Man in his late 40s not ready to accept that he is getting older and his eye sight is decreasing was at his home office desk sitting in front of his newly bought IPad. All that soft porn sites totally turning him on and at this age, in his single life that’s the only sex relief he has.
So suddenly his new IPhone made a noise as he was not knowing the technician at the Apple Store setup his email. The email came from the local community forum.
Our man frowned taking his phone which was sitting away from him… and as he picked up the phone he asked “What, looking for ejaculation?”
Then he brought the phone up close and lifted both his eyebrows up and his mouth wide open … put down his phone in disappointment… saying “Electrician”
May the scents of spring wrap you in the winter cold,
May the warmth of summer take a smile from your face,
May the colors of fall sprout from your eyes,
On this day and everyday hereafter …
Happy Sweet Sweet Birthday MoCuishle.
No where to go,
I owe and owe and owe,
I am not the one, I am no one.
I've fallen beyond my own imagination,
Still my love in stubborn melancholy screams,
Mo Cuishle means my darling, Mo Cuishle is my darling,
I am no one, no one needs me, Ah' no where to go,
What to do?
Dreams, memories, paths passed,
Oh’ how wonderfully ecstatic all were!!.
Lights in dreams turned off,
Memory lines Blocked.
Oh’ how foolish you were to step on that treadmill,
Set, executed with all bells and whistles.
What hurts more is the knowledge,
How pathetically I failed to save you from it all.
Now that your life as a fantastic ‘circus’ you celebrate,
Why not forget the past?
Why not forgive each other?
Why not hold the hands in union for the future?
Hey’ Every ‘circus’ needs a clown isn’t it?
The day looked very bright outside when I woke up. I rubbed my eyes and looked outside once more, bright like the middle of the day. I checked the time and it was indeed the middle of the day. I am late by about four hours. Then a question raised in my mind. Late for what? There is nothing out there waiting for me. So I slowly sat on my bed, checking my emails on phone, then checked facebook... nothing special going on this wonderfully bright weekend. I brushed my teeth, then washed my eyes once more and looking at the mirror I apologized again and again. I walked out saying “I should have known” I came and sat on the loveseat and thought how simple my life still the effort I put in to keep things moving is a struggle I value in my own ways. There are a lot of people out there dearer ones too who won’t get this struggle. I smiled at my own problems and thought … oh’ there are people who lives a much more simpler life than me, even though they are much more talented and efficient than I am. Those choices they make and make those choices as dreams and fight their way through every bit of life to learn and implement plans and they will all survive. I never fought, at the first hurdle I will look left and right and then find my way back of safety. That’s my choice and I value my choices with equal importance like those who made their choices their dreams. There are no differences I can see at all. WIth that thought I turned on the T.V and watched news. I felt the echo of the T.V all through the house, I live near the ghetto, in a small house, compared to many houses of my friends and relatives. One of my friend’s 6 year old kid once came at my front door and said... I’d like to see the inside of your dirty house. My friend tried to scold her and I told come in and I took her around and shown her every corner of the house. She told “it is not dirty at all” Then I smiled and told..”I cleaned my house the best I can because I heard you may come” She smiled and left. With that thought in my mind I said, I live in a bigger house compared to a trailer one of my friend lives. I said aloud “Once a friend, always a friend” and got up to the whistle of my old tea pot. While pouring the hot water on top of the Oolong tea bag I said to myself “I have had no idea how important what she does is for her” I walked to the window and stood there and I saw clouds gather up high in the west I spoke to myself again.. “Ah’ the cloud in the mind cleared and there comes the storm, bring it on, my love for her will make me a survivor”. I went back and got the tea ready and I spoke aloud to myself “See everyone finds a reason to weave a dream and live that dream. Its just that your own dream only made sense to you” I sat and thought and thought and thought then I stood up and put my hand on my heart and said “May God bless her with every blessing of this world and every world of his creation and forgive me Oh’ God for the ill I thought for the fulfillment of the dream of another”. I walked with a cold cup and bowed head back to the kitchen with a feeling this is one prayer that will be accepted.
There were raccoons fighting outside the window and I woke up hearing them. Listening to them I laid there maybe I smiled once or twice because those noises were all heard in the night. Then I realized I am probably smiling at myself. Then I asked aloud, “What are these creatures thinking?” I smiled once more and started talking to myself.
“Hey life would have been easier if at least one of the things you wanted became a reality” I smiled again, then turned on the small T.V. Some show on PBS was going on talking about things that have no relevance to me and probably to anyone. I turned to the other side and continued my talk. “Maybe you should have been a little more proactive about what you wanted than just taking what you need.”.
Then I took my phone turned it on and started looking into my Facebook account then remembered why I started a Facebook account. I thought someone invited me to Facebook, when what really happened was it was not an invitation at all. It was just information. Then I smiled again and said to myself “Look, all your assumptions were just assumptions no reality were ever in it and all you did were writing poetry based on dreams and tried to live those poetry in your real life.”.
I turned again, now facing T.V and I can barely hear the raccoons so I kept my soliloquy running. “You never loved, you can never love that's the reality. Love cannot be manufactured, love cannot be created, love is the understanding of a character, behavior, thoughts, dreams wishes and every breath of another person and accepting that understanding. When two people have the acceptance of each other, love happens. It never happened to you, all you did was write about it beautifully and got lost in those writings.”. I turned but not to the other side but now lying on my back I looked up and said “ I can take all the blame, but didn't I tried everything I can to make a girl understand me? She didn't even cared to try or I was too eccentric to her because I just thought I love her or I understood her and accepted that understanding. Now she don't want to even call me an idiot, she once said, it will be stupid not to talk to you but now she don't want to hear from me she don't want to speak to me even virtually”.
I heard the phone cry again this time I took it up and looked. Junk mail and predictions from an Astrology website predicting that I am going to have a fantastic day. I looked up and smiled then said “Naaa you are not going to let me escape that easily for doing all that I have done. I cannot even forgive myself, then how can you forgive me God? Ooh I don't know what I am saying “ I got up and sat on my bed with my head in a bowed position then continued “Did any girl ever thought about me with romantic love?” I answered myself “Naaa there exists no girl to love me, it will be the worst curse any girl can ever take to love me because I love a girl who cannot love me, who can't even care to read anything I write”. By this time I noticed the PBS channel not clear and the audio breaking up. But I cannot hear the raccoons anymore.
I plunged my head right back onto the pillow but I heard the screeching again I said “aaa my buddies are still out there”. I was in fact glad to hear them knowing that unknowingly those creatures are entertaining me. I closed my eyes for the angels of sleep to carry me in their hands.
Surprisingly I opened my eyes and T.V was off. I heard no screeching and it was about 2:00PM. I plunged my head to the other side saying “wow that dream reflected my recent past”. I closed my eyes painting the image of the girl I love a lot inside my eyelids.
Once I was doing a poetry show late at night. It was about 4:00AM and there was no one in the BlotgTV chat room and I was still going great guns in the other chat. I was reciting a poem called “The Lady Of The Woods” From my book and one visitor came to my BlogTV chat. I don’t know it was a he or she. There is no way one can verify that other than through co-hosting there. This person heard the poem and asked me.
“Who wrote that poem?”
I kinda gave a strange look. Someone coming to my chat and don’t even say hello and ask how I am, is not in the chat with the best of the intentions.
So I asked “Hello there, how are you doing?” the visitor said, “I am doing good man.”
I looked again at the question and answered “I wrote that poem, it is in my book” and I raised my book “Age Of Survival” my collection of poems which I published in 2006.
The visitor said “Aha you are a published author, how much is the book?” I replied “$21.00”
By that time another question came from the other site and I answered that question. This person by this time got all confused that I am saying things which makes not much sense to the visitor was the only person in that chat room
The visitor to my chat room had gone a bit aggressive and asked “Have you seen the pussy of the lady of the woods?”
I am no man who will tolerate anything like that in my chat room usually I kick anyone who speaks like that in my chat room. Still I thought no one else is there on BlogTV and the authors listening to my chat in the other chat are more older than me who will know what is going on.
I said “No I haven’t seen it” I frowned a bit and continued “See, I don’t really go and look into pussies. I fuck in here’.
“So you fuck in anything that got a pussy?” the visitor asked. I know the trap in that question so I answered it clearly “A girl who is willing to have sex with me who is at least 18 years or older and is willing to have a romantic relationship with me socially may have a good chance in getting fucked by me.”
The visitor immediately typed “What if she is not willing?” I said “Nope, I will not touch her, a no is a no is a no when it comes to having sex.” I leaned forward on to the table and said “See I am a man, a poet, a brother and a son.. I have seen women of many culture and character and of course I have made my mistakes too but now I know who should sleep with me or not.” I by that time know I am speaking a bit over the limit. Still it is a chatroom so I thought I will keep it going.
Then the visitor asked “Do you have children?” I said “I don’t think so, well I am not sure as no one claimed to be my child yet.”
The visitor immediately asked “So you are just sitting here trying to seduce women with your poems to come to your place and have sex with you.“
I said “Nope I am not an online weirdo who runs after girls” when I said that much the visitor said “You are a mother fucker, you know that.”
I told the visitor “Happy Birthday”
Visitor said “It is not my birthday”
I said “See I am from South India, in our culture and tradition birth happens at the time of conception” visitor asked “What?”
Holding my laughs I continued “Yup this is the exact moment years back I cum into your mother’s pussy.” Visitor again asked “WTF?”
I kept going “That’s why I said Happy Birthday, I told your mom to raise you well but looks like she did a bad job.”
The visitor immediately left but as blogtv have a provision of banning someone not in the chatroom with a command I banned that visitor.
Then I looked in the other chat and I saw a lot of LOL, ROFL and LMAO going on there. Without saying anything more I announced “Next poem, Reading Poems from the book Age Of Survival, a poem written about a man who loved a girl, who wanted that girl to love him back but felt rejected when she told another man’s name as her lover” then I burst myself into laughs about what I said earlier..
I saw the admin on the other chat type in a private message
“I think you should go to bed and get some nice sleep”
I agreed and announced “Reading Poems will be recited tomorrow as our admin don’t want me to wish happy birthday to anyone anymore.”
I shut down my computer and went to bed with more laughs.
Long time back when I was in college in Mysore, one night my friend Nadeem came to me and my brother and asked “Hey you guys want to go to a movie?” I said “Yes to see a movie we have to go to a theater, the movie is not going to come to us.”
Nadeem stared at me for about five seconds and said “Asshole that’s what I am saying, don’t you get it.” I was really good in using someone else’s words and saying things that doesn’t make any sense at all so I replied “Yes I have an asshole but that ain’t available to anyone, especially you.” And I pointed all my fingers at him and continued “See all my fingers are pointed at you Nadeem.”
Nadeem took hold of my hand and twisted saying “ I am going to break all these jerking fingers.” And I squealed like a chicken about be slaughtered. We were such great friends we ate, laughed, fought and spoke about almost any subject without caring much about what the other person thought about. So we decided to go for a movie then a major question came to all of our minds and all of us almost asked together “How will we go?” we lived about 4 miles away from the theater so we need some sort of vehicle to get there and it was cold too.
My roommate Timoor said “We can borrow lunas” (luna is a moped widely used in India) so we borrowed lunas from other folks in the hostel we were staying and as I don’t ride any two wheelers I was sitting behind Nadeem. Ashfaq the owner of the luna we were riding had a Yamaha motor bike so he was coming on that. My brother and Timoor were riding another moped and on the first intersection Nadeem screamed.. “Fuck man” I raised one of my eyebrows and said aloud “The only thing I can fuck sitting here is your ass and I am not interested in that” Nadeem in laughs told “Fuck you Riaz, this thing have no break at all” Now I raised both my eyebrows and asked “So what do we do?” Nadeem said “ Our legs are the breaks so when I say break you put your leg down ” I laughed and agreed. By the time Ashfaq came on his Yamaha bike and Nadeem asked “What happened to the breaks of this?” Ashfaq said “I don’t know, it is a stolen one I bought for 50 rupees.”
I screamed “Fuck me man, now if we get caught by the cops we will be blamed for stealing the luna”
By this time we reached the circle where the theater is, Nadeem said “Break” I put both my legs down and he did not put anything down and kept going I fell right on my back and was helped by a man walking by to get up. It felt really bad and I really wanted to scream aloud in pain. I am a strong man and held on. We went ahead and watched the movie and my back was pretty bad. It never healed it ended my cricket playing and from that day onwards I was never able to do any heavy exercise at all.
Twenty Three years later.
Lions they are beautiful creatures. From about a month old they roll around, biting each other without hurting each other and practice a fight and then they look at how their parents plan and catch a prey. The best part of their hunting technique is they don’t go run around the prey forever they plan and go slowly in hiding and when the moment is right it is one quick burst of energy which they focus on one animal and nothing else. They only eat what they need and then walk away. The key part is they don’t continuously practice or do exercise to get into any shape they preserve their energy as much as possible. So when they live they live a very healthy life. They are strong, agile and incredibly sensitive.
As usual I was sitting at home on the couch watching National Geographic, learning more about places and animals. But my girlfriend on the other side watching some DVD and doing all kind of moves. Till that day she used to go for jogging. To say in another way she run like a mad dog chasing her. As I saw her doing things no human will ever attempt I went there and asked “Honey, what the hell are you doing?”
She gave me this stare that took me about three steps back then in heavy breaths she said
“Insanity workout.” She continued without saying much.
I stood there with my left hand on my right armpit and the right hand on my chin for like ten minutes and spontaneously I said
“This is the first time I am seeing someone working out to become insane.” She gave a second stare and I ran to the couch and continued my learning process.
I felt hungry and went slowly to the kitchen to see if anything I can quickly steal. I acted like a Lion slowly, steadily, smelling and without noise opening drawers and cupboards.There I found it.. Oreo cookies I said in my mind “aha, she should not see me eating” I took one then two then another and came to the couch. The place I am sitting was not visible for her from where she was doing her workout to become insane.
Gnawing on the sweetest part of the Oreo I sat there and watched the Lions playing, then hunting and eating then sleeping. Then came the big Lion, one male for twelve females. I said in my mind “Lucky bastard.” Then I said aloud “aha” as he started his sex ritual around the females. “Lion Porn” I accidentally said aloud with a cookie in my mouth, so the sound came out a bit blurred.
In the taste of the cookie and Lion action I hadn’t noticed my girl prying on me from behind. She came and sat right beside me and said “Sit here like Kung Fu Panda polishing your belly watching lion sex” I literally jumped from the seat saying “Oh’ you are here”
“Yeah I am here” She looked at me, this time, a bit more compassionately. I sat beside her and told “I am sorry, I was trying to be funny with what I said about your workout” she smiled and asked “Why don’t you do something?” I told “Honey, it is not easy for me as I once fell down from a moped and injured my back.”
She put her hand on my mouth as if to stop me from saying anything further and said “I am sorry” and got up and walked away. I sat there with a guilty feeling of eating cookies when she did a workout anyone who sees will go insane. I said in my mind “Poor thing, what all people do to get healthy and better looking”
I got up and went to her who by that time was topless. She asked “What, the lions turned you on badly?”
I said ”naaa I have this thought that came to my mind” I gasped a bit as she really was turning me on. I said in my mind “Control , control” and told her “See, look at those Lions, they don’t do any workout, they eat 60 pounds of meat in one sitting and sleep. They preserve their energy, you are blowing your ass off and see now sweat is dripping off your tits” she by this time took a towel and wrapped around her I continued “You look incredibly beautiful and if beauty is what you want to enhance I don’t know if this is the way you should get it”
She smiled on her way to the shower and said “Look Riaz I am doing what makes me comfortable and give me a feeling of fulfillment. I know you like me in whatever shape I am in. Don’t worry I like you whatever shape you are in. I just said that you should do something because I thought it will be good for you. Don’t worry dear.”
She closed the door of the bathroom and I went back to NatGeo and other channels. Unfortunately by the time she came back I was watching Game Of Thrones on HBO exactly when the Red Priestess with Stannis Baratheon on the war planning table butt naked. She screamed “You horny, porny” I laughed and said “It is Game Of Thrones.” She laughed and said “Okay, okay, looks like she need at least a thong in your Game Of Thongs”
I laughed and asked “What honey, the Red Priestess is turning you on?”
“Red Priestess my ass” she said with a crossed voice while tying her shoes. I went near her and asked “Where are you going?” she did not look at me she just said “Trying to find a Red Priest” In my laughs I said “If it is a brown one I can arrange that.” She got up and said “Stop the horny talks and tell me are you going to drive me to my friend’s place?” I got up and said “Sure”.
We did not speak much as I was on the phone with another friend all the time I drove. Once I dropped her I went to the river walk and I got a tea and sat beside the river watching the water slowly flowing and the sky changing colors, waiting for her call. Then I took the birthday card from my pocket which I want to give her at midnight and wrote,
“Oh’ God never you wanted me to be silent, And in wishing her your blessing never will I be silent. For there are wonders in universe you created, As for her the greatest blessing you created, Was the heart beat of mine that prays, For her well being with every beat. May my heart beat for a hundred years more, In prayers for the one darling you blessed me with. And that one darling is you my dear.. Happy Birthday.”
A thought came to my mind, should I wait for her here or go home and text her to take a cab then I told myself “I can wait a thousand years where she want me to wait, no matter what insanity she brings to me” I smiled and leaned back on my chair.
I missed at least five cars from crashing on to my car in the morning drive. I checked the way I am driving and I was pretty sure I was driving like a granny. Still a lot of people were in a hurry. That was an adventure to reach the office. When I was about to get into the office I saw one of my colleague coming into the office. She looked all in gloom. Believe me normally she is a very pleasant lady. In her early 20s Michelle is one of the most prolific characters I have met in my life. So while on our way to the elevator I asked her,
“Are you okay Michelle? You look gloomy on this very pleasant morning outside”
She looked at me and said “Riaz, it is a long, long story” I told her the normal thing I tell people who use those words “Give me the shorter version first.” Without a smile she looked at me and I saw her almost ready to burst into tears.
She said “My boyfriend moved out with his ex and took the kid too?” I raised both my eyebrows and asked “He took your kid?” She said “No it is not my kid, it is his kid with his ex, she was in jail and now got out on parole, he moved with her taking the kid”.
I stood there looking at her and the elevators opened and closed couple of times. I went to the elevator signal button and pressed the up arrow again and turned to her and said. “Life can be bitchy at times.. but in this case, understand the mother who gave birth to the kid” I stopped speaking and looked at Michelle for like half a minute.
The breaking silence Michelle asked “Is there anything more you want to say?” She said it as if she wanted me to unload all my thoughts on her and move on. The tone was that strong.
I went near to Michelle and said “See there are many choices and ways to live life, one is like this elevator, when you get into it there will be others pressing their floors and what you do is, wait for them to get down and others to get in until you reach your destination.” I paused and Michelle all this time was looking directly into my eyes almost all stunned without even blinking, I continued “Then there is a choice in it all…. Take the stairs”
She looked at me and smiled and turned and walked to the door to the stairs while she was opening the door she turned around and smiled at me and bowed her head a bit.
I smiled right back at her saying nothing more as I know the meaning of that bow of thankfulness and felt a sizzle in my heart, the ones I feel when I make another person smile, even when they are struggling with pain of the worst kind.
The rhythms of a day well played by millions of unknown factors then billions of people in consciousness and unconsciousness. Walker woke up cursing at a Sun who did no crime still when sun hits you right on the face, it is very irritating. That irritation was very well felt on his face and eventually he got up and sat there and in his yawns he asked “What the hell is going on out there?”
He knows the answer, nothing special for him. The world work in a way far beyond his thought processes or the world is way behind his thought processes. Either way he never lived in a period of time which took him as is. So he never cared what the world think about him or spoke about him All his friends or people who know him don’t speak to him any more as his ways and speech and everything evolved into something that deals with the whole universe rather than a person or an event. Walker always spoke whatever that came to his mind. He never kept quiet and because of that for most of the people who know him he became an annoying, outspoken nuisance. Walker is alone, he sleeps alone, he eats alone, he laughs alone and he cries alone.
Other than his parents and close relatives no one really loved him He never let anyone love him. He loved people for reasons he himself didn’t know. He is no longer a talented person; he cannot finish anything he starts. One can list a million more deficiencies in him. But before listing any more one should ask a question, why did he become who he is? The once charming poet who can write about almost any event through the eyes of romance, a hard working computer programmer and the untiring man who cared for everyone’s welfare with charity, a man who made millions smile and was left with nothing but a drop of tear he sheds every morning and another before he sleeps. Why does he sheds a tear and never smiles to anyone?
Time and space and a lot of things in between at different times asked those “why” questions and got their tongue twisted and became silent in front of him. As it was his love for a girl half of his age that made him a living dreamer. A dream-walker is Mr. Walker. Walker lost his touch with all that he was as a poet, short story writer, and poetry show host when he yearned for the constant communication of a girl. He believed from the depths of his heart the purity of love. In that love he didn’t need to be with anyone love will bind souls together even from a long distance. He never met the girl in real life and that is the mystery that boggled the minds of all who came in touch with him. Seeing this many said “He is pathetically insane” however that’s what Walker is. Whatever mere success he had as a writer gave him enough to invest that gave him a comfortable income. He took what he needed to live and rest he gave away to orphanages. Though they don’t know who paid for their food when those orphans thanked God for what they got, God in turn helped him sleep in peace. Walker never bothered anyone or let anyone bother him. Even time may not know that this guy exist anymore. That’s how isolated he was. That day was born with something very unusual happening around him which he did not noticed at all.
There was a flower basket left for him in front of his house. He opened the door as he saw the pretty flowers and took it and took the note with it which was blank. He stood there for sometime looked left and right, then up and down, looked ahead and behind, of course found the door behind him and he got back into the house. He put the flower basket on the round dinning table and looked at it moving around it for a while. Then after many, many years he smiled again. His smile brightened the whole house but nothing noticed those eyes filling up when he smiled.
He went to the bathroom like someone who knows what is going to happen next. Walker always took an extra half an hour to finish his bathroom formalities and when he came out, without even looking into the living room he waved as if instructing someone to sit down.
In about ten minutes he came out of his bedroom and looked at her. The world knew her as Adriana Ebenhardt, The great actress, the fantastic dancer and the incredible singer all that makes her literally the queen of the world, was standing in front of him. While sitting down in his chair he once more pointed to her to sit down. She sat looking at him without a smile. He didn’t speak anything for a minute or two. Then she broke the silence.
“You don’t seem surprised to see me.”
He laughed and said, “Those flowers were not able to hold to their silence”. Walker got up and looked at her and asked “What about some tea?”
She raised herself and told “I don’t mind, hope you write a poem about it too.”
Walked laughed again and said, “My hands pains these days when typing and writing.”
He turned to her and said “That’s for the writing request, as for the embedded sarcasm. Fuck you.”
Adriana laughed and said, “The same old, same old man.”
Walker laughed along and said “Aha I never changed I always told you I will never change” By that time they both slowly walked to the kitchen side and he took two cups out of the cupboard and took a container of Chinese Oolong Tea. Put half a tea spoon of tea into each cup and turned the hot water tap of the coffee maker on and poured hot water into the tea. Then he asked, “Honey or sugar?”
She smiled and said “Both sweet but I will have honey.
Walker prepared the tea quietly all that time Adriana was looking at him in some deep thoughts. Walker also was in some thoughts when he mechanically prepared the tea and with care stretched the cup and saucer to her saying “It is hot”
He also took a big piece of cake and cut it into small pieces and put them on a plate and took his cup and walked towards her who by this time had reached the love seat where she was sitting before.
When she turned around she saw him placing the plate with cakes on the coffee table.
“That was not needed; I don’t eat too much sweet stuff”
Walker sat on his single chair and said, “I eat sweet stuff” and he took a piece of cake and took a bite.
Adriana looked at Walker and got up from the love seat and came near him and said, “I want to help you”
He sat there and said “Do not make me say things you don’t want to hear and I don’t want to say” His eyes shined like brown crystals and he rose and said “Maintain a three feet gap between us all the time”
He looked at her and said “I know you will come one day to me. But for all these years I was waiting to ask you why?”
She looked him with anger and said “I did not asked you to wait Walker, I wanted you to succeed and you never acknowledged there is a world that exists around you.”
She stopped as she saw him taking a sip of tea with a smile. Then she said “Well you didn’t care what anyone ever told you. Always it is either your way or all are fast riding the highway.”
Walker was watching her speak with all her intensity then he raised his index finger as if to show her to stop speaking, she stopped.
Walker said “I had a reason to be in touch with you and that reason was not writing or reading. That reason was your love for me” The moment Adriana heard what Walker said she shouted “Stop, please stop, you are hallucinating”
Walker interrupting her said “Hallucinating? Grammy awards, Golden Globe awards, Oscar awards, Emmy awards and above all the greatest humanitarian award the Nobel Peace Prize you won them all. You are the queen of the world and why are you here in the simple house of a lonely man? Am I your new charity case then? I don’t think so honey, I felt that love from deep within you for years. Like I said in one of my writings,
“A candle once lit by me in your heart,
A candle impossible for me to put off,
A candle that shines bright and gives me warmth,
And that candle is the love of yours”
“You don’t come to my home and dictate to me that you don’t love me Adriana. The greatest tragedy of my life is you not accepting the fact that you love me.” Adriana tried to interrupt and by that time Walker stood up and said in a bold voice, “You will let me finish and I will listen to all that you want to say” Adriana looked at his eyes and stopped her try.
“I have known it all for years I knew what was going on. But your ambition was mightier than your love. You were dating lousy, stupid, mongrels, cheap jacks and anyone else you wanted, for what? To drain that burn you feel in your soul. And you failed dear and you failed much more miserably than all the success you achieved. I admire your will that gives you sanity.”
Walker took a step towards the window which, by that time was covered with falling rain. Adriana knew that Walker was not done speaking so she kept quiet watching him and listening to him.
“You would have never come to me if you did something I yearned all these time. Once a week or once a month or once a year a sentence that said you cared for me at least virtually. You did not do that because all you cared were the so called protectors, friends, coworkers…”
Walker stopped and looked at her and asked in a louder voice “Where are all of them? Now known to the world as the prettiest thing ever known to humanity, known to even fetuses in the wombs, don’t you feel lonely? It is that loneliness all these years that consumed me, when I knew all the time you love me more than anyone ever loved anything.”
Adriana sat in the chair where Walker sat earlier motionless. Walker continued…
“See, when one achieves the world one will lose the soul and I admire you holding on to something none else would have cared to hold on to. There is a reality in front of you and I am not part of that reality. I might have written hundreds of poems and stories with you in mind. But the reality is who you are and what you are. I never yearned for fame or money. Once I got what I needed in the matter of survival I quit everything. I don’t need any help from you for anything. I thank you in the most humble way for the offer whatever that was there in your mind, I don’t need it.”
Adriana got up and was emotionless and said nothing. She was about to walk out and Walker said
“I need your help” She turned to him and asked “After all that you said, do you still think I can help you?”
Walker smiled and said “Adriana, long time back very long time back when you were like 15 years old I told you something, I will remind you of that again. I said, life goes through cycles and you should learn from the current cycle how things will happen to you. Life happens to people in different ways, there are no commonalities in that. What is there is what repeats in your life. Are you forgetting one factor that repeated in your life? Think, that one factor is me after your mother. Fortunately or unfortunately I don’t know. I agree it was all virtual but either you came to me or I came to you we both were there in each other’s cycle of life. That’s a reality you shut your eyes to. And as there was a long gap between us in age, looks and our outlook to life, I myself didn’t wanted to be a disturbance in your life. Still when the cycle happens there you are.”
Adriana really frowned by this time and asked “Walker, are you hearing yourself?”
Walker laughed and said “Well all these years I was the only one hearing myself” he laughed out loud and holding on to his knees he bended over, which made even Adriana laugh, seeing a big bellied man laughing and his big belly bouncing up and down.
Walker got up and said “I am not asking for money or anything like that”
Adriana came close to Walker and asked “What is it you want Walker?”
Walker walked to the curio shelf and from there he took the picture of a beautiful young girl. He walked close to Adriana and told “Look” he then stretched the picture to Adriana.
She took the picture and looked at it and asked him “What is this?”
“You don’t need to know who that is, I need you to help her.” Walker turned around and walked to the kitchen again. Then as if he remembered something he turned and told Adriana “What I am about to ask you will be impossible for you to do”
Adriana walked towards Walker and said “Don’t say it”
Walker spoke clearly, slowly “How long you want me to resist the love of this girl?” Walker held the hands of Adriana for the first time in his life and said “Look, this is life, isn’t it the worst bitch we both ever dealt with? If all that we wanted were delivered to us in the way we wanted there would be no fun in life. We will be bored and we will die fast isn’t it? You achieved everything you wanted but even the very first moment when you stepped towards the theater career I said, here she starts to lose me forever”
Adriana by that time started crying. He held her and said. “I will never stop loving you and you know I can never stop loving you and I know you can never stop loving me. You know who proved that to me? The girl in the picture you just saw.”
Adriana pressed his hands and asked “Am I stopping you from loving another girl?”
Walker said “Yes, the very first time you blessed me, I was indebted to you, it bound my soul to yours and as long as I am bound to you I cannot love another girl.” He took a deep breath and continued, “You need to let me go. You don’t owe me anything. I owe you another life time of love. But your paths was different than mine. That’s what life is, people taking different paths. As for me, from that one blessing when you said ‘I give you all of my luck.’ I became part of your luck and misfortune.” Walker took his hand away from the grip of Adriana and touched her face in his hands as if holding a little child and said, “You have to do this for me as when you were achieving all that you wanted someone was looking at me, someone was loving me and still is loving me unconditionally” Walker’s voice broke a bit when he finished
Adriana looked at him and said “I understand what you mean. You belong to her Walker. Like I once said Walker, you deserve to be happy more than anyone else.” Adriana put both her hands on her chest then raised them to her eyes and touched her eyes and then put the fingers on her lips and kissed her hand and placed both her hands on his lips and walked out of the door.
Walker stood there for a long time and the shape of Adriana was felt all around him and he was not able to move even a finger as in the depth of his soul he felt the unbinding of something that had for so long bound him to Adriana. Though Adriana held all the purity any woman can posses and through her compassion, proven to him and the world there exist no other girl like her, Walker was just not able to accept such high level of sophistication in his life. Walker always lived his life through the simple side of life. He never wished for anything as he only took what he needed. Adriana filled every want of him and wishes of him but she never did anything for him to make him feel the need for her in his life. Walker slowly went and took the picture Adriana left on the side table, the picture he took from the curio and shown her. None ever asked why he kept the picture of that girl there as it was the image of Adriana.
The front door opened and came in a beautiful girl, she had the silhouette of Adriana but her simplicity in appearance and the ever smiling face stood out. She held all the sweetness of Adriana but she did not carry the sophistication of Adriana. Her soul well felt to anyone who looked at her like she is someone who will for care even the miniscule creature with utmost care and will be a blessing to anyone who comes in contact with her. She carried the purity, sanctity and sincerity of Adriana which Adriana once possessed, which for her ambitions Adriana left aside. She indeed is the pure form of Adriana which she took for real after years of exile from herself. She asked “Walks what’s up? You are standing like a deer in the head lights.”
She looked at him in confusion and hiding what she felt she said “I love those flowers Walker” She looked at the flowers for some time. And all this time Walker without even looking at her stood there silently. She came close to Walker and took his hands.
Then Walker looked at her in her eyes and said “Samantha I belong to you now.”
(Special Thanks to Don Martin for taking time to read, analyze and editing this story..)
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