July 27, 2013

  • This Is The End, Beautiful Friend

    Xanga.

    A place where I opined about almost every aspect of my late-teens to mid-twenties.

    Now a relic of a bygone era, an era pre-Facebook, Twitter, and the explosion of social media sites that make self-expression seamless.

    In truth, I all but forgot about this place, until I caught wind of its possible closure. And when I did, and took a look at my entries, the memories flooded like waves on Floridian shores. I can’t believe I have a written record of my thoughts from as long as a decade ago, when I was just a senior in high school. I’ve come a long way since then. Life has been nothing short of crazy, with each experience making me more malleable in order to keep up with the times. 

    I hope Xanga endures, if only because it’s one of the few remaining sites on the internet that have been around since my youth. I’m a sucker for nostalgia you see, and every taste I get leaves me yearning for (sometimes) better days. But if it doesn’t then I will say only this: Xanga, thank you for providing me with a platform to speak my mind (however immature or naive I was about it) because I now have a timeline of my growth through the words I have written down.

    To everyone that bothered to read and comment, I thank you. You are the Internet’s class act of bloggers in my opinion and you have my gratitude for putting up with my sometimes endless rambling and stream-of-consciousness babble, not to mention the often cryptic and angst-ridden entry hidden in song lyrics. silly

    I hope to make a new blog one day, and when I do, I hope I can have a similar experience there as I’ve had here. It’s been one for the record books.

    If you’re on Twitter and would like to continue following me in 140 characters or less, I am “at” swordmalice.

    And of course, as always….

    SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY

                                                                                                                   

    YOU’RE GONNA CARRY THAT WEIGHT

     

January 9, 2011

  • Thoughts at Twenty-Six

    On this day, 26 years ago, I made my debut into this world. Right now, I’m reminded of these lyrics -

    “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger” – The Faces, “Ooh La La

    When I was younger, my world view was narrow, my hopes and dreams a lot brighter and a tad naive, and my emotions had a tendency to overshadow rational thought at times. Now, as an adult, I look back on all the previous birthdays I’ve had over the years and I can old shake my head. Then, I notice a tiny smile crease my lips. I look back, and I laugh at the really great ones but then I look back on the darker birthdays I’ve had and…while it does bring back some painful memories, I end up realizing that as bad as I felt back then, it’s over now. And and bad as some things are for me now, I’m still around. And I think that’s why that smile appears.

    I notice that I have a tendency to dwell on the negative, the dark and the desolate, about everything in my life. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when there’s a freight train coming your way. But, I know now that even in my darkest hour, I have people out there who will have my back, even though they may not be always readily available. It’s something I have to really keep at the forefront of my mind if I’m to ever achieve the kind of life I really want to live. Accepting my faults and weaknesses is something I don’t do very well. Self-loathing is pretty prevalent too. But today, a little of that is lost as I indulge in all of the well-wishes from family and friends. I am especially grateful for them all. As much as I may disagree with my family, I’m happy they’re still around. I’m also very, very happy for a close-knit group of friends that, for reasons I’ll never understand, like me for me and accept me in spite of everything. I’m grateful to be working, even though it’s not what I really want to be. Things could be worse. They can always be worse.

    And that’s all. For this birthday, it will be a quiet one spent at home, taking calls and visits from family members, while playing my unexpected birthday gift – Super Mario All Stars 25th Anniversary Edition for the Wii! I couldn’t find that game anywhere, but somehow my parents did, so many many thanks to them. Celebration with friends will happen at some point down the road, and I’ll look forward to that.

    So here I am, still around. A year older, and let’s hope for my sake, wiser.

    If only I knew what I know now, way back when.

                                                                                                                                                 SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…

     

February 23, 2010

  • Murphy’s Law: At It’s Finest

    Well my first post of 2010 happens to be a somber one. In a striking similarity to a period of time I endured last year, I must yet again deal with the loss of a job, and a personal piece of electronic equipment.

    Since November of last year I’d been working at a non-profit agency called MDRC as a temp in the Finance department. It was a great position, one I’d grown quite accustomed to. But my last day was Friday, and with nothing coming down the pipeline I’m back to job hunting. To add insult to injury, my Playstation 3 suddenly decided to crap out on me, requiring it to be sent back for repairs. Which wouldn’t be something to be upset about ordinarily, but because of a new trend among video game developers to copy protect save data of games, I am guaranteed to lose save data for two games that I own despite backing up the entire system of my PS3; one of which,  Bayonetta, I was only 2-3 hours away from completing all Achievements. This equates to around a combined total of about 100 hours in gaming thrown away, leaving me to start from scratch when I receive my new system. If that weren’t bad enough, I will expect to be sans PS3 for almost a month, during which time I will not be able to play certain must have titles slated to drop in March, mainly God of War 3 and Final Fantasy XIII

    I don’t think bad luck exists, but I am very tempted to change that train of thought. I don’t know what I did to deserve this sometimes. If anyone has any idea on how I can feel better about all this, I’m more than willing to listen. It’s going to be a rough few weeks ahead for me.

    Hell of a way to start 2010. I can’t wait to see what will happen next.

                                                                                                             

December 31, 2009

  • Year’s End (Onward To Another Tomorrow…)

    2009. What was it? For me it was without question one of the most revolutionary in terms of my personal life. It was a year in which I lost as much as I had gained. In the anime Full Metal Alchemist, the show’s primary principle of “Equivalent Exchange” states that in order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. I am a bit reticent in using an aspect of fiction to describe my reality but at this point in time I fail to find another theme that sufficiently describes the past twelve months to my liking. For every moment of happiness I felt, it appeared that soon to follow was some tragedy of comparable degree. I’m not too knowledgeable about the concept of karma but I think what I’ve been through could potentially be described as such. Despite all this, I also felt that this was a year that saw me age a little bit more in mentality and my outlook on life. A year where, at times, I would achieve a lucidity clearer than a sigh in the middle of winter and at others I would degrade into a darkness too opaque for words. This kind of emotional fluctuation isn’t necessarily foreign to me, but this year I felt as if that fluctuation was balanced. I realize that my previous sentence is a bit paradoxical, but it’s the best I can write for now.

    I think without question the defining moment of 2009 was my being laid off from my permalance position at the Weinstein Company. When I was let go, it was at a time where I was beginning to become very acclimated to my work there. I’d had some issues with it in the past, but during the first quarter of the year I managed to excel at my job in a way I wasn’t sure I was capable of. It felt good. And as a result, I became content and (dare I say) happy with myself there. My boss and coworkers were great people, I showed that I can produce results under pressure, and in the midst of a recession it was a paycheck I could look forward to at the end of every week.

    And then the bottom fell out.

    It was a rough going during the months that followed, swimming in and out of a mild depression with only my friends and hobbies to keep me sane. July through early September were quite dark for me. The solitude and feelings of despair and hopelessness seemed ubiquitous. But then, in the middle of September I found a temp job at a CPA firm called Perelson Weiner that revived me. The work was intense as I was hired to deal with all of the horrors of tax season, but it kept me occupied and most importantly it gave me a purpose. I was working some long hours too, so all of the OT pay made things even better. After that job ended in mid-October I was hired once again by a nonprofit called MDRC where I remain to this day. Interestingly enough this assignment was due to end two weeks before Christmas, but it was extended to today, and then it was extended yet again to January 15th. I’m hoping that this is a sign of something good to come my way. If not, oddly enough I feel as if 2010 will find my more successful in my job search. I haven’t felt this positive about that aspect of my life in some time, and I hope I’m not disappointed.

    In terms of the year’s high points, the only one that was really significant was attending Otakon for the first time in all my years of being an anime fan. This year was also my first time cosplaying, which was met with success (or so I’m told). I think I also set a record for most conventions attended in a single year (AnimeNext, Otakon and NYAF; a paltry sum I know but let’s remember that I lost my job ok?). My cosplay of choice was Louis from Left 4 Dead (seriously who else could I have been this year) and it was great. Otakon was also memorable because it was a good bonding experience for me and the four friends I traveled with to Baltimore. I hope that 2010′s conventions continue to be on par with this year’s Otakon. It was one for the memory banks.

    Speaking of friends, this year saw me grow closer to them in the usual nerd-filled way. I was happily exposed to new genres of games (FPS) that I’d no previous inclination towards (but do now) and new experiences that continued to show me how much I have in common with them (video game tournaments, movies, food outings). There are times where I wonder if it really is ok to completely be myself around them, but then I am reminded that these guys probably would want nothing less from me, no matter how many times I piss them off in New Super Mario Bros Wii. I could be wrong about the latter, though.

    It was a decent year for games, but a lot of the big releases this year honestly did not appeal to me one but (Modern Warfare 2, Tekken 6 among others). What DID appeal to me though came in the form of Street Fighter 4, Left 4 Dead 2, Punch Out Wii, Uncharted 2, New Super Mario Bros. Wii and Zelda: Spirit Tracks. The year wasn’t without its disappointments though (Resident Evil 5, BlazBlue and King of Fighters XII). I also caught up on some retro games I missed out on such as Resident Evil, Super Metroid, Mother 3 and Mega Man games 2 through 5. The old favorite Guilty Gear continues to excite and my group’s skill level continues to rise. Though 2009 was decent, 2010 promises to be excellent with some triple-A titles coming out in the first quarter (Bayonetta anyone?)

    In terms of anime, 2009 was a little quiet in that respect. The year’s best in my opinion was Eden of the East with Moribito a close second. Other than that, I spent a lot of the year re-watching my favorites like Cowboy Bebop and Trigun.  Anime in 2010 better be more of a roar than this year’s whimper.

    2009 also saw the loss of some of my most respected celebrities, most notably Michael Jackson. Others like Bea Arthur, Billy Mays, Farrah Faucett and Patrick Swayze hurt too, but MJ’s loss was too great. The world lost an irreplaceable talent on June 26th and I don’t think the pain of that loss will ever truly disappear.

    And with that I bring my year in review to a close. What was said was said, and what is soon about to be in the past will be just that. In terms of my hopes for 2010, I would like to find another full-time job, read more, write more, learn more about computers and software that I’m interested in. Be less absentminded, be more focused in everything from my daily activities, to work and to achieving any goals I set for myself. And finding a girlfriend might also be nice. 2009 never gave me time to think about that aspect of my life. I hope 2010 will be more forgiving in that regard. I can hope.

    So my fellow xangans, Happy New Year. May the mistakes of the past be forgot and never brought to mind, and may the road ahead always lead to a clearing regardless of any bumps along the way.

                                                                                                        SEE YOU IN ’10 SPACE COWBOY…

                                                                                                     
     

December 25, 2009

  • Merry Christmas 2009

    Yes folks, it’s me, and it’s Christmas again. I sure have forgotten about this thing haven’t I? Well, what can I say- it’s been a rough year overall. But I’ll detail all that in another post. I want to start writing again, so I figure I’ll start with the Christmas update.

    This year Santa got me Uncharted 2 for the PS3, Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days and Zelda: Spirit Tracks for the DS, anime DVDs in the form of Evangelion 1.0 You Are (Not) Alone and Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG DVDs. I was quite satisfied with what I got. My sister, who recently moved out and was married, visited with her husband and we had the usual family feasting for lunch and dinner. As the years go by I’m realizing that Christmas for me is becoming less about the presents I get, and more about the traditions I take part in. I guess with age, that sense of wonderment and excitement fades after you realize that as an adult, disposable income makes it a lot easier to get whatever you want whenever you want, and not just under the tree on Christmas morning.

    Soon I will update with a much more elaborate post that’s been a long time coming, in which I will run down the events of the closing year. Look out for it, and until then Merry Christmas!

                                                                                                SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…

June 14, 2009

  • AnimeNext 2009

    Year number four, and AnimeNext proved once again to be quite the enjoyable experience. Unlike last year where I attended 2 out of the three days the con runs for, this year I went for only one day, yesterday. But it was made even more enjoyable for the fact that I had my first cosplay! A relatively easy cosplay mind you, but a cosplay nevertheless. I went as Louis from Valve’s co-op shooting game Left 4 Dead (as soon as I get my hands on some pictures I’ll upload them). The group I went with this year was a little smaller due to extenuating circumstances with several of my friends but it was still a great deal of fun. My buddy Eric went as Dan Hibiki, the awesome joke character of the Street Fighter series and my other friend Anna went as Chun-li of the same series. I must say I had to get used to people recognizing me and asking to pose for pictures but it comes with the territory and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention. Many complimented me on the cosplay as well so I think I’m off to a good start. For the most part I spent the day at the game room and the dealer’s room, which is outside the norm of my usual con-going routine but it was worth it. The gaming competition was heavy, as I was quickly eliminated from both the Guilty Gear (lost to a Slayer who chained Big Bang Upper) and the Street Fighter 4 tournaments (lost to a Honda who is one of Cammy’s worst matchups). I got in some wins during the casuals though, so it wasn’t all a loss. Sadly I didn’t buy any loot this year, as my newfound unemployment is forcing me to really watch my wallet…but I’m hoping to land a job soon so that for my next con in September (New York Anime Fest) I’ll be able to resume the usual geek-spending.

    I’ll admit there were times where I wondered if I’d be able to keep doing this on a yearly basis, but on my train ride home to Brooklyn I met some con-goers who happened to live in my neighborhood and in talking with them, they reminded me of how I was when I was a con-going newbie (these kids were 17-18 and this con was their first). I was pretty much reminded of the excitement and joy I’d have spending time at a place alongside like-minded people as well as that feeling of belonging that accompanies it. So I guess it’ll still be some time before I grow tired of the anime scene. Even if I have to drag my future wife and kids to cons, I will do it

    Well, back to the job hunt. Ja ne!

                                                                                                                SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…

May 25, 2009

  • Forever Broke (It’s Been A While)

    So much for coming back to update my post about my birthday huh. Well, I can make any number of excuses I want but the fact of the matter is that the past few months have wrought upon me so many different distractions that updating xanga has become even more difficult than ever before. I suppose that it’s only natural for that to happen as time progresses. However I do have the desire to write more, and despite the fact that this probably won’t be read anymore, I figure it’ll be a good exercise for me seeing as I haven’t done it in over six months.

    Well, I’ll try as best as I can to summarize the events that have occurred since my 24th birthday. I’m still working at Accounts Payable at the Weinstein Company; a job that I have grown accustomed to but certainly feel trapped in. But with the state of the economy the way it is, I’m lucky to be in a job, period. While I am grateful for that, I have always encountered moments where I begin to resent this period of my life. It sometimes feels as if all of my chances to succed, to be happy, have run out. Every day it’s the same old routine, work, home, sleep, with the occassional (read: frequent) video game to pass the time.What’s been keeping me somewhat sane is the time I spent with the group of friends I’ve managed to keep in close contact with since college. I think I depend on their company more now than ever before since when I’m with them it feels like I truly belong somewhere. A feeling I don’t always find at work, and even at home sometimes.

    Other than that, I saw some cool movies, Watchmen being my personal fav of the year, especially since I’ve read the graphic novel. I acquired a Playstation 3 in March and Street Fighter IV has been my game of choice to spend the most time with. I’ve also rekindeled my love for the retro, playing games in the Mega Man series. After beating 9 I’ve gone back to the beginning (well, almost) playing and beating 2, and currently trying to beat 3 (which is proving to be quite the ordeal). For my handhelds, I’m trying to get through Final Fantasy Tactics A2, God of War: Chains of Olympus, and Mother 3. Multitasking games has always been tough going for me, especially when this year is looking to be an exciting one for games in general (for fighters, BlazBlue and King of Fighters XII are highly anticipated, as well as the recently announced US bound game Tatsunoko vs Capcom). New RPGs on the horizion and remakes of old classics like Punch Out for the Wii are just a few of the games coming out that will ensure my career as a gamer continues well into the next decade. Whether that’s a good thing or not, has yet to be determined.

    I’ve also been going through something of a mid-twenties crisis personal-wise. When my brother was my age he was already married with a kid. Me? Far from it. Not to say that I wouldn’t like to find a relationship one day though; far from it. I’d been recently spending more time with a close friend from college that I’d like to take to another level…but that’s been hard to do as I’m terrible at expressing my feelings, and also due to the fact that since our last outing I haven’t heard from her since. So it’s quite discouraging to say the least. I’m trying my best not to make a big deal about it though. Key word is “trying”.

    As of this moment, it’s Memorial day which means I’m home. Should be going to hang with the gang later, which will be fun as always. This weekend I’ll be in Long Island for my friend Chris’ annual birthday weekend bash which I am highly anticipating.

    And that’s pretty much it. My future is quite uncertain right now. I have so many things I’d love to pursue but can’t because either I’m afraid of stepping outside my comfort zone, or because it’s just not feasible. I’d love for one day to wake up and truly feel happy about my life, but I don’t that will happen anytime soon. I think the last time that happened was when I was 15 years old, and it was the middle of summer vacation. Those were the days…

    Hopefully it won’t be another 6 months until my next update. Here’s hoping for a brighter day.

                                                                                              SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…

January 9, 2009

January 4, 2009

  • Best of 2008 (My Picks)

    And the new year goes along. It’s back to a regular work week tomorrow, but with one slight addition: my birthday at week’s end. I will be taking that day off, so it’ll be another long weekend for yours truly. Things at work will be a bit different as well; my old supervisor will take up her position as such again, and a new coworker should be added to the ranks. At any rate, this week will signal the resumption of my job search now that the holidays are over. I’ve got to find a way out of this rut somehow. As long as I don’t give up I should be ok.

    But anyway. Here’s my “Best of 2008″ list!

    The nominees for Best Anime of 2008 are:

    Air Gear
    Code Geass
    Kannagi
    Gundam 00 Season 2
    Hell Girl
    Moribito: Guardian of the Spirit

    The winner: Kannagi. This anime was the gem of the Fall season, and the kind of anime I’d been longing for ever since Tenchi Muyo, a similarly genred show. It had it all; interesting plot, cute girls, gags, and very tasteful fanservice. My only qualm about it is that it only lasted 13 episodes! They did leave it open for a second season though, which given its success and popularity in Japan seems like a matter of ‘when’ and not ‘if’. So it is with much anticipation that I look forward to that season, circa 2010 or so I predict.

    The nominees for Best Song of 2007 are:

    モンスター (trans, ‘Monster’) by Ellegarden
    Fire Cracker by Ellegarden
    Mr. Feather by Ellegarden
    Love is Growing by James Wendt (music by Yoko Kanno)
    Solus by James Wendt (music by Yoko Kanno)

    The winner: モンスター by Ellegarden. 2008 was the year of Ellegarden, a J-rock band I discovered almost by accident in early May. This song was the first I’d heard, and I was hooked. A catchy riff, strong vocals and even some poignant English lyrics sprinkled in made this song unmatched by any other I’d heard all year. It was by far the most played song of my Ipod that year, and will continue to be unless 2009 steps up and brings more musical lovliness to my ears.

    The nominees for Best Game of 2008 (that I’ve played in 2008) are:

    The Metroid Prime Trilogy
    Final Fantasy Tactics
    Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings
    Mega Man 9
    Super Smash Bros Brawl

    The winner: Final Fantasy Tactics. I had been introduced to the Tactics line of Final Fantasy via Tactics Advance for the GBA back in 2003. That games was based on the original for the Playstation that came out in 1998. Thanks to a good friend I was able to play the original in ’08 and I know now why it it so universally lauded. Deep, engrossing story, intense tactical fights and an absolutely amazing soundtrack cemented this as the best game I’ve played in 2008. Why hadn’t I played it before? Simple. I never owned a PS1, and when I got my PS2 I was too busy playing the current games and past FF titles. Even after I played Tactics Advance and made a point to play the original something or the other prevented me from doing so (mostly college related stuff). But as they say, better late than never. And boy was I happy that it turned out to be the former.

    Looking back, 2008 was a pretty good year for my hobbies. This year I hope to get a PS3, opening up myself to a library of even more titles. Bring it on.

                                                                                                    SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…

January 1, 2009

  • Happy New Year: Reflections and Expectations

    Another year has arrived. What a year 2008 was. I think it can be summed up best with some lyrics from a new song I’ve been listening to (and a nominee for my song of the year 2008).

    “Found and lost so many dreams,
     but some I still believe in,
     others I let walk away.

     Times I laughed and felt so free,
     and times I felt so little.
     The sudden highs and misery,
     yes, that is what you gave me.”

    — “Love is Growing Up”  James Wendt (composed by Yoko Kanno)

    It could not have been said any better. 2008 was a year of many laughs and many tears, many hopes and many fears. More than anything, it was a year where life began to get a lot harder. The worst economic recession since the Great Depression. A historic election and hope for a better day. In terms of my personal life, finally landing a job. Not the ideal job, not the best paying job, but a job. Growing closer to a group of friends from college that made me realize that it’s ok to be myself. A home situation that I have grown quite fed up with. Yes, this year had many ups and down. No different than any other year, but this year I’ve definitely seen a difference in the hardships as I now have to deal with the so-called “real world”. As it stands now, I still have the same old job at the Weinstein Company, still live at home and still yearn for a job in production/animation. Hopefully 2009 will be the year of change and evolution; in all aspects of my life.

    As for my resolutions…well, seeing as I only fulfilled one of them from 2008 I don’t think making resolutions is a good idea for me…but I’ll do it anyway.

    1. Leave Weinstein. Find either a job in production (full-time) or, find a part-time job and go back to school for animation/graphic design.

    2. Read more.

    3. Finish all the video games I currently have yet to finish:
     
    Earthbound
    Super Metroid
    Zelda: Ocarina of Time
    Devil May Cry 4
    Final Fantasy Tactics A2
    God of War: Chains of Olympus
    Resident Evil 4

    (wow. that’s a lotta games)

    4. Date

    5. Live somewhere other than my current residence. Be that on my own or in a new house with the family

    And that’s all for now. I hope 2009 brings you all your dreams fulfilled, and hope for the future.

                                                                                                                       SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY…