sherification's Xanga

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:58:21 GMT

There's something brewing beneath the surface.

Every single day I get more and more irresponsible.
Though I have somewhat developed an irration/intolerance towards irresponsible behavior.
The irony.

Hence, reaching a sort of love-hate dichotomy. Ridiculous because it is hypocritical. I do not deny it.
I hate the things I hate, because they are ever-present in my very being.
And it is because I am unable to get rid of these things.
Which causes me to hate them. Because they are ubiquitous, like clear plague, bacteria.
Thus resulting in a detachment from myself and things I hate, two separate entities, yet one.
Confusing isn't it? And Mark said I think too much.

I concur.

Recently I've been questioning a great many things.
As one can already infer from my incomprehensive rant about photography and things.
More like a mind fuck, and yes I am rather fucked. In the sense that I do not understand.
And am unable to make light of my thoughts. Which are disjointed; abstract; confusing and
I do not wish them upon anyone, but myself.
Because I am unfortunate enough, to have my thoughts stray ever so often into treacherous territory.

The only thing, I have right now is anticipation.
This is more of a list to remember. Because I seem to forget things ever so often.
1. _______'s Surprise party.
2. Silver in the night
3. Paintball. (Tim's birthday)
4. Go to school on Monday to do art
5. Collect handphone (Sunday)
6. Sharon's Birthday
7. Work (? If I'm in the mood)
8. Photoshoot
9. Library trip ('W Ken?)
10. Work on my art book
11. World Lit Assignment
12. Chemistry IA
13. Math Portfolio
14. Tanning
15. Cycling with Jenny and the rest
16. Zoo trip (If there's time)

The holidays, will be great. If -

'I don't know' seems to be the only answer right now.
The words laugh at me, at my indecisiveness, fickle choices.
And inability to formulate some kind of personal stability.

Confused.
And might be, for awhile.
But I don't know what about.
Sorry, don't make sense does it.
Me neither.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:23:01 GMT

It's going to be hell tonight.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:59:23 GMT

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face

The kind you'd find on someone that could save

If they don't put me away

Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out

That everything good is happening somewhere else?

But with nobody in your bed

The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone

And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again

So what did you do those three days you were dead?

Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared of dying,

I'm a little bit scared of what comes after

Do I get the gold chariot?

Do I float through the ceiling?

Do I divide and fall apart?

Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark

And the ship went down in sight of land

And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you're coming in the night like a thief

But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique

I know you think that I'm someone you can trust

But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign

So I'll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try

I know you're coming for the people like me

But we all got wood and nails

And turned out a hate factory

We all got wood and nails

And turned out a hate factory

We all got wood and nails

And we sleep inside of this machine

- Jesus Christ/Brand New

This was the least offensive/annoying video I could find on youtube.
This is the most amazing song I have heard this year.
Tops. I'm so affected by this song. It's incredible.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:54:27 GMT

Today I experienced an intense rush of relief - upon realising that my hard-drive had not been lost for good.
I guess my theory that if I didn't look for it, it would eventually return to me actually worked.
Though I'm guessing in this situation, it was either a case of dumb luck or divine intervention.

Despite my apparent nonchalance about losing it.
I was actually just internalizing my so-called anguish.
Not to be theatrical in the least, but that hard-drive contained years of photographs.
Photographs that documented my progress and growth as a photographer.
I am not longer that girl with the tiny handheld camera,
camwhoring and trying to pass off as art - admittedly mediocre photographs.
With lower standards and ideals for what was aesthetically pleasing..
Who didn't know jack-shit about composition, or shutter-speed or overexposure.
(Until now my technical skill is still rather lacking, but I know enough to take decent shots)

Having been overwraught with trepidation for the past two days.
I decided to look through my photographs again.
Just to see how much I've matured from when I first started out in photography.
I don't claim to be the best, or anywhere as skilled as some really talented people out there.
But I will not shy away from admitting that there has been marked improvement.
Many people have varying opinions on what makes a great photograph- actually photographer.

I don't really have a driving force for doing what I do.
Many photographers I have conversed with, spoken to are very strong-minded, creative people.
Each and every one of them had their own beliefs and ideals.
To the extent that many of them believe that their way is the "Sole and Right" way to go about doing things.
Many a time I've had someone try and impose on me/ their ideals about why they take photographs.
Or the purpose of photography in relation to society.
I have learnt a lot from many of these people, and drawn upon many of their advice and experiences.
But I cannot and am unable to define what it is that inspires me to take photographs.
A person once asked me that very question.
And my inability to give an answer that suited his/her own personal ideals.
Thus resulted in a pointless debate in which I had no interest whatsoever.
It tired me, and escalated into something redundant, and resulted in a lot of confusion and irritation on my part.
I'm am not saying that challenging one's ideals is wrong.
Neither am I being arrogant. I am merely saying that "I do not know"
That I had no fixed ideals to begin with.
I have never cared for such things, and probably never will.
Until perhaps when I reach a stage in my emotional development which will allow me to mature in my thinking.
Hence allowing some kind of identity and profound stimulus to infiltrate my psyche.

All I know is that as of now I only know how to take photographs.
I may not have some deep, poignant reason for doing so.
And I do not strive to relay some kind of subliminal message to the world.
But I enjoy it. And that is enough for me.
It may be selfish, shallow even.
And maybe that's why some people would not consider me to be a real photographer.
Or one of great consequence.
Because I'm not doing anything other than just pointing and shooting.
But it is beyond that. I do put thought into my work, and I do want people to like it.
I just don't adhere to any principles or dogma pertaining to anything.
In a sense, you could say that I'm merely 'feeling it'.
Or that photographs are my means of recreating or capturing what I am unable to express through words.
It is that simple. But it speaks volumes, even if I am unable to elaborate.
Because I am still searching, but I guess that is the impetus for growth isn't it?

I once said that it was like seeing the world through my eyes.
But that I didn't know, what I wanted.
Only to be viciously shot down.

Photographs are meant to be looked at.
And I guess since my foray into the world of photography, ever since getting my first dslr a year ago.
That has been the only thing that I have really grasped and made any sense of.
Why complicate things? When ultimately, the photographs speak for themselves.
I take them and people look at them. It is a simple relationship.
Unmarred by the complexities of what people are constantly trying to define.

Hence, today while looking through the photographs.
The thought of losing so many months worth of memories. Was a little heart wrenching.
There is something vital that lies in the very heart of these photographs.
Even if it's not something I can elaborate on - comprehensively.

Therefore, I dug up some of my old photographs.
From my Japan trip last December.
Given that I haven't uploaded anything other than frivolous photographs of my almost always (fun) weekends.
And complaining about my suffocating workload, which has not decreased in the least.
I thought it might be a nice respite. A tribute to my old posts.
Where I used to write such lengthy paragraphs filled with nothing but musings and nostalgic phrases.
Masquering as cryptic song lyrics.
Besides, I haven't been putting up anything worth looking at recently.

A forewarning that these have been significantly edited though.
At the moment I'm going through a phase where I want my photographs to look a certain way.
And since I couldn't achieve this a couple of months back.
Editing shall have to suffice.
I actually didn't intend to say so much tonight.

I wasn't really in the best of moods.
And I had a mountain of work to do.
But I guess I got a little too carried away.
Trying to explain myself.
Even though, I'm as lost as when I initially began this post.
So my efforts have been in vain.

And to the person on my tagboard ragging about the smoking.
What I was really trying to say was.
Just leave the issue alone.
I'm not really up for any debate on why I do it.
And whether or not I'll stop.
It is really the least of my concerns at the moment.
And I honestly do not care whether it makes me look cool, ugly, naked,
or any other adjectives you might want to throw in.
I appreciate the concern. But... no thanks. I don't want it.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 11:08:25 GMT

I have learnt, that if I stop looking for things.
They'll eventually come back/ to me.

So I shall be patient. And wait.
For my hard-drive.
My phone.
My intelligence.
My willpower.
To come back.

So that I can, upload my photographs.
Be contactable again.
Not (not) know how to do things.
And start on my work.

List!
1. CAS Reflections for Turtle trip
2. CAS Forms (Fill up for 2 things)
3. Econs Commentary Article
4. Do more research for art
5. Chemistry IA
6. World Lit assignment
7. Extended Essay topic! (Oh fuck)

Um. Yeah. Busy. I. am.
And very much procastinating.

I would also like to.
Meet up with my cousin before she leaves.
Find my hard-drive.

Oh and I have to report to school early for seven days.

On a lighter note.
The September holidays are coming!
(Happy times)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 14:19:44 GMT

I wish we had handphones in our brains.
So that we wouldn't have to carry them around.
And we could just dial numbers in our heads.
Or something equally efficient.

In that case, I wouldn't lose my handphone so much.
And it wouldn't matter if it looked like shit.
Because.

It'd be in my head.

Genius right?

I think right now, I don't have anything much in my head.
My braincells pretty much shrivelled up and died the minute I realised I couldn't get into ACS (Independent).

Man, how to pass IB like that.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 08:47:55 GMT

Yesterday was good.
Kail's place.
Bec's new house.
Zouk.

And I have realised.
It is pure insanity to try and sing maps on Rockband.
" MaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaaa AAahhhh aaaaAAhhh Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppsss "

I am really going to miss Kail when she leaves.
For real.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:47:01 GMT

I basically spent my entire friday night playing cards and bumming.
What a perfect way to start off the weekend.
And Steph looked damn hot tonight.
My camera loved her.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 15:09:09 GMT

Everyone has their firsts?

First real bestfriend:
I don't remember.
Guess he/she wasn't really that great of a bestfriend then.

First cellphone:
It was fucking ugly.

First funeral:
Um. It was 1 dead person, and a lot of sad people.

First pet:
I'm guessing it was a hamster.

First big trip:
I don't remember.
But the best has got to be Africa. Hands down.

First fight:
Is history.

First time out of the country:
Don't remember. Don't care.
I just want to travel again.

First job:
Waitressing at Amici.

And their lasts...

Last person you hugged:
I don't know.

Last car ride:
This afternoon.

Last time you cried:
Probably when I lost my camera.

Last movie you watched:
Princess Mononoke (Anime geek! :D)

Last shirt worn:
Africa shirt.

Last phonecall:
Watang. Meeting her tomorrow.

Last text message:
My phone is fucking useless.
I hate it.

Last thing you touched:
Myself ;)

Last time you were excited about something:
Awhile ago.

Last person you saw:
My sister.

Last person who broke your heart:
The cheebye who didn't return my camera.

Last time you were honestly happy:
I still don't know.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:12:22 GMT

ightcreeping up on me like a bad memory.
i foresee one of those strange weekends.
of contemplative silence, cold nights,
and thoughts that shouldn't disturb me as much as i know they will.

i'm prepared for it.
it will not bother me.
not at all.

There are things to look forward to, and I will enjoy myself. Regardless.
(I will look right through you)

Damn, this is hard.

On the bright side.
My I.o.p went by without a hitch.
Save for exceeding the time limit.
But I'm not getting penalized.
So there's nothing to fear.
Except not getting full marks.

You are a bad bad liar.

Now that the I.o.p is over.
I am going to spend the rest of the night doing absolutely nothing.
Pure bliss.

And it's cold too.
Lovely.