Hello My Xanga Family. 

I have missed you all so much.  Internet service has been mostly unavailable to me because of my new location.  I have only been able to log on for very brief periods to visit a few of you from the library or on breaks at work.

I want to thank all of you who stopped by to check on me while I was "away".  Some of you who have followed my earlier stories will recall that my husband was in a comatose condition since right after Thanksgiving 2005.  It was almost 2 years ago when this tragedy struck.

Since that time I have sunk to the depths of depression, loneliness, isolation, anger, bureaucratic frustration, mental breakdown, betrayal, the loss of my career, and the edge of financial ruin.  My somewhat normal, familiar life was shattered.  I am now in the process of gathering my remaining resources to start anew.

I think I came as close to hell as I could go without permanent damage.  Yet I have survived it and I am very grateful to the powers that sustained me.

Dutch now has passed on to the next life as of 10-4-7.  His lifetime here was celebrated one last time on 10-7-7.   We went to one of his favorite places on earth to honor his passing. 

This is an incredibly magical place where Dutch and I went camping on our 1st date many years ago.   We have tons of beautiful pictures and memories from camping and hiking in this area.

In spite of the predicted snow storm on the mountain, it turned out to be a perfectly beautiful day and the storm never happened.    The sun was shinning and as soon as the service was finished, we played  "Into The Mystic" for Dutch.    Huge fluffy snowflakes began drifting and floating down like feathers from angels wings.  Needless to say, there was not a dry eye to be found.

Dutch's presence was felt by all of us as we remember the awesome person that he was.  There were some definite signs that everything was exactly as it needed to be. He left a wonderful lasting impression on all of us who loved him. 

My life  has taken me to a totally new environment.  New job, new town, new friends, etc.  It has been an unbelievably challenging trip to say the least.  Yet I am still optomistic.  Through it all I believe everything has happened exactly as it was meant to be.  

I am still in the transition of letting go of what was once upon a time my life and completely starting over.   The most difficult and still heart wrenching part of letting go has been having to say goodbye to the "Love of My Life", Dutch.

The grieving is still going on as it has for almost 2 years but now it is different.  How heartbreaking it was to grieve for my best friend, my love,  who was not gone physically but not alive either. 

I have surrounded myself with the positive, supportive people, places and  environment  that I need to survive this and carry on.   Actually, this all just seems to have happened naturally.  

It started turning around when I decided it was time to remove myself from the sad environment that was a constant reminder of what could never be again.  Now each day the sadness is lifted a little more. 

Throughout the day there are plenty of distractions for me.  I am working and taking time to do things that make me happy so I am enthusiastic and maintaining a positive outlook.  

Still it is rough when I am alone and driving, or trying to go to sleep but I expect that as part of the healing process.  I just let it flow and know that this is how it has to be.  We are only dreaming and all is well.

I am always listening to music and sometimes it triggers the tears.  I am allowing time for this too.   We were together for 29 years so of course I am always going to miss him.  I do get sad and lonely when I have time to think about the fact that he is really gone from the physical plane.  His spirit will always live in my heart and in all of creation.  He is only transformed into another existense, free from a body that would not let him stay here any longer.

I will be back with pictures and more stories asap.

Love to all of you.

The kittens are 6 weeks old now so they are ready to move to new homes.  I love them all but they are growing fast and I have to resist keeping any of them.