I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

this is so my heart right now. im not even sure if it should be. i shouldnt be waiting for him. God said no. for all i know, it could be forever. but something in me says that its just for now. maybe thats just what i want and not what He has planned.

I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart

brooke fraser, why are we so much alike right now? why are our hearts seemingly the same? you wrote about your rwanda trip. me, my tanzania trip. you, your Angeline. me, my Joy. and we both seem to have the same voice. we both have a passion for Hosanna. you wrote it, i breathe it.
now that i have seen, i am responsible. faith without deeds is dead. now that i have held you in my own arms, i cannot let go til you are.  

i want to be in your position. you seem flawless. you travel the world and tell them about rwanda and what God has done there. I sit here and try to write out my experiences, hoping that i might have a few minutes to share. just wait for the right time, i hear it too often. i hate that. i am tired of waiting for everything. things were looking up for a while. now im just not sure. help me albertine.

um. im not doing well.
i've been restricting and excercising and obeying ed.
so i've decided to apply for mercy ministries. i feel like i need to do this. i need to go away for six months and receive healing. im not doing well at all.
im terrified. i dont want to leave everything i know here and go to the opposite side of the country to confront my disorder. six months is quite some time. but, at the same time, what is six months in comparison to the rest of my life? so i'll start college a little bit later. so i'll have to wait. but im only seventeen. i have so much to learn. i am so lost. i cant even take care of myself.
i know that if i dont get help right now, im going to be worse off than i was a year ago before i went into treatment. worse off. meaning, ana and ed will probably kill me.
i have to do this.
its crazy how quickly things changed. i have to get help before i get worse.
i really need support right now. anyone?

i am distraught because.

i want so much. i want to dance with you. i want to know where your heart is. i want to be the only one for you. i want to know that i can call you at any time of the day and you'll be excited to hear my voice. i want to know that you want to dance with me. i dont want to be uncertain anymore.

theres part of me that believes that you are lying to me. youre just telling me this because you dont want to hurt my feelings. part of me says that its not true and you dont care about me at all. part of me wants to believe that you dont care so that i'll be able to move on with no attachments. ill be able to let go. that part of me says that youre not the one for me. that part screams that you will never care the way i care. it says you are making up excuses to get away.

and then theres the other part. the bigger part that says that this is so incredibly right. the part that finds your eyes and feels the connection that only we can feel. that part says that youre just scared and you dont know if you can really be who you think youre supposed to be. that part is rational. its filled with hope. its filled with certainty. that part of me knows that everything is going to work out exactly how i think it will. that part of me fills me with love that ive never known. its a glorious feeling to know that love is on its way. love is ready to come pouring out of me. this part of me says that you need me more than i need you which is a giganctic reality that you'll have to learn. this part of me tells me that im going to teach you how to let go. how to grab on to Him even more. how to wait and see how far He will take you. take me. take us.

i want there to be an us. and you know that. you really know that. why cant you understand that this is what we are meant to do. where we are meant to go.

but. im left with this. i cant keep thinking about you and me and us. there is a war going on between the world and deliverance. this is an emergency. we cannot be silent. i have my work cut out for me. its time for me to step out into the down-trodden world and lift up the lost and unsaved. how can i sit here and think about my petty problems when there are so many people in need of help and safety. so i guess...i know im ready. its your turn to figure it out. its your time to become ready. you dont believe that i am, i can tell, but you'll have to trust me on this one. im ready for you. while i focus on my mission, you figure out when you'll be ready, and come to me. i'll always be here.

So I read proverbs 4:23. And I love it, yes, but then I wanted to read it in context. So I read proverbs 4. Wisdom is supreme. Get wisdom and get understanding. Do not forsake wisdom and she will protect you. Love her and she will watch over you. What a comforting thought. If we are wise, we are protected. Nothing can harm us if we have wisdom. So what do we need to be wise for? Wisdom for what? I think the only way we can have true wisdom is from Him. So if we really are wise, its of the Lord and we are protected. He will never leave us or forsake us. He IS wisdom. If we have Him, we have wisdom and protection all in one. What an awesome, comforting thought.
though it cost all you have, get understanding. Woah what?! Though it cost all I have? No thank you, I’ll keep what I have. But which is better? Understanding or what I have? And what do I have? Everything I have is nothing until I have Him. And by fully following Him, taking up my cross and following Him, I have everything. So take up my cross, abandon everything I know and follow Him and I will have understanding, wisdom and protection. Wow! What else you got God?!

When you walk, your steps will not be hampered, when you run, you will not stumble. There’s that protection thing again. And guidance. I get this picture of running through a dark forest…eyes closed…and I never hit a tree I never hit an uprising root. I jump at the right time and duck at the right time and turn at the right time. Nothing is in my way. If we surrender everything and follow Him we will have guidance, understanding, wisdom, and protection! He will take us through that forest and tell us not to look at the terrifying things ahead and He will guide us through, coming out without a single scratch.

Do not set foot on the path of evil men. I see myself opening my eyes and seeing everything that scares me in the forest. Its dark, I hear the rustle of the trees thinking them to be someone creeping up on me. I get scared that I’ll run into a tree…
turn from it and go on your way. I close my eyes and He guides me again. :]

Then there’s this picture of addiction. They cannot sleep till they do evil…they do not know what makes them stumble. They are so far into their wickedness that they cant go without it, they cant sleep or find peace, they’ve seen the forest and they’ve given into it. They fall, but they don’t know what hit them. They want other people to feel their pain and loneliness. They are addicted to trying to drag people down with them. But we need to close our eyes to this, knowing that its reality, and we need to trust that He will guide us past them.

Do not let my words out of your sight for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body. Woah strong. Life to those who find them. So true. These words help me to remember to completely trust Him. If I do, look at all He promises me! Peace, guidance, understanding, wisdom and protection. If we follow Him, we have life. He gives us our health. Wow. Love it.

Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. What does that mean? Guard you heart? It think it means to not just give it away. I don’t mean just romantically. You can give your heart away to passion, to something you love, to this world, to knowledge, to thoughts, to desire, to anything! And once you’ve given it away completely to anything but our Savior, its hard to get it back. Look at the evil men who cannot sleep. They’ve given their heart away to evil things and they don’t know how to get it back. They are so stuck. We need to watch and make sure that we don’t give our hearts away to the worldly things. BUT! If we have Christ, He promises us that He will protect us. He will protect our hearts. He will keep us from giving our hearts away to the wrong thing, person, idea…etc…If we truly love Him and praise Him and give our lives to Him, we cant possibly give our hearts away to the wrong thing. His desires are our desires. His wisdom becomes ours. He gives us understanding and direction. Our hearts are the wellspring of life. So true. If our hearts are His, everything we are and everything we do will be from Him. He created this world, how can what He tells us and stirs us to do be wrong?

Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or left, keep your foot from evil. Look straight ahead to the future…to what He has planned. Fix your gaze before you. Always look to Him. Always always always! Take the firm ways. The only thing that is firm is Him. He is the foundation. He is our rock. What is more firm than a rock? Look straight and don’t go right or left. Just keep going straight. It’s the only way to go.

I really got a lot out of this. You know what? Im putting music to this. Here is my contribution to the scripture cd. :]] im excited.

And here’s just a final thought. If we are honoring God in all we do, how can we be wrong?

If He has my heart, He gives me my desires, He gives me my passions and my dreams and hopes. He protects me and guides me and gives me peace. He loves me unconditionally and shows me every moment of every day. Through everything I’ve gone through, I’ve come to really understand this. Only with Him will things make sense. When I was in my eating disorder, nothing made sense. I was confused all of the time. I never knew where I was going, what I was doing, why I was doing the things I was doing…etc etc…but then when I went into the hospital and rededicated my life to Him, I picked up hyper speed. My treatment team said that I flew by therapy in the PHP so quickly, they knew I had something that the others didn’t. I was so shocked. How could I, a girl who needed so much help, minister to the people who were helping her? It blew my mind. But then, everything made sense. I knew why I starved myself for so long. I knew how to fix it, I just knew! It was the most amazing feeling. The cloudy feeling in my brain went away, most of my insecurities began to fade, I helped so many people in that program and I saw a new light in their faces. Most of all, I had this sense. Its weird, but I knew who had an ED and who I should talk to and I knew exactly what to say to them. I had such a direction, a purpose. And it was only because I had Him. I have never been so sure of myself in my life. I remember the turning point in treatment. I had totally hit rock bottom. I had so much trouble talking to my therapists and psychiatrist and dietician. I had nowhere else to look but up. So I cried out to God. I had no idea what to do. It was too painful to look back at what I had gone through and begin to sort through what I had tried to erase. So I asked Him to pick me up and start to do it for me. And you know what?! He did! I started to just get through it all. Everything really just made perfect sense. Why would I be going through all of this if there wasn’t a purpose? I didn’t know what purpose that was…but I knew I would figure it out later…He promised me. And I totally did. I went through six long years of anorexia so that I could help girls and boys find an end to their suffering. I understand eating disorders so well. I can help them find their way to close their eyes and trust in Him. Close their eyes and run through the forest. That is my purpose. That is my position in this world. Lead them to Him. He is their health. Their desperately needed health. He is their life when they feel that they are already dead. He is their protection from that voice that rips their bodies apart. He is their guidance away from the self abuse, the path amongst the evil. He is their peace when everything is overwhelming. He is their understanding when every distorted thought doesn’t make sense. He is their wisdom, their one glimmer of hope amidst the despair and anger and disappointment and depression. And how am I so sure of this? Because I was there.

He was my health the day I collapsed on top of my stairs, He kept me alive. He was my life the day I almost died. He was my protection when I felt threatened by the voice that told me I was better off six feet under or better off just skin and bones. He was my guidance away from the gym that consumed my thoughts and feelings. He was my peace when I was in the middle of a raging war. He was my understanding when I couldn’t even begin to comprehend everything I had been through. He was my wisdom when I was standing on a ledge, ready to jump. He was my glimmer of hope, the hand that reached out and grabbed my arm, holding me back from ending my life. He is my everything. They need to know it. They who are stuck on their evil path. And how will they know if I don’t tell or show them? I’ve been given a caring heart for this reason. His love overflows from my protected heart and He has told me to pour it out on those that are too scared to take it for themselves. This is my calling. Its taken me seven years to really grasp it. And now that I have, I cant wait to see what else He has planned.  

If you got married to the last person that kissed you, what would your name be?
Lauren Hunt

What did you do this afternoon?
i cleaned and put away my clothes.

When do you plan on having kids or your next kid?
never.

Do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
yes. i know many.

Do you think about your ex(s)?
im kind of forced to all of the time.

Can you use chopsticks?
yesssss! i can now!

I bet you miss someone right now.
hey! you are the one that ive been looking for...


Do you know someone that's colorblind?
i do! chris. my sister's boyfriend.

Last time you were on the phone?
a few minutes ago.

What are you excited for?
tonight! we are going to go swimming and watch gladiator and play checkers and stretch!



Ever been to the Statue of Liberty?
yes i have twice. not that cool...

Look to your left what do you see?
my face. :]]

If you're in a bad mood who do you talk to?
jared.

Do you HAVE to have brand name stuff?
no way dude

Last time you washed your hair?
last night

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
i will be sleeping by myself.


What color are your bed sheets?
maroon

How old will you be in 12 months and 24 days?
18 1/2

Do you have a brother?
i have many

Do you know how to change a diaper?
ehhh....

Do you flip people off while driving?
no i dont flip people off anytime.

What color is your car?
bright green!


Who do you love?
Jesus.

Where was the last place you ate out at?
chicka flicka

Do you like to grocery shop?
um. sometimes. its kind of overwhelming.

What kind of mood are you in?
a weird one.


Do you have any bad habits?
so many.

What are you addicted to?
africa


Name one thing about the person you like?
he is the most confusing boy i have ever talked to.

When is your birthday?
september 26th


Do you do your own laundry?
yes most of the time

Whats your dream job?
clinical psychologist

Has someone close to you passed away this year?
nope


Baths or showers?
my bath doesnt work. so i choose showers.

Do you take out the trash?
sometimes. when im told to.

Are you getting engaged any time soon?
ha. who knows? probably not.

What's the worst part about being single?
i love being single.

Do you watch "The Hills"?
no way

Last cd you listened to?
opposite way

What did you do wednesday night?
went to church and cried a lot.

What are you thinking about right now?
tonight. hanging out with a certain someone and the best cousins in the world.


Wearing any bracelets?
always

Last thing someone bought for you?
pizza

What are you going to do now?
finish this long survey

How many people have you kissed in 2008 that actually meant something to you?
zero

what's the last thing you put in your mouth?
water

have you ever kissed anyone named Jesse?
nope.

last people you rode in a car with under the age of 21?
jared

name someone that made you laugh today?
the japanese host on i survived a japanese game show

when was the last time you saw number 6 on your top friends?
i dont have a number 6

how late did you stay up last night and why?
11. i was stretching and doing yoga


if you could move somewhere else, would you?
africa. right now.


which of your friends lives closest to you?
my cousins

do you prefer to call or text?
call

what did you do today?
clean, stretch, watch i survived a japanese game show


how do you feel about diet dr pepper?
hapana asante

When was the last time you cried really hard?
yesterday


where is your biological father right now?
downstairs

where are you at right now?
in my mom and dad's room


what bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

was yesterday better than today?
no way


can you live a day without tv?
of course. i lived two and half weeks without it

what are you listening to?
i dont know. i have pandora on


do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
of course. you have to be careful not to date just to date though. dating is an application for marriage. its important.

when was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
yersterday. and the night before.

where do you wish you were right now?
hanging out with jared.


is anything bothering you right now?
a lot actually. this relationship thing. not being in africa. work. school.

night out or night in?
night in. movie nights are fun


how many times have you been pulled over by the police?
just once. it was scary. but it was david. haha.

do you hate anyone and why?
no way. i cant hate.

do you think your wasting your time on the person you like?
no i know im not, but sometimes it feels like it.


Summer Confessions
so far this summer, have you:

Told someone I love you?
yes i have. in africa. many many times.


Cried?
a lot.

Been to the beach?'
not yet. i think im going on monday.


Stayed up all night?
yes i have.


Went shopping?
yes. by myself. so much fun.

Been out of state?
out of the country!

Went swimming?
a couple times.

Gotten in a car with a stranger?
haha. everyday in africa

Slept in someone else's bed?
nope. wait. yes. africa again.

Had someone else sleep in your bed?
i dont know actually.

Been to a club?
nope

Been grounded?
nope

Been in trouble with the cops?
almost. eek.


Lied?
i dont think so.

Been Camping?
no.

Got in a fight?
nope

Stayed in a hotel?
four actually. such experiences.

Gone to a concert?
um. not yet. i will in a few weeks.

Almost died?
yes.

Met a celebrity?
ha. i met the DC of tanga

How did you and your number 3 become friends?
number three...i wish i was their friend. switchfoot. oh switchfoot.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
11.


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
jared

To send you a myspace message?
kristen


Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
mine


What does your 8th text message say?
i really dont care

What are you excited about?
tonight

Plans for tonight?
going to hang out with my dear sweet darling haha.


How old are you going to be this year?
18

What are you doing tomorrow?
going to church and seeing treasure island

Do you like to cuddle?
yes very much so

What are your plans for the next weekend?
i cant think that far ahead--oh orientation for ucr

Whats your hair look like today?
its super cute right now actually

What are you doing right now?
this survey


What is the background on your phone?
tyler's blistered hands


Whats the last thing you had to drink?
water

What was the last thing you ate?
pizza

Ever go camping?
yes im a big fan

Are you someone's best friend?
yep

Do you have a dog?
cassie wassie

Do you like birds?
not really

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
jared

Have you spoken to your mother today?
yes quite a few times

What color is your hair?
brown

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
a little bit earlier

Are you happy?
mmmmmmm...im not sur.e

Where were you an hour ago?
um. playing piano

Do you have any tattoo/piercings?
my ears.

Do you drink water?
a lot of it.

Does anyone love you?
yes. ouch my heart

Do you fall for people easily?
incredibly. well. actually. not really. just certain people.

When is the last time you saw number 1 on your top friends?
at jay leno

What are you listening to right now?
i dont know. pandora.

How has the week been?
rough

Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?
my mama. in africa.

Are you too forgiving?
no such thing


Who was the last person to send you a text message?
my sister

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i sure hope so

Do you have a car?
i do. franklin

Did the one person who hurt you the most recently apologize?
yes.


Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
no. well. yes. well no.

What are you wearing?
brown shorts. long white shirt thats pretty much adorable.


Do you remember your dreams?
most of them


Do you havre any text messages saved on your phone?
yes. one. from jared. "youre so gorgeous...wow" i thought it was cute.