Having unsupportive mother sometimes is a loss, but sometimes it can be a bonus too. At early 20’s, I just realized that I have missed a lot of chances, they were in my gripped hands but I just let it go as if it’s a temporary  desire not realizing the bonding between it and my soul.

I had the chance to decide my life, I had the chance to decide who I want to be but I regret that I failed to convince myself that I’m capable for it. I had the chance to be someone better than whom I am today, I had the chance to be someone that I can be proud of but I failed to draw the path for my life and remain as a new leaf since hundred years ago. I don’t want to admit this, but deep down inside me, I do blame him for the nasty person I almost become before but I also thank him for the little things I’ve gained and  to the extent of pain that I’ve overcome.

He took everything that is not his, my pride, my dreams but he also showed me the cruelty of the world and somehow I learnt how to survive and not falling inside it again. When I mentioned the cruelty of the world, I didn’t mean the people, I meant the greatest feeling that able to change from a father to a murderer, which is love.

Then, there were you as my backbone to support the unrecognized burden out of nowhere. You were never supportive enough through my schooling years, you never showed me the person that I could be but the person that I should be. You never compliment my hard work instead you forced me to strive for more but after all at least you know the time when I really need your supports.

I slowly understand what you want to show me for all this time, you just want me to be stronger than you are so you can lean on me when your wobble legs can’t stand no more. You just want me to be successful than you so you can be part of the victory when you lose in your own war. Again, you never compliments not because you don’t want to, you just believe that I should follow the way how you grew up. Without compliments, with nothing but pain and love that push you more.

Today, I’m more thoughtful than who I am yesterday, I’m more matured and more selfish too but all those are for my life. I’m blind for the eyes with their sharp stare, I’m deaf for the whispers passing around the hall and I’m numb for the jealousy that attempting to stab my heart.

Thank you mother,

For whom I am today…

I love you…

Living in this cruel world, having a true love is a slight chance for everybody. Countless heart-brokens needed to be faced and you’ll find one, only if you’re lucky. Some people still looking back to their past and regret for the decisions they made.

To me, love is the feelings you have for someone, the dreams you want to live on with someone and the world you want to build with someone. And that someone is the only one you want to share all your secrets, all your trusts, your strength and weakness.

Phoenix is the image of love from the way I look at it. It is strong, alive, aggressive, dangerous but with a sense of femininity.  It’s a myth but everyone believes in it. So does love, too good to be true and the existence of it almost unreal but people still hopes for one to come.

I never thought about this crucially until one of my girlfriend, Kim asked me. I believe true love lives in every soul that believes in love. I believe that the true love has a string that will be attached to the right person and it sparks without you to realize it. I believe love don’t have to be searched, just never letting go all the chances away.

Love while you can, take the risk and gamble your heart. The person who you smile at could be the person you’re going to live forever. It doesn’t have to go through friends, or through your school or workplace. Maybe that someone is just someone who you share your cab with. World is too big for a glance, maybe we should stare at it longer and notice the things in it.

I never had a kiss that I thought about even until the morning strikes. I’m the kind of person that has been missing a lot of things, my first-timers weren’t special which includes love, holding-hands, kiss and so on.

End of July, I had the best kiss ever and again, it’s too much for my heart and I’m blaming the alcohol. Believe me, I wanted to put the description about the kiss as detailed as it was that night but I just can’t find the perfect wordings for it.

That was also the first time ever a guy ever rub his nose against mine. See? *Laugh* how I missed my teenage life where I supposed to enjoy every moments of love? It was more like to dancing, jamming and gaming. After whole day teasing friends and teachers in school, hanging out with pals and talk about hot girls that rock.

I was embarrassed that moment, I felt like it was my first kiss. It feels so much like it. If I could, I want it to be my first kiss.

Let me tell you about my first kiss, I was sitting at the staircase, I was fourteen and my boyfriend came up to me. We were talking and then suddenly he just kissed me, witnessed by the little boy from the neighborhood. He just loves to follow me around and that time he was peeking on me. What is his name again?

Know what happened next? I ran back to my home, silence for few days and request for breaking up.

That kiss. It was a mutual kiss, it was slow and steady, sweet and passionate. As how I felt it, it feels like every muscles in my body expanded and suddenly, I just can’t breathe. And even right at this moment, where I’m writing about the part where we kissed, my throat shrivels.

I spent the whole night thinking about the kiss and giggles under my quilt. Sometimes I pounded my feet on the floor, can’t stand the thoughts of it. Then at moments, I would sat up-straight, inhaled and exhaled all my worries, then thinking back about the kiss again.

*Giggle* I get too silly that night. I put on sentimental songs and I danced alone, walked up to the mirror, giving off the best smile and said “They said, the prettiest face is when you’re in love. Guess what? This is the prettiest of you.”