siouladium's Xanga

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thu, 15 May 2008 23:43:02 GMT

There is not much I can do at this point. I know that stressing over this is not really going to be beneficial in anyways because I've done everything I can, it is simply out of my control. I hope that I hear something soon. I worked really hard, I think I'm the best candidate, but in the end only time will tell.

I need to take the edge off. Fingers crossed...

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:37:50 GMT

View from the top.

When you read about celebrities in magazines, internet websites, hear about it on tv or radio, very few people are able to make a personal connection as to what exactly they go through. Because we are not comfortable with what we do not know, we automatically assume the role of the judger. We judge them for everything. She's a slut, he's an idiot, what was she thinking, why would she go out like that, How can she be ready to date again?

I have to admit. I am guilty of all those accusations.

Today I had the chance to be able to see things from a different light. My god mom passed away a week or so ago. I've always known that she was a big star in Hong Kong but it never registered with me the magnitude of her stardom. I went to her funeral today. It was pretty crazy. The front entrance to the funeral home was bombarded with about 30 paparazzi. In order to get in to the premise, you needed to have the verification card. We had to go through 3 sets of stops before we reached the building and with 30 police officers standing and guarding every corner of the area. Fans were lined up and swarmed outside with flowers in the rain.

inside I saw about a dozen hong kong celebrities and personalities. Also in attendance was a representative from the Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper, A rep from the federal gov, provincial gov and the mayor of Vancouver. The entire event was being filmed to be broadcasted at a stadium back in hong kong, where fans had a chance to morn together. I was a bit caught off guard. I never really knew about any of this. To me she was my Fei aunty. The one that picked me up and took me out to eat. The one who'd buy me clothes when we went shopping together.

I cried during the funeral. I felt really bad for Joyce. Having lost my father already, I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to lose her. She is estranged from her father already, she is 20 and all alone in this world. When I exited the building and dropped her off to her car, I was swarmed with about 30 paparazzi. It was insane. And thats when it hit me.

I hadn't seen Joyce in about 5-8 years. I am not someone in her life, but if these pictures were to be published, then the public could think what ever they want. Just because she was seen and pictured with me, someone who is not a part of her life by any means, that story is now in the hands of the public. i could be the new boyfriend, or the one who she is having an alleged affair with...or a hook up from the funeral. Whatever. The point is, I now understand how untrue some of these stories about other celebrities could be.

Just because jennifer anniston is pictured with a guy does not mean she is dating him. He too could be a highschool friend that she hasn't seen for 10 years, who just so happend to be in a picture with her.

RIP auntie Mo.

Looking back, I realize what a grand and vivacious lady you were. I realized what a kind and generous human you were. Few will be able to live up to the legacy that you leave behind.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 04:12:50 GMT

it's 1:04am on a monday night and I can't get myself to sleep. Work beckons at 7am. Maybe writing can put me to bed.

I just spent the last hour in my room going through my closet and trying on different outfits. How fuckin homo have i gotten? My mom is adorable. She told me to take pictures of myself so i don't forget which outfits look the best...I guess it makes sense. I mean anyone who's been in my closet knows what I have to deal with, there is alot of green in that jungle.

I hooked up on sunday. It's been a long time. Sex eventually loses all forms of intimacy and beauty as we get older. There used to be something so pure and white about it. The thought of connecting with another human being. The thought of letting our bodies act on lust and impulse in an effort to try and communicate this sort of feeling locked inside of us. In my mind, sex was always idealized as a language. But ofcourse, like any other language if you don't practice it eventually it starts to sound broken up and nothing seems to make sense.

he was about 6-2, 180 pounds, amazing body, huge coooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaboodle. And for some reason, it just wasn't good. i thought at first that maybe i was rusty? kisses were ok, everything was ok, not bad, but ok. I thought I could be content with ok. But ok didnt seem good enough. I ended up falling asleep only to be woken up by him again. So i tried really hard to finish *and believe me i have not tried that hard since my IB exams* and i did.

He was a pleasant and nice guy. Somehow my clothes had ended up in opposing corners of the room. I dressed and I gave him a kiss and walked out the door.

It just wasn't there. What if i've lost it? Has anyone seen my mojo?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 03:37:30 GMT

Where has the time gone?

My birthday was a few weeks ago. Alot happend the past year. it was my 23rd year. And in all honesty i have to say that i think it was probablly the most difficult year that I've ever experienced. My life always seemed to flow so seamlessly in the past. There were minor hicups, but never any major obstacles along the way. I think it was a good thing that I had a rough year. How do you know how strong you are, how strong you can become and what you are capable of doing if you are never tested or pushed to your limits.

The number 23 is apparently a unique and very mysterious number. My boss told me that there are cults and organizations around the world who trace anything and everything back to the number 23. Somehow you can trace it to the devil, to Kennedies assasination, September 11, i mean just everything. But if you really think about it, you could do that with any number if you tried hard enough. I guess my point is, i never believed in that sort of stuff before, but after the year i had, I'm starting to think that maybe there is something to that number. Something eerie, something just a little off about it. What a dark year.

I start this year in a good place. I've learned after doing the Meyers Briggs test that I am an ENFP. Extraverted Intuition Feeling Perceiver. I am the "Inspirer". Whats amazing about this is that in the past, i can now see that I sometimes tried to make myself something that i simply wasnt comfortable being. We had about 2 days of debriefing for this test at work, and i learned so much about myself. How not everyone views the world the same way that i do. What might seem completely logical to me might be absurd and ridiculous to someone else. I learned also what my strengths were and at the same time reflected on what i need to improve on. So i think that instead of focusing on trying to make up for what i lack, i'm going to focus on my strengths and hope to balance out my other attributes eventually in the future, with age and wisdom.

I thought of my dad today as i drove home. There is a big crane in Richmond, it's deckled with christmas lights. When i drive I kind of get lost in thoughts, driving is involuntary for me, I don't even remember how i get to places sometimes or which route i take. I remember looking at the crane, looking at the shadow it cast on the half finished building it guarded. It reminded me of my dad, and not just in a sentimental i miss him sort of way. I swear i felt his presence, almost as if he was trying to tell me that he would forever look down on me and guard me in the future.

Where is all this sentimental mush coming from?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 03:52:55 GMT

Change.

Life never ceases to amaze me. Things go from good, to bad, to good, to worse, to great so quickly. I've been so caught up with my career life lately. Nothing else really seems to matter. Well, I take that back. I think that I am now the closest to my true self that I have ever been in my life. Everything has become that much more clear. The things that matter are illuminating infront of me. And the things and and more so the guys that don't matter and probablly would have taken up a big chunk of my time and mental efforts in the past just fizzle away now. I really can't be bothered to let these people come into my life and poison it anymore. Friends, Familly, Work, Respecting myself are things that remain close to my heart at this point.

I feel happy. Nothing goes how you wish it would go. nothing follows your plan exactly. But things always have a way of working themselves out I've learned. Hold your head up high, keep believing in yourself, and good things will happen. Do I sound like an after school special or what?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 02:53:57 GMT

i've been twistin and turnin, In a space thats to small, I've been drove in the line, and watching it fall.
you been closing me in, closing the space in my heart. Whatchin us fading and watchin it all fall apart. Well i can't explain, why it's not enough, cuz i gave it all to you. And if you leave me now, or just leave me now, it's the better thing to do. It's time to surrender, been to long pretending, no use in trying when the pieces dont fit anymore.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 03:10:42 GMT

i'm done with being the nice guy.

i try my best to be respectful of ur feelings, of giving u enough space so i dont lead u on, of being sensitive to what you say, and you go and say that load of bullshit to my face?

i know your mad and angry but it doesnt give you the right to say fucking bullshit angry ass things to me. if your going to be a fucking baby, then go rot in your crib.

this is what i get for being the nice guy.

for trying to do what's responsible.

your not even worth my time.

career mode activated. career mode activated, no more men please. just stay away from me, all of you, stay the FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 19:23:36 GMT

wow, all of a sudden transitioned to career mode.

men are so out of the picture right now. I don't know what brought this on but i feel empowered.

Who needs a wife when you can have a life?

haha

Monday, May 28, 2007

Mon, 28 May 2007 22:58:18 GMT

i hope you know that none of this was done to hurt you.

it's hard for me too. being able to develope this kind of comfort and having to give it away because you speculate it wont eventually works out seems like a stupid choice, but i think i have to go with my gut on this one.

i promise this has been done now to spare more pain in the future.

i am bad at this, i need to grow a back bone don't I?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Sat, 26 May 2007 16:57:03 GMT

breakups are never easy huh? which is easier, getting dumped, or doing the dumping? They both feel equally as unpleasant sometimes but i guess in retrospect i'd rather be the one doing the dumping...

im not sure what happened today, but i think that it was for the best. it just wasnt fair, when one person feels more strongly then the other person. I don't want to break up with him but staying with him would be selfish and would not be for the right reasons right now. so why do i feel so shitty? why am i still feeling just as uneasy? Why do i feel pain.

i could sense the hurt seeping through his eyes, i just wanted to give him a big hug but the closeness that was once there all of a sudden appeared so distant.

everything just gets harder as you grow up. even the things that you would have thought were the most simple at one point.

I'm sorry.