I haven't written anything in ages. A lot has happened, I think, although it has been over a month so I have probably forgotten a lot of it already.

So, in no particular order...

• I've got a summer job at Pizza Express as a sub-aqua ceramics maintenance technician (I wash the pots).
• I'm definitely moving to Manchester, if all goes well, in September to live in  purposeful community and love an area (and the people in it) called Stretford (sounds like a hippy commune... Cool!).
• I have finished the Net Team, my gap year programme. Consequently, I am sitting in front of the computer, drinking tea and writing a blog in my pjs at almost 1pm.
• I have begun learning the guitar. It's hard but fun. I wish my fingers were longer.
• I've composed a symphony and got married. Ok, so I haven't done those.

That's all I can think of.

Doubt anyone will read it anyway.

Excuse me, in advance, for labouring the point. If you've read my blog for any length of time, you've heard it all before - but it still matters.

I wanted to write this blog on Monday, but I was busy having a traditional English barbeque - in the rain.

Monday was the 26th May, my Dad's birthday, a year since I did a bungee jump to raise money for To Write Love On Her Arms and a year since a friend, Rhianna, died. At the time we believed it was suicide, and then the court decided it was accidental death. I'm still not really sure what happened. I think about it most days, but it's distant now, it feels like a story or a news report. I found this lizard keyring that she made out of beads, and it makes me think about her, about whether she kept the tacky plastic bracelet I made for her, about praying with her, about her red and black jumper and frizzy hair. It's hard to think of a person undone, finished. It doesn't make sense in my head.

In the year since I've seen some things come full circle, I went to a wedding recently held in the same church where I'd been for Rhi's funeral. Hope comes around again but I look forward with some trepidation because I know I'll forget again, in the winter, about warmth and light. I have a short memory.

But really I want to plug To Write Love On Her Arms, if you don't already know, they are a non-profit organisation that seeks to provide hope and point people towards help who are suffering under depression, suicide, addiction and self-harm. To me, it's not just some cool charity I attatch myself to because I want to make it look like I believe in something - I really believe it is a movement, or a least part of one. I don't know what things would be like for me had I not known about this and I find it very hard to articulate how much it means to me. But I know it matters, we need to recognise the injuries in people and in our world and we must love.

I suppose the song of this month for me, is one of gratitude, I didn't get here by myself. I'm grateful to my country and my government for providing me with affordable healthcare so I can get the anti-depressants that I need, I'm grateful to my parents for loving me and giving me what I need and I'm sorry I'm so cold, I'm grateful to God because I believe he wants me to be happy, I'm grateful to my friends for being alive and for sharing that life with me and I'm grateful for songs and music and the people who make it.

And I'm trying to remember that this universe story has a happy ending.

I went to Estonia, here are some photos

Tallinn

My Mum n me in Tallinn


Parnu beach



I had a pretty good time, highlights were seeing my friends, Paul and Maarja and some others and this waterpark they have in Parnu which is impressive, I love the steam room, saunas and plunge pool!

I kinda want to write a better blog but not feeling it at the moment. So, what is there to tell?

I have a possible idea for next year, a hope. See March 16 blog for the general idea! It's looking more likely at the moment, but there's a lot still in question.

On Wednesday night we handed out water to students coming out of a club in my city, and got to chat with them. I had a really good talk with a few guys about faith and Christianity and God. One of them asked me what faith felt like. My answer probably didn't make much sense. To me, faith often feels like nothing, feels like the gap, the absence of something I can hold or touch or hear. Faith is hard work. You can see things that faith causes people to do or not to do, but what does faith feel like? I don't really know.

But then again, you're probably better asking someone else than me, cos I'm not particularly faith filled these days.

One of the guys said I was probably the Christian with the most screwed on head he'd ever met, kinda ironic.

I'm gonna leave it there. Toodle pip.