| Allow me to set the stage for you....The year is 2002. A younger David Steele is finishing the Spring semester of his freshman year at Houghton College. As a lowly freshman, David has been forced to take several extremely boring classes that were essentially repeats of classes he had in high school. One such class that is a rehashing of high school World History class is entitled "Western Civilization II". David bought the book for the class and proceeded to never open it. David had also skipped many of the Western Civilization classes and therefore, had a limited awareness of upcoming tests. SCENE 1:
Dreary eyed, David slowly ambles his way up to the third floor of the Academic Building towards his Western Civ class. Clutching a cup of coffee in his hand, he is already five minutes late for class but is in no hurry to get there. As he walks into class, he notices his classmates pouring over a packet of paper on their desks, furiously scribbling on the pages as they read.
David realizes instantly what is occuring and a look of suprise and dread instantly crosses his face. He proceeds to walk to the front of the room and picks up the final exam packet that his peers have already been working on for the last 5-10 minutes. David slowly takes his seat, takes one more sip of coffee and then begins the tortuous task of working through the test full of material he has not read about or studied in the slightest. Thank God for multiple choice.
The first few sections go well. Then come the essays. David B.S.'s his way through the first couple and feels pretty satisfied with his answers, even smug. Then comes the last short essay question which reads as follows: "Define the 'White Man's Burden' and discuss how this led to the justification of empirization." David is crap-faced. He has no clue whatsoever about what the 'White Man's Burden' might be. Although he does know that 'empirization' is not really a word.
David takes a few more sips of coffee and tries to think of a way to B.S. this answer. None come to mind. Finally, David's lack of sleep and apparent caffeine buzz cause him to make a fateful decision....Since he has no clue what the correct answer is, no real knowledge of the subject matter, and will no doubt get it wrong anyway, David decides to have a little fun. He writes the following: "The White Man's Burden always has been, and always will be, the woman. What is a woman? How do the operate? Where is the manual? Rather than attempting to answer these unanswerable questions, man has historically decided to seperate from society and spend as much time as possible with other men in various attempts to conquer the world. This escape led to the justification of 'empirization'.
Evidence of this attempt to get away from the burden of women are evidenced throughout history in wars, rebellions, and various military campaigns. King Richard the Lionheart left for the Crusades to get away from women. Napolean spent most of his natural life attempting to conquer the world, all to get away from women. Christopher Columbus sailed around the world, through uncharted waters and untold dangers, to a land no European knew, all because he was sick of women.
Nor did it stop there. Wars and conquests still continue. Man's desire to be with those he can understand, rather than toiling to understand that which he cannot comprehend, is still the driving force behind all wars, conquests, and explorations. The problem man faces today is that he is running out of excuses to leave home for a while. Almost everything has been discovered, climbed, explored, mapped, or otherwise used already. The result is an entirely new breed of man with a "sensitive" side. Essentially this means that man is attempting to explore and understood the one thing in the world that can never be fully understood, the female mind.
But nevertheless, some men will try. Well I say bollucks to that. I think men should escape even without reason. Simply tell the woman that man time is needed. Get together and grunt! Drink the nectar of manliness - BEER! Go fishing! Kill animals! This is what makes man. Down with sensitivity and the attempt to understand women. Down with the ballet! Down with the opera! Down with the nagging in-laws! It is time for man to cast off his burden and finally live as man was intended to live." David, quietly walks to the front of the classroom and hands in his exam. SCENE 2:
Two days later. The Academic Building. Again, David slowly ambles towards the door to his Western Civ class, clutching his precious life-giving cup of coffee. Again, David is late for class. As he opens the door he sees his professor addressing his peers about the test. Professor Neese sees David walk in the door and immediately stops the class and points at David.
"I want to talk to you in the hall real quick"
"CRAP", David thinks to himself. "I'm in deep shit"
Professor Neese follows David into the hallway and begins talking:
"David, I was wondering if I could get your permission to read the essay you wrote to the class"
"Huh?", David responds, obviously shocked and a little unnerved.
"I really like your essay and I wanted to share it with everyone", says professor Neese.
"Um....sure I guess", David responds, not sure if this is some sort of clever punishment for his ridiculous answer.
Professor Neese reassures David saying, "It's not a bad thing. I really though it was funny and wanted to share it. I won't tell anyone who wrote it."
David thinks to himself that Professor Neese is obviously oblivious to the fact that 4/5 of the class is female and that this will likely ruin any chance he had at romance for the next 4 years of college. But David gives his professor the okay anyway. SCENE 3: David and Professor Neese re-enter the room where the professor proceeds to finish what he was previously saying and then reads the essay aloud for everyone. The guys laugh hysterically. The girls laugh uncomfortably. SCENE 4: It is the end of class and David walks to the front to retrieve his test papers, purposefully waiting until everyone else has left. It is at this time that Professor Neese tells David that he thought the essay was great and had shared it with all the other professors in the History/Social Studies Dept. of the College. Furthermore, Professor Neese tells David that he may go back to the dorm, research what the "White Man's Burden" REALLY is, and rewrite the essay for credit. David laughs and then goes back to his dorm. He waits three weeks two rewrite the essay. The End. |
