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seni_fishiplefts
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Name: Natasha United States
State: Texas
Metro: Beaumont
Gender: Female
Interests: language, theatre, photography, music, movies, shiny things, covering my walls in art, pictures, posters, maps..etc., walking aimlessly, spending too much money, collecting weird stuff, driving around, getting back to my religion, attending class occasionally
Expertise: expertise? perhaps that's not the right word.. but here are a few my favorite subjects/things of interest: people in general - "people watching", art, language, literature, theatre, biological sciences, useless trivia
Occupation: Student
Industry: whoring for tips
Message: message me
AIM:  baby8807
MSN: lastella_delmare
Yahoo:  lastella_delmare
Member Since:
3/1/2005
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| i've never jumped off of anything really high.. perhaps a cliff.. you know, like those base jumpers do, but i can imagine that if i were to do so, it would feel similar to how i'm feeling now. i spent a long time with my feet firmly planted on the earth. i didn't want to jump.. i mean.. who would give up stability? (forgiving that the earth is actually fairly unstable.. though that's ironically similar, too.) i feel like i fell asleep and woke up hovering about a foot away from the ledge on gravitys victorious side thinking "oh crap i think i'd like to be on solid ground again". but as physics will tell you.. once you start to fall, there's no going back. of course, there isn't an actual cliff but i'm still pretty sure there's no going back.
oh geez. it's a little too late for saving isn't it? of course, it's not just me. it takes two to run something into the ground quite as successfully as we have.
how am i feeling?:
oh, and i almost forgot.. i get to have fluoroscopy. ohjoy.
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| xanga is my channel for negativity.i am not usually the first person to admit she's made a mistake.. but i have. i made the mistake of thinking that through effort and perseverance and maybe a little patience and love.. perhaps i could work through the hard things and come out with something good. i made the mistake of wasting time when fate has obviously sent me several people specifically put there to tell me not to waste time. my heart is conflicted. i can't think of anything more confusing. i'm great at solving problems when i can look up answers in books and atlases, but where do i find the answer when the answer is nowhere? i know all the ''follow your heart'' and ''the answer is within'' crap.. but what happens when my heart slams me into the same heartbreak over and over again and there is no answer within. what if exactly 50% of me thinks it's worth it to fight and 50% of me wants to run as fast as it can to get the hell out of here? when is love not enough? what happens if i give up and spend the rest of my life wishing i hadn't? how did i lead myself into such a trap? loving someone wholeheartedly who doesn't know what to do with friendship, much less love. it's not like i ask for much. how dare i ask that when i take a week off work (essentially flushing hundreds of dollars down the toilet so that i can watch you sleep) you be conscious for at least most of it? what a bitch i must be to ask you to spend one of your three days off doing something that i've really been wanting to do? i know it's silly, but that's what i wanted to do on my day off. so sue me.. i'd leave if i didn't have to be here tuesday anyway. we'll see what tomorrow brings.
oh my. wasted time. wasn't i warned? i was indeed.
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| there is something about the layers of people. facets, maybe? can you love one part of a person.. but another part drives you apart like a wedge? can you be drawn to someone like a moth to flame, but pushed away by something inside of that very same person? can i devote myself wholly to someone who has no passion for life when my life is pretty much devoted to expressing passion? were people onions, perhaps i could peel away that dastardly bruised outer layer.
i am giving myself a headache...
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| looks like pretty much everyone has deserted poor lonely xanga. such a shame.. i enjoy its simplicity.
for the few of you left.. what is new? new job. my bunny died. i am still fighting my uphill battle, but it has lost most of what little perks it had left. i do long for the simplicity of honesty and forthrightness. ah well..
it would almost be a relief to me.. if there were someone else. at least then i would know that it wasn't much to do with me. i drove by one day.. one of the many days i spent a slave to answerless ringing. i realized that i wasn't seeking truth or answers.. i was seeking relief. odd, no?
yet still something enslaves me to my situation. i suppose the emotion enslaves us all eventually. i am hoping that it will eventually become lackluster enough for me to lose my inhibition and just start talking. of course, by then, there will be no purpose.
perhaps i should become a one-night drunk. isn't that what people do when they're drunk? lose inhibition and start saying things that are true but that they would never say in a normal state? even if all i get are a few grunts or whimpers, at least i would have peace of mind. and perhaps my sigh of relief? who knows.. feeling yellow.
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| i'm acquiring some sort of weird appreciation for r and b music. i don't know what that's about. maybe i'm becoming ethnic.
my mom and i got a kitty, but it lives at my moms house. she's a cute kitty. i named her chloe.
i'm going on vacation to ca and wa. i will see whales and islands and mountains and i will ski. i will build a snowman. i will wallow ridiculously in the snow, and i will refuse to leave behind my many baggies of snow which will have melted by the time i get around to fighting for them.
i think i will just let time pass idly by. i am too busy with other things to be making decisions. especially decisions that i don't want to make. that's my story, and i'm sticking to it. (even though i know i'm just a coward.)
i need to find a halloween/faire costume. mostly faire because i don't know if i'm doing anything for halloween. i could wear one of my old ones, but new costumes make me immensely happy. unfortunately i'm REALLY poor.
class is going well, but i have a paper due on wednesday that i haven't even started yet. anyone have a descriptive essay they'd like to sell for.. maybe.. $20 and some cookies?
one, two, three four
tell me that you love me more
sleepless, long nights
that was what my youth was for
oh teenage hopes are lying at your door
left you with nothing,
but they wanted more.
you're changing your heart.
you know who you are.
sweetheart, bitter heart,
now i can't tell you apart.
cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart.
those teenage hopes,
through our tears and the lies.
too scared to run off...
money can't buy you back
the love that you had then.
you're changing your heart.
you know who you are.
i'm not even sure what that was for.
i've been writing in my head a lot lately. i should actually document these odd goings-on.. they might be an interesting read if i were to post them where people actually read.
i'm fighting an uphill battle. like your parents would say.. uphill both ways in the snow.. but there is no peak to my hill. just up.. and up.. and up. where am i going? or better yet.. why? what is my reward? this confusion?
i'm stuck between being too tired to fight like i used to, and too tired to stop. old french lady still haunts me. ugh. whatever. i complain like i'll do something about it.
it would be so easy for me to just replace. with something better on paper. then WHY is it not so easy?
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