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| well. plans backfire. life backfires. there is a person in my life that i envy very very much. he doesn't know it. his name is actually eric buckelew. eric is all the things that i want to be and can't. of course i could never tell him this. i'm too proud and...egotistical ? maybe. eric speaks his mind. eric is loud and outgoing and friendly to people. i find myself bound by the fear of what other people think of me. i have a saying that i've always lived with but have recently grown a disliking to. better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. i lived by that for far too long. why do i care about what other people think of me ? i try not to let it happen, but it does happen. do i know who i really am anymore ? i have so many different attitudes, stances, and views that i adapt to depending on who i'm around or who i'm talking to. i try way too hard to try and make everyone like me. i hide myself behind a cloak of lies and misdirection. i try to be flexible in ways that i'm not. i tell people white lies about myself to try and seem more personable. why am i so afraid ? why do i not confide in any of my friends ? why do i act so tough ? i hate myself. i hate this animal that i have become. i don't like sex as much as i sometimes let on. i really don't. i don't like to drink hardly at all, yet i find myself bringing rum and other liquors into the house on numerous occasions. i give in to peer pressure. i give in to any pressure. i'm a million different people from one day to the next. to some people i'm a good boy that doesn't curse and is very christian. to some people i'm a blasphomous potty mouth. to some people i'm just a normal person who doesn't seem to care about much anything. i really like that attitude, but it's not me. i would LOVE to not care about anyone or anything. but i can't do that. i do care. there's nothing in life that i would rather do than focus on nothing but myself. but i can't do that. i care about people, i care about everyone and what they think about me, whether good or bad. i really hate that. my life isn't as peachy and carefree as everyone seems to believe, that's an illusion that i've weaved quite well. i sometimes fool myself into thinking that i'm worry free. i think in a way i came to conway to run away from everything. just try and relax and take things one step at a time. leave everything else behind. that's not the way to handle things. i avoid confrontation whenever possible. i tell people what they want to hear. i've become very good at that. it's really not a very becoming habit. i feel like i'm spiraling downward into nothingness. i need something in my life. i'm missing so much. i don't talk to people because i'm afraid they'll criticize me for what i've said and done. i'm so afraid of criticism. and letting people down. and denial. i'm afraid of a lot. i try to put myself around people are aren't afraid. maybe that's why i respect people who are so confident all the time. because i'm not. i'm really not. i act confident. i think if i act it, i'll become it. sometimes it works, sometimes i just forget about my fears. sometimes i just need to realize that i can't handle everything on my own. i can't be the super man i want to be. i need other people in my life. i need to depend on other people. i need to be able to just say "i can't do this alone" and ask for someone else's help, but i'm too scared they'll tell me no. i'm too scared they'll reject me. i would rather be alone than be rejected by those i want and need around me. i know what i want. i know what i need. i'm too afraid to reach out and take it. i'm afraid of being laughed at. i hate myself. i need some kind of consistency. i need to get everything squared away and get in a rythm in life and just go. if i get bored, which i do quite often, i just need to suck it up and keep going. i can change. but will i ? i'm a million different people from one day to the next. gg andrew.
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| well. basically conway life is decent. i enjoy the people, love livin
with my friends, i've been pretty lazy around but i'm gonna be gettin a
job in...what's it called...game craze for masta stephen. he's coo,
he's gonna put in a good word for eric too. speaking of eric i learned
what a merkin is today. no i won't tell you, look it up for yourself.
and for the record i warned you. the oddest thing is that we learned
this from a youth pastor. long story, don't ask. sorry, i didn't
wanna rant..at all. but i am a bit. just something i've been thinking
about. superficiality ? is that a word. well i mean the act of being
superficial. i'm not single...ing any one person out but the world as
a whole. and i'm gonna use myself as part of the example, because i
know how i think and i won't be butchering someone else's point of
view. the way i see it, girls shouldn't wear make-up. it sends an
extremely false image about what you look like, unless you plan to wear
the make-up 24/7, and then you're just being superficial. not
yourself. not who you were born. people should be happy with who they
were born to be. i do believe that everyone has someone out there
waiting for them. but that's just the point, they're waiting for you.
they won't just magically fall into your lap one day ( well for most of
us ). and it won't be someone that it'll take all the make-up you have
to impress. mind you i'm not a complete anti-make-up extremist. i
don't think it's bad to use it to maybe enhance your features, but i
think we've all seen the girls that paint on a new face every morning.
but it's not just what i like visually. it shows a weak person. if
you're not comfortable to walk out the door every morning as the person
you were born, then how can you be comfortable with any aspect of your
life ? it shows me an extremely weak person with low self-esteem,
regardless of how pretty you are or how confident you act. if you are
confident, then why hide yourself ? i'm gonna repeat this, i don't
think it's wrong to wear a little make-up to enhance, but there's a
difference between enhancing and covering up.
bleh, i'm done
with that. i don't know why it struck me to write about that. just a
random thought that came in my head. in other news. eric and i got
saints row today. we've been unleashing our ghetto side. we're
sporting a purple coat, purple cargo pants, and a platinum earring.
word.
i feel unhealthy really. i think my lack of a good diet
is wearing on me. i really can't remember the last time i ate anything
that's really healthy. i think i had a pickle the other day. is that
healthy ? probably not. but really, it's just the way it's goin. i
take my vitamins everyday though. good for me i think.
i
took a cap full of gem clear earlier. that stuff is hardcore. i kinda
regret doing it, but kinda wanna do it again just for the hell of it.
eric was gonna be gay and take my dr. pepper away from me so i couldn't
chase it, but he gave it back. that stuff hiz-urts. no lie. i'd be
extremely impressed by anyone who could like...drink it like a normal
person drinks tequila.
ok, i'm done, peace out yo. | | |
| blah, i dont' really feel like a xanga post right now, but i need to update semi-regularly, so i'm gonna be a slackass and post some lyrics
My little girl
Where are you?
My fucked up world
Destroyed you
Day after day
Day after day
I get it now
I just go on without you
Twisted inside
Six miles high
I rehearse how to
Say goodbye to you
Skinnyman
Turned into a monster
I'm a motherfucker
Wrap it up tight
Emotions are distorted
It's no surprise
Nothing alive
All hope has been aborted
Day after day
Day after day
I get it now
I just go on without you
Twisted inside
Six miles high
I rehearse how to
Say goodbye to you
Skinnyman
Turned into a monster
I'm a motherfucker
Inside i'm dead
All used up
God damn i miss her
As my skin turns yellow
I forget this hell
As the skies are bruised
And the rain comes down
As my face turns pale
Try to deal with these thoughts
At the end of it all
I still miss you
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| so tonight, michael and andrew dennison decided to mix captain morgan, applesauce, and coke. it was surprisingly good. like. it's retarded that it is.
| | |
| QUOTE MOTHER FUCKIN ERIC BUCKELEW
"DON'T EAT THE RANCH! I STUCK MY WEINER IN IT!"
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