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| hello everyone...
so weight-wise... i got up to 96 and for some reason I couldn't accept it so I'm back at 95? I don't know why I'm delaying this so much - I have to get to 100 no matter what so I'm just being dumb. Yesterday for my friends birthday some of the girls and I went out to the aquarium restaraunt. I was really nervous about dinner but it was not a big deal. I tried to be distracting and talk a lot so no one would notice I didn't have any bread (and then they ordered a second bread bowl and I was like okay come on now)... I got grilled shrimp, which came with 8 shrimp, veggies and rice. I ate two shrimp, all the veggies and a bite of rice so I wasn't too worried. and then my friend's birthday cake came out... so I had a few bites of my piece, but it was probably so many calories... I shouldn't even care because I have to gain weight, so I need to let myself enjoy it! It's really hard to get out of the mindset though...
BUT some good news. I was about to binge a few days ago and for some reasons when i was in my car I just started crying! I was thinking about my friends-with-benefits and this talk we had a few days ago when I was talking about how I was feeling a little used. and then I hadn't gotten a call from him or the other guy i've been talking to in like two days and I was just like wow, no one wants me. I must be ugly/fat/dumb/annoying... and I started crying... I guess binging/purging allows me to be numb because I HATE crying, so that's what I wanted to do at that moment. Instead, I wanted to legitimately feel better instead of masking it with an eating disorder, and I called my friend and was still crying and she was so sweet about everything, and the call ended with me laughing and she gave me some good advice. Then I texted the new guy and he called a second later and we talked for a long time. It was so nice because the situation turned out SO much better than if I had just kept it to myself and gone on to binge and purge... at least I think I'm out of the depths of my eating disorder... I don't think you can just stop, but you can try to reverse it. and that's what Im doing. anyways here some pics from yesterday (my friend is a sloooow driver so the people I drove got there way early and had to pass the time with pictures lol)
I'm in the white shirt btw
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| Heyyy everyone
so I haven't posted in a while... i figured everday posting wouldn't be the best for recovery. I gained a bit of weight at first and that freaked me out (I think my body had to rehydrate) but now I'm sticking at 95. I have to get up to 100 eventually but I'm working on it. My body fat has not budged from 5% so at least I don't feel too fat.
my life is currently a little confusing though. So my friend-with-benefits (my ex) didn't call me for like a week, so I was really pissed. and then this guy that I've been talking to invited me to a party and then we both ended up back at my house and fooled around. and I thought that would be it, just a one-time thing, but he keeps texting me and he's really sweet. almost annoyingly so because he calls me beautiful all the time and I find that annoying because guys always use that when they want to get some lol. but we hung out the next day and just watched a movie and didn't do anything. and he keeps texting me and stuff and keeps wanting to hang out. and so right when I'm like hey maybe I sort of like this guy, my ex calls and we talk for like forever and I was telling him how I just felt like he used me for sex and I was like well you know if that's all you want from me, there's plenty of girls out there to screw. and I was getting really sad and he started gettting kind of emotional too and he was like that's not all I want from you, I don't ever want you to think that. and then we had a really good talk. so now I'm torn. and I'm thinking I might just ride this one out for a little while... I mean I'm not going out with either of them so it's not like I really have any obligations, right? I don't know............ ugh and my stupid friend is having her birthday on friday and all the girls are going out to have dinner in houston, and I don't want to go because that takes away friday night and I have to go to my dad's saturday and sunday, so when am I going to be able to squeeze in fun with my ex and the new guy?
today we had our officer banquet where we passed down our positions, and I actually almost started crying - everyone was getting really emotional because we're all going to graduate and it just really sunk in! I also ordered my senior pics today for my grad announcements and stuff... haha the total was like 500 dollars - i didn't know pictures were that much! I think I ordered like way too many though :)
oh and i got voted most likely to be a millionaire!! shot down for most likely to succeed... but hey millionaire isn't bad lol.
on a side note: I am bewildered by my bodily functions - having to go to the bathroom every day is kind of amazing since that used to never happen. I'm also eating breakfast and lunch. It's weird. But I guess it's good.
hope everyone is doing well!!!
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| so i almost died at my physical today...
and I'm honestly glad. It was a wake-up call. The doctor took my heart rate, blood pressure, etc. and it was all okay. The scale read 93 with my clothes so my mom was still not happy with that but I promised her I would gain
then I went to go get my blood drawn and as I was sitting there, about 2 seconds after the needle went in I told the woman "I feel like I'm going to pass out" she was like saying something and then my mind literally went black for two minutes. and it was like nothing was happening except I remember a song playing - it was just really weird. I opened my eyes to all the doctors around me and I was just trying to keep talking to stay awake and I just remember saying sorry, sorry, sorry. and I was like oh hey my shoe came off... i don't feel good... sure juice sounds good...
i was trying to stay conscious and i was so scared. i've fainted at the doctor's before but never like this. It felt as if I had died for a few moments but somehow came back.
apparently my mom, who was standing outside the door, looked in right as I started to slump over, and she ran in and stopped me from falling off the chair (the needle was still in my arm). About 10 nurses and doctors came in to get me to wake up - and it took two minutes, which is a scary amount of time to be unconscious. they put a cold ice pack on my head and kept telling me wake up. my mom told me my face was white as paper and she honestly thought I had died right in front of her because they couldn't find a pulse at first. all the nurses were like you need to eat, you need to get sugar. at first i had some sips of cold ice water, and I couldn't really move so I was still laying on the floor. I sat up a little bit against my mom and had applejuice, and then I felt the blood moving around a little more, and my face started to get some color. They gave me a whole bottle of regular coke, which I drank without question. I was wheeled out to the car because I was still too weak to stand, and they told my mom to take me directly out to eat. originally I was going to drive my car there but we just left it in the parking lot because my mom was way too nervous about me passing out again. The whole time, my mom and I were kind of crying, her because she was so scared I had died, and me because I felt like I had actually died for a few seconds.
That completely seals it. I need to be at at least 100 pounds, that was terrifying. My body nearly shut down from just losing a small bit of blood. It's not worth it. If I were three pounds lighter I might not have been able to regain consciousness. and that's a much larger risk than I would ever take.
my mom and I went and got sushi, and lots of it. It's an amazing feeling to just eat and not even consider how many calories you're having. Even when I used to binge, it was accompanied with oh my god, if I don't get this out I'm going to get so fat. I just ate though. I didn't have to eat everything, and I didn't have to eat only a certain amount.
I know how horrified I would be to see my mom lose color and just pass out like that and worry that she had just died in front of me. I'm sure it was horrible for her to see it happen to me. I don't ever want anything that scary to happen again. I'm recovering. I have to. | | |
| so....
scary stuff. recovery, for one. My mom nearly forced me onto the scale today - I was trying on a dress and I already knew it wouldn't fit. It was a size 0 so I was swimming in it. Plus the material was silky and it made every single bone in my body stand out... I felt bad for my mom. She was really upset... she was like why why why are you doing this to yourself? I felt really bad. She wants me to be at 100, and I'm still telling her I weigh 95 because she would freak out if she knew I was at 91. My physical is tomorrow so hopefully that will go okay. I've kind of resigned myself to gaining weight. That's something I never thought I'd say, but I need to get to at least 98 or 100. My clothes haven't fit for a long time, but it's just ridiculous now. my face looks almost scary sometimes, if my hair is pulled back. there's definitely a thing as too-prominent cheekbones. I can't even wear tank tops or skirts anymore because I'm embarassed by my body. I don't even feel good anymore, but therapy today really helped.
So this is sort of my good bye to supporting my eating disorder. I honestly don't think I can recover in the slightest bit if I'm still obsessing over everything. I talked to my dietician and she said that if I just cold-turkey stopped purging, I would need to consume 1200 calories a day so I wouldn't lose any more weight. apparently your metabolism speeds up a little once you stop binging/purging because your body tries to grab the nutrients before you can puke them up. so because of that she wants to increase the minimum calories a little more over time. But I really like my dietician - she isn't trying to make me get to a goal weight. It wouldn't even make sense to go for an above 18.5 BMI, that doesn't work with my body. The highest I was at was 17.9 and she agreed to not even make me go that high. She was like as long as you are just eating healthy you can stay at a fairly low weight. But she does recommend above 100, and I agree. I can finally wear the 00's at abercrombie again and not feel like I'm swimming in the fabric! I mean, I want to feel good about myself, but I'm even disgusting myself right now. My mom is even disgusted. She was like brianna, you look like a model BUT you're too thin. she was like you know even kate moss is 5'7" and was still 95 pounds during her "waif" phase. she was like I'm giving you permission to look like a waif, as long as you are a healthy waif. but you cannot be gaunt. It's not healthy and you can tell.
honestly, I don't want to hurt my mom, and that's my main motivation to get better. I feel a lot better knowing that I can recover and not blow up to blimp proportions. I can stay underweight and even stay right at 100. 110 is the highest I will ever go but that's almost 20 pounds away so I know that logically, I won't be gaining that overnight.
The one thing is that it's almost scary to let go. That may sound dumb but one thing I asked my therapist was well, what do I DO? If it's gone, what will consume my mind all day? It's so hard for me to remember what normal thinking is.
anyways, hope everyone is doing well!!!!
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| my body makes NO sense.
I did pretty well eating today and judging on my present weight I think I'm actually going to be anywhere from 90.4 - 91.0 tomorrow.
weird considering I was contemplating suicide because I was sure I'd be 93 by tomorrow. contemplating, not actually holding a bottle to my lips or a knife to my wrist but still. the fact that digital numbers that could be off due to a number of things can have such a huge impact on my well being is scary.
I obviously have a really really tragically messed up view of myself.
in better news, the guy I was with today was pretty good. We'd been together for a long time (until I was stupid and slept with about 3 other guys due to a messed up mind and drinking and stupid friends) but now we're still "unofficially" together so the level of comfort I have with him is just amazing. we can talk about anything and everything.
i showed him my extra rib, he thought it was pretty funny. he was like man you found another genetic mistake?? we always joke about how i have so many "genetic mistakes" as we call them - my arms and legs are waay too long, my feet are too big, my waist is too small, my teeth are too white, etc. the best part about him is that he doesn't do that gay thing guys do when they act all emotional and say ohh you're so beautiful, you're amazing, i love you soooo much. i hate it when guys say that kind of stuff because I just find it so lame. I don't need someone else to tell me that, I'd rather be able to just tell from how they act with me. unspoken things mean a lot more.
I was with a different guy over the summer when me and my ex weren't really talking, and i seriously couldn't stand him! first of all he just didn't ever "get it". also he went out with this girl for two years before me and they never had sex, so I was already kind of like uhh... are you weird? but anyways so I was his first and he decided to let me know he "loved me" and wanted to "be together forever" right after that. It was so dumb and weird considering this is high school, so I broke up with him pretty unapologetically about a week after.
It probably sounds like I'm a bitch about things like that but the truth is that I just hate being with anyone that is even the slightest bit clingy. I will back away for miles the second I detect a little bit of neediness...
anyways, that whole entry was therapeutic, so if you read it all, maybe you understand me better :)
shopping/lunch with my mom tomorrow, then therapy app, then homework. and lots of it.
physical on tuesday... breast exam (ugh), pap smear (double ugh) and my mom-supervised weigh-in (TRIPLE UGH)
haha hope everyone is doing wellllll... I'm def. feeling ten times better
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Maybe today
You can put the past away
♥
xAnasxLayoutsx
Perfect.
I'm 17.
5'8"
LW: 91 lbs.
HW: 118 lbs.
♥
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