..& she disappeared.

got a new xanga.
catch me if you can..

lovelove. <<click it.

school's been okay.. this week went by really fast.
i've been sort of sick though, colds suck quite a bit.

& i got a new phone!
just the same as before..
but this one's name is phillip.
phillip is wonderful indeed, let's just hope he doesn't break.

the mhs orchestras are going to chicago this weekend.
i'm super jealous, i've never been there.
maybe if i would've stuck with violin for another year i could be getting excited & packing right now, oh well.
but a bunch of people are going to be gone:: marti, amanda, zachary, kyle, & bradley.
i will miss them all very, very much.

i'm sorry my entries have been sucking so much lately, there's not much going on in my life right now that's worth writing about.

oh yeahhhh..

i'm standing in the hallway. there are so many people, but i am still so alone. i have on a clear mask, probably a little less than an inch thick. i'm getting strange stares. this is incredibly awkward, both for them and myself. i'm some sort of freak, an outcast. i walk quickly, avoiding their stares.
my first class. have i really been here all week? it feels like the first day all over again. i'm early, but the bell never rings. it's all just a daze, a white blur.
i'm awake.

wilson DIED last nigh ! ' oh-so-tragic. my father is taking me to the store later & hopefully i can get a new phone. otherwise i'm basically stuck with a phone that doesn't work for the next year or so. that'd be just wonderful..

& it's snowing again. it was over 80 degrees tuesday! now it's snowing. it's more like slush, it doesn't freeze when it hits the ground. it'd definately be pretty sweet if it stuck to the ground though. snow in april.. gotta love it.

             i've got a hunger
    twisting my stomach into knots
                      that my tongue was tied off
     my brain's repeating,
                 "if you've got an impulse let it out"
            but they never make it past my mouth..
 

Currently Playing I Don't Know You By Lola Ray see related

it's definately spring now. the temperature was near 75 degrees yesterday, & 70 degrees today. it's also going to be like this tomorrow, then a thunderstorm or 2 on tuesday. it's going to be a gorgeous week.

i love how the weather's put me into such a great mood. it feels almost as though summer's already here, so it's going to kill me when i have to go back to school tomorrow. i wish this weekend would last forever, & right now it seems as though it might. time is standing still, but the moment will soon pass by & i will have to go back to reality. however, i suppose reality isn't as bad as we all make it out to be.

           hopeful dreaming,

    of times before the pain, wishing it was still the same

                    loving, leaving

        round & round & round we go again...

this yellow airplane keeps flying above our house. it's quite loud & maybe it's going to kill us all. us or the mosquitos, one of the two. but it is a wonderful airplane. is it sad that i'm attached to a yellow mosquito airplane? i can still hear it in the distance once in a while.

if you read this, even if i dont speak to you often,
post the best memory that you have of us together.
it can be anything you want good or bad, as long as it happened.
just curious as to what people remember about me.

Currently Playing Room Noises By Eisley telescope eyes <3 see related

i don't want to be just like them. i can't be just like them. i want to be my own person so badly. i don't want to be like "them." i crave individuality, yet i am terrible at not fitting in. i try my hardest to be different, but then at the same time i just want to fit in with all of them also. i feel so terrible at myself when i'm left out, yet when i am included, i find a way out of it. i'm terrible.. i'm my own complete opposite, is that even possible?

relationships. "spring cleaning." why are all of the couples seperating? i think it's 6 gone in the last half month or so. only 2 of the originals are left. it's almost scary, thinking that my relationship could just end so suddenly. i know it most likely will not in the near future, but it will have to end eventually. it's just a matter of time. i'm trying not to be pessimistic, i really am.. it just makes me wonder..

and now, now i can't help but miss the old times. where there were no boyfriends to get in the way of anything. and you never, ever fought with your best friend. you were perfectly happy just being with your friends doing nothing. and you had almost nothing to care about. no worries, no nothing. you were happy, and that's all that there was to it. i'm just really missing all of that right about now. i suppose i shouldn't dwell in the past though, it's just too hard.

some old pictures::




 

i'm alone. i'm cold. i can't seem to warm up anymore. the flame will help to cure my pain for the moment, but that will only be temporary. i'm shaking and crying, but yet i cannot find a problem in my life. i usually absolutely adore being alone, but now it's started to turn bittersweet. and i still isolate myself. i just can't seem to find the perfect inbetween. i have the most wonderful life.. i won't deny that fact, but why can't i seem to be happy anymore? keeping to myself just tends to makes things easier now.

i probably won't be writing in here much anymore. i'm starting to turn to my notebooks instead. it's just easier that way, so the world doesn't have to read all of this.