simply_erin08's Xanga

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 04:43:25 GMT

Here is the deal.

It has come to my attention that someone with whom I do not converse or wish to read this site has, in fact, been reading it. And through this, other unfortunate things have happened to a person I care for very much. So, my decision is to not write here anymore.

My thoughts (disclaimer: directed in no way at any one person or group of people. It by no means applies to a majority of people who will read this. It may not apply to anyone. Please take it at face value, and for what it is: my journal.):

Stop. Stop judging, stop tattling. Stop making assumptions without consulting the source. I am so very disappointed. I realize my site is public, and as such I only post things that are suitable for most (if not all) to read. And if you wish to judge me on this censored version of self, then I feel sorry for you. But not everyone intends for others to read their words, and as such, reading them is a violation of privacy, and to judge based upon the limited facts presented is ... horrible. To tell someone to censor their initial feelings that they did not intend for anyone else to see is, in my mind, unrealistic. I feel sorry for those who feel the need to make everyone color inside the lines of their narrow world, their narrow view of what Christianity is. And I could honestly give a damn what you think of me. Yes, that's right. I just swore. Does that impugn my character? Because I am angry and I said damn? Maybe in your eyes. Maybe my life is not so black and white. Think I've "walked away" or "strayed from the path." Go ahead.

Tolerance. Love. Treating people as you would like to be treated. Getting the truth and not jumping to conclusions. Being able to accept and love those around you without making them feel like they are dirt. These are things Jesus did for those who loved him, those to whom he ministered.

I've closed the door on the part of my life that is incredibly conservative. I no longer understand that mindset, and some of the actions people have taken against me in the past based upon that mindset. I can't believe God wants us to treat each other that way.

So, unless I ask you into my life, I would appreciate you not spying on me. I would appreciate you not judging me based upon your shallow view of who I am from this site, or from rumors you hear that may or may not be true. But if you judge, have the courage to say it to me. Don't be a coward.

God is love. Do you ever stop to think the fact that the Church is struggling in many ways is not because my generation is Godless and hates Christianity, and more that the Church has not loved people effectively? Has not ministered to the hearts of men and women effectively? Has made Christianity about rules and regulations and codes and committees and ... as an afterthought ... the relationship. They would say otherwise, but look closer. Read Captivating if for nothing else than to hear that the Christian woman in America is TIRED. She is comitteed and soccer-momed and everything-ed out. There is a mold that the church as a whole asks their women to fit. And news flash: most of us aren't built that way. We want more. And our generation is sick of empty churches, fake religion. At least I am.

So ... that is my rant. My final soapbox. Love others. Be a light, a positive influence. Be the change you wish to see in the world, as Ghandi said. Sometimes I feel like some Christians will never get it. They don't see the damage they do, all nestled snug and safe in their churches (not that I'm against churches - I think they are good). Look around. See the need of those around you. That need is not to have you shove religion and God and Jesus down their throats. That need is love, unconditional love from God, through YOU. Not your judgement or your harsh words, or your misconception.

Jesus ate with prostitutes. What would happen if a prostitute walked into a church here, either in Greenwood or Greencastle, or any other mid-sized conservative town? She would be effectively shunned, and told to clean up her act. What about my gay friends? What if I wanted to bring them with me to church in Greenwood? Would they be welcome if they were earnestly seeking God? I wanted to think so, but my experience led otherwise. And my experiences and the experiences of others could go on forever, both with how we have been treated by churches and old youth groups, and how they have mistreated our friends, our guests.

I'm done. This thing is more trouble than it's worth. And I realize I probably just made a few more enemies with this entry, but it is my last, and there were things I needed to say.

Until we meet again, may you all continue to grow, change, love, and prosper.

THE END

Monday, January 23, 2006

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:31:39 GMT

Indiana is cold, flat, and sans ocean. This more upsetting than usual, since I spent 15 days in a place that was warm, mountainous, and had two coasts. Oh, and its name translates to "rich coasts". Think it was beautiful and amazing? Well, you would be right.

I'm not even going to try to make you, dear reader, understand why this place stole my heart, why it is so amazing, why I feel like I should never have left, and why I have to go back there. The truth is, I don't know what the specific reasons are myself. But I know it stole my heart from the first glimpse I got out the plane window, and the more I experienced, the more I loved it, cold showers and all. I have realized all the more the perspective I was lacking, the things I was lacking in myself that I was looking for in outside endeavors. I come back more experienced, more confident, a more whole person than I left. And some changes must be made in my life. My priorities are different now, and I have discovered through some time without people from home, email, or cell phone access that ... there are things and people I didn't miss, or miss the way I was supposed to for the priority they have in my life. So, things must change.

I encourage you all to travel. Go somewhere where the culture fascinates you, take risks and truly experience it. I promise you will come back different.

If you'd like to know more about the details of the trip, I am more than willing to share with you. Get in contact with me (IM, call, email). This thing may be retired after this entry is done.

If that is the case, I would hope I don't lose contact with any of you, but if it so happens, I wish you happiness, growth, fulfillment, and contentment in your life ahead. I hope you have challenges to meet, someone to support you, love you, and someone to share the journey with.

As for me ... all in good time.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 03:21:05 GMT

5 hours .....

Bye bye, USA.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 19:54:35 GMT

It's just hit me.

On Saturday, I will be in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. On Sunday, I will be in the mountains of Costa Rica, in the world-famous botanical gardens of Los Cruces.

I really, really can't wait. Only, I know I'm not going to want to come back. It's going to be one of those "I'm leaving part of myself in this place" things.

So weird to think about.

So....packing up. Strange, strange, strange.

So excited.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 02:02:47 GMT

The world is good again: back at DePauw.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:07:01 GMT

After two weeks at home ...

I wish I were dead.

As it turns out, my ENTIRE immediate family thinks I am an embarassment and a disappointment. And it seems they're betting I won't amount to anything ... which is about the happiest thing I could have been told this holiday season. I always thought Dad would stick up for me ... or at least not jump on the bandwagon. But no. Nope. Forget that. Who wants to defend the worthless child?

She lectures me on "choosing to be happy"? She doesn't know how to be happy; she's insisted on being miserable and making everyone else miserable. She doesn't even know me. She doesn't see me at school, only at home when she's insisting on .... I just want to go home. Back to the house. This house causes unhealthy thoughts ... and ... I'm sick of fighting it.

"This is all part of being a family, Erin." Right. Family. Family = telling your only daughter she's completely worthless and has been a thorn in your side since the day she was born. Fabulous. I don't want any part of that kind of family.

Sometimes, when I'm here and there's no real way to escape it or handle it ... I wonder if it would have been better to never have been born than to have one of the people you love most in the world tell you you're worthless and a burden.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 05:58:37 GMT

And ... I should be back in Greencastle.

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh

Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed my time at "home" in Greenwood. But ... I miss the house. I want to take a few select people and transport them to my life in Greencastle ... leaving the rest behind for memories and such.

I miss that town
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it

I am most definitely past caring that things are awkward when I make attempts to go to group things. I went, it was what it was, and I didn't let it get to me. At least while there. I always leave kicking myself, wondering why I go back. This time it was simple - I was prodded into it.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I've got the photo album spread out on the bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye

I still love several people very dearly, and it was a joy to see them. I just ... am past this in my life. I'm in a very different place, and I no longer keep in touch with many of the poeple I used to see around a lot. So ... the gap that was always there grows ever wider, and I just don't have the strength or desire to bridge it anymore. Why force things? Why be fake about it?

I'm OK with the fact that I'm probably seen as a heretic and/or horrible person by some people I used to know. Honestly, the opinions of poeple I haven't seen in years and who don't really know me anymore just don't matter. I don't even care if their opinions are based in fact. Let them think what they want.

Every memory of walking out the front door
Found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye

Part of me just wants to cut out the past. It's impossible ... it's laced in with the present and the future.

It's nearly 2am, and I should really be in bed. In fact, I promised that is where I would be when I came inside. And so I go.

Goodnight, goodnight, and goodnight.

Goodbye

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 04:53:43 GMT

Merry Christmas, dear readers. That is if anyone is reading ...

Oh, Christmas. It doesn't feel like Christmas.

I was thinking the past few days how much I take certain things in my life for granted. Certain friends ... for a long time I didn't see a lot of the caring that people were doing. I had blinders on, because I thought I knew what I wanted and where I was supposed to be. And you know what? I was wrong. I don't regret those things, because they brought me to where I am now. And I'm happy in this place.

So, at Christmas, I'm remembering a year ago. It seems like ages ago. So many big changes have taken place. I'm much, much, much happier this Christmas. There's really no comparison. What a difference a year can make. I never imagined being in this place, my life looking anything remotely like it looks now. Technically a lot of the things that have happened were less than happy, but ... I wouldn't change them for the world. Had you told me last Christmas my life would be like this, I would have flipped - it's so different, how could I possibly be happy? But I've learned to deal. And I'm happy.

So, dear friends, at 1am at the start of Christmas day, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope you all find what it is you are looking for, whatever your heart's truest desire is.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 04:58:40 GMT

Current state of the Erin:

I'm still sorting myself out. And I'm doing my best to not get frustrated at myself for asking questions and challenging myself on things. I'm getting better at that. Growing up? Maybe so.

Doesn't God have an amazing sense of humor and irony? I think He does. And I think He's laughing with me (I don't like to think of God laughing AT me ...) as I'm realizing how ironic life can be. And he's shaking his head and saying, "oh, dear child ... if you only knew the half of it. If you would only look at the big picture." But that's the thing - I'm mortal and finite, and I either can't or won't see the whole thing. I've got a lot of flaws. But I'm accepting them. I'm sure there are people out there (in fact, I can name several) who can't really stand me. And that's OK. I'm not obsessed with "fixing" myself anymore. I'm interested in living and learning. Improving myself constantly, but not "fixing" because ... well, "fixing" implies I'm broken and non-functioning. And that's not true. I'm under refinement.

I have a very subdued yet happy smile on my face. And I'm not sure the last time I've had such a sustained feeling of ... I can't even explain it. It's not even really a feeling. I'm rambling, and making no sense to 99.9% of anyone who would read this.

Sleep time.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:25:39 GMT

Hm. It's been a few days. I will say that my life in Greenwood is not all that interesting, so updating is not horribly necessary when I am in town.

What to tell you? What to tell you?

I had dinner and coffe with an old friend last night. It had been quite a while, but felt like we'd only seen each other the last weekend. Only somehow he grew up all of a sudden - didn't recognize him at first. Strange how that happens, isn't it? Oh, and I can finally *kind of* drive a manual transmission. Be proud. I didn't kill anyone.

The wonderful thing about being an college student in my house is ... I no longer have a curfew. I have a cell phone, and I tell my parents when I'm leaving ... and I come home when I want. I was a bit nervous about the lateness of my return last night - but they'd gone to bed (probably long before) and there hadn't been a call to tell me to come home, or asking where on Earth I was. And no evil note. Ah, maybe they've realized I can come and go as I please at school, and if I were going to get into trouble, that's where it would happen? Probably.

So a lot has changed in my life recently. And continues to do so. But I am blessed with some very amazing people.

**Edited to Add**
Is it January yet? I swear it should be January. I'm getting horribly sick of drama.