runway_fragility's Xanga

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 23:58:57 GMT

Poll: at what weight would I be extremely thin?
my BMI is currently 14.7, but it seems like that's still average to lots of people. What weight could I be at where everyone would agree that I am too thin? interested to hear your thoughts, thanks.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:32:52 GMT

fat fat fat fat. That's how I feel
97 lbs.
only 3 away from 100. gross. I've been under 100 for 6 months, and I'm too used to it to go back to seeing triple digits on the scale. I'd feel way too fat. Gaining 10 pounds to be at 107 would feel weird. I think 10 pounds is 10 pounds at any weight... you always feel fatter, no matter what.
and my BMI is apparently 14.7? That's so stupid, I feel at MOST just a little underweight. The body mass index is such a bad system anyway, but this just proves it. My BMI is supposedly way too low, but it sure feels huge.
I'm not feeling very good at all mentally. I feel so fat, and I feel like if I gain a pound, I'll end up gaining 20.
hope everyone else is doing far better!

for this picture: the plus is that I'm officially in love with the dress - it's a Nicole Miller I got for like half off in this boutique. The downside - look at my arms. enough said. I didn't even think I gained weight that easily in my arms, but um, guess I do.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:20:24 GMT

okay so I'm about to head home from Seattle - today was fun, lots of shopping
I found one pair of jeans that fit - Hudson 24s always work for me. It was weird though, while I was out shopping I stopped in the north face and one of the guys that was helping me find a fleece gave me an extra small and while I was trying it on he was like wow you are really skinny. then he kept asking me stuff like do you have to shop in kids sizes sometimes and do you like being that thin? I was like uh well I guess it's okay, it's hard finding stuff to fit though... but honestly, what a weird question. I would never go up to someone and be like oh, hey, do you like being that fat? or do you like being that tall/short/old/young... whatever. It's weird... So apparently I'm back at 94/95 pounds? I am surprised, but I guess it's good. God, though, these dinners are awful. We've been eating at really nice places in Seattle, and at one place, Canlis, we literally spent four hours... appetizers, soups and salads, entrees, cheese plates, desserts, and lots of wine throughout. Oh and then the Maitre'D just HAD to give us a private tour of the wine cellar and the rooms above and the view and stuff... two hours is good for dinner, max. and I really can't appreciate spending thousands of dollars on wine - I mean I notice differences in the Washington wines and the Napa wines and French wines but honestly, I don't understand how my parents can justify spending that much on something that just goes down your throat, gets turned into abdominal fat cells and then exits, but whatever. I'll be ready to go home, my parents have been nonstop schmoozing with everyone at the hotels and restaurants, and it's a little boring for me. I wish one of my friends was with me lol - well actually I don't, I've swung back into eating disorder mode because I've been worried about the long and huge dinners. I was in a shop today and the assistant was bringing me back some jeans and dresses and was like so did you say you were here with your boyfriend? and I was like yeah, I wish! I'm just with my parents...
But today at some cool boutique I got a beautiful steel cinched Nicole Miller dress for like 20% off! The guy that owned the store brought it out from the back and said he needed to find someone that could wear the zero - and honestly, that is a tight zero! He said most people sized up in the dress, and I was like yeah I can see why! But i got that and the most georgeous swimsuit that looks like it is printed with a peacock-feather painting - it's stunning, and i love that it doesn't have the tacky bold-print that most swimsuits do. It's skimpy, but perfect for tanning. Tons of great stores here, I wish I could spend another week here by myself just shopping! That way there would be no scheduled meals and no century-long dinners...
anyways..... next therapy appointment monday or tuesday and that's good. I feel like I'm slipping. and I'm sick of everyone commenting on me being small. It's like having bright pink hair or something. Like everytime we've met someone here, they comment on it. They're like oh, great to meet you, then they make a joke like wow you're so small you might disappear if you turn sideways, or wow be careful, your legs might snap in the cold! There is such a fine line between being thin and too thin, and it's different for everyone. Some people think I'm way too thin but others could think I'm normal looking. I just want to be at a point where I am thin, no doubt about it. I have no clue how I could deal with 100. I'm worried at 95...
hope everyone's doing well!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 03:59:06 GMT

i feel fucking massive. Unfortunately, the above picture is me....
I'm not sucking in, but I probably should be - my waist looks too wide, ribs not visible enough, thighs too large...
99 pounds.
I'm at the threshold of fat. One more pound and I am FAT. Though this is the weight set by my parents/doctors that I'm supposed to reach, I don't know if I can do it! I'm already huge!!!!!!! how much fucking bigger am I supposed to get????
and my mom asked me today how much I weigh... I answered 102 or 103 so she wouldn't hassle me - and she kept going on and on about how I still look too tiny, etc. She even tried to convince me my legs were small... I was just like are you JOKING?? My legs are huge!
I am not happy right now, if you could tell. Recovery was going okay. Except now I'm almost 100 pounds. And I feel fatter than ever. I feel fatter than I did at 118!!!!!
I hate my body. I hate being fat. I hate triple digits. I hate that my BMI is no longer under 15. I hate that I'm not emaciated.
ughhhhhh

//edit//
okay to further prove the extent of my fatness -
these shorts? size 00. see how close they are to fitting??? they used to fall off of me, now I can fold over the top and they somewhat fit!

and here's a pic of my stomach flexed... which looks so nasty! my waist disappears and so do my ribs!! ewww

hate it. hate it. hate it.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 16:46:19 GMT

wow so the lock in after graduation was so freaking fun! I didn't win anything unfortunately but there were tons of raffles, the best one was $18,000 toward a new car. my best friend won a digital coffee maker haha. but we just ran around the whole time and i felt like i ate too much but my stomach looks pretty flat right now so I don't feel bloated. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with everyone and I'm pumped - first beach trip of the summer!!! i still have a few more graduation parties this week, but summer is officially here. and high school is done! it really makes me sad actually. i mean i'm excited for college but i know i'm going to kind of miss the comfort of all my high school friends and stuff... hmm
so my project graduation shirt was massive on me and my friend was like well maybe if you were normal sized... and she proceeded to tell me that it's weird that i'm two inches taller than her and under 100 pounds. i was just like okayy time to change the subject. i mean like what do you say when someone keeps going on and on about how you're too small? thank you isn't exactly appropriate, neither is no I'm not when you really are. I was just like um yeah actually i'm plus-sized i could have a heart attack at any minute and just tried to joke it off and then change the subject. it's just an awkward thing to bring up, especially when she was talking the whole time about how her doctor keeps telling her she's underweight. she looks fat so i don't know what warped world she's living in... she's 5'5" and probably 110 pounds and looks even worse because she has small arms and legs but is kind of wide... lol she pisses me off sometimes... why do people feel the need to talk to other people about their weight all the time? i don't care! how am I supposed to stop thinking about my weight when everyone else seems to focus in on it 24/7?
anyways... I'm supposed to hang out with this guy again today but I think I'll make him work instead. He was like hey call me later so we can go see a movie. If he really wants to, he can call me :) haha i love not caring! it's nice to act like a guy and be like relationship? nahh lets just hook up and I'll call you later if i feel like it. lol.
hope everyone is doing super welll!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Fri, 30 May 2008 19:36:03 GMT

helllooooo everyone
woohoo I'm officially done with high school!!! graduation tomorrow at reliant arena then project graduation!!! it's so fun, it's a lock in for the senior class. in a few minutes i need to call this guy that Ive been hanging out with a lot lately. I almost don't want to say that I like him, but yeah I'm definitely definitely interested. We've hung out like every day the past week haha. although i went to the movies with my ex yesterday.... but you know, I just want to have fun this summer. lol all my friends are like yeah just play a few guys at once it's more fun that way. So I think I'll do just that :)
umm I weigh 96, not so bad. I'm actually starting to kind of like the way I look. I think staying around this weight will suit me just fine. Hopefully I'll avoid the freshman 15 in college, but if I did gain 15 pounds I'd be 111 at 5'7" and that's not completely horrible. One of my friends is that weight and like 5'3" and though she doesn't really look skinny, she is still smaller than most. I'm so pumped to be done with my exams and everything :) and Im so excited for graduation. haha my gown is ridiculous - on top of the standard gown, I have an NHS collar, a top 10% cord, a spanish NHS cord, a GT cord, and a newspaper cord. it's kind of ridiculous looking! I'm still having a hard time letting myself get up to 100 (which is the weight I promised my mom I'd get to like 2 months ago)... I know I'm going to feel so big adding an extra digit to my weight. I guess I wouldn't mind my chest getting a bit bigger though... that's one thing that's been nice since going up from 90 - now I can fill out a 32B a lot better - for a little while I was about to have to go back to A's lol. I hope everyone is doing awesome!!! Good luck with everything!!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sat, 24 May 2008 19:10:04 GMT

hellooooo everyone!
had a semi-fun party last night. It was cool until sketchy people showed up and all the shots just made me tired. there was this guy playing acoustic guitar (which is a huge turn on for me) that I was listening to, and we were talking. he seemed fairly cool except like every 2 seconds he would say "you are just so beautiful" and gay stuff like that. I would just roll my eyes and I was like if you want to have sex just say so don't skirt around the issue lol. we ended up just fooling around a little (no sex) then he played me a few songs and i don't really want to say that i'm interested but he was kind of cool. he also cleaned up from the party while I was sleeping which was nice and he made up a song for me lol. but all guys are the same so I don't really expect him to be aaaany different. i weighed 96.6 after some water and a granola bar this morning which is good because I was scared all the alcohol would make me bloated. even though I'm still working on getting up to 100... god it just seems too big!
hope everyone else is doing well!!!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tue, 20 May 2008 18:17:20 GMT

heyyy everyone haven't posted in forEVER but I'm doing pretty well. I weigh 97.4 right now, so I'm still gaining weight. I've been eating breakfast and lunch every day as well, and it's really helping. It's so weird to get up in the morning and actually have to use the bathroom haha! I feel a lot more confident now, it always helps when your jeans don't hang off of you lol! I hope everyone else is doing well and remembers that recovery is always an option and you will be SO much happier. Honestly, I didn't think I would ever be able to be truly happy and like my old self again! I am pretty much back to being my old, funny, nice self. I actually wore my hair up the other day and didn't have to focus on how bad I thought I looked every second. Not completely free of obsessions with looks and weight but honestly, just changing the mentality a slight bit can make a world of difference! I don't feel like everyone is silently criticizing me as often as I usually do, and sometimes I'm even happy with how I look, and I don't have to go to the bathroom 7 times a day to make sure my makeup and hair is still perfect. Prom was last weekend, it was pretty fun! I have tons of pictures, here are just a few:

In the bottom one I'm the third from the left (blue dress), in the limo pic I'm next to the girl in the pink
I've decided to have a blowout party this friday at my house to celebrate our (almost) graduation. hehe I'm excited, it's too bad I have to deal with this creepy 23 year old guy to get our alcohol (he has a neck piercing and he's so sketchy) buuut it's worth it. Hope everyone else is doing super well, and if you're not, just remember that you are not stuck! It probably feels like you're paralyzed in the eating disorder but you're really really not! You can control it instead of letting it control you!!!!!
Much love, I'll try to get better about posting!

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Sat, 03 May 2008 12:39:08 GMT

hello everyone...
so weight-wise... i got up to 96 and for some reason I couldn't accept it so I'm back at 95? I don't know why I'm delaying this so much - I have to get to 100 no matter what so I'm just being dumb. Yesterday for my friends birthday some of the girls and I went out to the aquarium restaraunt. I was really nervous about dinner but it was not a big deal. I tried to be distracting and talk a lot so no one would notice I didn't have any bread (and then they ordered a second bread bowl and I was like okay come on now)... I got grilled shrimp, which came with 8 shrimp, veggies and rice. I ate two shrimp, all the veggies and a bite of rice so I wasn't too worried. and then my friend's birthday cake came out... so I had a few bites of my piece, but it was probably so many calories... I shouldn't even care because I have to gain weight, so I need to let myself enjoy it! It's really hard to get out of the mindset though...
BUT some good news. I was about to binge a few days ago and for some reasons when i was in my car I just started crying! I was thinking about my friends-with-benefits and this talk we had a few days ago when I was talking about how I was feeling a little used. and then I hadn't gotten a call from him or the other guy i've been talking to in like two days and I was just like wow, no one wants me. I must be ugly/fat/dumb/annoying... and I started crying... I guess binging/purging allows me to be numb because I HATE crying, so that's what I wanted to do at that moment. Instead, I wanted to legitimately feel better instead of masking it with an eating disorder, and I called my friend and was still crying and she was so sweet about everything, and the call ended with me laughing and she gave me some good advice. Then I texted the new guy and he called a second later and we talked for a long time. It was so nice because the situation turned out SO much better than if I had just kept it to myself and gone on to binge and purge... at least I think I'm out of the depths of my eating disorder... I don't think you can just stop, but you can try to reverse it. and that's what Im doing. anyways here some pics from yesterday (my friend is a sloooow driver so the people I drove got there way early and had to pass the time with pictures lol)
I'm in the white shirt btw

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:31:15 GMT

Heyyy everyone
so I haven't posted in a while... i figured everday posting wouldn't be the best for recovery. I gained a bit of weight at first and that freaked me out (I think my body had to rehydrate) but now I'm sticking at 95. I have to get up to 100 eventually but I'm working on it. My body fat has not budged from 5% so at least I don't feel too fat.
my life is currently a little confusing though. So my friend-with-benefits (my ex) didn't call me for like a week, so I was really pissed. and then this guy that I've been talking to invited me to a party and then we both ended up back at my house and fooled around. and I thought that would be it, just a one-time thing, but he keeps texting me and he's really sweet. almost annoyingly so because he calls me beautiful all the time and I find that annoying because guys always use that when they want to get some lol. but we hung out the next day and just watched a movie and didn't do anything. and he keeps texting me and stuff and keeps wanting to hang out. and so right when I'm like hey maybe I sort of like this guy, my ex calls and we talk for like forever and I was telling him how I just felt like he used me for sex and I was like well you know if that's all you want from me, there's plenty of girls out there to screw. and I was getting really sad and he started gettting kind of emotional too and he was like that's not all I want from you, I don't ever want you to think that. and then we had a really good talk. so now I'm torn. and I'm thinking I might just ride this one out for a little while... I mean I'm not going out with either of them so it's not like I really have any obligations, right? I don't know............ ugh and my stupid friend is having her birthday on friday and all the girls are going out to have dinner in houston, and I don't want to go because that takes away friday night and I have to go to my dad's saturday and sunday, so when am I going to be able to squeeze in fun with my ex and the new guy?
today we had our officer banquet where we passed down our positions, and I actually almost started crying - everyone was getting really emotional because we're all going to graduate and it just really sunk in! I also ordered my senior pics today for my grad announcements and stuff... haha the total was like 500 dollars - i didn't know pictures were that much! I think I ordered like way too many though :)
oh and i got voted most likely to be a millionaire!! shot down for most likely to succeed... but hey millionaire isn't bad lol.
on a side note: I am bewildered by my bodily functions - having to go to the bathroom every day is kind of amazing since that used to never happen. I'm also eating breakfast and lunch. It's weird. But I guess it's good.
hope everyone is doing well!!!