Currently Listening Skeletons By Nothingface I AM HIM see related

lotta stuff going through my mind. lets just see where this leads us.

Mistake

Some guys complain that their exes are mistakes,
That they ruined their lives.
Most guys recover though,
Move on and persevere.
I've never really been capable of that,
when it comes to my mistakes,
Especially the biggest of my life.
I tried to move on, tried to pretend she didnt destroy me,
Tried to act normal and get on with my life.
This lasted for a while, till i realized my problem,
dating her had truly fucked me up.

Its not that I still love her, not that i cant live without her,
Its just that i stayed with her for far too long.
I knew I'd made a mistake about two months in,
but was already in to deep to get out,
to put it simply, if i left she died.
Now I'm not being conceited here,
the girl had fallen HARD for me.
How can you leave a girl, when you know it will mean her death?
The answer is, you cant, youre trapped, youre fucked, youre screwed.
The only way out was to make her hate me,
which never really worked.
Eventually i pulled the plug, and she seemed fine.

The problem was, I wasnt.
I'd stayed with someone I couldnt stand for too long,
it messed me up inside, killed my emotions.
Dont get me wrong, I still have them,
Hate, Sadness, Anger, Lust, and Love,
but the love i have is crippled and dying.
I havent managed to form new bonds,
beyond just friendship, no new crushes, no new love interests.
Even the ones i had before i met her,
The petty little crushes that never really seem to fade,
seemed to turn to dust, crumbling in my trembling fingers.

So now we come to my true problem,
When it comes to dating, I've actually hit apathy.
Not through any concentrated effort, or some twisted intention,
but simply through an inability to make such connections with people as are necessary.
I really dont know why its happened,
but i know that it started when i was "dating" her.
The law of cause and effect tells me that she is the cause of my problem,
and while i hate passing the blame off, i find it hard not to agree.
I just wish i knew if someday my empathy will return,
if i can ever love someone besides my family members,
if i can ever again experience a romantic feeling.
Because if i knew it was coming back, I could have some hope,
and if i knew it was gone forever, I could stop telling myself that one day i will find HER.

Yea, this was really less of a poem and more of a elaborate stream of consciousness kind of thing. its pretty poorly worded and not written well at all, but considering how fried my brain is from finals week, id say its about as good as one could expect. i know noone reads this anymore, which is why i like writing in it from time to time. its a release, regardless of whether or not someone sees it. unfortunately i dont think the feelings that spawned that^, will ever really go away, until i truly feel a romantic connection with someone. o well. Here's to finding HER, Bottoms up..

Currently Listening Zeitgeist By Smashing Pumpkins Doomsday Clock see related

hmm. nine-ish months since the last time.. cool ass beans right thur.. yea im bored and my brain is bleeding, i think.. i decided to try and writesome new shiz a few days ago and this is the attempt peace out all you people.. lol like anyone still checks this.. by the way R.I.P xanga.. i offcially declare it deceased now..

Vacant

I tried to walk away from this life,
Bland and tasteless, full of the corpses of the past.
I pick my way through this vacant lot,
but cant seem to find an exit.
A maze with no walls, a prison with no bars,
escape from this place should be so simple,
Yet its pull just appears to be too strong.

I peer into your eyes,
vacant and deep, but cant seem to pull away.
Your eyes are pits of hatred and death
the life pours from those spiteful holes.
I clutch you in my arms, as you pass from this life,
I see from your gaze, you will never forgive,
I can tell from your last breath, that you will haunt me forever.

When i pulled the trigger, in this vacant lot,
I was the one who was supposed to die.
How i missed, and struck you i shall never know.
At first it hurt, at first i cried,
now im fine, that you have died.
I start to wonder if when i aimed,
i shot the devil, and this is her curse,
I cant leave the past lie.

yea. thats it. poorly connected.. i like the general feel though.. yea ok.. see ya again.. sometime between now and when i die.. probably at least.. PEace..

Currently Listening The Crusade By Trivium Unrepentant see related

wow.. nearly a year since my last entry.. thats a really freaking long time.. o well. xanga is pretty much dead so it doesnt matter what i do with this. because noone will read it.. i was bored this morning and started writing, it came pretty naturally, so i guess the knack sticks around for a while.. thats assuming this is any good.. i dont think its too bad at least..

Currently Listening Of Love and Lunacy By Still Remains White Walls see related

long week.. long weekend.. long homework assignments.. short attention span.. that just spells disaster.. kinda wish id been able to go to winter ball.. i love the dances..  o well..

Beneath This Garden

There are secrets buried here, beneath this garden,
the type that none should ever know.
Horrible crimes that were carried out,
in the heat of the moment, without a second thought.
These things should've never happened,
but they did and he will never forget his blasphemies.
The struggle insued after his entrance,
he saw what and who she was doing,
and a murderous rage overtook him.
The pain of that moment,
was bludegoned into their skulls.
After his deed was done beneath this garden they went,
his web of lies accepted, the only way hell be caught now,
is through a tell tale heart.
Beneath this garden, of roses and lilies,
 is buried a tale of betrayal deceit and murderous intent,
a story that never again shall reach the surface.

PEace..

-_-Me-_-

Currently Listening A Day & A Thousand Years By Walls of Jericho see related

well it seems that once again its been awhile.. live with it.. not that anyone reads this.. but i guess thats better.. i dunno.. my worlds been turned upside and put into a blender after a recent discovery.. hopefully all will end up well but thats a meaningless hope.. cuz it rarely ever does.. :sigh: lets get this bitch started...

  The Gravedigger

The darkness falls on this place,
the demons and brethern all arise.
Headstones of the ancients,
beneath them the dead want released.
The spade and shovel are my tools,
getting closer to my own doom
one, two, were only just starting.
This blasphemous act, my acursed existence,
my only company, dreamers and deadmen.
The storm is brewing all around me,
I am the apex, the eye.
At last they have fully risen
Rotting corpses and skeletons,
leave their tombs after a centuries rest.
Deeper i dig, knowing im nearing my death,
Three, four, five were almost there now.
What have i done, what great evil have i awakened,
This may have been my goal, but a few flaws ive found.
Nothing controls the mindless,
so i dig deeper, hoping to get away.
Regardless its all over now, these shadows are no longer a security,
they found me and descended,
how ironic, six feet under,
it seems ive dug my own grave,
like i have for so many others before this.

I guess thats it.. i dunno.. its different.. Peace

-_-Me-_-