Man i'm just struggling! I'm not gonna lie i want everything to be perfect, i understand it will never be but i look up to so many strong christain men and wonder can i step up to their level? i have always achieved what i really want to achieve, i have always gotten good enough to excell or turn a few heads at things that interest me but i dont know about this. I m trying to be the best man i can but i slip so much, a few years ago i feel like i could have reached this Godly man state but now i have slept so much i am soaked in sin. i feel like i ve fallen into a hole and am swimming in a pool of greese and oil just swashing in it and when i try to get out i slip back down the edges because im so greased up. I know Jesus takes away all your sin and forget them amd all those church quotes... which i believe dont get me wrong but man its hard! i still have to meet him half way and half way seems like thousands of miles! I try to wear this mask that everythings alright but theirs so many distactions so many addictions weighing me down. Many that i should cut off but they ve settled there so long they feel like they've grown roots into my very spine. they just keep digging deeper and keep hurting me. i can chop them off and show the world that everythings ok but their still their, they grow back. Alcohol, Porn, Popularity, Judging, Worldly puzzles that i have quite conviently bent myself to fitting into to. And WHat I WANT!! What the HELL do i WANT?! I ll tell you! I dont think it sounds like much but it seems futher and futher from Gods plan with every day that passes. Sometimes i just want to look at God and be like What Do you want then!? Just tell me, aparently its nothing near what i want! Cause all i want is an adventure! All i want is a constant rush! I want a wife a wife that loves the lord and loves me. Someone that will make me stronger someone that will complete my adventures with. I want a little house in the country a place where i can fish, roll in the feilds, work the land, see a glimpse of heaven everytime i step outside! A place where i can have kids and my kids will grow up Godly! And you may ask whats stopping you!? And i would reply.. everything! every bit of my being is concreteing itself into place and place of sin a Godless place, where i have placed God aside and tried to do it myself! YOu would probably ask Geeze Jake what happened today, was it bad? and i would reply No it was an ok day. I got to sleep, i got to see my friends, i got to eat with my newly married friends, i got to play basketball. but i did try to make a plan today and my plan sank! I tried to plan a date, with a girl, a girl that i dont know... It frustrates me that everything isnt about me! its a very selfish thing to say and people that know me, know that im not a selfish person but Why!? why oo why cant a plan of mine work to hang out with this girl... Not make out with this girl, not have sex, not even gain a girlfriend, Just hang out with! I just dont see how someone could have so little time. and it pisses me off that i cant be in that time. the funny part is that i dont even really want a relationship right now!! Actually what it comes down to... OOo i this is the funny part of this whole speech... I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT!!! WHats Even funnier is that I Know what God wants. Ha he wants me to dig up the roots from my spine. Thats really what it comes down to! I dont want to give in i want things easy! i am so lazy and so selfish that i want it given to me! Oo its gonna hurt, its gonna feel so bad, not like a hmmm that kinda feels good pain but real pain, the pain that i actually have to see myself as i am! a naked, helpless, scronny man in the fetile position fitting myself into a dark corner grasping my entiridy to the cold floor beneath me... "I am not a Man, but a Worm" -Psalms 22. It really sucks to see myself like this. All these years in church. All these decisions, and the only thing i have left that i am so happy about is that I ve half way saved myself for my wife someday! All other morals have been chewed up and pissed on. I m really just glad there is a God that loves me. A God that has true compassion for me, He feels my pain has been through everything i will ever go through and exceeded it but still feels compassion deep within his gut to love me and claim me! my name is on his hand, i cant imagine tatooing a screw up like me's name on my hand. I hope no one reads this, i know its dark and probably not the most "Christain" thing but i just have to get it out sometimes, it calms me. And its so awesome to feel the progression the more i type the better my prespective gets and the more i reconize that God is extremely intangable and so amazing! 

For some reason lately i have been really good with the ladies. Like in all actuality its been really strange, i randomly got a hot girls number at the bar and she wants to go out. Some girl that was with her family left her number on the table the other day after i served them. Its really been weird all the attention i ve been getting... but tell you the truth i dont care. i mean its cool because i love meeting people but i dont want to build anything with anyone one of them. So then theres Grace, i know i told you earlier i was gonna take a break from talking about girls but i just woke up and... well you'll find out, Grace im not sure how i met her it was through church a few years ago. My buddy Seth tried to hook us up and i think i got her number from him because she left something at my house. But anyways lets talk about this girl named grace that i  just woke up thinking about. So shes gorgeous and her faith and personality makes her so much hotter. She s very adventurist, not a word, everytime im with her i end up off trail down in the woods and having fun in some way that i wouldnt expect. Shes a blast to be around shes very sweet and her family is very cool. But this has been over a few years and for some reason i ve choosen the gradial process to going out. Some how i "tricked' her into being my date for seths wedding and it was fun it could have been better if she stayed longer she had to leave earlier for work... And now we meet the problem. She has no time, well she has no time for me. She goes to a christain school up in Louisville everyday of the week, she works with an older couple at nights and stays with them like 3 days of the week and any other time she has she likes to spend it with her family, very understandable. But it just leaves me wondering how do i start. I think she might have an idea now that i like her going by how much i text her and ask her to do stuff with me, but i dont mind not seeing her all the time i think i could deal with it, not saying the i want to limit my time with her but being with her for an hour is so much more fun and more entertaining than being with my last few dates for 4 or 5 hours. And it also makes our time more precious. I dont know im just talking i dont know whats going on all i know is that when i think about her i just smile, and i know that my dream was all too real.

So onto my dream. I dont know how it started but i was with my church and taking a trip somewhere. And we were running around this nice hotel and i was with grace and somehow we got alone and were exploring the hotel and we were talking close so we could whisper and we kissed it was kind of accidental and then again. Well then we went back to a room with other people and were talking with them and she starts crying and i said do you want to go walk and talk to me about this and she smiles and took my hand and walked down the hallway and said she was happy about it and was hoping it wasnt going to fast and i told her something clever about keeping it slow and we kissed again and we started hanging out and cuddling the rest of the trip and everyone was happy for us... and i remember thinking in my dream? "I'm dating grace now" So then i woke up alil while longer and was upset that it wasnt real! I have never been upset with a dream and im not sure what it means or if it means anything at all. I m really just writing this to vent i have nothing else to do and thought i would type this down. If i keep on having these dreams i can write i love story based on real life dreams!

Today is sunday i went to church i took in the deep message of finding joy in christ and not other things like how my day went or sucess in life. But appearently the roots of the message were shallow compared to my thick headedness. I waited to meet my family to eat, we met at Logans. My grandmother is leaving thursday so my mother wanted a nice meal for us. My brother and sister are so lous and are always crying for attention and so i decided i would say something... so i did and i lechtured and lechtured... but for what? finally my brother just hit my last nerve as he squashed a tomatoe onton the table and said stop and he tested me... i snaped and kicked him in the shin. and told him to stop testing me... The rest of the dinner just went down hill and i had to leave my little sister was crying cause i was being mean my mom just gave me this stare of disapointment and my grandmother asked what was wrong with me today? I dont know what is wrong with me. its not my place to lechture them they dont need anyone else doing that... I drove him quickly so not to shed a tear in public but as soon as i opened my apartment door is was over. i opened my bible and tried to find something to read and i would The salt and the light... what happens to salt when it loses its saltyness, its thrown to the ground to stomped on. I feel like psalms 22 when the writter exclaims But i am not a man but a worm! right now im just cooling off b efore i call them back to meet them, to apologize. I have to be a big enough man to show them i did wrong.

I m also leaving for my bike trip after classes end. So i can keep the insurance and get alittle more training in before i take the plunge.

Lord i dont deserve your Grace. But im so glad i have it. I m glad you long for a relationship with me and dont treate me like i do others!

How do make you one care, how do you push someone to try? Better yet how do you make yourself care? How do you make yourself disciplined when everything seems to be handed to you? Strip yourself of everything but your faith and see how strong your faith really is...

So i failed out of my degree... should i make a commitment to get back in? Should i go for something else? I dont know but i just dont feel like i have the motivation to do anything... how do i create it. it sounds bad but i always start each semester saying this is the year i piece myself together this is the time and i start off well but it drops steadily to i dont care.

I ve been praying alot. I ve been praying for wisdom and strength and i feel like my faith is growing stronger but yet again just not being able to fully let go. I just dont think my parents understand they keep saying when i was young i had to... and it makes me think how much i ve been given and how much i truely think it has corrupted me as a person. i have a whole semster now before i can start this program up again in the fall... what to do...?

well its 3 15 am and im laying here on my couch almost asleep but contiplainting life... I dont know whats in me but i feel like God has placed a rebelious heart within. I ve always wanted to leave this life and just leave everything behind and ride my bike... i can even tell you the day this thought was planted into my head it was my senior year of high school on a church trip back from W.V. just medatating on the ride home and i felt like God had put this on my heart. And looking through my journal i read several post of the same idea... Why not? Why cant i let go and leave... My parents would say its foolish but me finding myself and growing huge amounts of confidence and faith seems nothing but foolish. My adreneline rushes just from the thought of it. Seeing the world from my bike.

My plan would be to leave around march after seths wedding i dont have a home after this point so no rent to pay. Saving up alittle cash and training from now until then on my bike to get my muscles built for this adventure. And the idea would be to start heading south take pictures take my bible take a few clothes and stop at churches on the way and work for shelter and food but occasionally having to camp and feast whereever necessary... And placing my pictures from each week on facebook or online to and typing whats going on in my life as i go... hearing feedback from friends but also hopefully gaining several friends as i go and giving them my address to stay in touch. This idea alone just brings so much joy to my heart im typing like a 100 words a minute. Will i go through with it or will i let my parents fill me with doubt? How strong am i? Right now i feel like i could do anything. A quote from one of my favorite movies.

"I've never lived closer to danger, but I've never felt safer. I've never felt more confident, and people could spot it from a mile away. And as for this, the violence? I gotta be honest - it grew on me. Once you've taken a few punches and realize you're not made of glass, you don't feel alive unless you're pushing yourself as far as you can go." - Green Street Hooligans

I just feel like there should be some sacrafices in my life. For it is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven... Why is this? Because He is not willing to sacrafice!

If anyone reads this please pray

I figure i can use this as a diary now that i dont think anyone really reads these anymore... i could be wrong thoug.

First of all Gods really been working on me alot lately and its awesome, its so neat to feel his presence and to know he there and wanting to do something with you. My only problem is myself though. Its like I m afraid to fully let go. Almost like i can fly and i wanting to fly towards him my feet are off the ground but like two toes are gripping to the ground. Its frustrating to try to let go and put everything in God's hands. Its almost like I'm afraid of being that guy, those creepy christains that nobody likes.

I ve just here resently figured out how much of a sinner i really am. Like im dragging a cart and as i walk I pick up bricks in my way and through them in my cart, Its the easiest way to deal with them just give in, but then they start to way me down dragging tons a bricks behind me. The Jesus clears them all off and I'm free again but i still keep picking up more bricks, i'm starting to avoid alot more bricks in my path but im still picking them up. I hope someday the bricks are very limited i know Ill always be a sinner but man it d be nice if Jesus didnt have to unload so much.

Problems in my life: I might have failed my studio class! I m really worried and confused. Failing it just doesnt seem real to me theres no reason why i should have done that bad. So now im questioning this major. Landscape arch. is it really worth it? i mean 5 years not really being able to carry a good job during this time, lots of nights with no sleep very stressful and for what... its not a great paying job, and im not sure what i would do with it! I want to be able to help people. And im just not seeing how me designing areas is really gonna help people. I mean i do in some areas creating areas of peace places where people can get together.... but is that what i want out of life... more importantly is that what God wants out of my life.?

Reading: I read Luke chap 15 today and mathew chap 5... Luke 15- The stories of Jesus, the great story teller. The lost sheep and the lost coin... leaving the rest and celebrating saving the one... But the Prodigal Son i ve heard the story so many times... and looked at how the son ran away but today i looked at the brother that stayed that seems to be me. I feel like a obey but then get mad or jealous of the wrongdoers that come back and get the reward... at the end a side note said which one of these brothers was really lost! and that really hit me the brother that wasnt exctied to his his brother come back the brother that wanted more and more from his father... \

mathew chap 5 and 6- How to present yourself and be a Godly man. How to deal with sin if you have a sin issue starve it or cut it off. Not to show off your deeds, after doing Gods will not to go around and tell people that i fed the hungry... His servenats that didnt understand what he meant, and shunned away a man trying to do Gods will,because it wasnt them. But what really got to me was to be humble not to worry about money and clothing or food. For God will provide, especially for thos who follow him. Does he not give shelter and food to the birds in the sky? So this kind of help me with my process of just letting go.

Prayer: Theres a Mission trip to Brasil that is going on this summer that i somewhat feel called to do. After seeing the people in belize and honduras for myself and then hearing about missions to Africa i feel like i would love to go to Brasil and help build some shelters and some relationships.

For my college carreer and what God wants me to do, what direction to go.

And i know that if someone is reading this they ve read other things by me and know that im always about girls, but i'm really trying to straighten up my life first, i mean i ve got dept, i'm alil bit lazy, its hard to inspire me to do something, i dont always do what God directly tells me to do or not to do... so i figure a girl will come later