Well. Fuck that. Hannah used all the hot water. I went into mom's room, said something along the lines of: "Hannah used all the hot water and all I wanted to do was take a shower and I've felt like shit all day, and I'm just reading and listening to sad music and nothing's going right and *sob*"

Guess I got that cry I wanted.

Mom said something like, "But I thought you've been doing really good lately!"

Me: "*cries* it's because I don't want to tell you! *cries more*"

Well. That went well.

Back to the fics and depressing music.

Currently Listening Lights and Sounds By Yellowcard How I Go see related

So this is the middle of my second week of my second semester at HCC. I've already ended up dropping the ancient history because I missed the first class without realising it..seems classes started on the 28th instead of the 30th like I though..and I was too freaked to go. Also missed my first art class last week because of a panic attack. It's starting early this year, yeah? French has been ok since I'm used to it from last semester. Much as I hate the prof, I'm comfortable there because it's familiar. The whole scheduling of classes and work that I figured out has totally screwed me up. I was all happy at the idea of morning classes. Leave the whole afternoon free, ya know? Unfortunately I didn't take into account the fact that lately I can't function before the hour of ten o'clock in the morning.

Lemme write this all out for easier visualization:

Monday--typically my day off, both at work and at school, but since so many people have left the library recently, they've needed extra help, and thusly I've been recruited to work 1-3 for a couple of weeks.

Tuesday--French 12.30-1.50

Wednesday--Work 9-1

Thursday--French 12.30-1.50, Lab 2-2.50

Friday--What is supposed to be my art class 9-1 if I can manage to choke up the courage to go. Followed by work 3.30-5.30

Saturday--What was my history class 9.30-12.20, though now dropped. Work 3.30-5.30

Sunday--Work 3-5

Did I mention they cut my hours at work? Yeah no more 17 a week, it seems I'm down to 12, and will be cut to 10 after my Monday shifts are over. Sometimes I really really hate my supers. On a better note, yesterday was my one-year-anniversary of working at the library. Yay me. I want a raise.

The past couple of nights have been rough for me. I'm feeling mopey and panicky, and I'm kind of afraid to tell Mummy-dearest. 'M also low on vitamins, and we won't have the cash to buy more til the check comes sometime this week. Dunno how much of an effect that's having on me though. Took long enough to refill my Lexapro, what with each one costing fifty bucks--the refills not the pills--and having to wait for Prickmeister (aka That-Man-Who-is-Technically-My-Father) to both return our calls and come over with the cash. I was without for about four days, and that totally gives me the dizzy-spells. Not pleasant in the least.

Been on a diet the past week. Want to lose like whoa. Today was designated weigh in day..lost four pounds which was pretty awesome. Back when I was doing Weight Watchers, that was pretty standard for me weekly. Problem was I got out of the habit of watching what I ate and gained all twenty pounds back. The nice thing, however, is that when I get in the right mindframe, I can go for ages. It's easy for me to get into it...after I go for about three or so days of being constantly hungry while my stomach adjusts to not pigging all the time.

Tonight though, I feel like crap. I'm afraid of going to french tomorrow, cuz I skipped last class, and all I want to do is take a super long, super hot shower. Hannah just got out, so I think I'll go do that now.

I need a good cry. *sigh*

Currently Listening Quelqu'Un M'a Dit By Carla Bruni Chanson Triste see related

Ages ages ages. Believe me I know >.<

Soo. What's new? I got to play hostess/servant at a thing for my Grandpa last week. He can't do much because of the surgery he had on his shoulder, so mom and I have taken up some slack when it comes to him and Grammy. She's had a ton to do what with Grandpa's "Eightieth Anniversary of Moving to McDonogh" thing and numerous Christmases with various family members. Mom and I have done most of the cooking/cleanup for these lovely get-togethers. On her Christmas day thing with us and Uncle Peter and Aunt Patty, I made the entire meal. I don't resent it or anything like that, I'm just feeling overworked again. On top of all that, because of Christmas, mom had nothing in her checking account and little in savings, so I ended up giving her my paycheck to cover food bills. I don't regret giving it to her. I mean we needed the money for things other than what I would have spent it on. But I've got Christmas with JKJ on Thursday night, and I haven't finished getting their gifts. Also, I have to pay my way through dinner that night. And I doubt I'll be getting the money back from mom. In tiny incriments maybe, but it'll be more like "buy me this and it'll come out of the cash you owe me." Again. No resentment. Just a little "I have no money and omg what am I gonna do for the next two weeks?!" kind of panic. Or maybe I'm looking for an excuse to have a panic attack. Typical, yeah?

Haven't heard from Mr. First Kiss. Didn't expect to, but still. Dick.

Daddy-dearest called on Christmas. Wanted to come over and bring our "presents" (read check). You know the other day, he came over to give mom fifty bucks to pay for my med refils. Mom and I were just leaving so that I could get to work on time, so I was standing right there. Didn't even say hello to me. Dick. Sometimes, I swear I'm gonna go through with my threats and do something really nasty to his car. Or maybe I should tell him that I'm gay. He wouldn't know I'm just not sure. Hmm. That might be fun actually. He's bigoted enough that he'd prolly freak. Once Jenny even told me that she'd pose as my girlfriend if I thought it'd really get to him...needless to say, she doesn't like him all that much. We'll see what happens I suppose.

Off to drown myself in fics and music. Toodles.

Katie

Currently Listening Ocean Avenue By Yellowcard Only One see related

So. The kiss. Umm. Quite anticlimactic and all that. Well, actually maybe not so much. It's definately something I'll remember for a looong time, but perhaps not so much for the kiss but for what happened afterwards. Kaitlynn says I've surpassed her. Not sure if that's a good thing. There was more than kissing, but not all the way, and that's all I think I'm gonna say here.

Needless to say I'm really really confused now. I thought this might help me decide what exactly is going on with me when it comes to boys and girls and which I prefer or if I like both or what. I didn't enjoy it as much as I though I would, and now I don't know if it's just because of the guy I was with or if it was because I was with a guy. So now I'm totally lost. Moreso than before. Wonder what it'd be like with the person I really like? *ponders*

Le sigh,

Katie