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sexiKITTENgurl
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Name: Catherine
Birthday: 11/25/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: i love to ice skate. i also love to mess around on the guitar or violin. i love making ppl laugh, painting on t's....i love cats cradle. love listening to them. listen to them at least once a day richard. my love. i can always count on him to make me laugh smile blush and giggle. <3 5-1-6. thanks guys for the memories. i know this is gonna be a awesome summer
Expertise: events coordination
Occupation: Chocolatier
Industry: chocolate
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  atwLOVER
AIM:  Peace69853
Yahoo:  KittyGATO266
Member Since:
1/17/2004
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| new beginningshey. so this is life now. life is....new...to me. richard and i have officially broken up. but were still friends. i still want to be with him. so were starting fresh. and...its working. i dont talk to him a hundred times a day. i talk to him once....at night. hes not.... insecure anymore. we have great funny conversations. when were together, i blush and laugh and smile....he looks at me like he hasn't seen me in years....it's amazing. and just like he said, when he tells me things like he loves or misses me, they make me smile so much. like he told me that earlier, and i got so happy, that i started crying happy tears.....
vday coming up.... fun
3-3-08.....<3
im getting better. prolly gonna transfer from eastern. wanna go to brooklyn college. prolly gonna change my major. maybe ill be an events coordinator. well see......
gonna go for now....gonna listen to sonic youth: teenage riot.....
bye
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| im lost im scared im lonely. but i know this is for the best. how can it be for the best if were not together.... <3 | | |
| here again. not so late. i don't fel myself. everytime i think of rich or talk to him my stomach tightens up. the thoughts of him and the guys goes through my head. my head starts swirling. i feel like im gonna throw up. whats happening to me? to us? he hasnt been able to sleep over...why? i don't know. im sure im over thinking this, but i dont know. i feel like crying. stupid tears. i cry over anything and everything. this shit with the guys. i cant think about it. what if i did make false memories. what if i did kiss him? what if i did "attack" him? what if i didn't? what if he's lying? what if... what iff. what if!. too many what if's. rich promised me today he wouldnt hang out with any girls. i called him around 830, and he was with irene and someone else. that sounds like a girl to me. my stomach went into a tight knot. irene..... who is most liekly on the rebound.....and capable of bouncing on any living thing...including rich. i feel alone. i need a friend.... but.... a new friend....but i dont want a friend. im so sick of arguments, of judgements, of stabbing in the back.... i just feel really alone. i feel like rich and i are falling apart, and theres nothing i can do about it. i know hes at his wits end...but...i dont know what to do. im afraid to hold in tears now. i feel its doing more harm than good. i feel....like... im gonna crumble.....like a cookie....except im not sweet filled. im just me. i feel so guilty about dragging rich on this roller coaster. im afraid to do anything. i want friends, but i dont want to be let down. i want to hang out with rich, but i dont want to fight wiht him. i want to go out, but also dont want to at the same time. i want to go to cali or pr, but then again, dont. what if its not fun? it probably wont be. ive realized a few things. my life is...negative. very negative. so much shit in my daily life. suprised i havent died from negative thouughts bashing around in my head. i wasnt always like this. i use to be a short(er) banged shy girl. i didnt know who i wanted to be, or what to say. i tried so hard to be friends with everyone. but i was an outkast. i was always picked on.... always. small fry... smirf.... short stuff.....plenty of names. then i got to central, and i made something of myself. i gave myself a new personality. tough chick. i was gothic the first 2 months of school. then preppy. then ghetto. then whatever. now.... i have no realy friends. my friends dont call me to hang out. i have to fight my boyfriends friends to be able to see him. now richs uncle has died.... and he has to go to ny. i feel so awful. but deep down inside...i feel selfish. i want to spend time with him. and i get mad that he has to go to ny. but then again i dont. i dont want to see him. im angry at him, upset about my situation, scared about everything. everything in life. i feel like the person that was controlling my life.... left the controller and went to eat. come back! i cant decide anything. i havent been hungry in 2 days. ive lost my appetite. i have to force food down. i always have dry mouth. my eyes are always watery because i cant stop crying. if i sit still enough, i start bawling like someone had died. but maybe thats what it is. maybe im mourning my own death. my soul....my not being myself. reading those books on depressioin....i use to see things that could help me. now ive lost my will...my....enthusiasm....my... how do you say.....reason? i dont know. ive just lost the reason for rolling out of bed anymore. fucking tears.... WHY WONT YOU STOP!? arlene took me on a $40shopping spree for shit for my harry potter costume. in the store i was slightly excited. excited enough to run around the store, compare prices on certain items, and buy stuff. now home, i dont have energy to lift a finger to even attempt to put my costume together. i jsut wanna...lay down and die. harsh i know. i have no thoughts of suicide. none at all. no thoughts of wrist cutting or wrist banging. i just sometimes wonder how.....i dont even have a word for it.... how.... beautifull.....death would be. i dont do anything. ive applied to at least 25 jobs. none will take me. the jobs that i can get i dont want. maybe i should work at my camp again? or go to whyy camp. nah. dont wanna do either. well i do....but i just dont feel like it. tears....more tears....i wish it were freshman year. so that i could fix my life. i would redo everything. fix everything. choose better friends.... or atleast the ones that i have now....make it better with them....be more involved with them. do all of my work and homeowrk so that i had better grades, better sats, better love life.... ask rich out earlier. not do any stupid shit. not get drunk. my life is.... nothing but a disapointment. it is filled with dissapointing memories.....
off to bed....to melt into my mattress......and cry some more. i wonder what thoughts ill think tonight ......or what nightmare ill wake up sweating tomorrow from....
night....
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| i'm sitting here. i cant sleep. did my nails....i never do my nails. not a french manicure. i even did a french pedicure. how pathetic. my mind is racing. listening to blue light. i feel scared. i feel empty. cold. hungry. i often wonder if people have my perspective of life sometimes. do you ever just look in the mirror, look at yourself and are amazed at how you look. like...i cant describe it. like i look at myself and think...thats me. thats what other people see. sometimes i forget what i look like. i sometimes try to see myself through other peoples eyes.... not just myself, but everything. i dont know. i think i think too much. college is coming. w.e. ill deal with that then. my depression lingers like an awful cold. theres nothing you can really do to get rid of it. you can try and soothe yourself, but nothing works for me, so im waiting... or at least going to find a new doctor. i miss rich. i hate that we fight about stupid shit. =( i wish we were older. that we were past all this. i wish we were 30, in a house, and that we had a little girl. i saw his co workers daughter, and she was adorable. i dont want a little girl at this age, but when im older, i want a little girl. what do i do? how the FUCK do i get out of this depression. im sick of waking up some days and my head is telling me i dont love rich. that feeling in my stomach of utter loneliness...as my head begins swirling, "what if thats true". how do you stop thinking?
do you ever narrate your life. when im bored i do. And as Catherine was typing on her laptop, the music got so loud that her windows rumbled with the beat of the bass drum. staring at the clouds she felt her thoughts melt away.
what do i do? sometimes i feel so sure of myself, of everything, and other times, i feel so lost. i hate questioning everything...i hate it. rich....what do i do? how can i help us? im trying so hard lately not to get angry, not to get frustrated. but it seems lately you've been picking up where ive left off, letting everything get to you.
my legs hurt. stupid growing pains....
im tired. im tired of everything. college and shit. depression and shit. rich and i arguing. im not asking for everyhting to be perfect anymore. i just....i want it to be semi-normal. i just want to not be depressed anymore. ive goe back to not tasting anything anymore... *sighs*. if depression was a person, id hack off its head. i need to join bally's or something. something where i can hit things...to relieve stress and anger.
i dont feel like writing anymore. my stomach hurts. stupid thoughts.....
i love you rich. you may not believe it, but i do. <3
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| yesterday night hung out with ppk rich paul emmett noah kendra harry irene charlotte jesse um.... edna and paul and ppl lol. it was fun. i was the only sober one but it was still fun none the less. rich was really drunk and really funny. <3 anywhoo then we came home and we slept in my bed and my mom woke us up and yelled that rich would be late for work. he wsa adorable this morning. he was so tired an so hung over. i love sleeping in bed with him. its comfy and warm. =) yay bed. i only wish my bed were bigger. he always seems so skwunched up. im eating ice cream. mm. i cant wait to go back to school. yearbooks.... pictures from prom. =) prom was fun. im not upset that itts over. its was really fun after all, and rich and i may go to JP and SP next year thanks to ppl like scott and alex and julie and paul so yay. ok gonna go bye bye ps yesterday was the first day in a while rich and i didnt bicker at all! | | |
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