Alright folks. Today I found out that I got a scholarship from the American Nuclear Society (ANS).
Only 7 people in the nation got the scholarship. My name will be printed in two ANS publications this summer because of it. While I don't think this is the reason I got the scholarship, here's the essay I wrote for it, per request that I post it.
When Carl Jung stated, “as far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being,” he was probably not talking about nuclear engineers. However, as I consider my academic and career goals for the future, I realize that I am in fact trying to “kindle a light in the darkness of mere being” through enriching both the world and myself. I will enrich myself through education, and I will enrich the world through the applications of my education.
I plan to enrich myself through education. Beginning next year I will be pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree in nuclear engineering, with a concentration in plasma and fusion science and engineering. This education will enhance my mind by giving me knowledge and understanding of nuclear processes, something in which I became interested through my high school’s advanced placement chemistry course junior year. Additionally, because I am entering an engineering program, one goal will be gaining knowledge of practical applications of this information. In addition to the classes I will be attending to earn my degree, I plan on participating in undergraduate research on campus. This will enrich me through giving me the hands-on experience to enforce what I learn in classes and textbooks as well as give me a different perspective on the knowledge.
In addition to enriching myself through education, I intend to use my education to improve the world. During college, I plan on partaking in the program “Engineers without Borders,” in which students use the concepts of engineering for international development. This way, I will be directly improving the world by increasing the quality of life for those who are impacted by the project in which I participate. After my formal education is complete, I will pursue a career in research that uses the ideas of plasma and fusion science and engineering for energy applications. As we deplete our natural energy resources and destroy our environment, the search for a renewable, environment-friendly energy source becomes more desperate. The answer to our problems may lie in nuclear processes, and I plan on working towards this goal in my research.
Thus, my plans for the future involve enriching myself through education and enriching the world through relief work and research, in order to “kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.”
It's a translation of a description of a painting of a picture from long ago.
That's how I feel right now. Simply disconnected. Like I'm getting some garbled version of life, and I understand the general gist of how it's supposed to be, but I'm missing a lot of the important stuff. I understand that I'm supposed to care about certain things. That I'm supposed to study for tests. That I'm supposed to try to not hurt people. That I'm supposed to care about certain people. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do so.
I know what/who I want to be, ideally. I just don't know how to do it. I know I want to be beautiful and create beautiful things. (To that end I signed up for a ballet class starting next Tuesday. I'm not sure how that's going to work out.) I want to bring joy to people, and to the world. (To that end, I volunteer at various places. Namely the Illinois Branch of the International Dyslexia Association. But doing office work for some association in which I don't really have any interest doesn't really make me feel like I'm doing anything good for the world.) I want to be happy. Most of all, I want to care. I want to prevent myself from doing stupid things, but I just can't seem to find the willpower/strength within myself to do any of these things. It's much easier to shut everyone out.
I've lost interest in the things I used to really care about. And the people I used to really care about. And everything that I used to enjoy immensely. I just can't seem to maintain the attention span to read a book that I used to love. Or to write a nice story. I have even stopped enjoying physical pleasures. I don't like eating as much as I used to. (Therefore I don't like cooking anymore, as it is not nearly as rewarding as it used to be.) I hate sleeping. Even exercise is just blah. I'm such a tactile person, and I don't even enjoy playing with Play-Doh any more.
I just feel out of touch with the world and with myself. I feel shut out, even though I'm pretty sure that I'm the one doing the shutting out. It's too difficult to be sappy and open and honest with people. Sincerity blows. I'd much rather be a bitch, and make sure that they dislike me and that no one wants to be around me. And then I feel sad and lonely and pathetic, wishing I hadn't been a bitch, but all the while knowing that there's no other way for me to be. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not eloquent. I think it would just end up sounding like a translation of a description of a painting of a picture from long ago.
I think the worst part is that no one is going to read this. And that sucks.
This is my favorite song...the video kinda makes me sad though, but I really like it
There's something wrong with me.
Man, it's so nice to have the day off from school today. Honestly. Oh, and I did my calc homework last night! Can you believe it? It's like the first time I've done calc homework at home in a long time. Anyway, this weekend has been great. A lot of rest and relaxation. Yesterday I saw Othello at the Chicago Shakepseare Theater, and that was really good. This morning I went and got my teeth straightened and then my mom took me out to breakfast. Then I was going to go beat up Christine and Renee with cardboard, but they're both sick! (That didn't stop Renee from going to Othello yesterday, but Christine is really sick.) If I was a good friend I'd make them some soup or something.
Now I'm sitting in the kitchen wishin' I was living like a hitman.
(Remind me never to do a video search of "hotwax" ever again...)
So I definitely did not fail that physics test...I actually ended up getting 39/40 (but on edline it says 39/38, so I guess he's curving it...), so I am very pleased with that. It brought my grade up to a 94.9%. I seriously can't believe how intensely I dominated that.
However, the stats test was not nearly as good...
Today was an okay day, I guess. I was really tired. And I spilled my tea in RTE this morning. There wasn't a whole lot left though.
But I hate it when you have one of those days where you can't stop thinking about how crappy the day before was (although my day wasn't as bad as that xanga post from last night...last night was just like exceptionally bad...worse than the day...so I guess I was more thinking about how horrible last night was than how horrible yesterday was), and it's just like even though nothing bad is currently happening to you you're just like freaking out and feeling like shit. Then I finished my stats homework and fell asleep. (It's really weird. I feel like I've been sleeping a lot in classes lately. Like I don't remember ever sleeping in classes before senior year, or even before second semester senior year. What the hell is wrong with me?) And after I woke up I was like so groggy. I seriously walked so slowly to psych. It sucked. In psych we did AP practice. In stats class after I found out how much of a failure I truly am in life we flew paper airplanes. Mine didn't fly well at all. I didn't even understand the instructions for making them, so I just kind of winged it (pun intended). Anyway, I wasn't too bummed that it didn't fly well, since I didn't really put much effort into it as it was. Then in senior rhet I aced my spelling test (yes, I am in the second semester of my senior year of high school, and I take spelling tests...oh the joys of I-level classes...), and I got 24/25 on my grammar test (I'd say it's not bad for not having studied). Then in French we watched Les Choristes. Then I ate the portion of my lunch that I didn't eat in my other classes, (I didn't eat breakfast this morning because there were supposed to be bagels and doughnuts (donuts? Idk.) at the Mu Alpha Theta meeting, but when I got there, there was just a box of Munchkins...I felt ripped off and lied to. That was actually the only reason that I went to the meeting. I can't say I'm too worried about getting kicked out of Mu Alpha Theta...) which was just my snow peas. But Scott had bubble tape at lunch and that was amazing. And we chewed it and added it to the pile of gum that is like oozing out of this one locker. I have finally left my mark on Wheaton North High School. Then after lunch I went to physics class, where we went over the homework that I didn't do last night. And I was really dreading getting my test back. And when the teacher was passing them out, he called me up to get mine, and I looked at it, and I was like "is this mine?" because I wrote my name really small on it, and so I just saw the grade and what appeared to be handwriting, but I was positive that I was mistaken. And he was like "yeah, that's yours." And I nearly died right there. So then I had calc. Nothing exciting there. So that was my day. Not really sure why I felt compelled to tell you all of that. But I am now on a three-day weekend. On Sunday I am seeing Othello at the Chicago Shakespeare Theater, and I am really excited about that. I should run tonight. I haven't exercised since Sunday...yikes. I was going to exercise last night, but then I got a babys(h)itting job, and I decided that that was more important. Kids are such bastards. Honestly. As the parents were leaving, the girl pretended to slip on the carpet (isn't there too much friction for that? whatever!) and started crying. And I actually had to physically rip her away from her mother while her mother ran away. (Her mother asked me to do it--I am not a complete bitch. Okay, well I am a complete bitch, but in that instance I wasn't.) I watched Mulan with them and that was fun. I can't believe they have to go to bed at 8. That's ridiculous. After putting them to bed I sat around and ate (and got really depressed, and ate some more...) and watched Mulan, then I came home at 9:00ish and exploded. I watched Scrubs on the computer last night when I knew I should have been sleeping. I really don't know why I did it. And then I thought I'd wake up at 5:00 today (yeah right...I hit the snooze so much that I didn't have time to shower...).
Anyway, this song was stuck in my head all day today. I started listening to it last night when I got depressed. Why am I so emo? Well the music video is really fucked up, but it's a good song.
