shine1light's Xanga

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:10:05 GMT

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. -Luke 5:16

that struck a deep chord in me.
i mean, duh, Jesus prayed.
and duh, if son of God, the most perfect human being who ever walked this earth, felt it necessary to talk to God often than we should definitely feel the need.

another key word here is lonely place.

i need my lonely place.
too much family time, too much people time has taken a toll on me.

these are the moments when i remember that i am an introvert.
an extraverted introvert.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 02:29:22 GMT

Today, something was off.
nothing that made me angry or upset. but the whole day started off wrong from the beginning.

i was late to everything today, spent more time on the road than preferred or necessary and...
it was just a lot of yuck.

but i can't pinpoint what exactly.

it's a jip-jip-han feeling.
how do you say that in english?

i need to re-learn english,, and learn how to interact with white people again.
i've been hanging around too many asians who understand my fob, asian utterances.

yuck yuck yuck

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Tue, 27 May 2008 01:46:04 GMT

narnia

I watched the movie, "Prince Caspian" last Thursday and have been on a Narnia craze all weekend.
(That's the thing about me, one thing sets me off and I'm immersed)

I finished all 6 books (6, not 7 because I could not find the 2nd book)--and i've started to write xanga like CS Lewis narrates stories of Narnia in his books. gah!

Anyway...
there were 2 parts that really burned fresh understandings in my mind. Reading through the series this time with the deeper understanding of symbolisms than I did when I attempted sometime in middle school, these books did more good to me than any of my introspection put together.

I was brought to tears more than once when I was reading descriptions of the Great Lion and His interaction with the children (i am such a sap).

And, having finished off the final book of the series tonight, I want to note a quote that more or less have cleared my perspective and given me peace about my idea of what heaven is like.

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land i have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this..."

I must follow with the explanation of my dilemma with the idea of heaven.
I could not come to terms with hating all that was good and beautiful in this world: the colors, the culture, the rich beauty and history, the capacity of humans to make beautiful and amazing things. I could not come to terms with leaving it all behind for some happy (i pictured, some sort of drugged, drowsy happiness where nothing would happen) with no color, no drama. Just sleepy peace.

but I think I understand.
at least a little.

and I think I'll like heaven.
It won't be a sleepy, drugged sort of peace and drowsy nothing.
But it will be all that's beautiful without the perversion that fall of man have added.
The colors will be all the more pure, more rich...

yeah.
I think I won't be afraid to look forward to it.

God speaks through all kinds of mediums.
even children's books.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mon, 12 May 2008 03:37:16 GMT

i need to decompress.
i need some NRB time.

oh, korea, how i miss thee.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 13:12:01 GMT

Friends, be healthy.
Take care of your selves and do not wait until it is too late.
Do not think that it won't happen to you.

Being healthy is the greatest blessing.
Everything else is secondary.

Without health, you can't serve and minister, even if you want to.

The world we live in is poisoned.
Spiritually, emotionally... and physically.

Friends, take care of yourselves.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 05:56:11 GMT

i am going to stop rolling over and playing dead.

i'm going to stop letting them walk all over me.

i'm going to conquer my fear, so help me God.

i am ashamed that it took me so long, that it took so far, that it consumed so much of me.
it's so shameful when the truth is finally unveiled and your blindness is finally cured.
it's really and totally embarrassing.

like you've been running around in your undies without your pants
and you've just figured out that you're standing in times square.

but i'm going to conquer that too.
i'm going to get over myself and realize that the world really doesn't care.
that they don't really notice me the way i think they do... i'm really not that big of a deal.

i have to stop being a coward.
in so many ways.

to everyone i've hurt in my blind rage and bitterness, i'm sorry.
would you be understanding when i say i wasn't myself?
that i really was hurting so bad i didn't know what else to do?

...that i'm still sore and hurt and have only begun to realize it?