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| right now, I'm sitting on my front patio, on my new computer, listening to lovage, and blowing smoke rings to the sky. This is probably the perfect way to end a really hard night at work. It's just been one of those nights where nothing seems to go right... but maybe it's because i had a good day and work really brought it down.
I think I may be keeping the tradition alive, I may be joining a band for the summer again. They're a metal band from here called This Moment and I lke the music, plus I'll be playing bass which is my first love. The issue is that I'm going to have the same problem... I have one year left of school and I really don't think I can drop oout now that I'm so close to being just done and out of here. the sad thing is I don't care... if I didn't have ties, I would definitely just up and leave everything to get on the road. But I would be leaving my job, my school, and my apartment. Ronnie would have to find a new roommate, Alpine would have to get another sound guy, and I wouldn't have a BS in Math with only a year till it's over. I just know this can't be a coincidence that I've been asked to join a band three years in a row. I may just be reading too much into it, but I really think God's trying to tell me something with this. Then there's the XX issue. I've recently become very acquainted with a really sweet girl and I dunno, I don't think I just want to up and leave that either. It's still that familiar itch to change my life, to just do something new. Ah, I just needed to type and get that all out... | | |
| so I worked sound for the Bridge this morning (The Bridge is a progressive church here in Ventura), actually the first time I've really been to church in some time... I know I know, bad me. I've learned I'm not a fan of the style of the Bridge's services, but the pastor is really great. Reminds me a lot of Danny Gardner, and for those of you who have known me for a while, you know what that kind of person means to me.
Most of the service was about as "new age" spiritual as you can get: songs that put the Vineyard contempoary to shame, ambient mood music through the whole message, all circular tables around the pastor in the center, candlelight communion to remember the 25th anniversary of AIDS discovery, and high emphasis on community. Not exactly what I was used to going to the two Baptist churches back home. There were a couple of things though that really struck me deeply thinking up in the soundbooth, watching all the people mingle during the 20 minute communication interludes...
He talked about the verse, "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And Love your neighbor as yourself."(bad JR paraphrase)... talking about how each of those relates to a type of friend. Heart friends are those everyday good friends we have, the ones we share meals, smile, and play around with. The soul friends are those intimate friends that we truly love with everything in us, the friends that we would do absolutely anything for, the truly intimate friends. Mind friends are what he called "invisible friends", those that you may never even actually know, authors and songwriters, poets that have inspired you. They may have been dead for 200 years, but they have still touched your life. Then the strength friends were those that you look up to, the ones that even if you haven't talked with them for 2 years, you know that in that one moment you are hurting, you can call them and know they'll be there, those that mentor and support you. Lastly, he talked about neighbors. He described them as new friends, those that you just encounter walking down the street, the ones that you are with at work, in classes, living next to you, standing with you in line at the supermarket... the ones that you don't necessarily "choose" as friends, but they are almost by default. He was talking about how refreshing those people can actually be. And when he was talking about that, he said one of the more interesting lines I think I've heard in a while... he talked about "suffocating from breathing too much Christian air." How everyone in your life is significant, regardless of their beliefs because they cause you to learn, grow, have conflict, and THINK about life and what is around you. Christians that don't have those people in their life are usually stale and awkward to the world around them... I just thought that was a lot different than I'm used to hearing.
Then when they were about to do their communion thing... and this is such a small event but something about it really hit me deeply... when the pastor was telling people to come up to communion, he said to come up with your family, your friends, and your children because everything about this is important to be done together. And I thought about that and how different my life is because I didn't grow up with my parents taking me to church. I've never had that family bond of my faith... it's always just been about me. I always felt awkward looking up to someone, confiding in someone, and asking questions about my faith because it's not what I was used to. From early on the choice was mine... I went to a Christian school, but honestly, if you've ever been there, that makes no difference other than I had Bible class. I have to learn early on whether my faith was important to ME because there was nobody else to stand with me. Sure I had friends, but I didn't have family. I've talked with many of my friends and seen how important their families are in their lives... when asked who has shaped them, they say a parent or both, their favorite people in the world are their parents. I honestly don't feel that. So much of my world just feels like it's just me... people pass through, I make some casual friends, but it's really just me vs. the world. haha Ah, pity party...
Anyway, I'm just relaxing at work because I had to be here at 8:30 and I have to be back at 4 so I figured why bother leaving... | | |
| That hot feeling in the front of your head, the cold shivers across your arms and back, heavy breathing, your heart beat pounding through every vein and artery almost making you noticably pulse... but the tears won't come. Don't worry, i'm going to be alright, seriously, but for right now, i'm just so tired of getting kicked around over and over. My timing as of recent has been perfectly wrong and it gets my heart twisted and torn up more than once... I'll spare details because it does me no good to dwell on such things.
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| I have dreams about people in my life, and especially with the flux of relationship talks with a couple people in my life, my dreams have often consisted of old and new relationships... very very strange, and not particularly pleasant either. I'm not going to go in to last night's dream because let's just say I woke up wanting to cry or punch a wall or both. I should start getting used to my restless nights, but Ronnie's even complained to me once or twice about hearing me toss and turn in my bed, mumbling, or even my strange mild sleep-activities(sleepwalking but I rarely walk)... bleh.
In other news, looks like I'm buying a Mac. I spent time with my mom yesterday and she surprised me with a check from Farmers so now I have $2000 to put toward a new Macbook Pro... And with the one I want and my CSUCI educational discount, I only have to fork over $618 and I'll have it...
I don't know if I'm going to start using this again, or if this trend of actually writing on here is just a phase. | | |
| two strange dreams last night... I don't remember a whole lot of them though, too bad. First one I was walking down this dark alley toward Vanessa, and as she came up to me, she was crying. she said something about this guy hitting on her and making her uncomfortable then she opened the jacket I was wearing and put her head on my chest crying and saying she was glad I was there so she wouldn't have to go back to the party. last I remember we were walking down some street and she said that she was glad I had come by.
Second dream was quite a bit stranger. Now background on why I believe I dreamed it. We went exploring a little last night up by the new houses above U-glen, in the old hotel up there... pretty basic stuff for me, but at least it tended to creep out the others decently well. Anyway, on to the dream. So I'm following John Lee to this huge abandoned house out in the desert. We park on the road out front and Heather's in the car with me. I'm not sure who's driving with John, I think it was Pat Garcia, but not certain there. Anyway, we find a door in the back that was open and we proceed to wander around inside. Now if you've ever seen One Hour Photo, you've seen that some of the scenes have this eerie green glow to them like the film isn't exposed properly. Yah so this whole dream was in this odd reality where everything had this strong green and yellow tinge to it. So I was taking pictures of the house while we were wandering around a little, and I notice that the place is really starting to give me the creeps. I hear rattling and creaking, and the building itself even feels like it shudders and the floor is never quite sturdy enough. So I start to look at my pictures on the back to take my mind off it and clear my head a bit, but when I look at them, I start seeing these pictures of John dead against a wall and Heather falling through the floor to the level below. I start screaming for them to get the heck out of the house, but they're confused. That is until I show Heather the pictures that were on my camera. She starts booking it out the back door and John was close behind her. I ask where Pat is and that's when I woke up... frantic and breathing heavily. | | |
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Blindside - Sleepwalking
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Video code provided by KEKAI BOY
New Video whenever I can remeber to update!
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