I don't know what to do with myself when he's around, I don't know what to do with myself when he is around, so what do I do?

Quite the pathetic paradox~

God...just looking back at the last entry of mine makes me cringe, I really hate when I get that angry and write stuff so unattractive...it's just...ew, like was that really me? Is that who I really am? A cursing, angry, idiot? And the person I was cursing at I love, psh...I'm really good at showing it huh?

I hate when I get angry at ppl I shouldn't be angry at, it just makes me not really like the person I am. So many things lately just make me take a step back, look at myself, and say..ew...what a fucking loser bitch...but, I'm fucked up and I'm not really surprised lol. I mean growing up with some of the things I grew up with, lol I guess it really fucked me up.

So first off I'd like to thank everyone for their comments, I love all of you, and second, I want to apologize to those who I feel deserve one, atleast from me. Jon, Jess...any other ppls I've been an ass to. I really should just talk to you Jon, but I guess I'm kinda afraid to, eh...lol I'm a chicken and I know it...blah...anyways, I guess I'll post some pics randomly..

Yup thats enough of my ugly ass..

~Rae

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr *warning...extreme cursing is about to commense....you have been warned...*

FUCKING COCK SUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHER *BLEEP* JACK ASSED PIECE OF *BLEEP* THAT I CAN'T FUCKING STAND TO THINK ABOUT! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, FUCK YOU, FORGET YOU....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMN SON OF A BIZNATCH!.....*takes a moment to breath* YOU CUM SUCKING RECTAL FACED DICK HEAD!!!! >.<  *slowly inhales and exhales before running away crying her eyes out*

~Rae

~~~ Editz~~~~~

Sorry for all the cursing...sometimes I get really angry...but soon afterwards I get really sad. Well right now I feel like a piece of shit...I dunno what to do, I'm probably over-reacting. But then again...I'm going through some shit, I just want to get trashed or something, maybe this is why people start drinking, so they get so drunk off their asses that they can't think straight. Well...sounds like heaven to me right now. Not like many really give a shit right? Except Nessa and Chrissy, but yeah...I can't even go see Nessa, and well Chrissy is pretty far at the moment too...>.< someone shoot me.........I just want to wake up somewhere in the city, in the gutter, trashed beyond believe with a major headache, cause right now this pain in my chest hurts too much. Fuck family, fuck real familys, they actually are supposed to stick together. I don't know the fucking meaning of real family anymore. So fuck it, I'll just stop caring like everyone else...

Well, today I had another fight with the man who helped to create me, also know as my biological "father". You see he lives in West Virginia while I live in NY, and he came down to cme to my graduation. Seeing him there....well it felt weird, like I was hugging a stranger, I felt uncomfortable...so anyway, he expected to spend some time with me, since he will be here till Saturday. Well...I just don't really want to spend anytime with him, and when I told him this today he got pissed. So once again we fought, me telling him how he has never supported me when I needed it, him making all his same lame ass excuses, then bringing up my mother to try and make her look like the bad one when she was the one who raised me this whole time...

In the end he said that this was it, that he guessed I didn't need a father ora relationship with him, and well, I simply responded that I have never had a father, so I wont be missing anything...then he hung up on me. Blah...blah...

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I'm not being greatful that I have a father, or that I know who he is...cause two of my best friends, their fathers are dead, and well mine isn't. But at the same time he kinda is....only because he has never been there for me, so many times have I been disappointed because he could even send SOME money every month...not even 5 dollars here and there, he didn't even make an effort to try. I'm just tired of it, so fed up...I don't need him, never really have...so I haven't lost anything today...

~Rae

Do you see a resemblence between me and the cat on Prozac? XD LOL Cause I certainly do!!!! haha well this is a pic from the anime convention me, Chrissy, Phil, and Larry. We had lots of fun as you can tell...me and Chrissy especially, but rarely do we two get together and not have fun...some more pics here, curtesy of the lovely Chrissy!

Me

Me and the lovely Chrissy!

haha once again, me and Chrissy! XD We are so naughty...

Chrissy, Phil, and Me...Phil's loving the attention! XD

And now for some prom pics...

Phil, Chrissy and Me and my house before prom!

Me and Chrissy getting ready in me room...yeah it's a mess...:P

Me and Phil...inside the limo!

Me and a friend...sexy friend! XD

Me and more friends!! YAY

Oh enough pics for one day, I'm done, hope you've enjoyed them!

Love,

~Rae