| So these past couple of days, I've found myself listening to Chris Brown-With You over and over, and not because I feel like that's how my relationship is with Tim these days, but I find myself wishing I had someone who felt that way about me or someone who I felt that way about.
And I was watching some old episodes of Sex in the City and I find that my relationship with Tim is kind of like Carrie's relationship with Mr. Big. There was one episode where he told her while he was packing for a meeting that he might have to go to Paris for 7 months, or even a year. And he knew about it for awhile, but never bothered to tell her. He said it wasn't about them, that it was just about work. If he had to go, he had to go. She got really mad, and said that he never factors her into his life. But then came to the revelation that the relationship could still work. She went to buy mcdonalds for him, put on her beret, and went over to his house to tell him that she was going to move to Paris to be with him. And he replies that he only wants her to move there if it is what she wants, because he doesn't want her to expect anything. She storms out and says that she's not gonna go with him and he just says he understands. Then late at night, he goes to her house, and they do the do.
And in the episode before that, she was complaining to him about how she wanted to leave stuff at his house, but he didn't want that. And she said that he could leave stuff at her house if he wanted to, but he told her that he didn't want that. He wanted him to have his own place and her to have her own place, and when they wanted to be together, then they could be together.
Well you get the gist of it.
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| I know what I wantI get that my family wants to help and that they want me to have a better future than they did and be more successful than they are, but there comes a point where it stops being helpful. I understand that my brother has graduated college and that he knows what he's talking about, but at this point, he is no longer giving opinion, rather he is assuming he knows what's best for me when in fact I only know what is best for me. No one, not my friends, not Tim, not my parents can tell me what I should do. Because they don't know and even I don't know what is going to happen later. We can't always think about the future. Sometimes, we just have to think in the moment. And we can look at what the future might bring, but that cannot be the deciding factor.
They know I am not happy at Irvine and that I want to come home. I was never happy here. And I always wanted to go home but I always thought this is a good school and it will help me become successful later, but I realize now that the school is not the deciding factor. I can go anywhere and still be successful.
My family cannot keep telling me that if I stay here for another year, i MIGHT like it. Or that it MIGHT give me the chance of going to Berkeley. I have never wanted to go there and I don't even think I want the UC life. Which is kind of funny because I guess since my family was always pro-uc, i always thought uc's were the next step. I remember during senior year, mrs seibel asked me to apply to some private schools for options, but I told her I didn't want to go to a private school. UC was the way to go for me. When she asked me why, I had no idea what to tell her, I just knew it was where I wanted to go. When really, I didn't know.
And when my college acceptances came, everything was either too close or too far. Irvine and Santa Cruz seemed to be my only choices. And Irvine had the higher ranking, so I chose it. Choosing seems like the wrong word to use now. In fact, I never chose Irvine. It seemed like the only choice, the last resort. I regret not giving myself more options and more choices in terms of where to go, but if I go to city next year, I can fix this.
If I go to city, i have so many options and i never have a reason to come back to Irvine. My aim status for awhile was "No regrets, please." Because I was scared I was making the wrong decision. What IF i decide to do bio? Then going home would be a mistake in my parents eyes cause I could have stayed at Irvine which actually has a decent bio program. But I'm not looking at it this way. If i go to city, and i want to do bio, there are still plenty of school choices for me. They may not be the best choices but they can still compete with Irvine.
After all Irvine is a really good school, top 50, but it's not like the elite or anything. It's not like companies will tke a look at it and be like OMG, she went to irvine?
I know what is best for me, and I believe going to city to give me a year to explore myself, to work, to be independent is what is best for me. Because if i work, if i'm independent, i know I will be able to figure out what I want more than staying in Irvine where I am more dependent on my parents financially than I have been in the last four years.
And I hope my mom will realize this is true...soon.
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| I feel stuck. I think i've decided to pretty much transfer to SFSU. Now the only thing i have to decide is whether I'll go to city next year and then transfer or stay at irvine for another dreaded year...which i really don't want to...but i don't think my parents would like me going to city, and i'm not quite sure i would either.
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| Life is starting to turn around. I just realized that I'm booked on all weekends until spring break. Well that is unless things get cancelled which seems to happen alot these days.
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| Okay okay New Years Resolution
1. Continue working out every week day.
2. Go to a warriors game.
3. Go to a real concert.
4. Get an office job over the summer.
5. Get better grades.
6. Learn how to cook more food than spaghetti and ramen
To be continued..
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