|
sexing_the_cherry
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Zahra
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Emporia
Birthday: 11/15/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: God | art (pencil.charcoal.oils) | debate | feminism | music | my beautiful girls | resistance | moans & sighs | ripped jeans | stargazing | photography | skinny-dipping | belly buttons | rainbows | and the like.
Expertise: being difficult
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  verde dionysus
Yahoo:  virgis_dionysus
Member Since:
6/20/2005
|
|
| I'm sitting here on the couch, watching Dr. Phil and reading Jezebel, and suddenly I panicked. "Crap, what should I be doing right now?" Out of habit, I felt guilty for doing nothing, for sitting here relaxing and planning on wasting my whole evening on laziness and dinner. And, granted, there are things I need to do this weekend, but I'm not frantic and there's no rush. I can relax. And watch Dr. Phil. And make a nice happy dinner. Tomorrow, I'll sleep in, throw some things in the crock pot, see Maryam in Topeka, come home and I'll have dinner waiting for me. I'll be productive and calm.
I need this weekend for myself. I'm so happy. All of the busy-ness makes me appreciate the ability to just sit my ass down on the couch and not have to stress about what I should be doing. School is so hard, but life is good.
Today, I got my first ever paycheck from a pharmacy. For the first time, I'm making more than eight-something an hour. Sometimes, I feel like an adult.
Even though I need this weekend, I can't wait for Monday. I know it sounds ridiculous, but my order from Hobby Lobby will be in, and I have big plans for those little photo boxes. I feel in control of my life, strangely. I love it. And I'm going to love going to bed around 10 or 11 on a Friday night. I'm boring, and I don't care. Life is hard, but good.
| | |
| Time to purge.
This week has been awful, but cathartic. I feel refreshed, having gotten through it, but 3 exams and 3 quizzes in one week is exhausting. I am completely wiped out, and beware, I am crying at the drop of a hat. The fact that Grey's Anatomy was on tonight was not great timing, but I just love that show and I love being wrapped up emotionally in a good storyline--that's also one of many reasons why I liked the Golden Compass series so much. I digress.
For a long time, I've had little tics that I mostly just thought were like...nail-biting. Irritating habits, but just that: habits. And they are mostly harmless, but this week especially, they don't seem quite so innocuous. First of all, I've gnawed on my cheeks for as long as I can remember. I have built up so much damaged tissue in my mouth, and so I keep doing it, to smooth out the rougher tissue--it's a self-perpetuating habit, and it's so hard to break. You can do all kinds of things to stop biting your nails, but my cheeks are right there by my teeth, and I can feel the scar tissue all day long. Whether I'm biting or not, I also clench my jaw. Today, my whole skull aches from the clenching and unclenching. I'm not really grinding my teeth, and none of this happens at night, so I'm not too worried about dental damage. But after googling the cheek-biting thing, I have something else to worry about. Apparently, all the damage caused can lead to oral cancer. Given my science background, I understand why this might be true. The more you damage cells, the more they need to be rebuilt. More cell growth means increased chances of mistakes in the process. So now I'm extra-freaked out. And even so, I can't stop. I will not even be aware that I'm doing the cheek-biting thing, and all of a sudden, the pain and sometimes the taste of blood will call my attention to it.
That sounds horrific. And those aren't even my only tics. This week has called my attention to more. I've gone all this time thinking I have restless leg syndrome, so all night, I'll be flexing my legs and tossing and turning. Then, in the morning, they'll ache, calling my attention to the weird tingling sensation, and the urge to move. Before, the RLS has only been at night, but for the past couple of weeks--for the first time ever--I've been feeling the urge to move while I'm sitting in class. I'm sore all the time. And now, I get to add a new tic to the list: fist-clenching. My hands hurt from clenching and unclenching them all day. It's like every problem I have is a variation of the same thing, so my whole body aches. My knuckles hurt, my hands feel tired, and I can't focus on anything.
And I don't know how to stop. Even as I wrote all this, I've been doing all of the above. It's just so hard to stop, and I can't explain it. It's all been so overwhelming this week, and I have a feeling that since pharmacy school is never going to get any easier, that it might be something I should be more proactive about. I don't know. Something needs to be done.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am a worrier. It's what I do. And all this weirdness is exhausting me. I'm so so tired. Elated that the week is functionally over, and looking forward to fall break and the 3P mixer. I'd like to see some science nerds' faces get shitted. Hahahaha.
| | |
| While studying this morning (DNA replication, recombination, and repair!), I had the TV on--I can't stand total silence. I've realized I have a thing for documentaries and non-fiction TV, much to Jordan's dismay. Anyway, there was a documentary on about a cosmetology school in Afghanistan, which is really irrelevant to the point of this post. Anyway, one of the women invited the show into her home, where she also had a room set aside to function as her salon. In true brown person fashion, the family also made a gigantic lunch and fed the whole camera crew, etc. The camera panned across the whole table spread on the floor, and I just got so terribly homesick. Giant platters full of steaming rice, blushing with saffron and butter; kabob and chicken and stew; too-sweet and too-carbonated bottles of Zam-Zam and middle-eastern Coke; and, of course, the noise, the busy-ness, the zillions of people, the never-ending hospitality. I miss it all...
I wish that I could take Jordan the next time we go, but that would still be several years away, and I'm hoping we'll go back sooner than that. I just desperately need him to see my family, my culture, a part of my life with which I so strongly identify.
Homesick and waiting for the future to get here already.
| | |
| I may pay for saying this, and I may be burning some bridges, but I would be compromising my integrity if I do not say it. And I refuse to be silenced just to ensure that people like me.
And if you are the kind of person who tells me how much you love me but tells everyone else that I am "psychotic," then I honestly don't want to be liked by a person like you.
Here goes.
Our relationship is none of your business. Unless you are a party in the relationship--which you are most assuredly not--then you may not presume to think that you know the first thing about our personal lives. You may not pass judgment on our relationship, and you may not call me names and try to alienate my partner from me. You can not live your life in such a fraudulent manner and expect people to be fine with it. I am fully informed about how much the community I used to call home values arrogance, rudeness, and all-around mean-spiritedness. And now I see, all too clearly, how much you value those things, too.
Oh, and when people are vague about things about which you are being nosy--like by using the phrase "trust issues," for example--what they're really saying is "it's none of your damn business." Jumping to conclusions gets you nowhere, and makes you seem outright mean. You do not care who you hurt, or why they are hurting. And as much as I hate to admit that you have some control over my emotions, you do. I thought you were a friend--you certainly piled on the praise as if your life depended on it, and believed perhaps you really liked me--and when the sorts of things you said come from someone who claims to be a friend, then yes, I will admit, I am hurt.
But know this: you are wrong about absolutely everything. You are irresponsible, unprofessional, and you crossed too many lines. You may not take someone's property just because you are jealous that they are not focusing all of their attention on you. You may not refuse to give back their property when they request it--that's called stealing. You may not remove the single lifeline of a long-distance relationship, you heinous excuse for a friend. I thought, of all the people around Jordan, I could trust the "adults." Silly me, to forget what community we're talking about here. I don't have the words to describe what you are and what you've done. You can't possibly know. And if you do know the damage that you've done, you are simply evil.
I thought you were a friend. And you showed me last night that you are not. And I am incredibly hurt.
There. At least I told you what you are where you can see it, instead of behind your back.
| | |
| The debate season is starting up again. I don't know what else to say. I should be studying right now, but I'm too busy feeling like the air has been sucked out of my apartment. The loneliness is so familiar but I'm not any more ready for it than I was the first time around...or the second. This is our third debate season together, and anticipating it has taken its toll on me already. This year, Jordan and I will be apart for Halloween (probably), my birthday, and our two-year anniversary. Realizing these things so much in advance was a mistake.
It is my autumnal resolution to be more optimistic, or at least more distracted, while Jordan is away. Of course, pharmacy school is going to keep me super busy all on its own, but I am also more in charge of Salon Nouveau this year since I don't need training wheels anymore. I think I'm also going to try running for an office in Kappa Epsilon, although I don't yet know how feasible that is, since I'm just a 3P. And, of course, my newly attained job. I'm not really certain if I'm allowed to talk about its specifics just yet, but I am still so excited to start this Friday. It's strange--I heard about the job a week ago, applied last Wednesday, interviewed Friday morning, and got the job Friday evening. Today, I got my schedule (only 8 hours a week) which is hopefully just a starting point because I'd really like a few more hours per week. But easing into it will definitely be for the best. I really want to impress my employer and be a fast learner. So I have more than enough to keep me busy, but at the same time, doing so many things will be super lonely. I know I just said I'd focus on optimism, but we'll also be apart for my first Salon Nouveau of the year. I just want to make him proud.
I should be studying right now for my first biochem exam, but I'm xanga-ing instead. I'm watching House MD again, though, so that almost counts as studying. Surely. I'm still trying to be optimistic--although you'd never guess--but I feel like Jordan and I really need to be together right now. We, like anyone else, have a few things we need to work on, and more time apart than usual is tougher on me at the moment.
I need to remember to get my pants tailored tomorrow so that they'll be ready to wear for the professionalism convocation or my pledging ceremony. I knew pharmacy school was going to be expensive, but it's tricky to foresee all the random little costs--some professional attire, membership dues to various organizations, eventual cost of commuting to and from KU Med Center, etc etc. It's hard to keep up.
I'm so glad I have Coriander. She's wishing her papa happy birthday.
Random thought: When I eventually get married, many years down the road, I hope that someone is kind enough to warn me if my dress is super-ugly BEFORE I actually wear it to the wedding. Just saying.
| | |
|
