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shrink_with_tears
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Nixy Gender: Female Interests: music Expertise: hiding Message: message me Member Since: 12/11/2006

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Friday, December 15, 2006

I've made up my mind, and that's all that there is to it. I won't eat today. No questions asked. Green tea and water. Maybe a black coffee if I'm in need of caffeine. At dinner I'll order a salad, but I won't eat it. I'll engage in intense conversation and hence "forget" to eat. Coupled with the "I already ate" and pushing around the food.. I should be good. No one suspects there. I don't think.

My Christmas gift to myself is going to be 100lbs. A nice way to begin a new year's resolution of 90. So that's about ten days 'till Christmas. (ahhhh!) Should be easy. A pound a day. I'll need less than a pound a day. This will work, as long as I can stick to a plan for once.

I think I have this sick thought in my head that if I don't eat, if I regain that control in my life, if I drop another ten pounds, all these problems will dissolve. It won't matter if they love me.. it won't matter if I don't get into my college of choice.. it won't matter if I let my gpa drop. Or maybe a part of me thinks that if I am in a different body I will be able to focus on those things. My fat will stop eating my brain. I'll be able to get my room spotless again, homework will be a breeze. I have no social life left to worry about anyway, so there are no problems there.

I'm feeling a bit isolated this morning. It's just me and my tea.

6:40 AM - 22 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I have to go to a company dinner tomorrow night. It's sort of bogus, as the company I work for is Dunkin Donuts. Company dinner.. haha. what are we going to discuss? The different techniques of pouring a cup of joe? whatever. My issue here is with an event so focused around food, I have to find a way to get around eating without drawing attention to myself. Maybe I'll order a salad. If it comes on a big enough plate I could just push it around so it looks like there are spots where I ate. And it's not the most terrible food in the world to be forced to eat a few bites of. If anyone says anything I can pull the "I ate a big lunch" route. *sigh* It's also formal, and my arms look HUGE in the dress I am wearing. I'm a little happy though, because when I bought the dress about a year ago I bought it a size to small. I didn't eat for 4 straight days to fit in it. I didn't wear it after the event I bought it for, and it fits just fine a year later. For some reason I thought that I'd gained weight. It would be nice if it fit a little big, but it's better than I expected.

So.. if anyone has any ideas regarding the whole dinner situation, I'd appreciate it! I normally just avoid these sort of situations all together, but it's mandatory. Aside from the food thing it should be fun.

5:59 PM - 20 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Monday, December 11, 2006

in a box

*edit*

i am very sorry, but the only response you will get from me if you ask me how to lose weight is to eat healthy. I don't support the development of eating disorders. The thing is.. they ARE deadly. A lot of my writings with be light humored.. but that's simply because that is the only way I know how to handle my disease. The way I am did not come overnight. I don't think it's fun. I've been to councilors.. but to no avail. This is NOT something I suggest anyone experiment with. There is no part of it that is fun. It's not something you can just end, or decide to stop. I don't mind offering advice to anyone, but I am going to use my best judgement and offer what I believe to be the healthiest path for you. I know enough about nutrition in it's healthy sense to write a book. I can tell you how to build a healthy meal plan that will make you lose weight. Please.. don't take the path I've chosen. And yes.. there is a point where you choose. It's VERY early on. And then you lose your ability to choose. You lose your control.

On another note, I'll get some pictures and stuff up soon. Sorry it's so boring.

*end edit*

Hey! This is my first post. I've had a xanga in the past that I kept up for 2 years, but I'd like to start over. My site name seems to be a bit emo.. haha.. let me assure you that I am generally not a negative person, but the subject of my writing needs a fitting title. Here is a little about myself:

You can call me Nixy. I am seventeen years old, and a senior in highschool. I take all AP classes. I tend to pass only because of my good test scores. I rarely do my work. Maybe more on that later.

I have bipolar character traits. I am a perfectionist neat freak, yet you can't see the floor in my room. My closet is organized by color and style, all the hangers facing the right way. My makeup is organized by bottle size and frequency of use. My bed is never made. The books in the shelf are alphabetized. The rest are thrown around the room. I make no sense.

I love to help people. I love to help animals. I basically just love to see people happy. I can be a pushover. I can't take confrontation well. Insults can't escape my lips.

I've held down the same job for two years. It's alright.

My lowest weight is 99lbs. My highest is 120. I am about 5'2".

I am a green tea addict. I don't really think it makes you lose weight though.

If I weighted 75lbs I'd still diet. It's not all about the weight to me.

Anorexic? No.. Bulimic? Not really..

I go days without eating.. but generally after a binge.

I exercise religiously each morning before school.

I frequent the gym after school as well.

I've gone through periods when I threw up 5-6 times a day.. but that's generally not me.

I prefer restriction to any other form of dieting.

I've been most successful when hardcore fasting.

Enough about me. I made this because I get lonely with my secret. I don't expect anyone I talk to via xanga to be able to help me.. either to lose weight or recover.. but sharing my experiences with people who actually understand.. who have lived with what I live with.. people who UNDERSTAND.. it's life saving sometimes.. so I'll update later. Don't be afraid to comment me please. That's what I make this thing for. I love any sort of comment.. even hate comments! haha. And I'd appreciate some people to share with.

7:55 PM - 24 views - 6 eprops - 4 comments - email it