sarratopaz's Xanga

A Matter of Growth

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:19:26 GMT

It's been tricky but recently I've been trying to find time for myself in order to gain improvement in aspects I tend to have trouble with. One of them is writing. Though lately my blog has been sounding somewhat like a tabloid gossip column, mind you, it is also how I at one point channeled my emotions as well. No, I'm not the most articulate writer and have a habit of repetition due to my fondness of specific words.

I think things have begun to improve though.
Yes, as a female, there are moments when I'm an emotional wreck and need to constantly find ways to expel those feelings. However, I feel this volunteer trip I made recently truly put matters into perspective for me, not just as an aspiring physician but as a human being as well.

Growing up as an only child with little ways to find self-confidence, I was quite the shy kid. At times, I'd have trouble just talking to the ice cream man to buy some ice cream. I was very sensitive to people's comments yet at the same time did not have a good amount of tact. Sometimes, I'd be too hyper to control myself that people would get embarrassed by the things that I said.

I do believe that a large part of our characters is continually carried on with us despite how much we've matured. It's interesting to see the worst of us come out even when we feel we've overcome it.

I diverge. So anyway, from this volunteering experience where we, the medical students, were given the opportunity to just shed our ego and pride and have as much fun as we could with the children. It was initially a little awkward for me but it didn't take me much time to really get into the full swing of things - after all, I do have a large amount of innate silliness (in a good way of course).

There were two girls in my class who came with me on this trip. Both were terrific but in different ways and I felt as though I was seeing the two different ends of a spectrum of myself. For some odd reason, I've noticed in my life that I always fall midway between two different characters. I'll have little bits and pieces of the personalities of both but not the full extent. Of course, there is much more to who they are than meets the eye so my measurements are based off of just what I experienced over this brief but exhilarating weekend.

One was the oldest of five so she had the motherly type of character, someone who'd love to have many children in the future and listen to all their stories and help them with what whatever they needed. The other was the strong, independent type who was very straightforward in whatever she had to say. She expressed that she probably should censor some of her speeches but we knew it was all in good intention.

So where do I fall here?
I was probably at one point much similar to the girl with her straightforwardness and independent character. Don't get me wrong, I can still stand on my own two feet and I'm sure the other motherly girl was more than capable of doing so as well. I just happen to have a little dose of both; while I don't look into a future of having many children, I do want people to trust me, to be able to share their stories with me and if it requires that I just have a little more patience with them, then I'm willing to make changes.

On the other hand, I don't want to go as far as to bend my back over all the time with everyone. There is always a limit to how emotionally you should ever get involved with your patients. Emotion is a very frail thing and if you give too much of it away, there will be none left for you to hold onto. In the end, wherever you may have placed those emotions may turn you down, things may not turn out as you'd hoped to and you'll just be disappointed from whatever efforts you'd put on the spot.

My limit is two kids. I do want kids eventually (that is, if I can find the right man to begin with of course) but I don't expect to make my life circulate around that idea. I still want to pursue what I want and along the way, if I happen to decide that it's time to settle down, I'll make changes then. No need to look into the future too early yet.

From all this, I got the final boost I needed in self-confidence that has been really wavering up and down lately because of some unfortunate recent events (for lack of better expression, drama with friends which I hate in any form or shape). It was the realization that I could be whomever I wanted to be, I really could, it just was that do I choose to be that person?

It's very empowering to understand that you have the power to be someone else yet you choose not to do so, that you are not ashamed of your selections despite how the world may revolve around you. I mean, I've never been one to succumb to the beliefs of majority just because it's the majority's opinions anyway but for me to feel confident about doing so was consistently a different story. I would question my own beliefs many times due to my observation in how other's carried out their activities.

But you know what?
I have my own ways of handling matters. Though there may have been other methods, I will have confidence in what I decide until it shows that my convictions are detrimental. Everyone has their own style including myself.

So the kind of woman that I'm determined to become is one that is not afraid to have a mind of her own, to speak of it when necessary yet still be open minded to the thoughts of others, in order to gain their trust. I want to become a person who can win over my people through the power of persuasion, through understanding, while never losing the essence of who I am.

It should be understood that there obviously will be moments when this belief in myself can get shaky. Nevertheless, I find that declaring it in one form or another is essential for me to figure out the kind of doctor and woman I want to be.

Oh yes and one more thing.
Be more expressive ... I feel that people aren't expressive enough of appreciation, of good things in life, of others and whatnot. I don't deny that I'm at fault for this and I will strive to improve in this aspect as well despite how awkward others may feel about it.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 12:04:20 GMT

Where to start … I think I may have difficulty in selecting the proper words to describe this experience. Let me just start with that it was probably one of the best I’ve ever had. I was just enthralled with how everyone bonded, meshed together and eventually ended up leaving with some kind of feeling of content in their heart, content that they had touch someone’s life, content that they had actually stopped to make time for someone else other than themselves.

I had originally signed up for this activity with the idea of spending time with children and camping out to levels of tents and outhouses with various outdoor activities scheduled for us such as fishing, rafting, and further on. What I gained in return was much more than that.

As a family pal, I continued to put others before me, regardless of how it made me look, of my own image that presented in the face of others. It was the essence of the activity to be silly, to just totally let go of your pride and show your love for others. Though in the beginning few hours of our arrival it was a little awkward to act in such a manner, in the end, you just don’t care anymore, all you feel and see is how awesome it is to have people around you and you yourself love everyone.

It is quite common in the physician profession to forget about these aspects of interacting with people. Sometimes everyone gets so wrapped up in their own issues that they forget to think of others, how they might feel, and that we’re there to relieve them of their pain. Sometimes, it gets to the point where you’re so exhausted of yourself, you need time for yourself in order to revamp for the next session of sacrifice.

However, interaction with children and their pristine personages seems to constantly succeed in bringing us back to why we wanted to get involved in this profession from the start. I definitely felt that aspect of my medical career during this trip at CBC. The interaction I had with the family I was assigned to gave me an idea how much they must have undergone in order to treat whatever disorder their daughters had. Though the origin of the diseases may be questionable, as doctors, we are not here to judge. We are here to treat people for whatever disease they come in for. Nonetheless, at times, society’s continuous changes may make us feel jaded in that aspect.

During childhood, I had difficulty in interacting with children. I feel my primary reason behind that was because I had trouble putting myself in the other person’s shoes. There are those who are better about it than others. As a doctor, I agree it’s crucial to be a good listener and to understand how the other person may feel rather than hoping for gratification of your own story. After all, the patient is here to see YOU, and you as the doctor need to have a good thorough history of this patient’s life, no?

I feel with each day of medical school, with each day of my interaction of my friends, this development of tact continues to sit in the back of my mind. One of my objectives in becoming a great physician is also becoming a better listener and striving to understand how others may feel. This CBC activity gave me the opportunity to continue to develop that aspect of myself. I always put the campers before me, asked them what they wanted to do despite how tired I may be or weary of the day. In the end, the campers also showed their love in return, reminding me again how important it is to think of others before myself.

I just don’t want to be a physician who repairs patients physically. I also want to be a physician my patients are willing to see and look forward to receiving treatment from, one whom they can trust.

So ...

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:33:24 GMT

I feel like the real game is beginning now. And it's a massive amount of work ....
A test of my faith in this career is starting as we speak. I just didn't realize it would hit me this early.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:06:11 GMT

Why is it that I always make a best guy friend, closer than any female friend I've had ... he ends up being taken away from me? Either it's with a gf, just not interested, blah blah blah ... leaving me in the dirt, feeling alone again.

Ugh, this is why I rarely use the term best friend with anyone. Unfortunately, I did it this time and now I want to take it back.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 18:19:02 GMT

I just changed my ringtone/phone alarm to "What You Know About That" by T.I. I swear, it is the weirdest thing to wake up to clubbing music at 7:30 AM before going to class.

Recent Highlights

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 10:54:36 GMT

Ok I'm too lazy to elaborate too much on what I've been thinking lately. There are just too many things to deal with right now and my brain is just friggin' tired from reading/thinking/pondering PERIOD. And the two week mark prior to exams hasn't even hit yet!!

Recently, there's a professor for my physiology class who teaches old school style, no powerpoint slides, just his notes and his rambling. Ironically, he's been one of the best so far, he actually makes it more interactive and whatnot. I wonder if this is an indication that old school style isn't completely out of fashion just yet? But then, even with old school style, a horrible teacher is still a horrible teacher. However, since medical school, I've been seeing more boring teachers with their high tech powerpoints and 139048302948039 notes for us to read than an old school teacher who sucks ... but yes, old school style definitely seems more interactive.

Though I've been leaning towards going into cardio since the beginning of medical school, I'm beginning to think that pediatrics is not a bad option either. After seeing patients who can really piss you off or patients that you're treating while knowing that you can't do much for them, I think pediatrics would really bring about job satisfaction because you truly ARE making a difference. You're starting with people while they're young, hence there's still improvement, there's still a chance for things to get better and whatnot. The con to this was that I'm not one of those bubbly "Oh, my God, that kid is so cute" kinda girl. Children have grown on me over the years but I wasn't always a fan of them from a start.

However, I think children will bring light to my work, the idea that I'm changing someone's life I feel will truly come to me as a pediatrician ... not only that, but a cardiac pediatrician.
We'll see. Too bad I hate embryo though ... but it may be something that I'm willing to overlook.

Death.

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 22:33:54 GMT

What is it with death and tears going hand in hand.
I just found out that my old coworker/friend died from a car accident.
When it involves someone I don't know, the news is taken so lightly and we live on our lives taking certain things for granted.
When it involves someone with certain relations to someone else, you start to feel a little closer to the incident.
When it involves someone you actually had memories with .... well, then, there is that hollow feeling where everything is just dropping and you feel heavy. The disbelief that someone you knew like that is just ... gone, no longer there, a body with no soul.
I happened to have been there when this friend of mine started dating this other female friend I knew. The three of us were lab partners and while we were still working together, the two of them hooked up.
And now after dating for three years and finally gaining an acceptance to medical school, one disappears ... to think what it would be like to be in her position, it's just unimaginable. I don't think I could live with myself for a long long time ... there would really be nothing that could fill that vacancy, that void, that spot where he always stood, the image of him.

When I first heard the news, I think I was fine for a couple of minutes. First thought that crossed my mind, I haven't kept in touch with him so I didn't feel very affected ... but as time moved on, the reality began to sink in. It was like, oh wow, he is seriously gone. Every single memory I had of him began to surface, first the bad, then the good, then I felt like I could hear his voice ringing in my ears. It was like, he came back to me ... after he left.

And with that, I feel like his memories really mean that he was some part of my life ... a part that I just remembered again now. They all had some kind of meaning ... and I feel closer to him now as my friend. I am grateful to have met him, I am happy that he was a part of my life ....

He was too young, though, too young and too smart to be taken away from this life. He would have accomplished so much ....

And in that sense, he lives on.

R.I.P. Justin Harvey, beloved friend and coworker.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 05:13:18 GMT

Is it possible to get emotionally involved with your best friend?

I mean, if he's the opposite sex ....

I know how to keep things plutonic.

But damn ... I don't know now.
I have no time to think about it though.

Failure is never fun to face ...

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 12:23:04 GMT

Especially when you know that everyone else did fine.
You tell yourself everyday, you don't want to be affected by what others do or what others achieve ... you know you can be different and you want to embrace it.

Yet when it comes down to school and grades and you're the one who screws yourself over, there's no other worse feeling than that. It's funny because I thought to myself, if I fail, I'll be able to understand what I did wrong and just take a different approach. Simple as that.

Well, the emotional downside you go through afterwards is not fun. Damn .... I should've known better than that, now I feel like a total idiot.

And now, I feel very naive about my wishful thinking ... thinking that I'll be ok, you just gotta get over yourself. I dunno, was I really doing everything right?

Grrr ... people always make mistakes. It just sucks when you feel like you're the only one who made THAT particular mistake and it's tough to relate to anyone else.

A bit of a turnaround.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 15:32:35 GMT

I think that my blog mood has been taking over this slightly gossip-theme though I wasn't intending it to. It's that each day I live on, each day I study, each day I interact with people, I'm always learning something about myself, something I can develop, something I can throw away, all things that add up to how I can learn to become a better person.

Sometimes it can be good, sometimes it can be bad. Sometimes I'll just lose my self-confidence in the face of change and sometimes I think I'm really glad that change came along.

But from now on, I'm determined to write about more relevant things, particularly pertaining towards my aspirations of becoming a physician. The tough part about this is that that's what I discuss about in school all day so by the time I decide to blog about it, the mood is gone, I'm pretty tired and I just want my brain to melt. Before I know it, I realize that I've lost the capacity to truly express myself with words. I mean, I was never the A+ English essay student ... but I don't think I really had difficulty in writing about how I feel as I do now.

Anyway, so I'm determined to swing this blog around a lil bit. Aaah ... or should I just stick to photography pictures??

I have my neuroanatomy exam tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it ... thus far, there are 2390482309482304932 details I have to remember despite the fact that I've been told that this exam is so insanely easy, even a caveman could do it. Hence, I should be ashamed if I even "Asian" failed it haha.

Mardi Gras was quite the insane celebration. The parade floats were so flamboyantly decorated and there were so many different kinds of beads you could acquire!! And dolls and what not ... but knowing Mardi Gras, those people who throw those things at ya what something back ... whatever it is, it'd better satisfy their needs.

It was fun though. Hehe, interesting to think that the main reason to see all those parades is for them beads. And now I have so many, I'm willing to toss them at the first years of next year NOW (you see, the second years have a bead toss done before the first years take their very first block exams).

I can't believe I'll be a second year soon ... even though I have about 2.9 block exams to go.
We've all come a long way within just this first year.