secret_agent_tan's Xanga

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:41:47 GMT

They said that going into music/ piano was tough.

BUT THIS TOUGH???

Yeah... I have no life. Sit at home and play all day. Is it worth it in the end? I STILL think so. Do I really want to hang out with my friends more? Heck yessssss!! Do I still want to be able to run Cross next fall? HECCCKKK YESSSSS! Do I want to do GP next year? (an answer wouldn't even begin to describe it)

A sacrifice is a sacrifice, though...

Hmm.. tough decisions...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:33:30 GMT

Why has sleep become more of a luxury than a necessity for me? I think I got it backwards rather than the other way around...

and if that didn't make any sense- which it probably didn't- you know why!

homework should die now. (or go do itself)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:54:10 GMT

So... I just got asked to prom.

Except.. I can't go cuz I have the SanFran choir tour that weekend... and I already paid $$$$$$$ for it

hmm... interesting...

A Deep One...

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 05:22:16 GMT

Hmm... a deep public post...
what has Josh come to these days?

Junior Year... the Worst-Best year of my life (or the best-worst?)

So, as many of you know, I've been struggling this entire junior year. It's been the roughest year of my entire life. Last summer, I was "waiting" for God to show me a "revelation" (wow that sounds really dumb...) to kind of "get me back on track with my life."

Obviously, God doesn't do what we want all the time. So, that summer ended uneventfully, and I was still myself. Struggling with the same sins, dealing with the same issues, not feeling close to God, and stressing over the same stuff.

There's a reason that junior year was not "fine and dandy." As more and more adversity piled up with the stress of junior year, I finally broke down. I couldn't take it anymore and considered giving up on life. I couldn't see the point of going to school, living in a deluded, dysfunctional society, doing well at every little thing, and being criticized for not conforming to society's rules. I had been rejecting God, relying on myself, and trying to plan everything so that it would turn out "perfectly" my way. Pleasing myself, and everybody and everything around me was the goal. All my time (had I any) was spent on achieving that goal. There were days where I tried to fit 30 hours of stuff into a 24 hour day- and I would be EXHAUSTED- nearly passing out during school and getting sick for a week at a time.

When I finally broke down, I realized how much I really don't understand about how the world works and why God puts things in our lives that he does. There's a reason that we can't explain why we face adversity and how everything was created. It's so that we can trust God. The world requires that we strive for excellence and be "better than the rest." We will never achieve it.

While my days will still seem impossibly tough, it's good to realize that there's a reason for everything and that there's more to life than living in a society that tells me I'm not good enough, or that I need to conform.

I've matured a lot over junior year, both in thinking and also character.

I think that I want to be baptized at the next baptism class (fall?).

It's been a long, long, long year, but I'm glad that God made me go through with it. If I look back, I will see that I've picked up a lot of character, knowledge, philosophy, morals, time management, decision making skills, and getting my priorities straight. Many things you learn after you've experienced them. This year has definitely been filled with those. As college stresses and decisions come up, I hope that I will learn to trust God instead of trying to do everything on my own. I know that if I leave it to God, the rest of my life will be planned out, and that I won't have to worry about it anymore.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:14:29 GMT

I love youth group. I always have. And I always will.

BUT PEOPLE HAVE TO LEARN TO MIND THEIR OWN BUISNESS SOMETIMES...

ESPECIALLY the people IN MY GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 22:30:17 GMT

If somebody asked me what the worst day of my life was, I would probably pick today... and for so many reasons too.

On a scale of 1 to 10, it'd be -2.

Of course, there could always be worse... Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

)*&%^&(^%&(*^%$!!!!!!!!!!!$@$^#%&$%^#!!!!

Frustration

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 05:36:55 GMT

So, as most of you know, I [hopefully] want to go into music for college.

And yeah. I GET IT. all of us [juniors/ seniors] are going to struggle when doing college stuff.

But right now, I feel the worst frustration ever. I'm not sure where to look, and I'm pretty sure the places I do look into won't accept me. I'm kinda thinking that my teacher won't approve unless I agree with him. and YES I DO understand that my teacher doesn't control my life, but some just don't understand how big the teacher is in on leaving a legacy on your music career. My teacher only wants gigantic, top-notch schools that are so expensive I would be in my grave and still paying debts. Yet without his guidance and connections, I would also be nothing when I go to college. What if I don't want to stick with performance? What else can I do? Conducting? Composing? Am I even good enough for any of this? And what to do even after I figure out college? Be a hobo on the streets playing guitar? Accompany people? Teach a choir? (wha.. be a Mr. Jilek????!!? )

My parents support me and all, but they also keep questioning what I'll do after I get out, how I'll make money, and how many billions of loans I'll have to take out- questions which I have zero answers to at this point.

I'm not complaining at all, I'm just going through a thinking crisis right now. And better now than next year, when I actually HAVE TO decide. I wish there was someone who's already gone through all this and can give me advice. So far, all the advice I've been getting is from teachers that are too "high up the ladder" to understand my situation, teachers that don't know what the college music situation is like these days, and music major dropouts that decided to switch- thus never completing/ experiencing the whole thing anyway.

Oh and you know what- hold that thought. I guess God kinda started giving me a sign that I should shut up and stop worrying. I contacted a person from a honors recital I recently attended- he goes to Oberlin (a top-notch music school, btw), and exactly as I was typing this post, he answered my facebook message.

Coincidence? I think not...

I hope more of those are on the way...

I'm out.

-Josh

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:30:02 GMT

and for everyone asking me "why don't you have a girlfriend?"

My answer is: "I don't really want one- at least, not this very second." and "From previous personal experience I think it's stupid how a 'couple' just see each other and nobody else. It seems like when two people start going out, they ditch the rest of their friends (like me), and don't spend time with them anymore. It pisses me off. Yeah, totally spend time with each other, but if you're in each other's arms in public for hours at a time, then some good friend you are to all your other friends...."

Yeah... sorry, that sounded super angry and defensive, but I'm more pondering than angry...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 19:32:31 GMT

Gah... I'm sad. I found out that I probably can't go to Summer Conference this year... AGAIN!!!

Ahh... i'm so mad....

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 05:05:25 GMT

So... I'm very much considering the U of Iowa to go to school for music in college. Of course, I'll still audition at a ton of other music schools...

but...

Iowa... hmm... cornfields? middle of nowhere?

at least there's a very good piano teacher there... and it's not like $1324876984237564 like at Oberlin or NYU...

OH TIME FOR THE COLLEGE SEARCH FUN TO START. COLLEGE VISITING ROADTRIPS WITH ME, ANYBODY?