|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| i can't live without you.
every single thing was wrong, the hospital, pillow wrapped in plastic before the cover, the careful words, the rasp coughing, the neighbouring bed barely hanging on.
it's beyond me.
it's beyond me to tell how it much it scared me, how i saw the fear on dad and R's faces, how i couldn't even think anymore.
it's beyond me trying to help you, seeing you like that, and with every thump on your back i could have died every bit. i would have given anything to trade places with you to see you like that.
the house is so empty without you.
its too unlike dad to fall asleep at nine and i wonder how sleepless a night he had, how drained he was to see you like this, its destroying him, destroying me, and my sister, she's only a child, she can't, i can't, we can't - can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tiloveyouiloveyouwecan't.
i can't be anything you are to us, i can't do anything you do every single day, how important you are to us, how lost we are without your presence.
i should be staying by your side now. i should be there, i don't want you to feel lonely, i want you to wake up with me by your side.
but how insignificant this all is.
and yet you apologized to me, you. apologized. to. me. for. wasting. my. time. in. visiting. you.
i'm sorry i seem so egotistical. i'm sorry for every single time i hurt you. i'm sorry for so many things. i'm sorry i could only say these pathetic sorrys in moments like this, sorry that i never learnt to treasure you. if i could utter words i would have told you how amazingly beautiful i think of you, how thankful i am for every little thing you did for me, how i wish i could be a person like you, how i do not deserve every time you tell me you're proud of my achivements, how i simply cannot, cannot, would not be able to live without you.
there's so much, so much in life i want you to be a part of, i can't do this on my own, there's so much i have to learn from you.
and you held my hand and your hands were warm and you still smelt of you and i wanted to cry wanted to tell you how much you mean to me how little i am without you.
but they cant find anything wrong.
please be alright you have to be alright.
i love you so much. i love you.
| | |
|
september first.
it will be so much better this year.
i know it will be. it has to be.
say optimism isnt me - who am i to judge myself?
i actually, truly, believe this time, for a change.
you're not out of my life like this. i won't let you.
it's going to be so different, looking among crowds for a glimpse of you, trying harder because you believe in me, you.
i'm not good enough for you. no one is.
| | |
|
i panicked.
i panic.
there's so much of me you haven't seen so stop.
stop trying. stop trying to get into my life, of what i have left, stop, stop trying to know me, stop trying to explore me, stop thinking you know me stop stop stop stop stopstopstopstopstsoptstopstopstopstopstopstop.
you don't care so don't.
i don't care if you care so don't.
just don't. don't do this to me. don't.
i have been unable to stay up for days.
i have been unable to write about contentment, happiness, satisfaction, general normalness.
i don't need to try now.
this summer feels unlike summer, rain and wind staining sunlight, days, weeks, august is ending, i feel different, i am different. it feels good like this, like the feeling of alone.
alone feels good.
i counted lights on block 1, apartments opposite my bedroom of people not yet asleep, for a moment i wonder if they can see my torch light, yellow in three faint circles from a window so far above the ground, so far, so far.
B - you wouldn't believe how much i miss you in times like these. i miss us.
| | |
|
it's being drunk and sober at the same time.
sculpting excuses, falling backwards, running.
running away. running to. people, histories, stories, places that could not, cannot.
if running circles around myself was the answer, i wouldn't have needed a question.
and it's not just about weight.
if i wanted it enough.
if.
i.
wanted.
it.
enough.
it's enough. is it enough? what's enough. this is enough. enough. enough. you are enough. you have enough. enough. enough. enough. enough. enough. enough.
change.
but thoughts are not coming through my fingertips onto this keyboard from my mind, resolutions are not being sworn, i am not taking out my scissors drawing lines that should not be on my wrists and knees.
it's not okay to live like this.
everything is not going to turn out fine.
problems are not solving themselves.
it's not going to be alright if you pretended.
there are so many things undone, so many syllables unsaid.
if i wanted it enough consequences would stop existing.
if i wanted it enough i would not need excuses.
if i wanted it enough i would be worth it all.
i am so much i am not, and i am not so much i am.
stop running. stop.
listen to yourself.
| | |
| i keep seeing the number 22.
i use a rubber in attempt to clean my new white keyboard.
a stain on spacebar, on the button f, on the mouse.
i look at the picture of sheva beside my bed when dad talks.
and i didnt have to think, dad saying he's bringing me to the doctor tomorrow, i nod, i think about last night, 3:44 am last night and they were still on the phone and i'm not part of them and i wonder whether they talked about me at all.
i dont know how to write.
i simply cannot write anymore.
i have a million words but they come out wrong, they don't come out at all.
i feel peculiar. | | |
|
