I have no clue where to even start. I just got home. I'm tired, but I need to write this out to organize my thoughts because even I have no idea what's going on through my head.
Remember Jojo? I didn't write much about her because I thought it was just a fling thing. When I first met her, my first impressions were "hm, her lifestyle is similar to mine". The one problem was: I thought I had no chance. Will and Carl didn't know if I did or not, but I honestly thought she was out of my league. So after a month of just ignoring the impulses I had, I did a white rose thing (lol Mandy =P) which I also didn't write about. I went so far to ignoring what was there that I wasn't even writing it hoping it'd just go away. Later on in the week, I told her I liked her and....well, who the hell would believe me? After that I told her "I'll tell you who I really like in a week". By the end of that week I ended up dating Karen. Truth be told, I was trying to make myself like her. I even used Xanga to brain wash my stupid shit self because I wanted to do anything BUT follow my feelings. So Mandy, you were right, I did screw with myself too far. Will and Alfred's response to me dating Karen was "wtf". Alfred told me he could imagine me with Lucy, but why the hell Karen? So...what snapped me out of this web of lies that I created to hide myself in?
On Monday, at around 4:30AM, Jojo messaged me to see how I was doing. I was joking around about going out to eat (I was hungry though) and figured she wouldn't go. She actually said ok. I went out without my hair done and wearing glasses....and once again when she asked who I liked, told her it was her. She still didn't believe me. I honestly cannot remember if it was that day or the next where things started getting crazy, what I do remember is that I didn't sleep for a day and some odd hours because I was with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I started to realize I could do something I couldn't for a long time: be who I really am. I don't need to keep a different facade on everytime I saw her, I could literally speak my mind and she wouldn't mind.
Later on, I found out she was so similar to me to the point where we had the exact same thoughts. It went down to the point where we both had feelings but were still uncomfortable with starting anything because we're scared. I know that I need to be the one to push forward....but as I told her, I want to wait and see if naturally, there will be a moment where we click. Right now, there are too many things making me feel insecure...just to name a few.
1. Jay, Amanda's boy friend, is for sure going to tell her not to date me if he finds out
2. We're both afraid of getting cheated on
3. I still think she's out of my league in a way (simply because of the way she looks, personality wise.....hell, she's pratically my twin)
The biggest problem right now is that I've hid my true self underneath so much shit I can't even pull it out sometimes. That emotional side of me that I had two years ago is nearly gone. I can barely pull out enough emotions to write this. As Amanda said "Why was your armor on so thick when we were dating?" right after the break up. I don't want to hide myself anymore, and before I even let myself start something I need to take the risk of being myself completely. Around her I can be myself, but the minute I'm alone I find me lying to myself again.
I need to sleep because I need to work out. But there are other reasons why I want to chase after her. I really am scared....but I don't want to let that control me. I want to find out what happens at the end of this new chapter and I want to do so being who I really am. So for now, this will be a prologue...before I start anything, I need to stop lying to myself. So tonight, I won't hold anything back. I'm not going to sleep kicking thoughts out of my mind, I'm going to sleep and literally be thinking about her the whole night. Perhaps I'm digging myself a hole and jumping in....but I need to find out what happens, simply because the emotions are that strong.
Chatboard (0)