no mentions, I guess my friend forgot about our plans tomorrow. oh well

Kaly introduced me to Yiruma, and I love all his music, especially this song, it expresses how I feel right now

Lists of things to bring to college: (you can give me more suggestions!)

1. umbrella
2. bath towel
3. slippers
4. laundry bag
5. soap
6. nail clipper
7. first aid kit
8. camera
9. MP4, USB cords
10. Cellphone
11. Laptop
12. spoons/fork/knives
13. glasses/mugs/plates
14. bottle/can opener
15. hot pot/water warmer
16. Light bulbs for Lamp
17. Tissue
18. Chapstick
19. Vaseline
20. Conditioner/Shampoo
21. Some beauty masks
22. Hot oil for Hot oil heating
23. Surge Protector
24. Pictures of family
25. tape
26. Q tips
27. Glasses/Contact Lenses
28. Tweezer
29. Sewing Kit
30. Calculator
31. Thesaurus
32. Pens/Pencils
33. Ruler
34. Scissors
35. White out
36. rubber bands, Scrunchies
37. my cool scarves
38. My hot ass hats
39. my trench coat
40. my puffer jacket
41. Stamps/letter
42. Paper Clips
43. Stapler
44. Summer Common Reading book TBWLOSW
45. Hangers
46. deen fan bow Rice Cooker (small packs of ramen)

so today I was having trouble listing out black stereotypes during my acting scene in Bustin' out

soo who better to go to then kevjumba video? haha

yeah so, also need to work on crying scenes, omgg Performing Arts is hard

because every little one mistake you have to put the same energy and same

lines over and over again.

Today I got "punched in the face" 20 times man

and "cried" at least 3 times, I got so into crying that I felt a moment of sudden sadness like the end of the world!

so I feel very heldback from talking about my feelings. I am an social animal, that likes to be around people. Friends are drifting away and it's the summer before everyone goes to college. I find myself having struggles choosing between making effort to keep my good friends or just go with the flow. It's like nice to have a couple of real friends in your life but wouldn't making an effort be kind of "trying to hard"? and then it would become like a burden or ingenuine?

I had a best friend once whom I don't talk to anymore. I still hesitate very much if I should contact her. Like it's the reciprocal kind of shit, that I don't get. I feel that I put effort in hanging out with her, until I knew I was the only one doing it, so i stoped, and she didn't care.

I always value friendship a lot because as a kid that grew up with single parent family and no siblings friends were my next big family. But when I mature I realize friends are not forever, I learned it the hard way from experiences.

Okay this other thing, has nothing to really do with friends. So there's a birthday party on sunday that I really want to go but I made myself committed to go to Church every sunday for the remaining summer before I head to hk. But I can't decide because I love karaoking. DAMN

What makes it harder for me these days, is that there's no right or wrong when making a decision there's always two ways to one situation. And the more neutral I am, the more I feel like i'm not on a side of good or bad.

Ok, so like per se, example: My mom, The most important person in my life (corny I know). She is working in Foxwood but she lately told me my step dad's plan to move to Florida so she can make more dough. I love her and everything but sometimes it's just so annoying that she is so unsettling, she had switched from millions of jobs, and moved so many times, and divorced. She never plans ahead, and I never know what is going to happen, and like I end up sharing her consequences. I don't feel like I have a home, I am always moving. The material things I own right now, I cannot bring with me to college, and my mom cannot take that much into her new apt. I'm just sad to leave my stuff toys and shoes and misc stuff behind.

 I completely exploded to today when she told me she wanted to go to Florida, because she havent even settle in connecticut yet and she's moving again. Like she's really bothering me, and I can't do anything about it but tell her not to go. I am throwing about half of the stuff I own, and if we move to Florida I am throwing Half of Half of the stuff I own, that is like nothing left. I dunno if it's right to yell at my mom and tell her what to do with her life, I apologize but I feel so disrespectful.

Oh, and I wish she would come home sooner because I can't stand my so cal l grandma (relative) anymore. My grandma is coming home later and later and her cooking is getting worse and worse. Today I had to cook for myself, and she did nothing but eat my stuff, take up my living room, and sleep. She is very greedy, and annoying she always keeps food until it is expired and grows moles. And now she is lazier and lazier and my kitchen is filled with flying cochroaches. I am pissed that she is always telling me every dollar she used on food, like I don't care that you spent a dollar on cabbage everyday, but there's no unrude way to say you are annoying and I don't care, and u should stfu. and I dislike how she digs up the garbage everytime she comes home to see what I ate, or what I threw away. one time I threw away like my St Ives lotion that has nothing left. She picks it up there's me there's something left and she keeps it still NOW, unused. She turns my house into a garbage dump, she has jars, scraps of fabric, other crap that she picks up from ppl that don't want. and I hate how she uses my beautiful Japanese String of Lantern has her clothes hanger. I act like I love her in front of my mom to make her angry because like my mom hates her. I don't think I have a choice though, I know I am very mean to say all these nasty things, but come on, if u don't like someone, u can say a lot of mean things. yeah I don't have a choice because either she lives with me or I live alone. She is so CHEAP, I can't stand it anymore, she practically makes like 1000+/month and she sends all the money to her sons in China, she is like raising a whole village. I also can't stand the fact that she puts veggies on the fridge for so long that it's inedible and she gets angry when u throw it out, Hello women, you should have cooked it long ago. And her cooking is so salty, either it's too salty or too oily. and Most of the reason why she doesn't cook better is because she doesn't want to miss her tv shows at 8:30 or she is too lazy. Like she always ask if me if it's okay to not put shrimp cause I have to defrost and peel it. Oh and u know what is even more annoying? She showers right after she finish cooking dinner so she can watch her tv. And I can even top that, she washes her clothes while she showers! so she can save money because our rent includes water fees. And she uses the bathroom right when u need to go, and like I am brushing my teeth she runs in asks I need to pee, and just runs into me without letting me get out first (my bathroom is small). She asks the dumbest questions too, and the worse part is that there is no worse part, she keeps asking more questions after you answer her questions, and sometimes she asks you to repeat your answer because she wants to confirm, even tho she heard very clearly what u said the first time. She is a one cunning old hag, that pretends to be poor and pitiful, I don't like her eyes, you can tell a lot from looking at a person's eyes. Her eyes always look like she's always calculating.

oh yeah and she sleeps like a pig, Snores like thunder, once she sleeps she can't wake up even if I sing mad loud. Every night she falls asleep sitting down watching the t.v. and many times I would just wake her up but a "normal person" would just go to sleep but she goes back to watching tv, and laughs that she always fall asleep watching tv. I don't get how the fuck she can fall asleep sitting down with her eyes closed, I mean she must be very tired to do that, and why the hell does she not sleep but continues to watch tv and do the whole process again and again.

Another decision I don't know if I should tell my mom to divorce my stepdad or not. I hate him so much, but i'm being a total bitch by ruining her relationship with her husband whom I hate so much. So, I think so , yeah divorce that rude selfish manipulating asshole. yes thank you please.

oh yeah time to call my dad.  he lives in LA, there is 3 hr difference.

During Sunday Classes, they taught me how to control yourself from liking somebody. Risa, our group leader told us her friend once made a prayer to god to not let  herself like any handsome and smart boys that is non christian.

Result: 10 years of no sex, and no boyfriends.

Risa told me I can make such a prayer, hahaha no thx q. 10 yrs is too long, don't you think?