Letdown huh?

U know sometimes u just wished to be the one that gets hurt than being the one that hurt the other person....Well, once again I'm found in the position of hurting somebody because of choices I'd made. There is no right or wrong in choices we made daily, only consequences.As for me...big time..and I knew I could never change anything for now...

My words will be few tonite, as I have nothin much to say as I know nothing could change what has taken place. My mom told me before, never to regret in anything that has be done, well..I tried not too..and I knew I would, cause life still will go on..and I knew I will have to move on. I wished things would go back the way they were...wishful thinking, but ...I dunno.

Friends are people that I cared most for, but maybe from today onwards I may have to think twice how I cared about them. Sometimes, it is just..I dunno, different. Each one is unique, and each one have their own way of thinking. Some may say, birds of a feather may flock together, yet, each one is still different. 

I dreaded to think what has happened, I wished they would all be resolved. That God would make it well again, but I guess not. My lack of considerations has brought me this..and I hav to own it up..I have to bear this thought..as much as it has hurt a friend, I felt helpless and lost..what is left is just regrets. Something that..so useless..yet that is the only thing that's left. 

When one fails oneself, one has only one to takecare of, but when one fails another, one has also another to takecare of. I fear now, in a lot of things. Fear of disappointing friends that are dear to you. I fear one day if I fail one, would one just step out of my life and...that's it. I am not that brave afterall..and careless by all means..and selfish.

Things that I want to do, I do not do, but things that I do not want to do I keep on doing.

Oh when will I stop and learn and think of my past, my mistakes. Its not a time to feel sympathetic and hoping that people will come and give me all the sympathy I need. In the end, I still have to stand with my own two feet and start to crawl or walk again.

I'm sorry, and I do know how one functions sometimes, and carelessly I letdown all that I hold dear. I wish it wasn like that or things somehow will get better..but.. I gues i will never know..and I miss you too. Things will change...things will change..I'm sorry.

We're not forgotten, we're ever in God's sight,

He will come to us, when the time is right,

He will lead us into freedom, He will lead us in the light,

and He will come to us, when the time is right.

Just...                                                                                                 

So, Inclusive Concert, a production of Calvary Youth has officially taken place last night, 24 July, 2004 at the hour of 1830. Man..the crowd this year was...just awesome...not as in the number, but the enthusiasm. We, as the participants of the Concert was deeply overwhelmed by the responses of the crowd.

The concert, was opened by a short clip of a girl being rejected by his boyfriend. Feeling lost and unwanted she thought she could at least seek comfort from her friends, but only to find that no one cared!! The clip was done in quite an abstract form, wherby it allowed people to think and relate on their own. The soundtrack of the clip, Crystal Clear by Jaci Valesque was well chosen to compliment the conclusion of the story, the lines went:

When I'm a sparrow in winter, You are a seed I find
When I'm a heart with a splinter, Your blood keeps me alive
If I could call you a color, You'd be the deepest of blues
If I had my pleasure of anything, You'd be the one that I'd choose

Chorus:
Now it's crystal clear I'm falling for You
Now that I can see the mystery's revealed
Now I'm coming clean
I can feel my fears released
Now it's crystal clear I'm falling for You

I'm soft like clay
Your hands they mold
For You, I would run away
Just to hear You calling out my name

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
I'm broken and empty
Without You, I'm blinded
I need You,
I need You near me, I need You near me

Repeat chorus

Please catch me, I'm falling for You...

So you see, even the choosing of the song played such an importance. Man, when I heard the song, I just knew it was a good one. Good one people.

Ok, lets move on, up next was another opening song entitled, I Will Always Have You written and dueted by our own youths Sheryl and Jeremy, and it was simply captivating! Sheryl probably blew the minds of the crowds when she repeated the lines 

...and I will never say no to You Lord, and I will never say no to You Lord...and I WILL NEVER SAY NO TO YOU LORD...and I will NEVER SAY NOooooooooo...

Whoolamak!! She's the DIVA man. While Jeremy the Kwai Lou, probably would hav been releasing his charm...since I'd been hearing ppl asking who's the HOT guy up there?...even my guy frens also think that he looks hot....oh well!! Nolar..just kiddin, he has his own unique features and voice..and all glory to God!! Just as they ended the song, they introduced the second part of the opening with a dance featuring a brief ballet at the beginning and then continued with an attitude-checked hip-hop cum jazzy dance moves. I must say..the guys were just AWESOME!! Man..their moves are simple yet expressive..hey, I din just say that ok...I was there dancing also..I love the beat-box, [or however it is spelled] though..just one word-COOL!!! Special thanks to the choreographers: Allison, Erin, Betty, Kevin and Becky..

FINALLY, the concert BEGANNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn........ with the trio-guitarists-knock-out..man, whoever tht came out with the arangement was just awesome!! The man, SPikeEe...*applause* great arrangement!! The opening song, NOW THAT YOU'RE NEAR...Whoo-hoo...sent the people at the altar pumping for more adrenaline..man, it was a wave of people jumping all with their hands raised and neck stretched!! Man I dunno how else to explain,...even the percussionist, Khai-Boy..was like..."Man the people was RAWKING the place dudes!!!"

Serious..we featured a lot of our songs, written and composed by our very own people, and I reali must thank God for all those talents that He has given to Calvary youth! And of course for those who'd availed themselves for the Glory of GOd, in serving Him thru this concert, I salute you!! Bein part of this team, I know we went thru a lot before finalizing all the decisions and the arrangements, evn deciding wat to wear was an issue....but hey, look at us, we all look great that nite. Doesn't that ring a bell? It will eventually be ok, God will take care of us...worry not my dears!!! 

OK..wher was I? Oh yea...Now That YOu're Near sent the crowd takin off the ground, then the second hit, DEEP END, by Calvary Youth Music was another SHAKER!! The song was so easy, with little words but strong and impressive ones...in art, the concept is called...Less IS More!! See the link!!?

More of You, Less of me, More of  You, Less of me in my life Jesus please,...

and the notable bridge..

I'm ready for this now...I'm ready for this now...I;m ready for this now..

 These lines alone already blast the crowd rawkin the sanctuary!! Praise you JESUS, for such an inspired, well written song! Sheryl...keep it up!!

Then when Everything To Me finally filled the speakers, the singers and the choirs were so co-operative...man we did the SWAYING of the hips...it was just hillarious and....all I can say is that...all of us was having fun!!! It was just a very spontaneous thing Jeremy and I thought about..and man, WE did it...it came to pass...whoo-hoo..!!! MuahahahhaHahahhahaaaaa....Then another number written and performed by Jeremy was Praise..this song, also fetched compliments from how many people I dunno..but the last time I checked, someone came up and said, "Man, this song was written by CYM?!?!?!? I thought it was by Hillsong or wat?!?!?".....man, I dunno if any Hillsongs' heard of this, how would they respond!?!?!   ...Anyway, wat i wanted to say is that, again, God has blessed the youths of Calvary richly...reali..and you guys that has worked so hard, God is reali blessing people with what you've done...so keep it up, and maintain the standard that you have for God..it will not come back in vain...

WE finally toned it down with Aileen, the one with a soft and sort of child like voice, leadin the next song, All I Want Is You, by Planet Shakers. Dude, it was beautiful...she was a natural...then slowly..the worship songs filled in one by one. I was leadin the following song, Friend of God, another CYM song. Thank you Sheryl for givin me this song to sing...I like it..and yea...I finally got the last line...You came down to rescue me..it wasn that hard anymore..... Our next soloist, Raymond, aka the Vibrato finally took his rightful place, leadin both songs King of Love, Hillsongs and Friend of Sinners, CYM. With God in his heart, and a voice like Groban, he definately has vibrated hearts of many ...well done!! And of course I'm not done yet!! Friend of Sinners, is a special number, wherby it featured the CHOIR..and all the CHOIR people say.......WHOOOOOOOOOOhOOOOOOOOHOHOHHOHooooooooooo At the bridge of the song, we broke into the old hymms, When I Survey. Oh my! Oh my! The parts we broke into was just aesthetically pleasing..not sight, but the voice of the people...special thanks to the Choir directors, who work extra hard to write down the scores and helpin them to remember their parts. Good job Sheryl, Kevin and Aileen!!

Then..this part...aiyo...it's a miscomm la...wat a misapprehension!! D'OH!!! Man...i dunno what i was thinkin...seriously Joel, I reali thought u lipped "Lead Me On" to me ok...I'm serious...and then, when i saw the screen, showed Lead Me On..I thought I got u correctly...Aiyo...Aileen...I'm so sorry...I reali am...aiyo...now i feel like so dumb.....man, I can so imagine what the guys told me, what Sheryl was sayin when we'r up ther performing this beautiful mistake...

Sheryl: Aiyo..this Serene ar....it's Deeply in Love...look here...look here...it's deeply in love!!

...somewher up the second tier of the stage...

Jeremy: Deeply In love...Deeply In Love

Joel: It;s Deeply In Love...Deeply In Love...

Serene and Aileen...blurred at the moment...screen still say Lead Me On....

aiyo....the rest was just history la....Man,....I am laughin now...as i thought bac wat happened that faithful nite!!! URHG!!!!!! Neway...it was okay after that la...I sang the song...aiyo...I feel so bad la...Aileen...I'm sorry...reali I am...I buy u subway cookies ok...???

Then worship ended with LEad Me On..that is also another CYM song, written by Mich, the piano genius. A song that has touched and moved many hearts....check out the lyrics....

You lead me on, event hough I always stumble,                                         You lead me on, when all things around me crumble,                                You lead me on, You're the strength of my heart,                                       I love You Lord,                                                                                           I need You Lord,                                                                                          I trust You Lord,                                                                                           To lead me on.

What do you say people..short and sincere and all I can say is that...a heartfelt song....bravo Mich..brovo...

Then, we took a break. Ps Richard came up and spoke. He shared of the issues of youths nowadays, takin the scriptures from Romans...the famous line

Romans 7:15 I do not  understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

And as he elaborated, that sometimes we feel like we're in bondage..like things we know we shouldn't be doin, we;re doin it..and finally gave the call of salvation....many responded...!!! This year, I dunno, tho in numbers, we had some 800 ppl in the house, but the amount of youths attending were a lot more, and that's not it...the thing was that, the response to salvation was more compared to last year's. And that is good!! Praise the LORD!!!! Some 20 over souls were SAVED!! And many others..of which i dun hav the number yet came out for prayers and rededicated their lives back to God. And ppl, youth..common, this is not the end of concert yet....we all need to follow up on these ppl who responded. Concert was just a tool for us to reach out..so now that we've reached out, it's now time for us to flex those muscles around our mouths and shoulders to extend more than warm hand shakes and talk to them with God's love.

Anyway, soon  the concert was comin to an end. All singers and choir members were called back onto the rightful positions..and there with us were the people out there on the altar who had rededicated their lives to God or came out to receive Christ as their personal Savior, and of course not forgetting the altar workers cum ushers who had corked their *ahem out the whole evenign just to ensure they get their seats and that the respondents got their reponse slips...hey brothers and sisters...you will be rewarded....keep up the good work!!!

The music hit it, bringin the song Slain written by Joel, another CYM prouduction and led by Emilia. I dunno bout u guys, but when I heard er song, I was impress at how she carry the tune..it's not that all of us are professionals...no, no...we're still far...but it's the attitude and the heart that projected to God that was what captured my heart...Emy dear...you sang well..reali...thumbs UP!!! Then finally, BIG kicked in with the amps screaming its bassy wave, and Jeremy, Julie, and myself took our positions in YEAHING the song in PARTS!!! Can you believe it?!?!?! ...Man I had a good time up there!!! Thanks to the musicians who stayed at the back of the stage silent yet makin beautiful noise which bring up the music to where we went on that faithful night. Michelle, as lead keyboardist [da'Piano Genius], Jen 2nd keyboard, Chew on electric, Siew on acoustic, Baryy on bass, Ken on drums and finally, percussion boy..Khai. Fellow musicians..what can I say...THANK YOU for availing yourself to make music for God and using what God has imparted in your lives to bless His people!!!! Don't ever lose it, continue to climb higher heights which God will bring in people to support and encourage you!!

Neway, back to where I'm about to end..probably another paragraph or two..lalala...it's my blog..so i dun care...I'm just gonna blog in as much details as i can remember...WHOO-HOO!!! So..after Big, One Way was the last number, Joel forwarded as Julie made way and Ken just came in with the steady beat of the drums, building the tempo of the song. And I dun need to explain, the crowd was there jumpin and goin bizarred as we slowly lead them to the peak!! Everyone at the altar was just jumpin and praisin in liberation!! As tho nuthing could stop them from doin it. Then, there came the time when the 3 of us, Joel, Jeremy and myself did the Triple JUMP!! I can't remember whether was it this song, or Now That You're Near..reali..can't remember. It was spontaneous ok..reali!! WE tot Jeremy wanna make his jump, so Joel and I made way..but no, Jeremy signalled let's do it together, so alright...I joined in and there we go....ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!!...and JUMP...ONE WAY!! JESUS!! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT I COULD LIVE FOR!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Obviously, like I was saying, that wasn't the WRAP-UP of the evening!! WE did another song, or two..can't remember also by now..was a little confused by it..but I knew we did Everything To Me, and i think Now That You're Near and finally that was the end...the end of the months of practising, and perfecting your pitch..and u know wat...DAvid told me that we stillsing off-pitch!!! Give it up already....hahahha.....but it was all good...it was all good.  Good enough to do what God has intended it to be...the people that came to worship Him with us, the people that responded to the altar, the people that make themselves right before goin up on stage, the bonds that has build themselves among friends, a faith that has deepened due to so many unforeseen circumstances...it's good, it's good!!

Mind me if this blog mite sound glorifyin music more than God, but to me, it has spoken to more people than I ever could, changed the hearts of many who need a specific touch than I could imagine..why?...simply because it didn't come from us...

Music isn't everything...it's just a tool God has provided us, given to each and everyone of us with a specific measure and purpose.

Whoa..what can I say? It's a saturday noon, and guez wat, I'm home, in Pg. Not that it is odd to be home, but it's kinda odd to be home in Pg at this hour of the day. Not in my usual schedule, Sat..I can't remember the last time i spent my sat at home. Must be like almost 8-9years..hahaha..For those who don't know, I'd unjured myself since last Sun, both my legs were infected with Bilateral Cellulitis, other terms known as, infected by 'Flesh Eating Bacteria'..uhuh, sound scary huh? Well, if u did see my legs, you would be scared too..both my legs were swollen, BIG time, both my ankles were like whoa!! Sigh...it was embarrassing!! 

Originally, the plan was that I was to come back for only 1day, to have an ultimate dinner with my family to celebrate both my parens birthdays, and also the dated mothers' and fathers'day..but whadaya know??!!  I'v been here for almost a week and the only place tht I had visited more than twice is the doctor's place.  Sigh...and shakes my head...dinno whether to laugh or to cry for myself. I was told to rest most f the time, with my legs raised higher than my head..and so i did..n it was tough. For a person like me, it was reali killin me..I can't do this and that...can't evn drive..can't even like..walk down and up the stairs with the help of the railings..sigh... Seriously, after this incident, I must pray hard that God will not let me suffer any diseases tat has to do with my mobility..it's just too harsh a punishment for me!!

Somehow, the one person out of many others that are kinda happy of my state would be my aunt. Knowing the condition of my legs and that the only way to cure my legs is to rest and not to go anywher...my aunt told me this..."wat a good way to ground you..hahahaha" I reali had to admit, if I'd be her, I would be sayin the same thing...Everyday is just to wake up, brush up, hav breakfast, have my medicine, watch tv..then lunch, then more tv, then dinner...sigh...it's reali boring. Must honestl, must thanks those who kept me company thru smses, and calls...I'm so touhed...reali...thanks man. And obviously, my guest that eventuall turned a Nurse when we all found out about my mishaps...Ms Chong....hahahhah...Sheryl...thank you for stayin by...reali appreciated it...reali. Thanks a lot for everything!! I'm so sorry that I din hav the opportunity to bring u around and also to see your uncle...my deepest apology.

Other than that, life has been okay. Just hoping that I will get better fast so that I could go back to KL and then to complete my asignments asap. I have tons of wrk in which i still yet to touch them...evn right now, if it's not the laptop, I wun be able to evn write anything. So, everyone...have a great day. I miss CA and CCSM...sigh...saturday has been so different without it!...

- You reali can complain tat you have no shoes, until you see someone with no feet - think about it, sometimes we just forget

..hmmm...it's been awhile..since I last pen in...was reali busy. Cudn't believe myself just the past Tues I came home with 12 color marker renderings, and six simplified drawings...think I'll be goin crazy this weekend. But , I'm not here to complain..the main reason why I wanna write today is that..well...it's sorta like a revelation that God has revealed to me the past Sun. Well, I was havin lunch with a fren, Jeanie..can u believe it, the date was set like since last year, and it has only came to pass a few days ago...wat a...nvm....

Neway, we caught up on the time we haven been updating each other..and it was because of that, somehow God led us to talk bout an issue that has been bothering me since like I can't remember when...reali...if I'm not wrong..should be since beginning of this year...so..let me begin..

I am just a girl that one of my friend Raymond has described that I'm actually like a sponge. A sponge that is not so soft, but one will definitely need to make some effort in order to squeeze the sponge. And it's true...I'm like that...So many times I'd asked my friends what they perceived of me? Most would say, very confident, which I am..and strong, reliable, independent and so on and so forth. Well, actually what they said is all true..but deep inside I dun want that...I dun want ppl to think of me as such a person, cuz I know with such character perceived, ppl will assume that I can take a lot of things...like pressure, like ignorance, insensitivity,...

I know myself full well, to be honest, I love the limelight. I realised this when i knew how to make jokes and act, when my bro and I would remember the lines from Jackie Chan's kung-fu movie and we'll both act in front of my grand parents to make them laugh. This part of me also came from the Sanguine inside me, which sometimes I think it is so strong that it is driving me nuts. Like when I don't have the attention I need, I will feel left out, not needed and not belonged...and eventually, I harvested a field of bitterness and I looked very deep inwards to myself...and thereafter, I lost my focus...which at that time I still make myself believed that I'm ok.

Anyway, as the clock ticks, I somehow learnt to overcome the fear of rejection inside me. I learnt to enjoy by bein alone, spending time with myself, doin reflections and to do some thinking. But everytime when i talk to God, I felt the lack of faith that God is listenin to me..it's strange...I know God was ther, and was listening...but I just felt as tho He is so far...or was it only me? I dunno...but thank God for the Holp Spirit, I just knew that God will reveal to me in His own time...and finally...yes!!! He did it!!

One of the final questions that bothered me like crazy before the comin of this revelation is this : Who am I? Am I who I am because of what others had perceived me? Or am I who I am because of who I am? It's just a simple complications I had in my mind about a month ago..reali...I could still remember Sheryl and I was talkin about it...reali...We were both thinkin hard...The reason why I was kinda downcasted was because, I felt like I have no friends in college...like my another fren in coll who shared the same thing as I. I was feelin that no one actually cares...reali...Whether I do my work or if I attend college...no one cares..reali. And I dun feel belonged..and my greatest problem was that..I felt that I dun fit in...I dunno if it is the truth..cuz I'm facin that each day I go college...And I was asking God about it...."God, why??? You placed me there...and not that I'm there...why aren't You doin anything? Why do I hav to go thru this? And u dun evn give me someone whom I can share comfortably with? And You hav to make me feel like an alien and then to undergo the feelin of bein rejected and not wanted?!?!?" I could remember myslef bombarding God will all sorts a questions...quietly..everyday as I prepared myself to go coll, I just dun feel like goin..it was such a drag...and when I see ppl havin fun with their frens and within their grp of frens..I just felt so left out..

And because I dun wanna feel this awful feelin again and I wanna improve myself in college, I started to be nice, and to be like them in order to gain approval..but then soon I tire out...main reason was that I wasn't being myself..and that hurts!! It hurt so much to see myself being alone...but it hurt evn more when I start to behave not like myself and to top it off when I dun evn get approval from them. The approval is not like they verbally voice it out...no..not like that...it's more to like...bein accepted in the group or not...I was reali fed up...not with them...but more to with myself. I felt like a complete idiot and moron!!! And my final decision was that...THAT'S IT!!! I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING!!

But you know what?! God is ever so faithful...just as I thought I was gonna give up...He came...and rescued me from the pit!! The point whereby the revelation was found was when I told Jeanin about the WHO AM I issue....You see, I care too much wat ppl think and what I think of myself...and I totally forgot about God....n yet during that time when I was discussin with Sheryl, a thought came to me...who you are is not determined by the people around you, but the ONE that lives in you...yet, at that time, I couldn't understand the joy of the revelation...I was so blind...I was too inward looking!!!

Talkin to Jeanie was like, a whack at the back of my head and that suddenly...."I can see the light!!" kinda thing...so the conclusion was...it's not a question of Who am I? or What others think of me? But it is more to Who do I wanna become? Simple right? Yet complex when i was unable to comprehend. Well, I must say that this post is kinda personal...so, whoever that reads it, I just hope that...err..u've seen another side of me, a glimmer...i dunno. Mebbe u mite think of me differently now...but, ........... I'm not boasting...I am just writing the truth of myself, sincerely...honestly, transparent. I do believe also, that if u actually get to read this, you're either one of my close frens, or my closest frens....LOL...

Sincerely,

Serene...

- Life is a constant struggle, but God's grace surrounds you,            don't feel too small or too little, for all that God ask...is just you - 

It's now 1.55pm.

I looked out the window, the flags on the poles beating smoothly as the wind blew...and it made me wonder, sometimes, life is something like that. U know, the ways of the world, the influences of the people around u, whether it is good or bad, the new angles and horizons that u see as u grow up, beliefs that your friends share with you, values and faiths and habits or even just as simple as kindness..or initiatives and just the way your frens or people out there are....are the potential winds that blow u eachday.

Many of us, are shaped and cultured as we grow up by the people around us, sometimes it is just the TV..haha...whereby cartoons and action heroes are one that we could be identified with..haha...So, believe it or not, that is wat we are today, obviously, as u grow up, you wun just wear your red underwear outside...and you obviously know that u can't fly no matter how much u try...Things change..and sometimes..for better or for worse...only those who stayed long enough will know.

As I give myself a little longer thought, I feel like, lately, I've been like that flag, that has been caught, left and right as the winds blow. And the pole is wat I am actually holding and relying. The winds blew hard sometimes...and I just hope that the colth of the flag will not give way. I just dunno how much faith that I have...For...even if jsut one strand out of the weave just decided to let go, sooner or later..it's gonna tear...and when the wind blows again..I will soon go...Gone with the Wind!

Then, in my mind...I saw some other poles that are with me. I know strong winds have been blowing...reali..some stood strong...they hung onto that pole...the one that we alwais trust that will keep us who we are, stretch us up to our highest height. For without it, we can't even hold ourselves up. I was moved and once again encouraged...yet, some gave way..and decided to just let the wind take them to wherever the wind goes. It is sad obviously, to see them...gone, gone with the wind..and only God knows when will we see them again...if ever.

So..if u understand this little short illustration, I just hope that u will keep hangin onto that pole of yours. Let just think carefully, without the pole, you're just a piece of cloth that will never be anything that you are destined to be..hang on tight. It is when the wind blows that the glory the maker gave you will be proclaimed!!  

- Who you are is not determined by the people around you, but the ONE that lives in you -