runningfromthedark's Xanga

The Results are In...

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:11:11 GMT

Heard back from doctor about CT scan. Looked as expected.

Yesterday heard about the chest. Masses had greatly reduced and a few totally gone. Dr. Joyce called this morning about my neck. The masses hadn't had the dramatic results as the chest. I bit disappointing but she still seemed upbeat. I wasn't as "good" as she. She said there are still residual nodes below and around my thyroid. One had reduced from 4.2 cm to 3.1 cm. The other went from 4.3 to 2.9.

She still thinks we need 2 more cycles. I agree now. The masses they see now could be scar tissue or cancer. No way to really find out.

We’re talking to the specialist on Monday and will know more then. Appt. at 2:00 in Indy. I have a list of questions for him about the 2 cycles, radiation, etc. Dr. Joyce thinks I should ask not only about the 2 more cycles, but see if he thinks we need to go additional....like a total of 7 or 8 instead of my expected 6. That would be VERY bad news. Mentally that would hurt. I have just now begun to accept finishing up the 6 cycles. So to tack on another 1 or 2 months would be bad.

Praise God for what He did through the chemo. For what He is going to continue to do. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

Mortality Realized

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:53:24 GMT

The past 3-4 days I have been contemplating mortality. This may seem odd because I am now 4 months into chemo. I mean I was diagnosed in March. And when I was I thought about death. But it seems like the last few weeks have made me think about it more. I talked with Rachel about it last night. We had a good cry and it was good to get it out. But since I am more of a writer than talker, I felt like I needed to get it out this way too. So here's what I'm feeling/thinking....

*I'm not afraid of death. Death= seeing Jesus face to face. No more pain or sorrow or sin. Perfection. So death itself doesn't bother me. Jesus took care of that on the cross. 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

*Dying scares me. I guess the process of death. And "scares" probably isn't the right word here. I looked for a synonym but nothing fit either. So I'll do my best to explain it. I dig life. I like living. I understand that heaven will be an infinite times better. But I like my life. I love my wife. I love my kids. My friends are nice. I enjoy life. I like what God is doing in it. So I don't really want to leave. I want to live. I want to grow old with Rachel. The thought of life being "over" is so final. It's over. And I want it to keep going. I want to see my 65th birthday like my dad did yesterday.

*I doubt this cancer will kill me. Odds are very much in my favor. God is on my side. I think the past few weeks with my troubles, things getting harder and harder, some of the deaths in our area, the thoughts of "what if"....they have all made me think about this stuff. I will probably live to be "old" (no age given for my older readers sake). But what if I was given 9 months to live? What if I when I'm 38 I get another cancer? (Now I know and don't need preached to that this game is dumb. I understand logically and believe that God is already there and He's in control. Just let me go there for lack of argument.)

*When I die, I don't want there to be mourning. I want it to be a celebration. And not so much of my life. Because honestly, my life is but dust. It's just a breath. So short. A speck. I want it to be a celebration of how good God is. Of what He is. My life isn't my own anyway. It's His. So my "funeral" should be about God and His grandness, His grace, His love. I hope to be a part of that and be that in my own thoughts and actions. But honestly this life isn't about Troy, it's about the God I serve. The Christ that died in my place so I may live and have life to the fullest. Job 7:7 "Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath."

*Ways to die have been on my thoughts. Pain bugs me. I have a low pain tolerance (as seen by my handling of the bone marrow biopsy). I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be a problem for others. My papaw died in his sleep. That'd be the best, I think.

*This journey of cancer battle has been good. But it's been hard. It's given me chances to be and share Christ and His strength. LORD knows I'm weak! But lately my weakness has been overpowering His strength. Not because of Him, obviously. And I know His grace is enough. How am I supposed to react? I want to be strong for Rachel, the kids, others. I want Jesus to shine through this mess. So when I'm weak and tired and cry and wonder, is this wrong? Is it sin? Is it lack of trusting? Joe said something Sunday..."Faith doesn't fluctuate. Faith is grounded because it's on Jesus. Trust is what waivers. Our trust can move and change." My faith is based on the cross so that hasn't changed in this journey. But my trust?!?! I'm not sure. I trust. But is weakness and doubt a sign of lack of trust? Sigh.

I think there's more but that'll be good for today. I had my CAT scan yesterday. Results will be in sometime?!?! My appt with the specialist is next Monday.

Weekend Recap

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 09:06:19 GMT

You want to know what's strange? I don't even know if it's strange so much. But anyway. Here is the Friday treatment day in a recap. This is how it happens EVERY Friday of a treatment.

7:15- Wake up, shower, head to hospital.
8:30- Get to hospital, have blood drawn, watch ESPN
9:30- Talk to Dr. Joyce. She comes to visit before chemo begins. We talk through any issues, concerns, etc. This week we talked about my lungs and blood spitting.
Wait for chemo to arrive.....
More waiting....take my pre-chemo drugs (Anti-naus pill, 2 Tylenol, Benedril, 1 anti-naus IV, Steroid IV)
10:45- The fun begins. A-B-V-D. (Except no B this week.)
1:00- Done. It takes me about 10 minutes to get my mind straight to leave. I shake and twitch. It probably looks pretty silly. But I can't help it. Once I get disconnected from the IV I guess I try to shake out the chemo.
1:10- Pee before I head home. Here's a strange little thing. As I am peeing, I think about how good it is to be getting the chemo out of my body. I love peeing the first 2-3 days. I drink a ton to help try to flush out my system. Peeing is freeing! (That should be a tee-shirt.)
1:45- Get home and shower. This is very important! I wash myself to get the smell off. And just to get clean. There is something about getting clean. Getting the dirt, stench off. Of course, most wouldn't see it or smell it. But I do. I have to get clean as soon as I get home.
2:00- Sleepy time. I sweat a lot during this nap. Even with 2 fans and the AC set to 68. I guess my body is just reacting?
5:00ish- Wake up and not very good sleep the rest of the night.

Clock work. Every Friday of treatment. 4 more of those days to go.

Saturdays are normally pretty decent. I feel about 75%. Energy and brain function pretty well. Last Saturday I got to play in a golf scramble with Jesse, Shea, and my dad. It was for Lawrence Co. Habitat. Just nice to get out and enjoy the outdoors. I miss that a lot.

Saturday evening some of my "kids" from Monrovia came down and we played golf (the card game). I had to kick them out at 10 because I was exhausted. It was good to see Caleb, Josh, and Scott. It's weird to see how they've grown up. I'm getting old.

Sundays begin the feeling bad. Brain doesn't function as well, more tired, and cramping starts. Yesterday was a good day at church. We had some visitors. One was Joe's cousin, Christian. It was good to put a face with a name. It was a cool time of worship as we spent the morning talking about the majesty of God.

Nap time comes after church. Usually after a small meal. Don't eat breakfast but choke down a lunch of sorts just to get some sustenance. Nap is good. Then we woke up yesterday and watched WALL*E. Good movie. No dialogue. But good picture. Brandt did get in trouble during the movie for saying God's name in vain. I took him out of the theater and smacked his mouth. Then he got to eat some soap and write down Psalm 34:1,8 ten times when we got home. He is memorizing it.

This got me thinking. Trying to explain to a child why some things are okay and some aren't. I mean, "because the Bible says so" is tough to grasp. Even for us adults. So I had to think through this before I talked to Brandt. Why don't we take God's name in vain? Why is this important? Sure, God says so. But why? Here's what I came up with... because His name is good. He is good. He alone is good. So we don't say His name in a way that is bad. It really is cursing because to say it bad is to go against everything His name is. So I'm memorizing the scripture Brandt is...His praise will be on my lips. In the storm, in the good, and bad. I have tasted and seen that the LORD is good. He is right. He is hope, love, grace.

His praise will always be on my lips. Taste and see that the LORD is good. Psalm 34:1,8

Some answers and stuff from today

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:21:30 GMT

8 treatments down! 4 to go. I have thought about making one of the Christmas-like things that you count down. Something to visually keep me in this thing for another 4. It's just 4, right?!? I'm 67% done. Well over the hump.

They had to "drano" my port today. Apparently the body doesn't like the foreign object of a plastic tube running though it. It tries to heal itself. This causes issues as the chemo moves forward. So they have to put something in it to clean out all the healing stuff...don't remember the technical term for that.

My blood pressure was off the charts today. Started at 150/96 and fluctuated between 145-160/92-102 all day. Nrmal for a treatment day, but very high for me. I usually run 120/70.

Today I got some answers about some of my issues. Apparently the Bleo chemo drug I take is starting to take its effect on my lungs. My lung function came back normal except for diffusion. (From WebMD... Gas diffusion tests measure the amount of oxygen and other gases that cross the lungs' air sacs (alveoli ) per minute. These tests evaluate how well gases are being absorbed into your blood from your lungs.) So my diffusion is at 65%. The way I understand it, this means when I take a breath, only 65% of the oxygen and good stuff is getting diffused through my lungs. So I've been short of breath. Symptom. Spitting up the blood and high WBC for where I am in the chemo could be part of a bronchitis issue. More lung fuction problems.

So........today my doctor didn't allow me to take the Bleomycin. She said she knows of some who have gone 2-3 treatments without it. This is the same med that Lance Armstrong wouldn't take because of the it's toxicity to the lungs. You know, real athletes need 100% lung function and all.

I was hoping that meant less cramping and nausea, but no. Misty, the pharm on the onc floor said it really doesn't have that as a side effect. So no luck there. But hey, less poison is less poison!

Kay found out from the CT that she has no cancer in the lymphs nor organs. VERY good news.

On less important news, we are trying to sell Rachel's car on Craig's list. So then we can get out of her payment and try to get a truck for various reasons.

It's storming here. I love the lightning and thunder. We don't need this much rain, but there are folks in much worse shape than us. I got the kids together tonight and we prayed for a tornado warning in Morgan Co and for all the flood victims right now. We really are blessed and take so much for granted. There's a post worth writing....

Bad Day

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:50:45 GMT

On the way to work this morning I spit up blood. I called Rachel who called her mom. Her mom talked to my onc doc and I had to go to the hospital for tests. I spent the day having blood drawn, a chest x-ray, and a pulminary function test. They think right now it may be the beginnings of bronchitis. So they gave me a script for an antibiotic.

I am supposed to do my 8th treatment tomorrow but won't know for sure until I get up there tomorrow and find out the results for sure. I had the privelage of spending a day on the onc wing which immediately makes my stomach hurt because of the smells. So a rough day to end a rough couple of weeks.

Random Thoughts

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:10:21 GMT

It's been a rough couple of weeks for the most part. I'm more worn down with the anxiety attack last week and generally not feeling as good as I have for most of the treatment process. I'm not sleeping too well at night. So at work I'm exhausted and grumpy.

I'm tired of my port. It bulges above my right nipple. It sits about 3 inches above it and I hate it! Seriously. I haven't been able to touch it or wash it for a month. Everytime I look at it I want to scream. Sure, it's under my skin. But I still see it sticking out like that alien on Alien. My scars from the surgery to put it in aren't getting any prettier either.

I have 5 treatments to go. That's 10 weeks. I feel like the "Little Engine That Could" at this point. I keep thinking, "I think I can, I think I can." It's just 5 more. Right?!?! After Friday, I'll only have 4. But the thought of 4 more makes me nausious. The treatment has been so much better physically than I could have imagined, but mentally I still have MAJOR issues.

My dad's sister Kay was informed she has Merkel Cell Carcinoma yesterday. I talked to her about things last night. It was good to be able to share my story and hopefully help. It amazes me how many people have cancer. It's mind boggling. Please pray for Kay and others who have cancer.

I need a truck. I think I'm going to try to sell "Chuck" (my 1993 Olds Cierra) and get a little beater truck. It won't be better for gas, which stinks. But we really need a truck. Thanks to Dave Ramsey, I can't pull myself to go get a loan for something "good" so I'll have to find something cheap and pay cash....around $600-1000 since I can get that for Chuck and what little we have in savings.

Enough rambling for today....

The Weekend

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:18:50 GMT

Three great things happened this weekend.

The Relay for Life: It was Friday and it went pretty well. Not as organized as my structured soul would have liked, but it was nice. I did the survivor's lap, the family did the caretaker lap, then we went and ate chinese with the Keeler clan. We headed back to the track and walked from 8:30-10:15ish. I had a TON of people show up to walk with me and we totalled 31 miles as a group. (Millers, Jennifer & Hank, Jan, Keelers, Anne) I had planned to return at 1:00 a.m. Saturday to do some worship, but that fell through as the dude I was going to play with decided to do some other music that I didn't know. It was a good night all around.

Yesterday was the annual fish fry at the Hootens. Good fish, good food, good to see folks.

Today, we had the pleasure of seeing some of our best friends from college. Dustin & Annysa and the girls stopped by. We had lunch and the kids did the water slide. We laughed and caught up. It was only 2 hours, which is much too short, but it was a good 2 hours. Me and the fam are going to TN in 3 weeks so we'll hopefully be able to catch up more then. Here are some pics of the slide...

Molly & Addie

Abigail & Brandt

Big Sisters Swinging

It was a good weekend. I need more of these....

Yesterday and Relay

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 09:21:58 GMT

Yesterday: I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m feeling weird today. Don’t know if it’s something I ate or what. I feel like this past treatment took more of a toll on me, so maybe that’s it. But I’ve been close to getting sick several times at work today. Very hard to explain. My mind races and then I feel like I’m going to puke. I’ve gone to the bathroom 3 times since lunch to throw cold water on my face. Really struggling today. Need strength for the Relay tomorrow night.

It seems like it may have been an anxiety attack. I've never had one but it's one of the side-effects of my anti-depressant. It is hard to explain what I was feeling. It was almost an "out-of-body" experience. My mind was racing and would go crazy for a few minutes.

Relay: I’m excited to be involved in my first Relay for Life. It starts at 6:00 tonight at Parkview here in Bedford. My family and I are going to walk part of it and it should be cool to be a part of the “Survivors Lap” to kick things off. We are walking from 9-10 and then going to hang for the lighting of the Luminaries. I think it’s cool that they do something like this and the changes they have made in cancer research. I know for my particular cancer the treatment has changed dramatically in the past 15-20 years. I hope they find a cure for this crap.

It amazes me that 1/3 will be affected with some type of cancer. That’s staggering. So if you’re in the area tonight and want to come walk or hang out with me and the family, we’d love to have you walking with us. Walking 9-10 and then stay for the Luminary lighting. I may also be playing guitar and singing around 1:00 a.m. in the morning with Jason Beeler. Haven’t nailed that down for sure yet.

Grace and peace...

6 verses 4 (an update)

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 07:03:45 GMT

Several of you have asked where I am at in the 6 verses 4 cycles. The brief answer is....I am currently leaning more towards doing the 6. Here's the reasoning:

*First of all, I haven't talked to the specialist. But my oncologist, whom I trust, thinks 6 is the prudent thing to do. If the specialist at IU Med Center differs, I will re-evaluate.

*Second, I don't want to get a year or 2 out and it come back and I have to go through the "what if" game.

*Third, the physical part of the chemo has been better than I expected. I am really struggling more with the mental side than anything. And the smells. Can't even talk about that without getting sick to my stomach. But it's 2 more months and it's not TERRIBLE.

*Finally, I have spoken created a thread discussion on the LLS website (http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/ubb.adp?frame_url=http://ubb-lls.leukemia-lymphoma.org/cgi-bin/ubbcgi/Ultimate.cgi?action=intro&item_id=9388) and got the following replies that helped me deal with things a bit better:

I asked my onc these questions when I went through chemo and radiation. I was Stage IIA nodular schlerosis. I also asked another onc at the center since I saw him regularly during my cycle visits. Both agreed that you should do more than just seeing that the PET scans or CT scans show it's cleared. When I asked why, the reasoning is based on there will be small traces of cancer cells that won't be picked up on the scans. They wanted to make sure that it was gone and then the radiation was added insurance. I wasn't sold on radiation before talking with the radiology onc. He convinced me that for me, it was the best choice to reduce long term side effects. (From cinncy)
Although there is some disagreement on the issue, 6 cycles of ABVD plus 17 days (3.5 wks) of radiation is the standard of care for Stage II bulky disease (even if your mid-way scans are clear). The rationale is that: (1) even if the scans look clear, there can be some residual disease that does not show up; and (2) you are better off enduring the side-effects (long-term and short-term) of some extra treatment than to risk a relapse. (From EFishman)
I understand your feelings about the chemo. I used to call it poison - well actually, I still do - but my onc nurse reminded me that it was to get rid of the cancer. She called it soldiers - so, trying to be more posistive, I used to joke on chemo days about the "premeds" being the scouts and then when I got the adriamycin, that was the big guns, and the Dacarbazine at the end was the clean up guys. It didn't really help, but it just made me try to think of the chemo differently. As well, the chemo is systemic - meaning it works all through the body, where as the radiation is concentrated at one specific area. Even though your nodes don't light up on a scan, there may be minute cells that have drifted off and are thinking of setting up camp in another area. The chemo doesn't just target that area of Hodgkin's that you know about, but as I'm sure you know, it hits every cell in your poor tired body. (From bb50)
Your cancer may still be there, but beaten down to the point it doesn't register on tests. And that is good. Without a definitive test, we play a game of odds. Odds say, with your risk factors you have a greater chance of relapsing if you cut treatment short. Treating cancer isn't like treating a broken bone. It's more like trying to catch dust mites, one by one. (From cgrobin)
However, I never thought of chemo as "poison" like many have referred to it on this post. I thought of it as medicine....when I have a sinus infection I take an antibiotic; when I have a headache I take tylenol; when I had cancer, I took chemo. To me, chemo was just the medicine you use to treat cancer. When you are given an antibiotic and the doc says, "take it all regardless of when you start to feel better" do you stop taking it after 2 of the 7 doses because you feel better? My guess is not. Same goes with chemo - yes, scans may show it is gone even with 2 treaments left but should you really stop? (From Tracy)

The 2-cylinders of God's Teaching Lately

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 10:02:53 GMT

I am reading 2 books right now. But before I get to that, I wanted to let you all know that the Relay is Friday. My goal of $250 is pretty shy, but that's okay. Either we'll get it or we won't. If you would like to help, go to http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeGreatLakesDivision?px=7154496&pg=personal&fr_id=8131

Now, on to what I'm reading. It seems like the last year, God has really been impressing on me two thoughts over and over again. The first is grace. Dietrich Bonhoeffer says in "The Cost of Discipleship", "If grace is God's answer, the gift of Christian life, then we cannot for a moment dispense with following Christ." He then goes on to talk about the difference between true discipleship and Christian life and that of the "bourgeois secular existence".

"I can go and sin as much as I like, and rely on this grace to forgive me, for after all the world is justified in principle by grace. I can cling to my bourgeois secular existence, and remain as I was before, but with the added assurance that the grace of God will cover me. It is under the influence of this kind of 'grace' that the world has been made 'Christian,' but at the cost of secularizing the Christian religion as never before. The antithesis between the Christian life and the life of bourgeois respectability is at an end. The Christian life comes to mean nothing more than the living in the world as the world, in being no different from the world, in fact, in being prohibited from being different from the world for the sake of grace. The upshot of it all is that my only duty as a Christian is to leave the world for an or so on my Sunday morning and go to church to be assured my sins are all forgiven. I need no longer try to follow Christ, for cheap grace, the bitterest foe of discipleship, which true discipleship must loathe and detest, has freed me from that."

Basically, Bonhoeffer is saying, "Grace leads to discipleship. True life change. Yes there is grace! There is mercy and hope for the sinner! Praise God. But it's not the end of the equation. If it doesn't lead to change (discipleship) then it is for nothing."

Which goes on to the second thing God has been drilling in to me. My life is for His glory. Everything is for His glory. The storms, the problems, the ups, the downs, the great, the sunset...all is for His glory. Life change is for His glory. Grace is for glory. John Piper says in "Don't Waste Your Life",

"God created me- and you- to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion- namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all spheres of life. The wasted life is the life without a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples."

The single reason I was created was to bring glory to God in EVERY sphere of my life. It is finding grace that leads to transformation....that points to His glory. Glory. Grace.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:4-10