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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| the addictionbowling.
like i mentioned in my last posting, something in my personality drives me to be good at everything. and just as music does not escape this, neither does bowling.
random? perhaps.
but for a good portion of my college career, i bowled fairly regularly. pretty regularly. regularly = weekly. and more in the summertimes ($1 games -- can you blame me?).
sophomore year was the beginning of it all. at first, it was just three of us -- bryan, tony, and me. and as the weeks went by, more and more joined... and in the summer of 2004, it had become a full-blown league.
i loved it. with consistency my greatest asset, i bowled straight as a laser, sniping any unforunate pins and picking up spares with ease. and as much as i liked to say i competed against myself, some of my greatest joy came from the fact that i bowled in competition with a lot of the guys. regularly posting scores in the 150s and 160s, and an all-time high of 202, my competitive spirit never failed to flare, particularly in the case of a bad game. i'm sure there are still people who remember some of my reactions... and my animal-like wailings. hahaha...ha.
i've had to mellow through the years. for a period of time, bowling poorly against my own expectations would frustrate me unspeakably, and hurl my mood into the mud.
even now, it takes conscious effort to not take bowling too competitively or too seriously. it doesn't work out too well when bowling for a company event, as we did tonight. it's too easy for me to expect too much of myself, or even to have the desire to impress.
all this about bowling. silly? perhaps.
mellow...mellow....mellow? there's something strange in this personality of mine that dislikes mediocrity. perhaps it's a flaw, but i can't honestly say i feel the need to change it.
if i'm going to do something, i will do it all out. and those people in which i see similar traits, i often respect and admire. there's something about that... spark, that drive, that is undeniably appealing. | | |
| and i try and i try and i try and i try and i try and i try......... | | |
| di-but (aka debut)so today was my "debut" with the GrX SF worship team.
worship is an interesting thing. music is an interesting thing.
as some of you may know, for a big portion of my life, pride has been an issue for me. i like being good at whatever/everything that i do. i like to wow people. i like to break expectations.
and the area of music is no exception.
for my first two years of college, i was a part of this amazing a cappella group on campus called "Gimble". i loved singing with them. i loved performing with them. i loved feeling the waves of sound swell and crest, more alive than we who were creating it.
but going into that second semester of sophomore year, i was hit smack dab in the face with the realization that i had a ridiculous amount of pride in it. and it's hard to get away from that in performing -- in essence, you stand in front of people and say, look at me and be amazed at how good i am.
and so, i made the hard decision to leave the group. of course, there were other considerations as well, and i also left to be able to have time to serve on a ministry team at my college church.
but....... even in choosing a ministry team to serve with, i knew i couldn't do worship. i knew my heart couldn't handle it correctly. and i prayed, God, i don't know when my heart with be ready or when it'll be okay for me to come to music again.. but i know it's not now --- and so i stepped away from music for almost 3 full years.
when i was living in Japan, my church there asked me to join and help the worship team. for the first time since junior year of high school, i found myself serving with a worship team again. and standing on that stage, singing praises to God... i was apprehensive to say the least. but to my amazement, my heart was filled with joy. so many times during my brief period of serving at New Hope Yokohama, i would catch myself saying to myself, "this, this is what i'm made for!"
and as i begin to serve again here... i know that God has given me this voice and this love of music for a reason. i don't think i am the most talented of musicians, but i also won't play the fake-modesty card -- i know God has given me a gift. i just pray... Lord, help my heart be right. singing praises to You out of desire for recognition or pride is empty.
Keep my heart right. | | |
| A Lazy Sunday AfternoonThe first in weeks with nothing on the schedule. This upcoming week as well -- it's been a while since I've had any space in my schedule.
Using "schedule" twice in two sentences. Mrs. Couzens would turn in her grave. If she were dead. Strange thought.
What to do on such a Sunday afternoon? The kitchen hasn't been cleaned in a while, but I majorly cleaned the rest of the apartment just last Saturday. The beautiful weather and blue skies ask if I would like to go on a run -- come, be healthy!, they say. But in my oversized sweatshirt and on my comfortable couch, I find it hard to push myself to change. Four hours until church. I should do something. Laundry?
Laundry.
So here I sit in the laundromat. The change machine is out of order again, and before me lies an Americano with a double shot and a bag of white cheddar cheese flavored popcorn -- representations of my search for quarters along Cortland Avenue. "If it weren't Sunday -------." Will my attempt at laundry be foiled? The $3 I have managed to exchange won't even buy me a single wash cycle.
Oh vending machine, you are my only remaining hope.
One dollar. Four quarters fall.
One more. Four more.
Should I risk another dollar? Flashbacks of this very machine swallowing my five dollar bill come crowding into my mind.
One dollar. Four quarters come tumbling down.
My voyage for productivity on a Sunday afternoon has been granted permission to continue. | | |
| i like watching my heart beat. | | |
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