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Name: Rachel
Birthday: 10/7/1984
Interests: Jesus.
what it means to be a black woman living in America.
hip hop/neo-soul/alternative rock
the representations of black people.
womanism. feminism.
Expertise: writing.
walking in heels.
travelling in random cities.
finding bathrooms.
being loud.
striving to be: like Jesus
Occupation: Scholar, Teacher
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/2/2002
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| it's late, i knowi went to philly this weekend for my friend's wedding. because i was there i settled into a happy acceptance of who i am and where i am in my life, while striving for better. i am working on remembering and recovering the parts of myself that i've lost in a mountain of schoolwork or men or both. i feel happy, in spite of my current circumstances. ready to see what's around the corner instead of doing what lot's wife did--turning back to catch a quick glimpse of my past.
i usually tend to cling on to memories of the past. i've been thinking so much about london lately--i studied abroad there four years ago, and it feels like i went just yesterday. i'm going to scotland in a month and a couple of days--and rather than get really excited about going to scotland, i keep on thinking about being in london as a 20 year old.
even though i've just parted ways with j, i feel ready to move on. i know i am way too serious for a 23 year old and would love to go out on normal dates, not hang out with random men who I may or may not be interested in. this week i'm having marc over for dinner. he's cooked for me so often and i wanted to repay the favor. not that he's ever even hinted that he wanted me to do so. i don't think he likes me that much, and i only like him just enough to hang out with him. he is funny and attractive, but there aren't any sparks. while that would normally deter me, i have decided to continue our strange friendship. it is nice for things to be so easy with him--no arguments or fighting, no crying, no broken hearts, just a heavy critique of American culture and media with some lessons about Jesus sprinkled in, and a lot of laughter. i can dig that.
i notice that men do what they want, and have women fit into their lives, whereas some women will plan their lives around their men. i hate to admit that i have done some of that, at least in my dream life. when ingrid michaelson sings, "it's my world, it's not ours anymore", i sing along as well. that line is great. i'm trying to articulate more fully what i want my world and future to look like, so i don't end up sacrificing dreams that are important to me for the sake of a relationship.
later, i'll tell y'all about nearly getting into a fight in a club in philly this weekend.
rach*
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| once the snot comes down, pride goes out the window.i have the most amazing family and friends ever. this weekend was the best and the most traumatic at the same time. i said goodbye to one of my best friends and kindred spirits because he and i just want different things. it was amazing spending time with him, and difficult to let him go. and i want to acknowledge that this isn't any easier for j. i know that this is painful for him, but its just something that needed to happen at this point in time. i don't know if we'll ever talk again. that is really hard for me to deal with. i find myself thinking, rachel, just get through this moment. if i can get through this moment with out him, then i can get through the next one.
i called roxanne, my sister, as i was driving home from the airport. i could have gotten myself killed--i was crying really hard and hyperventilating and screaming. PLUS there was this awful thunderstorm. she didn't pick up and i sobbed into the voicemail. i mean, i didn't even understand what i was saying. i called my brother as well and left a similar message. i was straight up about to drive straight to New York, but i didn't feel like explaining to my parents that i was crying over a boy. my parents would be so angry with me for crying about something superficial, i think. i have such a great life. when j read my resume out loud, and i looked at it again later, i saw it through new eyes. for a 23 year old, i'm pretty accomplished. i have great friends and family. but all of that does not make me immune to heartbreak, i suppose.
i got home safely, and while i knew i needed some time alone, i didn't think it was a good idea to spend too much alone time. i made dinner and called emma and eboni over. bless their hearts, they came and spent a whole bunch of time with me. we polished off a bottle of wine together and just talked--not too much about this weekend, but just about stuff in general. we watched a movie together, and then they left.
next day i got about an hour of work done and slept through the day. linh called me and asked if she could be a part of my support team--if she could spend time with me in any way. i said sure, hung up the phone, and started bawling again. i slept all day, hardly ate--i haven't had much of an appetite the past week or so--and eventually dragged myself out of bed to go hang out with linh. she ended up treating me to a HELLA expensive dinner, which is not at all what i expected. then woke up super early this morning to come with me to spinning class, which i stopped going to for the past couple of months. we're going shopping for a dress for me for a wedding i have to go to this weekend.
this morning i woke up at 5:18 am. last night was pretty rough because there were thunderstorms. i sleep right by the window, so i was scared out of my mind that i would be struck by lightning. i tossed and turned the entire night, and woke up feeling a little bit like i wrestled with the same angel that jacob did back in the day. i woke up with this verse on my mind--like something kept repeating it within my consciousness until i woke up:
"...And try me now in this, says the Lord of hosts, If I will not open for you the windows of heaven
and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:10b.
i have no idea how God will work in this situation. it feels like j left this huge hole in my life when he walked into the airport on sunday. Naomi called and was like..."why is your life so dramatic??" i have no idea. i can never just meet a guy and have things work out. something always goes awry.
i don't mind being single, and i am not afraid that no man will ever love me--i know that someone will. what i am most afraid of is whether or not i will ever feel the same way about anyone else other than him. funnily enough, all the things i wanted before--like marriage and kids--i don't want as much anymore now that he isn't around. those dreams have lost some meaning because he is gone.
rach*
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| when your heart gets brokenimmediately go out on a date with a man who thinks you are amazing. lol! that's precisely what i did last night. protected post up for details. this dude cooked for me. and he cleaned up afterwards, even though i offered to do the dishes. what did he say: "no! i've got it. you just stand there and talk." dang. they need to make more men like that. rach* | | |
| what's new:a few black women who are MA/Ph.D students have started a creative writing group. I'm not sure what it is, but every time I'm with those women, I have the community I have always longed for. It's a healing process/experience. Last Tuesday I was there from 6:30 pm to 1:30 am. And they loved my story, which is always encouraging. * my legs are the size of tree trunks. honestly. i walk everywhere and they are two very muscular things that prevent me from being a smaller size. i'm irritated. * last week i read the autobiographies of assata shakur and angela davis. i have always liked angela davis, even though i didn't know much about her. now that i've read her book i understand why i connect with her. she grew up in a middle class household down south, then moved to Brooklyn for high school; went to Brandeis for undergrad; studied abroad (in France and Germany); then went to a state school in California to get her Ph.D. in philosophy. While she was writing her dissertation, she was deeply involved in the black power movement, and was an active Communist. I hate that people have reduced her to a hairdo, or dismissed her as someone who is "radical". She is really brilliant, well-read, and has thoroughly analyzed the conditions of black people in several books. I admire her and her dedication to the freedom of all. * em and i walked a total of six miles the other day. we picked strawberries at an organic farm (which is owned by a black man!!). it was a lot of fun, and most importantly, it was free!!! * my hair is crazy. i'm going to start rocking it old-school all the time. afros take work, man. | | |
| break out the patrone, ladiesi am finished!!!! so finished.
i turned in my 30 page history paper yesterday; my 16 page paper on Wednesday. I wrote the latter in four days, which is a record for me. I'm usually a really slow writer, but this semester I've been writing as much as 7 pages in a day. craziness!!
i just finished grading and i'm outside on my "stoop" dancing in my chair as i type this entry. and as soon as i'm finished i will be listening to alison hinds and waving my flags in the air (not the U.S. flag, mind you; can't wave that to soca. no--Guyana and Trinidad all the way).
last night my friends and i went to this bar because we thought it would be a dance party. we read the date wrong, however. which means i was in a state of mild undress (read: shorts and boots--i risked looking like a member of the pussycat dolls, basically) for absolutely no reason. of course i drank it up--when you're finished a semester like the one i had (which was academically fruitful AND tiring)--you just want to forget about theory and books and just dance.
this weekend there are a massive amount of parties. i love my department. there's a bachelorette party thing going on at ABC; then there's a party at another friends' house--both going on tonight. tomorrow night a band from our department (a bunch of poets and fiction writers made up a band lol) are going to be playing, and then there's a birthday party directly afterwards; monday is a barbecue and some other randomness.
funny story:
an older gentleman (works as a janitor at UMASS) always said hi to me when i was working at school. I was always pretty nice to him because a. he's black, and in a town where there are very few of us, that's enough reason to be nice; and b. he's my elder. Anyway, I kind of ignored the looks he was giving me, and a comment here and there about how much he liked my heels. Yesterday he asked me if I would be around this summer. I was like, yeah, I live in the area, but I won't be on campus, because I don't have a job here. Later, he said,
"can i ask you a question?"
"sure!"
"can i have your number?"
wow. i can't imagine the look on my face. lately i haven't been getting that much attention from men unless they are significantly older than me. this man HAS to be in his late 60s. at first, i didn't know how to say no, but i managed just fine.
oh, pioneer valley. i'm so done with the dating scene in amherst.
so springfield, here i come!
rach*
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