xanga is very much dead.

and i have started to part from it.

it's sad, but sometimes demise begins and what can you do?

stay with it and be alone, or try something new for a change.

so i won't be gone forever, but i'm not making any promises.

farewell my loves, to those that even read this anyways.

-moi

i cleaned out my closet this weekend.

literally.

i let go of memories. but held on to a few.

i added some new pieces too; memories.

i feel refreshed.

sometimes i like to think of "my closet" as my metaphor on life.

cheesy... yes, yes i know.

during my cleansing i listened to my iPod.

it was set to shuffle and a specific song filled my ears.

Go and Sin No More. Rebecca St. James.

i remember that trip. 15 hours to Tennesse. i listened to this song over and over.

it was my favorite.

but i left it there. it's been 5 years.

5 long years.

too bad it wasn't just one year before. maybe things would be different. 

but maybe not.

i guess it's time for me to stop dwelling on the past.

He said, "I will not condemn you. I'll forgive and I'll forget it all."

"I've sinned. Come on my knees. How could You die for me? Searched my thoughts. Know my heart. See my inside our and all throughout me. You alone can forgive me. You always pick me up like a child in Your arms, I could stay with You forver here."

"Don't spread yourself thin.

you can be mediocre at a bunch of things,

or you can be great at a few things. "

the choice is yours.

the choice is mine.

i'm giving up soon.

giving up on a lot of things.

maybe its considered quitting.

or maybe i'm considered weak.

but i think thats okay.

i can stand being a quitter or weak.

what i can't stand, though, is constantly being scared.

so yes. this might just be a bit more of a morbid post from me.

i know it's very "un-me," but i've been feeling that way recently.

but keep reading,

 it could easily change

 for the better.

i found a postcard sized piece of folded paper today underneath my driver's seat in my car.

i read the first words and instantly remembered writing the small bit of "stream of conciousness" during a lesson Toby gave some Wednesday night.

and i remembered how much that lesson made me wonder. think. realize.

so here you have it, it read:

"i don't think of myself as invincible. Bullet-proof. Or even unbreakable.

Yet it seems strange to think of myself as non-exsisting. Dead. Gone from the dirt that my feet tread each day. And my human-minded brain just can't grasp death. Life after death. Even the idea of eternal life.

Which hinders me. Which makes me ask the infamous question of 'why' even more. Which scares me.

Like a freaking chain reaction my mind goes off like a planned bomb in stages until each color-coated level sinks me into more disbelief.

And yet I know I am never going to be immortal. I am going to die. And i almost did. Mentally. Physically. And emotionally. "

[Don't stop reading if you really care about me. Keep it up... i'll explain it all. Well, most of it anyways.]

Now, to those that are a little freaked out, and might even be thinking i'm on the brink of being suicidal let me set the scene and environment of where i was at this point of my timeline of life.

it was august.

journalism camp had happened. KCDA had happened. SMCII had happened. teen camp had happened. American History online all summer had happened.

many, many things had happened that all seriously shaped me during what i like to the think of as my "summer of learning, discovering, and realizing who i am."

and although i still am in the process of doing this (i mean because be real, "you" as a person are constantly changing, but it's nice to at least know the foundation that mobilizes " you"... if that makes any sense) that was an essential part of my summer.

i really (cliche i know, but) came into my skin.

and again, although it took me hitting compelete rock bottom, including doubting my faith, i now am more faithful and strong in my God than i have ever been. 

i know i have His grace.

i'll never be perfect,

and thats okay.

Although I still can't grasp the concept of death, it's okay.

because i'm leaving that with Christ. He can handle that.

I don't need to worry.

and to those of you that were worrying over me, you don't need to worry either.

that's all for now.

"Understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a sea, you're
Falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up
Alone and don't know why
Hold on tight wait for
Tomorrow, you'll be alright." -the fray.