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| fuck sleeping.So, the past 3 days have been a series of travel mishaps all resulting from my having fallen asleep.
First, I was in Ohio.
At 4am, i decided to close my eyes for 15 minutes, until we went to catch my train.
then at 6am, i woke up and started freaking out; we rushed to cleveland
and BARELY missed the train. I decided to go to the airport and figure
out a way to catch a flight home, mother gave me her credit card number
to try and buy a ticket.
So i get to the airport, find the cheapest ticket to new york ($262.80)
with us airways at 9:45am, call the reservations number to try and pay
with the credit card, i give all the numbers billing address, etc. they
say everything's fine and i can check in, so i go try, and they say no,
you can't check in, the credit card hasn't gone through. there was a
problem with the billing address. so i call the reservations number
again, [really, mother is supposed to be calling them, but it's like
2am in hawaii at this point] correct the billing address [mother still
had our old address on the card] and try to check in again. NOPE!
again, it wouldn't go through. so i call again, they assure me that my
card has gone through, but again, nothing. at this point i've missed my
flight completely. so the desk agent puts me on a later flight,
standby.
So when i call back, The woman on the other end of the phone says
that not only is she charging me MORE because i missed my flight, but
also i have to pay at the desk because i'm on standby. Which is
impossible because i don't have the card and neither of my cards will
go through.
So i'm pissed the fuck off at this point. the later flight that i'm
flying standby on is inching closer and there's a chance i might miss
it, but finally i get someone on the phone, yell at them for a little
while, and make them give me the right fare, with the ticket, spend a
half hour on hold on a payphone [because oh yeah! i forgot my phone and
didn't have it for the WEEK i was in ohio] and finally i'm able to
check in correctly, and have been given a seat on the plane. So, in the
end on friday niht, almost 300 dollars later, i'm in poughkeepsie and
i'm alive.
THEN!
I packed and fooled around all of saturday, got ready to go, decided to
take a nap at about 7:45...i have 2 hours before i have to get up to
get on a train down to the city. And i wake up at 3:15am. my flight is
at 6am.
but anyway, i call stef, he rescues me and jordan drives me down the
the city [he got from poughkeepsie to LGA in 1 hour and 15 minutes,
when usually it takes at least 2 hours. We got pulled over once for
doing 71 in a 45. No ticket, which is INCREDIBLE. gotta love state
troopers.
so anyway, we arrive in LGA at 5:20am, 10 minutes before the flight
cutoff, when i can't get onto the flight. I go up to the agent and they
need to charge me $100 for changing my routing. I don't have $100. it
doesn't occur to me that i have my checkbook in my purse until 5:35
when i've already missed my flight. So at this point, i'm just trying
to get to hawaii, i don't care where. The man helping me was this
wonderfully gay man who saw my rainbow wallet [his response: i'm a
lifetime member of HRC and i would LOVE to help you but i simply cannot
check you in without paying the $100 fee.] and liked me so gave me a
non-mileage plus seat even when i paid with miles. and changed my
routing, which he was not supposed to do, but he did anyway. there was
ONE seat left on a flight from chicago to kahului, so at this point:
I'm flying into Kahului, Maui, and I will arive at 1:49pm on sunday.
which is actually earlier than i would have gotten to honolulu. What
i'm gonna do in Kahului, I have no fucking clue. I'm probably gonna try
and change my island air flight [which was supposed to be next week, i
was visiting my grandmother] so that i can get back to honolulu. I
might end up spending a few days in Hana before I come back. So i'm no
longer arriving sunday night, i'll keep anyone who reads this updated
when i know more.
I'm stressed, i'm carrying an illegal substance, and i'm flying to the wrong airport.
but it's ok.
i'm going home.
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| really?i'm so not fucking ok. i'm so not fucking at peace. and it's because of what happened, and what CONTINUES to fucking happen. so,
fuck you.
i think i might be able to hate you, and that feels so good.
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| how i miss you, my hawai'iI hear the wind traveling down the ko'olau
it touches my skin, makes me think of
how much i miss you, my hawai'i
i breathe the fragrance of a yellow ginger lei
i look inside myself, to find the words to say
how much i miss you, my hawai'i
every time i stop to watch the moon
dance across the early evening sky
every time i hear a country tune
i can see the shores of wai'anae
every time i listen to my heart
telling me it longs to go back home
it makes me want to, because i miss you, my love
i catch the glimmer of your face across the sky
i watch the setting sunand i begin to cry
because i miss you, my hawai'i
i rest my head upon the sands of waikiki
i close my eyes and i hear you calling me
how i miss you, my hawai'i
every time i stop to watch the moon
dance across the early evening sky
every time i hear a country tune
i can see the shores of wai'anae
every time i listen to my heart
telling me it longs to go back home
it makes me want to, because i miss you, my love
every time i stop to watch the moon
dance across the early evening sky
every time i hear a country tune
i can see the shores of wai'anae
every time i listen to my heart
telling me it longs to go back home
it makes me want to, because i miss you, my love
my god i ache. 33 days is far too long.
sitting here, listening to iz, aching to be home. almost ill i need it so badly. someone, please distract me for the next 33 days. and stop me from listening to the hawaiian language podcasts i just downloaded, my iz, and youtube videos of na leo pilimehana.
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| intense.Most fucking intense weekend ever.
and i needed it.
glooooooriously.
can't wait to go home. like whoa. i yearn for my hawai'i with all of my being.
settling.
the end.
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| life update, thoughtsfigured i'd do a general life update/blog/thoughts, since i hadn't for awhile.
First year of college is over, for which i'm glad, but i'm also looking forward for next year to start. My grades second semester weren't as good as i was hoping for, enough that i'm mildly concerned about my blessed financial aid status. but on the other hand, that'll give me great ammo to ask for more hours for next year, and maybe i'll be able to quit taco bell.
Now it's summer, and i'm working full time on campus, at the nursery school, which is fun. there's a really nice gay boy who works with me, and we get along well. I like working with kids, they're fascinating creatures. As i recently described them to a friend, "they're sweet and innocent. and kind of vicious. it's fun to watch." some of their issues and concerns are fascinating. i may start taking notes, as i get to know each of them better. one boy has some intense privacy issues - a teacher has to stand by the door when he goes to the bathroom, while most of the other kids just come and go as they please, and he wont change into a bathing suit to get in the water. it's mildly ridiculous during drop off/pickup time to see my chem and calc professors picking up the kids i've been playing with all day.
During the summer i'm also going to be working on programming for my job during the year as a blegen intern [blegen is the lgbtq center/center for the study of social change]. i'm glad i got the job as a freshman [they usually don't let freshmen get it] because it gave me a chance to get accustomed to campus and the queer community, and i'm hoping that we'll be able to put on some really interesting events for this year. We just went through a massive hiring process to find a new director [the old one, an absolutely AMAZING man, retired after first semester last year], and despite having two search committees, the director of campus life hired the absolute worst candidate we had interviewed. she has no experience organizing in lgbtq communities. he basically hired an administrator, not a director of blegen. anyway, we students are preparing for a mutiny, and the conversion of blegen to a primarily student run organization.
I recently went through two very difficult break ups, that i'm recovering from, possibly not in a very healthy way, but i'm also not putting my hurt into a box. so, less unhealthily than what i would have done. it's still hard to think about either of them or talk to them, but perhaps that will change with time. there's a lot more to that story, but i don't really want to rehash it or relive it at all.
My relationship status is currently very single, and probably will be for awhile, even if i'm cultivating new friendships [and friendships with benefits, both vanilla and not] with a variety of people. i'm fascinated by this tendency in myself to seek sex in a good portion of the people i hang out with or talk to. i mean, sex is not a big deal for me, and i was thinking about this earlier...but i feel like i'm searching for human connection, especially now that i feel like i have few to no friends around for the summer, and not many more people to hang out with.
I think realistically, that's why i've stayed at taco hell so long. part of it was for the money, but also it's nice to be immersed in the utter humanity of it, the lower/lower-middle class people WORKING for their shit. being at vassar, i've realized, is such a higher-class place. really, when is the last time that most of my classmates has had less than $500 in their bank account? the drama, the pettiness of taco bell...of being out in poughkeepsie, having my own separate set of connections and friends that has nothing to do with vassar...it's wonderful. At the same time, though, i feel like i'm bridging two worlds, and i feel wrong in both of them. at vassar i'm ashamed that i work at taco bell, at taco bell, i'm so different because i'm white, i go to a great school, and of course i'm rich, i go to vassar, right? I want to separate myself from vassar at the same time that i want to throw myself in it, to dedicate all of myself to changing vassar into the place i want to see.
At the moment i'm in a very interesting mood, for me. listening to hip hop, [some promoter handed me a cd through the drive-thru, sunday at work] finding myself incredibly attracted to the stereotypical "ghetto" black stud [either male or female], as well as the preppy little white girls and boys found at vassar or along those same lines.
ok, the steady stream of conciousness has stopped, so i'll end on that note.
*edit/addition* [because it's way too much work to make a new entry]
I feel very unsettled. I can't stop doing shit, i can't just sit down and chill like i used to be able to. i can't stay in my room sober. i can't clean it, i can't clean any of my shit, even though i really need to, because i just can't stand to be here. i turned down dinner/chill plans to go to work today, even though i really didn't want to. partially because i want edie to like me more, partially because i know if i went and got fucked up even in the slightest, i'd make a complete fool out of myself. i'm sort of dreading robin's bash tomorrow night, just because i don't want to be an idiot, but i'm hoping i'm comfortable enough around them that it won't happen. and maybe i'll even get laid. or maybe i'll just make a complete fool out of myself. i want to buy more cigarettes. i have no real reason to quit. my biggest motivator at the moment is that my favorite little kid at work won't let my lay next to him durin nap time after my break. and that barely even does anything.
ha, i just read my fortune from the fortune cookie i ate last night while i was stoned off my ass. it said "romance will come your way soon"...shit. that's the last fuckin thing i need.
anyway. give me a reason to quit smoking. it's not like i'm addicted, i just smoke for something to fucking do with my goddam hands. and because i have no reason to quit.
i'm taking a bottle of vodka to work with me tonight, i think that's a good plan. don't really know when i'm going to leave work, but we'll see how late i feel like staying.
i've figured it out. i need some sort of caring human connection to settle myself. whether it's a close friend, or someone i happen to be fucking, i need a reason to clean myself the fuck up. to do something. to actually give a shit. because i really don't give a shit right now. i don't want to be at one job, so i go to the other. i don't want to be reminded about how fucking distant i am from humanity, so i go to work. so i can feel real, like a real, decent person, if only for 5 hours. fuck. ok, i think i'm done.
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