| | Anybody home?Is Xanga even alive anymore? *shrug* I've been on here lately to weed through my entries and to delete the pointless, emo, pathetic, stupid, lame, self-pitying, self-loathing, self anything ones. It's a long journey, haha. Oh, that and to copy down all of the dreams I've put on here... I want to actually put them in my dream journal that I've neglected. Some of my dreams are too priceless to forget. How's my life now? Eh, without sounding emo, it's all right. Could be better, could be worse. I have my good days and I have my bad. UCC sucks and I'm pretty much a hermit when I'm not there, so that sucks too. I haven't made any friends there... I've only found one aquantance (we probably would be friends if we both weren't so shy). UCC isn't like college should be at all... you only go there if you want to get out quickly... in simple terms, you don't go there to make friends. You go there to study your ass off so you can go somewhere better. Hence, this leads me to my lack of new friends and a boyfriend problem. Another problem is that I can't get a job either... I have applied to places too. I have the time during the day to work, so a job would be great. As for the good stuff? There really isn't much. I'm surprised I'm not emo right now typing all this. I was never an optimistic person, but I think I'm starting to be (slowly though). I've been so sad over small things, that over time, I can't keep that up. At least everyone else around me seems happy. It's not that I'm not right now... I'm just really indifferent at the moment at least. It hurts to much to be depressed and it's senseless to be happy when I'd be lying to myself. So, indifferent is nice. My sister and I got into a huge heated arguement almost a month ago... she pleaded with me to tell her wait I was thinking, and I realized I couldn't. I never tell people the things that are on my mind... so doing it now is just really odd. The reason I bring this up is that there's something that's been nagging me ever since then... I know I should say it to people, but I just can't. It's like the angel and devil on either of my shoulders constantly arguing and it's so annoying, yet I keep giving into the devil urging me to just put it off. *shrug* It's nothing big, really... but annoying all the same. Wow, I've never had a rant on here that wasn't emo or angry before... perhaps I'm improving? XD It really does bother me though that I'm single. I've wanted nothing more than a relationship for a long time now... so much that a little part of me is afraid that I'll do something stupid because I want one that badly (and no, I would never, ever in a million years, not even if you offered me money, I would never go back to Douchebag. If for some godforsaken reason that ever happened [and I assure you that it will not], you have every right to bruise, bleed, puncture, torture, stab, slice, rip, shread, gouge, bite, drown, and choke me.) Some days I just feel like screaming. It's not just my teenage hormones raging (though, that is part of the reason... I'd be lying if I said otherwise, haha XD)... but when it boils down to it, I just want to sit down and cuddle with someone, y'know? Is that really so much to ask for? Someone decent enough for me to cuddle with and feel loved with? *shrug* Ah well... I was thinking about researching the marriage laws in New Jersey soon anyway... I want to see if it's legal to marry cardboard. My emo kid loves me, that I know for a fact. XD |
