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Name: Aaron
Birthday: 4/9/1986
Gender: Male


Occupation: Student
Industry: Music


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Member Since: 3/22/2004

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

is it bad that I only can feel
like I'm falling away from the light?
there's a demon that hounds at my heels
and it robs my sleep at night

is it bad that i've not learned to kill
all the feelings I never could hide?
but it seems that you've stolen my will
you make me feel like i'm learning to fly

and nothing compares to you
oh, nothing compares to you.
out of earth, wind, fire, and sky,
i would choose to see your smile.
 
I've been haunted all of my life
by a dark, cold place in my mind
seems i'm constantly longing for home
so i search and see what i find

but when my mistakes do tear
and the weight of the mess in my heart brings to bear
all the parts of my soul I dispersed recklessly
hoping one would return to me  
maybe one will return to me

somehow i know i can be
more than these chains i'm accustomed to see
seems i stand at the edge of the world
praying for the day I'll be free

so i'm sorry for the times that i've stolen your smile
never realized that's just what i need all the while
I would scream at the top of my lungs just to find
Some way to keep you by my side
Some way to keep you by my side.


Saturday, February 10, 2007

I think i’m destined to be forever at the mercy of others. For all my gift of reason and rhetoric, i will probably end up banging my head against a wall for the rest of my life. That’s all i do nowadays. None of the people i care about really consider what i have to say. They are all about furthering their own agenda for me, or expecting me to become tracer paper to their own experiences. I have several people in mind as i write this.

Why do i feel like a prisoner, a wild stallion that is being brought under subjection by a man? Why do i feel so clausterphobic, the need to get out, get away, get free? It’d be one thing if it were God doing the taming, but this is man.

For all the pleasure i hope for, is it worth trading in my dignity…my voice? It’s not right. It’s not right to become a slave to pleasure in any sense, but that’s exactly what i’ve become. I have no voice, i have no say, just expected to be silent and “await the master’s voice”, and if i speak no one will listen.
I don’t know if i want this…

In my heart i know something’s not quite right.

Maybe i do it to myself, but re-opening wounds that have almost healed is at the same time painful and immensely frustrating. After so many times you try to avoid anything that will re-open your wound in any way. I don’t know. Emotion may be a bad thing to base decisions on, but ignoring them i find is even worse. Emotions are little flames that light up and add beautiful colors to one’s life. Ignore them and they will eventually die out in a wisp of gray smoke, leaving you in cold darkness.

I’m not willing to let that happen to me. Even if that means i have to do some things i don’t want to. I’m not a quitter, or maybe i am. Either way, i must take my life back from those who do me harm. Basic instinct. I need to guard my little flames for another day.


Friday, February 09, 2007

it's been...one week

two weeks...
heck technically, it's been 3 weeks if you count the last weekend which we didn't talk...
and i don't know why that song is in my head but it is.

now a strange phenomenon is occuring in my life. These nights have been very optimistic nights for me. not sure why. it's usually the opposite...maybe. If i remember correctly...

and so far, i haven't killed anything.

I was thinking today, and i remember how i used to comment that i was forever waiting for something. Waiting to graduate high school, waiting to come home on break, waiting to figure out what to do, waiting to get my life started so to speak. A part of that old theme has come to the forefront in recent weeks.

But...you know, what if i didn't have a week to live? what if i went tomorrow? I can't be waiting for something to complete me. I have to find it in what i already have. Not in other people, but with what i have when it's just me and God. There has been an ever-present pain of something lacking for these past 3 weeks, but that doesn't mean that i can't be okay with my life at this very moment. Besides, who has anything but this moment promised to them anyway?

sorry if you have no clue what i'm writing about. I'd love to say more but hey...that's for a later date. A lot can happen in a week, so i've learned.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

i played DDR today.

boy do i have a long way to go before i'm fully asian...


Monday, February 05, 2007

Persecution and Missionaries to the United States

(parallel post with wordpress.)

American christians are not persecuted. That’s bull. If that were so, why do we have Christians coming from other countries and saying things like, “It is impossible to survive in this land and remain a Christian. The time is just not there to practice your Christianity” (reference below). Sure, we’re not getting physically beaten and tortured and risking our lives. No, instead, our minds are constantly beaten and lied to, and we end up forfeiting our lives. How is that not persecution?Just because Satan wasn’t able to impose physical persecution on us doesn’t mean he is not trying to persecute us. If that were the case, then either 1) we are not really Christians, according to Jesus, or 2) we are being persecuted and don’t realize it.

Is there essentially any difference between a government that arrests Christians and beats them, demanding that they renounce their faith and a society that surrounds Christians with values that a Christian would have to give up his/her faith to embrace? People get the persecution idea real quick when you start beating them, and I am by far not minimizing the suffering of those who are. But people aren’t as keen to identify persecution when it comes in the form of being comfortable.

Yeah okay fine, I am speaking from some experience, but I just cannot accept that my best efforts to walk with Christ here in America are fundamentally inferior to the best efforts of a Christian in another country. If that’s true, then why was I, in Romania, able to spend hours upon hours a day with just a tiny pocket new testament and a notebook, reading, writing, and praying…and yet still struggled with same things, the same thoughts, and the same ideas about God I struggle with now?

It cannot be true that we are inferior Christians, and as long as we are belittled into thinking that, we will never rise above. Lambasting American Christians and piling on the guilt will only make them sink deeper into their comfort. That’s why we need examples. And for sure, we have a lot. But I would say we need missionaries.

Whenever I say that, people are like…United States? How do we need missionaries? What are you talking about? Some missionaries plant churches. Others encourage existing churches. I say we need the latter. We have enough churches, and enough resources among us to plant all the churches we could ever want or need.

But we don’t.

You know how when a Christian comes from another country, everyone’s like oooh and ahhh, and is eager to hear what they have to say? And for the week or whatever they are there, we drink in all the stories and reports on how it is over there. So…what if we had missionaries like that come to us for a longer term basis, to encourage us? In the book A Heart for the City, contributing author Sunday Bwanhot writes, “No nation in this world is so spiritually sound that it does not need help from outside its borders.”

I think we need missionary exchange programs. We need to stop thinking we’re such bad Christians but it’s okay because we’re so good sending out missionaries. We need to be encouraged in our faith and discouraged in our smugness about how much we do for the world. I can’t see anything negative about that.

Fuder, J. (1999). A Heart for the City. Chicago: Moody Publishers.



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