shinomiko's Xanga

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 21:49:28 GMT

Well. Fuck that. Hannah used all the hot water. I went into mom's room, said something along the lines of: "Hannah used all the hot water and all I wanted to do was take a shower and I've felt like shit all day, and I'm just reading and listening to sad music and nothing's going right and *sob*"

Guess I got that cry I wanted.

Mom said something like, "But I thought you've been doing really good lately!"

Me: "*cries* it's because I don't want to tell you! *cries more*"

Well. That went well.

Back to the fics and depressing music.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 21:35:54 GMT

So this is the middle of my second week of my second semester at HCC. I've already ended up dropping the ancient history because I missed the first class without realising it..seems classes started on the 28th instead of the 30th like I though..and I was too freaked to go. Also missed my first art class last week because of a panic attack. It's starting early this year, yeah? French has been ok since I'm used to it from last semester. Much as I hate the prof, I'm comfortable there because it's familiar. The whole scheduling of classes and work that I figured out has totally screwed me up. I was all happy at the idea of morning classes. Leave the whole afternoon free, ya know? Unfortunately I didn't take into account the fact that lately I can't function before the hour of ten o'clock in the morning.

Lemme write this all out for easier visualization:

Monday--typically my day off, both at work and at school, but since so many people have left the library recently, they've needed extra help, and thusly I've been recruited to work 1-3 for a couple of weeks.

Tuesday--French 12.30-1.50

Wednesday--Work 9-1

Thursday--French 12.30-1.50, Lab 2-2.50

Friday--What is supposed to be my art class 9-1 if I can manage to choke up the courage to go. Followed by work 3.30-5.30

Saturday--What was my history class 9.30-12.20, though now dropped. Work 3.30-5.30

Sunday--Work 3-5

Did I mention they cut my hours at work? Yeah no more 17 a week, it seems I'm down to 12, and will be cut to 10 after my Monday shifts are over. Sometimes I really really hate my supers. On a better note, yesterday was my one-year-anniversary of working at the library. Yay me. I want a raise.

The past couple of nights have been rough for me. I'm feeling mopey and panicky, and I'm kind of afraid to tell Mummy-dearest. 'M also low on vitamins, and we won't have the cash to buy more til the check comes sometime this week. Dunno how much of an effect that's having on me though. Took long enough to refill my Lexapro, what with each one costing fifty bucks--the refills not the pills--and having to wait for Prickmeister (aka That-Man-Who-is-Technically-My-Father) to both return our calls and come over with the cash. I was without for about four days, and that totally gives me the dizzy-spells. Not pleasant in the least.

Been on a diet the past week. Want to lose like whoa. Today was designated weigh in day..lost four pounds which was pretty awesome. Back when I was doing Weight Watchers, that was pretty standard for me weekly. Problem was I got out of the habit of watching what I ate and gained all twenty pounds back. The nice thing, however, is that when I get in the right mindframe, I can go for ages. It's easy for me to get into it...after I go for about three or so days of being constantly hungry while my stomach adjusts to not pigging all the time.

Tonight though, I feel like crap. I'm afraid of going to french tomorrow, cuz I skipped last class, and all I want to do is take a super long, super hot shower. Hannah just got out, so I think I'll go do that now.

I need a good cry. *sigh*

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:21:47 GMT

Ages ages ages. Believe me I know >.<

Soo. What's new? I got to play hostess/servant at a thing for my Grandpa last week. He can't do much because of the surgery he had on his shoulder, so mom and I have taken up some slack when it comes to him and Grammy. She's had a ton to do what with Grandpa's "Eightieth Anniversary of Moving to McDonogh" thing and numerous Christmases with various family members. Mom and I have done most of the cooking/cleanup for these lovely get-togethers. On her Christmas day thing with us and Uncle Peter and Aunt Patty, I made the entire meal. I don't resent it or anything like that, I'm just feeling overworked again. On top of all that, because of Christmas, mom had nothing in her checking account and little in savings, so I ended up giving her my paycheck to cover food bills. I don't regret giving it to her. I mean we needed the money for things other than what I would have spent it on. But I've got Christmas with JKJ on Thursday night, and I haven't finished getting their gifts. Also, I have to pay my way through dinner that night. And I doubt I'll be getting the money back from mom. In tiny incriments maybe, but it'll be more like "buy me this and it'll come out of the cash you owe me." Again. No resentment. Just a little "I have no money and omg what am I gonna do for the next two weeks?!" kind of panic. Or maybe I'm looking for an excuse to have a panic attack. Typical, yeah?

Haven't heard from Mr. First Kiss. Didn't expect to, but still. Dick.

Daddy-dearest called on Christmas. Wanted to come over and bring our "presents" (read check). You know the other day, he came over to give mom fifty bucks to pay for my med refils. Mom and I were just leaving so that I could get to work on time, so I was standing right there. Didn't even say hello to me. Dick. Sometimes, I swear I'm gonna go through with my threats and do something really nasty to his car. Or maybe I should tell him that I'm gay. He wouldn't know I'm just not sure. Hmm. That might be fun actually. He's bigoted enough that he'd prolly freak. Once Jenny even told me that she'd pose as my girlfriend if I thought it'd really get to him...needless to say, she doesn't like him all that much. We'll see what happens I suppose.

Off to drown myself in fics and music. Toodles.

Katie

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 00:09:58 GMT

So. The kiss. Umm. Quite anticlimactic and all that. Well, actually maybe not so much. It's definately something I'll remember for a looong time, but perhaps not so much for the kiss but for what happened afterwards. Kaitlynn says I've surpassed her. Not sure if that's a good thing. There was more than kissing, but not all the way, and that's all I think I'm gonna say here.

Needless to say I'm really really confused now. I thought this might help me decide what exactly is going on with me when it comes to boys and girls and which I prefer or if I like both or what. I didn't enjoy it as much as I though I would, and now I don't know if it's just because of the guy I was with or if it was because I was with a guy. So now I'm totally lost. Moreso than before. Wonder what it'd be like with the person I really like? *ponders*

Le sigh,

Katie

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 18:58:08 GMT

Got my first kiss tonight. Am confused. Will elaborate later after Mom, Hannah, and I get back from dinner.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 22:10:56 GMT

It's been like forever and a day since I last wrote in here, and thankfully I'm feeling much better.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with Jules at Hunan Manor *drools* and then we went to see Rent. Oh the wonderful wonderful things I could say about that movie. The music and the acting and the angst...oh it was just so perfect. I keep telling people this and as cliche as it sounds it was just so amazingly powerful to me. I cried through the last twenty minutes both because of one of the characters' deaths, and because of the heart breaking dynamics between the rest of the cast. Ohhh Roger and Mimi.... Favorite piece had to be 'La Vie Boheme.' I <3 Mark!!

Anyways I got most of my Christmas shopping done today, so that's always good. On the other hand this week is finals, and also my Grandpa is having surgery on Thursday. Hopefully it'll end up that they just have to do some very minor laser work on his shoulder, but if it doesn't work then they're going to have to completely tear it open and work from there. Needless to say that Grammy's in a state. Then I have Christmas with Grandpa Viggo, Evelyn, Peter, Patty, Sasha, Alex and my family (I still have to call out of work on Sunday for that >.<) and then maybe--hopefully--my french lab class will all be going out to dinner somewhere in Ellicott City to celebrate end of term. We'll see how all that ends up. *Le Sigh*

Happy Holidays and thank F*cking GOD for end of term!!

Katie

PS. Also thank f*cking god for sisters willing to spend 20 euros on a CD shipped all the way from France just for lil ol' me!! Yay Superbus!!!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 23:49:30 GMT

Today is one of the days where I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I haven't cried in such a long time that I'm beginning to feel like I can't anymore. Tonight, though I broke down a bit. Must have had something to do with reading semi-death fics and listening to the song that I used to cut to. Spent about five minutes or so sobbing onto the desk. I want to cut again. I want to see the blood. I want to feel something other than the tears welling behind my eyes, knowing that they won't fall.

For the past couple days I've had trouble sleeping at night. I thought it might have been a PMS-y thing, but I guess I was wrong. I'm back to being afraid to fall asleep and not wanting to get out of bed when I wake up in the morning. I haven't missed any pills, and I can't think of any reasons why I feel like this again. At Thanksgiving dinner when we were going around saying what we were thankful for, I said that I haven't had any major relapses in about a year. Guess I jinxed myself.

God it hurts.

playground school bell rings, again

rain clouds come to play, again

has no one told she's not breathing?

hello, i'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to, hello

if i smile and don't believe

soon i know i'll wake from this dream

don't try to fix me, i'm not broken

hello, i'm the lie living for you so you can hide

don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping

hello, oh i'm still here, all that's left of yesterday

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 22:57:45 GMT

Happy Turkey Day all! I spent today standing in the kitchen cooking my butt off, only to spend like ten minutes at the table later on eating. We were all starving, but after one plate..all done. *Growls* But at least there are ginormous amounts of leftovers (Grammy's applle pie!!!)

Kaitlynn's birthday was the 21st, and she had Jenny, Jessica and I spend the night of the 22nd-Julie couldn't make it. Admitedly I did something very stupid and went along with the others and got drunk on strawberry freezies and rum and cokes. With one Corona at the end of the night. It was the first time I've ever gotten drunk, and I don't think I'll be doing it again soon. Alcohal tastes terrible (especially Bacardi) and the guilt that goes along with knowing that I did it when I wasn't supposed to is pretty awful. I also lost total control over my tongue and started angsting over the person I really really like. Apparently I should just get it over with and kiss them, or so the others say. Not too sure how that would turn out, much as I'd love to. Prolly turn me down in the end.

Need to register for spring classes at HCC, and work on my research paper for Art History. The outline's done, I just need to track down some more sources and transfer all the info from the outline into an 8 page paper. Luck and all that, yeah?

Katie

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 21:32:40 GMT

Gah. Harry Potter was so good. Pissed me off a bit that they skipped a bunch of important things (which I will not go into here..), but whatever. They can't have everything in the movies, I suppose. Cedric wasn't in it nearly enough...Robert Pattison is very hot, and the pictures from the New York showing, just gah.

Showed up to work today at 1.30 like usual only to be told that I wasn't on the schedule to work, but hey since I was there would I mind staying? Really shorthanded and all...Bollocks. Could have had another day off. Grr-ness.

"When I get back to Seattle, I want a full pardon. And a parade. And a little pink poodle. On a keychain."

--Double Jeopardy is an awesome movie. Tommy Lee Jones is great, and that has to be the funniest line EVER.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 19:52:46 GMT

HarryPotterOMG*dies*

*droooooool*

That is all.