sarajane's Xanga

single = it's complicated

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:40:07 GMT

i've always wanted to state on my facebook profile that it's complicated being single, but i can't, so here it is on xanga. at this time of my life, i dunno if i'm single by choice or by providence; perhaps the choice is borne out of providence.

it's kinda like there's a party that you'd wanna go to, but you can't attend; and the host, knowing that you can't attend, doesn't invite you. though you know you'd decline an invitation to said party, you still want affirmation that your presence was sought, so you feel miffed by the absence of said invitation. this assumes, of course, that there is a host who would even want me to be the guest of honor, let alone put me on his guest list.

single people wonder if they'll be single forever and if not, how much longer they're to fly solo. married people enjoy being married but tell single people to enjoy it and how they miss it sometimes. so the cliche that gets thrown around is "the grass is greener on the other side"; methinks lately though to say, "the grass is green on either side", would be more accurate.

being single is especially complicated when the subject is going on missions for a year in less then three months...so yeah, i'm single by provichoice? choicidence?

tentative wr route for the october 2008 squad:

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:40:15 GMT

we launch from the city of angels, california on september 28, 2008. then we're off to:

the philippines - october
china - november
kenya - december
uganda - january
ethiopia - february
india - march
romania - april
serbia/bosnia - may
mexico - june
nicaragua/guatemala - july/august

it's roughly 12 countries in 11 months. and of course, this itinerary is subject to change...but, goll-eeee, this sure is exciting!!!

&amp;lt;br /&amp;gt;&amp;lt;small&amp;gt;&amp;lt;a target="_new" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255); text-align: left;" href="http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF8&amp;amp;amp;hl=en&amp;amp;amp;msa=0&amp;amp;amp;msid=111073426063747794068.00044fc0a7144346417e1&amp;amp;amp;ll=21.289374,9.140625&amp;amp;amp;spn=141.477745,281.25&amp;amp;amp;z=1&amp;amp;amp;source=embed"&amp;gt;View Larger Map&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;&amp;lt;/small&amp;gt;

the irony of working with kids/tweens/teens

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 23:52:25 GMT

is that it makes me - the twenty-something college graduate/yuppie who looks like a middle-school student - feel old.
is that it sucked out of me most, if not all, of my desires to bear/raise children.

i feel like i might've said this already. but this extended weekend in the historic triangle of the commonwealth of virginia hit that nail even harder. and i apologize if this is something i shouldn't really say...but this trip also further confirmed how utterly underpaid the director and assistant director are.

they've been at this for a very long time - perhaps as long as i've been alive - so this "baptism by fire" weekend is "nothing new under the sun" for them. now i'm glad i'll be looking after a group of the youngest girls for the summer program...perhaps they'll restore my hope and "raison d'etre" for working here, hahaha.

there are six weeks in the program, which means there are six "fun" days for the students (not so fun for staff, yay). i'll miss one of them because of ignition training camp for the wr; frankly, after this weekend, i don't think i'll really miss it all that much, haha. and it's providential that ignition training camp precedes ulc's summer camp...perhaps the former will turn me into a g.i. jane for the latter...muahahaha. i enjoyed this weekend overall. i just think i would've enjoyed it even more with fewer, if any, kids.

one thing's for certain: working at ulc has truly been a stark glimpse of how patient and gracious God has been to me. just when i think i've had more than enough, how i just wanna smack 'em upside the head sometimes, how i want to leave them to their own vices and suffer the consequences thereof, or just leave them be... i'm reminded that God doesn't deal with me that way. He loves me a lot. and i remember He loves these kids a lot, too.

it's for my own good that this job so effectively curbs the desire to start a family (in addition to highlighting the benefits of homeschooling)...wanting to "settle down" would make it hard to go on the world race...

(to be continued)

i'm a wannabe word nerd

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 14:32:23 GMT

i arrived home on friday, and watched the scripps national spelling bee that night. i dunno why, but i caught my eyes watering a bit watching this middle schoolers spell their little hearts out - especially when that bell dinged. such a tragic sound.

this, however, was hi-larious:

i'm glad he won! (i'm sorry if that was a spoiler for any of you, which i doubt.)

as i was home, snooping around for my immunization record, i looked through my high school report cards and transcript. [sigh] how i made it as a word nerd in a school full of number nerds...fun times.

yep, it's that time again --

Fri, 30 May 2008 01:41:41 GMT

i'm going home; this weekend is our friend miss song's wedding. i have been looking forward to this for awhile (oh crud, i don't think i ever checked their registries...did they create a bridal registry?)...

and yet, this wave of ambivalence washes over me when i go to, am in, and return from nyc.

i don't know what "home" means anymore.

and why is it that the all the friends with whom i feel "at home" are from different corners and circles, who may move or have moved to other corners and circles...

in about four months, i'll be leaving not one but two homes...and who knows where He'll take me after all those months of coming and going.

i dunno which i prefer: being the one left behind, or being the one who leaves. somehow it all ends up being the same -- both suck.

God...is all this to drill in me that we are but sojourning ambassadors of a homeland i've never been? this is a hard lesson for me to learn...

there are places i remember
all my life, though some have changed,
some forever, not for better,
some have gone, and some remain,
all these places have their moments,
with lovers and friends i still can recall,
some are dead and some are living,
in my life, i've loved them all
- "in my life" by the beatles

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thu, 29 May 2008 14:34:54 GMT

methinks there's still a glitch in this rss thingamabobby.

and...i woke up at 6 a.m. i consider that no small miracle. okay. maybe just a small miracle. but if you know me, that is indeed no small feat.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Fri, 23 May 2008 18:49:38 GMT

something's a bit awry with the rss feed on this thing...it's not possible that i've gotten over a 100 visits this week, most of them from virginia...hmmm.

anyhow.

so, for the world race, each of us needs to raise $13,800.

by july, i am supposed to have $4,500 in my account; but as of today, there's $5,010 (including my deposit) there. praise the Lord!!!

i'd love to meet the final target by September; let me know if you'd be interested in partnering with me!

www.theworldrace.org

for burma / zimbabwe

Mon, 12 May 2008 00:27:04 GMT

habakkuk, chapter 1 (english standard version):

habakkuk cries out,

"o LORD, how long shall i cry for help, and You will not hear? or cry to you "violence!" and You will not save? why do You make me see iniquity, and why do You idly look at wrong? destruction and violence are before me; strife and contention arise. so the law is paralyzed, and justice never goes forth. for the wicked surround the righteous; so justice goes forth perverted."

and God responds,

"look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. for I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told."

then in chapter 3 (new living translation):

habakkuk prays:

"i have heard all about You, Lord. i am filled with awe by Your amazing works. in this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by. and in your anger, remember Your mercy."

heavenly Father, i wonder the same things as he did; i echo his prayer, too.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Fri, 02 May 2008 10:29:41 GMT

gaaaah, $18 to see derek webb last night was such a steal. if last night's show were the last concert i'd ever attend, i would be content with that.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:26:30 GMT

this xangazon feature is a bit flawed; it fails to cite that the album i am currently listening to is by andy davis. i got to soak in his goodness when he opened for dave barnes last friday in annapolis.

i really dig these tracks:

earth and venus
brown eyes
spade a spade
good life
beautiful day for bad news

listening to songs like these is one of those "ooooh, it hurts so good" kinda experiences. on the one hand, the lyrics are poignant, witty and the music is catchy and just...so on point, you know?

and yet, it's painful because it reveals these soft, sore spots of my heart; the sections of me that revert to my sappy teen years, and that hope that someone somewhere is thinking of me as he sings along to songs like "earth and venus" and "spade a spade" - perhaps even wishing that he wrote these songs himself.

i can't help it, but as i (re)read the lyrics of "earth and venus", i think maybe God is trying to tell me something...

and I can't get in if you never open up
don't be afraid of love, yeah keep waiting

check out his album at andy davis online.