It's always something...

So the other night I was enjoying the nice evening with my roomie, having a few drinks, and talking about anything and everything.  We were talking about how our lives would have been if we had done things differently when we were younger, past relationships, etc, and it came down to "it's always something". 

For example, if we had went to different high schools & colleges, where we would have ended up might have been better or worse.  But then we wouldn't have made the friends we did, heck we might not have even met each other.  Then what?  It's always something. 

If we hadn't skipped out on so much school, given our parents heart attacks, and stayed out all night- things would have been different.  But we might not be who we are today, and we kinda like who we are.  It's always something.

Thinking we had met "the one" and him turning out to be a complete jerk.  Dating the guy who really wasn't the one, but could have been if he did this or was more that.  Being with the person who makes you the most happy, but if only he would do this more or less of that.  It's always something.

But when that "something" turns into nothing, then what?  What if there wasn't that "something"- would we know how to recognize that as a good thing?  Or turn that nothing into something, just so we would have an excuse?  I always hear about people in relationships who turn small things into big things, but there's never really a just cause. 

I think people are so used to being disappointed that they find & look for flaws, so that they can justify being disappointed later.  When will we ever learn to just be content with who/what we have?  Is being content enough?  Can contentment turn into happiness?  I'll let you know if it ever happens for me.  lol.

Ugh!...

Now I remember why sometimes I hated Xanga... it eats my entries!  I had written this beautiful poetic piece about believing in yourself and all that good stuff and then magically it went *poof!  and disappeared into the Xanga garbage can.  Ahhh... gotta love it when some things don't change.

Decisions..

I've never been much of an extrovert, I prefer to be behind the scenes- not causing them.  I'm not much of a push-over, but I am a pretty passive person until you really piss me off.  I can give a tongue lashing that Al Sharpton would be proud of, but I digress.  What I'm really trying to get at is that for most of my life, I've been more of a "go with the flow" type, and I usually let things go.  But at some point you realize that you have to make a stand and start making decisions for yourself.

My brother is finally doing something productive with his life, and I've never been more proud of him.  He has always taken a back seat in life and let things happen to him, or things done for him.  While I'm very envious of the fact that his life pretty much gets handed to him on a silver platter, I have to thank him for making me who I am today.  I guess you can say it's like reverse psychology.  I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't be like him in any aspect, and if any one knew both of us- we are complete opposites in every way possible.  My family has always taken care of him, while I've been busting my butt since an early age to take care of myself.  I chose to start my independence early while my brother is just getting the gist of it now.

He'll be graduating tomorrow, and my whole family will be there to show their support.  While I commend him for his actions, dedication, and perseverence to get somewhere, I can't help but think about how I've been stagnant for a while.  His life is finally picking up and mine has plateaued (sp?) for quite some time.  I guess you could say after all the years of running upwards on a downward escalator, I've finally taken a seat and rode it all the way back down.  I have no idea where my drive went, and what it'll take for me to get it back.  I'm not even sure if I was ever the person that my friends have made me out to be.  Maybe all these years I was just pretending to put on a solid strong facade, but in reality I knew there was a countdown to when it would all come crumbling down.

All I know is that in the face of my brother's accomplishments and steps towards  the right direction, it's time for me to step up too.  I guess after all these years of fighting against him, it's only fitting that I have my brother to thank for putting my life back into perspective.  So Thank You. 

Why oh why??

As I'm sitting here sipping my fresh cup of coffee.. (yum!), I keep thinking about my past and thinking about any regrets.  Of course there are the usual "I should have never listened to my mom about this hair cut", and the "omg what was I thinking when I bought those clothes", but the regrets from before teenage years are defaults.  We didn't have a say in those, our parent(s) made those choices for us, hence most of us are either in therapy or need to be.

I'm talking about the ones we consciously make about our lives.  Picking the wrong major, the wrong boy/girl, the wrong job, the wrong friends, etc.  I think my one biggest regret was constantly angering/disappointing my mother when I was going through my "adjustment teenage" years.  If only I could take back half the things I put her through, I would gladly do it at the drop of a dime.  When I look back on it now, I have no idea what possessed me to choose to stay out til 7am chilling at a pool hall instead of just going home to my bed.  I don't know why I picked fights with her about nothing, why I rather stay away from home for 4 days at a time and then eventually going home when my clothes were starting to stink.  My only answer is that I was young and stupid.

Don't get me wrong, I made a lot of friends during my teenage years, a few that are still very near & dear to my heart today- but it breaks my heart to know how much I hurt my mom just by being me.  At one point my friends were my life and I truly believed that they were more important to me than my own family.  I kind of still feel that way, but I've learned how to differentiate between the love and loyalty for my friends, and the devotion to my family.  We all know we didn't have a choice in our family, you're kind of born into it and that's that.  Over the years, I've learned to accept that my family isn't perfect (not sure about any of your's), and that they make mistakes.  Instead of being a hot-headed child, I just choose to tune it out now.  I finally realized after about oh... twenty some odd years of trial and error that I can choose to ignore the things I don't like, and still accept the things I do like.  Who would've thunk it?  20+ yrs of tears and profanity to only conclude that I have a choice.  Ha!

Maybe that's what this whole epiphany feeling is about, knowing that I have a choice in my own life.  That I don't have to keep walking down the deserted path of wrong decisions, and start making the decisions I want for myself.  ... Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, making mistakes is what makes life so interesting right?

Holy smokes...

Wow, I haven't written on Xanga in so long, I didn't even know where to go to write an entry, lol.

It's been a very long time, but with recent events I felt like I should probably start this up again.  I doubt anyone I know is still on this site, but Xanga is great for venting and writing random thoughts that flow through your mind.

Two weeks ago marked the anniversary of a dear friend who passed away, and every time it comes around this time- I'm very saddened by the fact.  He was a great person, so full of life and love, that it makes the loss even worse at such a young age.  It makes me think about how unfair life is at times, that those who deserve to be with the living are not, and those that do not deserve to live, are thriving.  I understand the concept about "circle of life" but it doesn't make it any easier when you have jerks and assholes running around, while good people are taken away from us.  I get it, it was "his time", but what about for the rest of us?  The people who aren't ready to let him go?  Maybe this seems very selfish, to keep those you love around you as long as you can, but honestly- who would rather have someone they hate, instead of someone they love?  Though I've accepted my friend's abrupt departure, I'll never truly be over it.  I love you P, and hopefully one day we'll meet again.

With the sad stuff out of the way, how u doin!?  lol.  My life is a constant struggle, but usually only within myself.  Most of the time I'm just walking around confused, hoping the answer will fall into my lap one day.  I try not to re-think decisions I've made because in the end, you only have yourself to blame. (name that tune! lol).  Not saying that all my decisions are regrettable (sp?), but I don't think I"m the only person who doubts themselves.  I try to take it day by day, but sometimes you get so caught up in the trivial daily things that you forget about the bigger picture.  Right now, my big picture gets blurrier by the moment.  What about your's?  Is it still as clear as the day you dreamt it?  Mine is like an unfinished Monet painting, a series of dots in colors that don't really make sense up close- can only be admired from afar.  Does that mean that I'm only a dreamer, and can never actually achieve what I set out to do?  Because when I get too close to it, it no longer makes sense.   Hmm, maybe I'm not making any sense now, lol. 

Wow, what a long winded over due entry... hopefully I can be as productive tomorrow, haha.