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| because I love youAbout a week before Valentines Day even arrived, I had already established that this "Hallmark holiday" was pointless. Regardless of the fact that I have a bf, I still thought the inevitable V-day was just like any other day of the year and didn't exactly have any special bearing as opposed to an anniversary or even Christmas. It's like a St. Patty's day to me. I'm not Irish and no matter how much green I wear on that day, I'll never have any reason to celebrate it with Irish spirit. Valentines day didn't really matter to me. It's just another day for kids to have some fun and for grown ups to have another reason to party. Probably explains why I ordered a gift 3 days before. Aside from the fact that my garden gnome gift last year was hard to beat, I just didn't feel like making it a big deal. I mean, a garden gnome alone shows how little it mattered to me. I admitted this to Phil, assuming that he'd feel the same since he's a guy and usually guys tend to be not as sensitive. Well, that assumption sorta back-fired when Phil says he likes to have a day like Valentines to remind him how much he loves me and to show that to me. Man, did I feel like an idiot. Phil pretty much said what I, as a girl, am supposed to say. I had to admit he was right, because while Valentines Day seems trivial, I should still be happy to celebrate the relationship that I have with the love of my life. So, though I was proud of my gift last year, I put some extra though into my gift and came out with something more personal: 
I figure, I work with photoshop almost everyday, why not make use of my
skills and make a poster? Thankfully, the day was saved and the poster
arrived on Valentines Day and I got a big kiss in return. Seeing him
so happy is priceless and I'm glad that I turned things around to make
that happen. | | |
| I'm breathing from the lungs of a monster
I haven't written in awhile and I've decided its time to put another two cents in the xanga. Things have been turning out for the better in the past couple of months, I suppose since the quarter started. Now that it is my junior year, a lot of questions need to be answered and 'settling' is inching ever so close. From the week in August when my struggle with Phil began to reveal God's heart to me, to how close friends are talking to me about God, to how I snagged a killer job that I've been praying for, till now when I start thinking about what God has planned next...I have so much to be thankful for. I am overwhelmed with nothing but gratitude, for all the blessings and all the hardships that He has put me through. Despite our failures, God continues to redeem us and sees everything through.
I recently got a job working for Flexdex skateboards as a web and graphic designer and working there has not only given me something else to do, but it's putting what I love to do into use and also opening myself up to different career paths. As far as a career, I still have no idea what I am meant to do, but I know I have to be patient and keep working for God to reveal that to me. When we think of Joseph from the Bible who eventually became the right-hand man to the pharoah, we should ask ourselves 'how long will we wait for God's moment?' What are we willing to endure to truly understand and appreciate His blessing?
This brings me to the subject of patience. Does patience really matter? Why do Christians have to constantly wait? Why do we wait for the 'right one'? Why is it so important to wait for sex until marriage? Why do we wait for God to give us the 'ok'? Does it make a difference?
A good friend of mine who is a Christian one day came up to me and told me she had had sex with someone and while I freaked out, she told me that it wasn't as a big of a deal as she thought it would be. She said she didn't understand why people make such a big fuss about it. And though at the time I thought she was crazy, I've been thinking, why does it matter? Does that one experience really matter?
God has good intentions and He intends for us to live righteous lives so that we may be fruitful. It's easy to think that one or two questionable experiences are trivial in respect to a whole lifetime. It's very easy to say that we regret nothing. But we should never forget that life is short. As long as time restrains us, we have but everything to lose. Life is a gift; the fact that I woke up today alive and breathing is a gift from God. In the same way, our bodies are God's gift to us. Everything from our voice, to our hue, to our fingerprints, they are unique gifts. And just like any gift that we recieve, we're supposed to take care of it to our best ability.
As far as waiting...We wait because we trust God. That's what patience is. It's more than just obedience, it's about putting our trust and our faith in God's plan. It's denying ourselves everything that we could easily get right away, and trusting that God will pave a better way.
I was telling my friend the other day about how I dated two people and he seemed surprised to know that I've only had two boyfriends. But I told him, that I actually only wanted one and had thought that the first one was it. I told him I regretted the first one, because I failed to recognize God first before jumping ahead. I remember praying to God, asking Him to make it work, hoping maybe He'll favor me and just make all the pieces fit. I do not regret all the lessons I've learned from it, but I do regret hiding from God, expecting His blessing, and wanting everything to go my way. All I wanted was one, and I got two.
Though it may seem like I'm taking this a little bit too serious, I would give almost anything to take back that experience. I remember being told as a kid about couples who have their first kiss on their wedding day and thinking to myself, wow what a wonderful gift.
After denying God in my first relationship, I sorta went into a beat-myself-up phase where I felt like I deserved nothing and that I would just remain obedient and single until I could forgive myself. I felt like I wouldn't mind if God put His judgment on me. I didn't feel like I deserved forgiveness. and yet, about a year later, after I had graduated, God blessed me with Phil. The funny thing is, I didn't want it at first. I thought maybe God was mistaken, could He have forgotten what I had done just a year ago? How could God forgive me so easily when I could not even forgive myself? Even after a year, I would still wake up with dreams of the past and actually wake up in tears because I still could not let mself off the hook.
By bringing Phil back into my life, God gave my first kiss back to me. Instead of having me end up with someone who would be my third kiss, He gave me my first. Everytime I think about this, it makes me teary, because I am so grateful.
Be patient. Wait for God, keep praying, never stop believing that God has the best plan for you. Never compensate your dreams and your innermost desires. And lastly, be thankful for everything, for God is good. | | |
| I dont understand people who can spend hours on myspace. not only is it always slow, its poorly made. I hate that site
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| everything between the X and Y
what does it mean to be a girl and how are we suppose to respond to guys? why are the differences between guys and girls so universal, despite social structures and life styles? I've been thinking about the gap between a woman and a man, and why God has created us to be just as human as the other, but has geared us in a way to respond so differently. It's very easy to just say that a girl reacts emotionally and guys think rationally. but I think there lies more than that. when fil decided to break up, he told me that he wanted to still be able to come to me for support and advice and remain a friend. I figured, sure. yet when I told my brother what fil said, I was very struck when anthony replied "That might be alright later, but for right now you are in no position to give him advice. He needs to find 'brothers' to talk to, because only guys will understand what he is going through. And just the same, you need to find 'sisters' to talk to, cause only girls will understand what you're going through"
For the past month or so, i've been thinking over what he had said and it has forced me to realize the beauty that God has created in the differences between a guy and a girl. Why would it not be an entirely good idea for a girl to spend all her time with a group of guys or even vice versa. From middle school and even until now, the friends who I have known the longest, is a group of guys. Though I can consider them my best friends in respect to how well they know me, I find it hard for me to say that they are my "closest" friends because of how little they really understand me as a girl. I'm not trying to say this is a horrible idea, or that I regret it. but it puts this topic into perspective.
Though I do not speak for everyone, I'm sure that all girls look at this world and have a desire in their heart to be protected from it and to be loved for who they are and not how they look. it's hard to believe that true love comes with no expectations attached, but that is what God intended it to be and how He acts towards us. Guys should strive for humility and girls should protect their hearts. | | |
| we take time off only to waste it Everytime I talk to Ryan Lue, for some reason, I come out feeling very humbled. Just the things that he says, and they way he explains things makes me not only feel like he understands but also reminds me how simple things really are. And it makes me realize how much God has in His hands. There is so much I am confused and doubtful about, so many things that I fear. We want to feel like we have most things figured out, but when God throws challenges at us, it's hard to know what to do next. And Ryan is right in saying that people are constantly being forced to make choices, and even change to adapt. There are so many things about a relationship that I dont get, and because of that I find myself falling short. When you come to love someone and go in the relationship process, you begin to be amazed at God's love for us. How is it possible for God to look past all of our short comings and still love us unconditionally? Why does God never fall back on His love for us? Why does He never question whether we're worthy to even have His attention? Those who cannot bring themselves to love are those who don't understand God at all, and are missing out. I was listening to this beautiful song from Sara Groves called "Loving a Person" and she talks about how grace is needed when you love a person. And it brought me back to when I first went out with Phil and my brother told me "your love for Phil should be a sample of your love for God". Ryan told me today that a relationship should be like two fruit trees that are always pruning eachother, making eachother more beautiful and healthy, and though you can distinguish the two, they look like one massive tree.There are always going to be challenges along the road, but it comes down to whether we love that person enough to go through with it and support eachother. It should never be about us, but about the person; a love that is self-sacrificing and always willing.
I know I'm writing a lot on this topic, but it's something that is heavy on my heart. | | |
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