No, I'm not okay.
I wasn't okay then, or now, or when I lied about it earlier.
I'm not okay because I don't feel like I'm myself when you aren't here.
I feel like the person I am when you're not here is not the person you love. It's some person I created in order to get by without relying on you every single day.

and i hate myself for that.
ive never hated anyone before
but this time, I've found the perfect candidate.
Who better to completely dislike than the person I know best of all?
right.

i hate that we're always saying goodbye and not hello.
i hate that i turn into a kindergarden teacher from when im in the station to when i hit the table. like i actually am caring how much they like the kona.

im sick to my stomach
sick with worry and thought and stupidity
because i can't even think straight
my eyes rain
without any seeds to water
and i just can't help wonder
is this who i am?
is this where i am supposed to be?
why do i swing so drastically from being so content
to being utterly miserable?

its nothing you did.
or you, either.
he did, he did something from the second he opened his mouth to meet me. he's installed this underlying uneasiness, this constant onguardedness of me just not being able to be completely me.
the worst part is that he's not worth two seconds of who i really am.
the further problem is that he won't ever understand that

i don't deserve you
or the devotion you give me
if you knew i was this complicated from the beginning, would you have actually followed through at the beginning, when i wasn't into you enough to give you what you deserved?
if i knew how multifaceted my life would become coming home, would i have just moved somewhere else?
i dont know.
im reminded of sliding doors, and how sickly touched i felt after i watched it.

its just a bunch of what ifs.
what if he is right
what if i didnt go to pci
what if i started to doubt my accomplishments thus far
what if you didnt go back
what if phoebe was still here
what if we never went to boston
what if i just packed up and left.

what if i got some sleep and stopped thinking so much

that's probably the best bet.

honestly, i didn't ever think i would be where i am right now.
and for that, i am belatedly thankful.

now all that needs to happen is for daddy to come home.
then itll be fine.