shh_im_not_here's Xanga

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:55:17 GMT

Always Uphill

My battles always seem to fought uphill,
nothing is easy, nor has it ever really been.
I make things harder for myself,
just through my own general insecurities,
my inability to let things lie.
My mind wanders far too easily, never landing on happy thoughts.
Or if they do, they quickly melt into something more depressing.
Not only this, but my subconscious even plots against me,
Just last night, over a month since shed dumped me, i dreamt of her again.
Im just awful at this letting go thing, my mind thinks shes coming back.
I keep saying i dont want that, and im fairly sure its true,
besides, the fissure between seems to grow by the day, im just delusional to have such thoughts.
But if i didnt i wouldnt be me,
it wouldnt be an uphill battle to recovery if i could forget quickly and leave things alone.

Moving on from my problems with the past, we come to my present situation.
how can there possibly be an uphill battle to getting a girl who likes you to date you.
Seriously, how does one make that difficult? The answer, you have to be messed up.
Im about 100% certain she wants to date me, and yet i cant bring myself to ask.
im just scared of how this will turn out, i like the girl and dont wanna lose her.
I dont have the best of experiences with dating and staying friends.
Ive managed to do it like once, ever. Not a good ratio if ya ask me.
Im also fairly certain that if we fuck things up, or i fuck things up,
that im gunna crumble and fall into my shell.

Its been a while since ive collapsed like that, but i nearly did when ellen dumped me.
The only saving grace was a willpower ive slowly gathered through the years,
and a massive amount of support from my friends.
Without either of those htings, i dont even wanna think where id be.

But past the depressing crap, i feel stronger now then ever before,
the moments of weakness are fewer and less powerful then i can remember.
I can think of these things, and not start to get overwhelmed.
Im really beginning to think that i cant truly be stopped,
i may never be happy, or at peace, but ill never be stopped either.
I long ago stopped searching for happiness, if it comes so be it, but i aint holding my breath anymore,
i decided to be defiant in the face of all, be an arrogant, sarcastic ass till the end.
So far ive held up my end of the deal fairly well id say.
Do i think ill ever find happiness, or that one special girl?
No, i dont find it likely, or even that remotely possible.
But i havent quite given up hope i suppose, just stopped waiting for it too happen.
So in the meantime, between here and happiness or death,
I plan to continue to be an arrogant, sarcastic, defiant ass till the end.
I really dont feel like i can be stopped anymore.

Yea, ive been feeling a lot better then i can even remember.. not exactly happy yet, but definitely beyond content. tho i cant let things lie, and i cant forget her, and i cant man up and ask a certain other girl out, im still going strong.. very strong.. im feeling like an unstoppable force.. i mean losing a girl like ellen, completely and totally. prolly wouldve killed me last year, literally. but not, it slowed me, gave me second thoughts, but i had the support i needed.. i came back stronger then ever, defiant as ever, and as big of an ass as ever.. I was never sure id see 20, and now, well fuck, i plan on seeing 100.. only God or the devil himself can strike me down at this point.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:24:39 GMT

Breakdown

Im working on a complete mental breakdown,
my mind is just crumbling and i dont know how to handle this.
This girl means so much to me,
she says she doesnt want to hurt me,
but as the days pass i become more certain thats what she plans
Its not that i think shes avoiding me,
its more like shes just not enthusiastic to see me.
Last semester she would have been estatic to see me, have me sleep over.
Fuck shed even ask me to sometimes, but not anymore.
Its less that she doesnt want to see me,
and more that she doesnt really wanna go out of her way to see me.
If its slightly inconveinent for her, im on the back burner.
but if it turns out that she still wants me, and this is how she expects the relationship to go,
shes fucking crazy. I need a girl that needs me, or at least brightens when shes with me.
last semester and over the summer i had that girl,
but i dont know where the fuck she went and its killing me.
She keeps saying maybe, most likely, and probably,
but never definately or of course.
Its like she has to see what happens to decide if she wants to spend time with me.
and in my eyes thats fucked up.
i cant handle this type of a relationship,
im too mentally weak at this point.
i no longer have the strength to endure such a rigorous relationship.
I know i cant lose this girl, but i also cant afford to stay in this relationship as it stands.
One of us needs to change, and im hoping to god its her,
Cuz otherwise we are done, and im not sure how ill react to that.

To put it simply im a douchebag who cant figure out why his girlfriend isnt so attached to him. im sure its because she has a different time of emotional attachment to people. i need to see them and hear them to believe that they are real. otherwise im sure that things are going to hell, ie almost everyone of the most recent updates. she may be the person that can take solace in knowing she has someone who cares for her, but is afraid that if they spend too much time together one of the parties will fuck up the relationship. i once again find myself drowning here with all but no safety line to rely on. ive never been one to bitch and moan about my problems to others, at least relationship-wise. but i really need to now, but dont have the impartial observer type that i need. so many unwanted feelings, thoughts, and actions are rising to the surface, and they might overtake me this time. this is a pivotal point in my sage, and i have no idea how its going to end. FUCK ME.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:59:53 GMT

HomeComing

It took four months,
but im finally going home.
Penn State is essentially at my fingertips,
and i really couldnt be more excited,
because it hopefully brings with it the end of guesswork and wondering.
I wont see her till monday likely,
but should be able to distract myself till then,
ill be seeing more then enough people between then and now.
The only problem now is,
what her decision is.
Does she stay with me,
or do i have to move on and recover.
Im feeling like we are "ok",
but is it enough to stay together is the question.
I hope so...
Thats really all i have to say, i mean im excited as fuck to be going back, seeing so many people i havent in months, its gunna be epic.. This year should be godly. i already have a solid friendship base, im used to the rigors of college, i have a great roommate, and should have the most amazing girlfriend.. seriously what can go wrong.. ::knocks on wood:: the only thing is now, not dying on the drive up there. lol.. i cant wait.. PANDA EXPRESS HERE I COME BABY!!!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:15:17 GMT

Sabbatical

I recently went on a sabbatical of sorts
Just a complete and total break from technology,
from friends and people i know, but for my family.
While it wasn't necessarily intentional, it was much needed.
As i'm sure you've gathered, if you read this,
I'm not the most sane or stable of individuals.

I struggle through life, dragging from one event to the next.
And sometimes i need a complete break from reality,
Whether it be a mental breakdown, or a journey to a "technology-less place"
I need to either start anew, or rebuild that which once was.
And i cant do that in the surroundings that caused the pain.

The combination of a 56 hour work week, and the stress of a long distance relationship,
mentally and physically destroyed me, i had nothing left.
I was drained, and depressed, having little to give.
As i looked forward to the welcome break of a vacation,
I wondered if this was the last sabbatical,
If either it would be the last id need, or more likely,
The first in a string that don't work.

I've been on my last leg for years now,
it was only a matter of time to i completely broke down.... again.
I recovered once, but with a deeply fractured psyche,
while intellectually i was the same, if not better,
emotionally i was crippled, with little hope of recovery.
I believe ive progressed, but only to a point.
I still seem to actively try and destroy the good things in my life,
namely important relationships.

The old adage, "out of sight out of mind" holds no bearing for me.
If she is out of my sight, she is constantly on my mind,
and normally not in a good way, as i attempt the sabotage.
I may love this girl, but this separation is like freezing water in the cracks of stone,
slowly but surely tearing me apart.
I know she means to much to me to lose her,
but sadistic fuck that ive become, i still try.

My mind is both held together and torn apart by the same woman,
this beautiful and angelic presence in my life.
Through not fault of her own,
she constantly kills and bring me back to life,
and i saw no way out.
The sabbatical didnt real solve this problem,
but i think it may have bought me enough time to get back to her.
From there let a whole new plethora of problems evolve,
i dont welcome them, nor do i fear them.

If the trials ive faced to date havent killed me,
or even completely broken me,
I feel confident that i can survive the next round.
Of course i say that now, without knowing whats coming my way.

well now, its become a useful purging to write in here again, who knew it would make a comeback.. see ya again around my next mental weakening or breakdown..

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:36:03 GMT

back for some venting. not really creatively, poetry doesnt come very often anymore, at most ill get a few lines. too much effort for a venting tool. so im gunna try another free write train of consciousness kinda thing.

Leaving the Good Things Be

Why can i never be content with what i have?
I always have to question why she's with me,
or if shes about to dump me, or using me.
I'm finally happy again, or at least as close as ive been in a long time,
and yet my insecurities are getting the best of me.
I know why it happens, Ive been screwed over too many times before.
Ive always considered that id been damaged beyond repair,
perhaps i was right.
There is only so much damage a psyche can take,
and i long ago passed the norm.
Ive gotten better at ignoring/hiding my flaws, but they dont leave.
They are surfacing again.
Ive got a chance at happiness with this girl,
genuine happiness, not feigned.
And yet my subconscious is trying to mess it up..
Or is it? i mean really. is it?
is it my insecurities doing this, or her changing, drifting from me after months of separation?
i really hope its me, because ive learned to deal with me.
But if its her? i dunno. not good thats for sure.
Im pretty sure either way though im gunna sabotage this relationship.
and end up hating myself even more.
I was living for the end of summer, but school wont bring much more time together apparently
she lives on the other side of campus, has too many classes, and goes horse riding 20+ hours a week.
I understand these things, but they kill me.
It kills me to be number two or three on her list, cuz i always devote myself to one girl,
putting her at the top.
To put it simply im fucked up, and prolly going to ruin every good thing that ever happens to me.
Shit.

Sooo, that wasnt quite as therapeutic as i was hoping,in fact i think it made things worse. damn. well.. hopefully this weekend goes well.. at least i have linkin park to look forward to if i fuck things up with her... fuck me....... till later, much later prolly.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 05:30:53 GMT

lotta stuff going through my mind. lets just see where this leads us.

Mistake

Some guys complain that their exes are mistakes,
That they ruined their lives.
Most guys recover though,
Move on and persevere.
I've never really been capable of that,
when it comes to my mistakes,
Especially the biggest of my life.
I tried to move on, tried to pretend she didnt destroy me,
Tried to act normal and get on with my life.
This lasted for a while, till i realized my problem,
dating her had truly fucked me up.

Its not that I still love her, not that i cant live without her,
Its just that i stayed with her for far too long.
I knew I'd made a mistake about two months in,
but was already in to deep to get out,
to put it simply, if i left she died.
Now I'm not being conceited here,
the girl had fallen HARD for me.
How can you leave a girl, when you know it will mean her death?
The answer is, you cant, youre trapped, youre fucked, youre screwed.
The only way out was to make her hate me,
which never really worked.
Eventually i pulled the plug, and she seemed fine.

The problem was, I wasnt.
I'd stayed with someone I couldnt stand for too long,
it messed me up inside, killed my emotions.
Dont get me wrong, I still have them,
Hate, Sadness, Anger, Lust, and Love,
but the love i have is crippled and dying.
I havent managed to form new bonds,
beyond just friendship, no new crushes, no new love interests.
Even the ones i had before i met her,
The petty little crushes that never really seem to fade,
seemed to turn to dust, crumbling in my trembling fingers.

So now we come to my true problem,
When it comes to dating, I've actually hit apathy.
Not through any concentrated effort, or some twisted intention,
but simply through an inability to make such connections with people as are necessary.
I really dont know why its happened,
but i know that it started when i was "dating" her.
The law of cause and effect tells me that she is the cause of my problem,
and while i hate passing the blame off, i find it hard not to agree.
I just wish i knew if someday my empathy will return,
if i can ever love someone besides my family members,
if i can ever again experience a romantic feeling.
Because if i knew it was coming back, I could have some hope,
and if i knew it was gone forever, I could stop telling myself that one day i will find HER.

Yea, this was really less of a poem and more of a elaborate stream of consciousness kind of thing. its pretty poorly worded and not written well at all, but considering how fried my brain is from finals week, id say its about as good as one could expect. i know noone reads this anymore, which is why i like writing in it from time to time. its a release, regardless of whether or not someone sees it. unfortunately i dont think the feelings that spawned that^, will ever really go away, until i truly feel a romantic connection with someone. o well. Here's to finding HER, Bottoms up..

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 23:58:01 GMT

hmm. nine-ish months since the last time.. cool ass beans right thur.. yea im bored and my brain is bleeding, i think.. i decided to try and writesome new shiz a few days ago and this is the attempt peace out all you people.. lol like anyone still checks this.. by the way R.I.P xanga.. i offcially declare it deceased now..

Vacant

I tried to walk away from this life,
Bland and tasteless, full of the corpses of the past.
I pick my way through this vacant lot,
but cant seem to find an exit.
A maze with no walls, a prison with no bars,
escape from this place should be so simple,
Yet its pull just appears to be too strong.

I peer into your eyes,
vacant and deep, but cant seem to pull away.
Your eyes are pits of hatred and death
the life pours from those spiteful holes.
I clutch you in my arms, as you pass from this life,
I see from your gaze, you will never forgive,
I can tell from your last breath, that you will haunt me forever.

When i pulled the trigger, in this vacant lot,
I was the one who was supposed to die.
How i missed, and struck you i shall never know.
At first it hurt, at first i cried,
now im fine, that you have died.
I start to wonder if when i aimed,
i shot the devil, and this is her curse,
I cant leave the past lie.

yea. thats it. poorly connected.. i like the general feel though.. yea ok.. see ya again.. sometime between now and when i die.. probably at least.. PEace..

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 14:56:04 GMT

wow.. nearly a year since my last entry.. thats a really freaking long time.. o well. xanga is pretty much dead so it doesnt matter what i do with this. because noone will read it.. i was bored this morning and started writing, it came pretty naturally, so i guess the knack sticks around for a while.. thats assuming this is any good.. i dont think its too bad at least..

Everytime I see you, my eyes bleed,

Everytime I hear your voice, my eardrums pop,

I have to speak your name, as if there is poison on my lips.

The thought of your touch, makes my flesh crawl,

The smell of your perfume burns my lungs.

Yet I cant get you out of my head,

Thinking of you doesn’t hurt,

Because the only times I remember, are the good ones.

I want to hate you, I want you to leave me be.

But im still in love with you, and hope you stay with me forever.

I thought we were done, I thought we were through,

I saw you walk away, I was fine that day.

Then you came back, and my world went black,

Begged for forgiveness, wished to be given another chance.

I tried to deny you; apologizes were way past due,

I cant just forgive and forget, that’s not the person you met.

I turned you away, I made you cry that day,

You said you hated me, i acted like I didn’t see.

You cursed you screamed you punched and kicked,

We broke up years ago, and still youre in the forefront of my mind.

Like a plague, you stick around, and sap the strength of your victims,

I thought I saw a way out, but my mind filled with doubt.

Yet I had to leave, I needed a reprieve,

So I moved on, the very next dawn,

To a girl that I hate more than you, if only in life, you could undo,

All of the things that go wrong, or if things always ended, as perfect as a song..

thats it.. see ya next year around this time.. peace

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 20:33:34 GMT

long week.. long weekend.. long homework assignments.. short attention span.. that just spells disaster.. kinda wish id been able to go to winter ball.. i love the dances.. o well..

Beneath This Garden

There are secrets buried here, beneath this garden,
the type that none should ever know.
Horrible crimes that were carried out,
in the heat of the moment, without a second thought.
These things should've never happened,
but they did and he will never forget his blasphemies.
The struggle insued after his entrance,
he saw what and who she was doing,
and a murderous rage overtook him.
The pain of that moment,
was bludegoned into their skulls.
After his deed was done beneath this garden they went,
his web of lies accepted, the only way hell be caught now,
is through a tell tale heart.
Beneath this garden, of roses and lilies,
is buried a tale of betrayal deceit and murderous intent,
a story that never again shall reach the surface.

PEace..

-_-Me-_-

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 13:38:17 GMT

well it seems that once again its been awhile.. live with it.. not that anyone reads this.. but i guess thats better.. i dunno.. my worlds been turned upside and put into a blender after a recent discovery.. hopefully all will end up well but thats a meaningless hope.. cuz it rarely ever does.. :sigh: lets get this bitch started...

The Gravedigger

The darkness falls on this place,
the demons and brethern all arise.
Headstones of the ancients,
beneath them the dead want released.
The spade and shovel are my tools,
getting closer to my own doom
one, two, were only just starting.
This blasphemous act, my acursed existence,
my only company, dreamers and deadmen.
The storm is brewing all around me,
I am the apex, the eye.
At last they have fully risen
Rotting corpses and skeletons,
leave their tombs after a centuries rest.
Deeper i dig, knowing im nearing my death,
Three, four, five were almost there now.
What have i done, what great evil have i awakened,
This may have been my goal, but a few flaws ive found.
Nothing controls the mindless,
so i dig deeper, hoping to get away.
Regardless its all over now, these shadows are no longer a security,
they found me and descended,
how ironic, six feet under,
it seems ive dug my own grave,
like i have for so many others before this.

I guess thats it.. i dunno.. its different.. Peace

-_-Me-_-