sisi_668's Xanga

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:21:57 GMT

This is from the book 天使在人间

《天使在人间》Gil部分全文

文字为手打，鉴于本人情绪激动神志不清难免有错漏，请包涵。
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钟欣桐 残酷勿语

   访问阿娇（钟欣桐）是一件很残酷的事，淫照事件发生，外间对其负面评价不断。要一个什么都让人看过的女生面对心理重压之际，还要向陌生人剖白自我，应该有如上口上撒盐，再大力揉擦一番。

      然而她还是细诉这段期间的感受。

      这个忧患并未过去，阿娇说起此事犹感吃力，但被负面新闻折磨得只剩下半条人命的她，仍然坚强面对逆境，并坦然细说一段错爱，以及此刻如何自处。这个访问刊登后，会不会有人断章取义？又会不会有人对女主角多番指控？不知道。但阿娇那份不知何处生出来面对问题的勇气，已足够你我恻然敬佩，叫听者对人生的阳光与阴暗面，有深刻反省。

事发后

   眼前不施姿粉的阿娇虽然有点苍白，但美丽如昔，不过眉宇间的愁容及言谈时以苦笑遮掩想哭的情绪，却叫听者的心有点扎痛。回想淫照接二连三被公开，身为公众人物的阿娇一刹那抓狂，即使现在，阴霾仍未退。『照片公开后，我害怕得发疯，好想立即离开这地方，离开所有人，但可以走到哪里？整个脑袋都炸开了，难过得只懂不断打电话给妈妈，重复又重复说要休息，千万别要我站出来面对任何人的批评。那段日子天天哭个不停，除了哭，已经不知道可以做些什么，又不愿踏出家门，整个人像困在密室中，好辛苦。』

   真的关起来倒好，剩下自己断绝和外界接触，落得耳根清净。奈何阿娇事发后不时上网留意报道，逼得自己知道外界发生什么事。这种以毒攻毒的方法，当然无力叫沉重的情绪得以平复，但阿娇这样做不无道理。

   『他们时时叫我不要再看外面的人怎说，因为一定会看到难听的说话。但我一定要知，即使他们有些说话伤人，我亦宁愿在家看后独自不开心，总比走出家门才知外面发生什么事情好。最低限度，自己有个心理准备。』

走出来

   巨浪打来，叫阿娇乱得团团转，偏偏她是公众人物，又偏偏她的良知提醒自己要面对观众，结果浪来了，阿娇第一个站出来，比男主角更快走向人群。

   『要发声明时真的很惊，当时想其实应该等男方先站出来交待，不然由我先站出来承认这事吗？我又应该讲什么？奈何他没有站出来，而我是组合成员，我一定要顾及阿Sa，不可连累她也避开传媒，影响工作，所以纵然自己再怕，最后都要第一个站出来向公众交待。』

   『记者会当日，我和阿Sa、Mani都很慌，我和Mani事前更服下半颗医生开的镇静剂才走出来发表声明。但吃了也没什么用处，面对现场过百记者，我的口和双手照样颤抖，不过话始终要说，自己惟有硬撑下去。那刻我讲了几句已经很想哭，Mani见状惟有立即拉我离开。其实不是想说那么少，但我真的不知道要交待什么好，而且再持续下去，我一定会受不住压力而当场崩溃，所以我勉强支撑到发表完声明，承认自己做过这事，便匆匆离开冷静一下。』

好傻好天真

   肯站出来解释不代表事情能够结束，阿娇决定第一个走出来交待，注定要做第一个箭靶，任人在言论上大做文章。无泪，有人指她无悔意；一句心底话，又被人借此取笑为『天真娇』。说与不说都是罪过。

   『我选择不哭向大众交待，是因为我真的有影过这些相，既然做过，又非自愿得公开了，就得认，为此我亦感到很抱歉。特别是支持我的歌迷，当中有小朋友及家长，我知道这事为他们带来失望，为此我也感到很难堪，不知说什么才可以补救。而我说自己很傻很天真，不是指拍照这举动，而是指错爱过这个人。因当时我情绪不稳定，无法把事情交待得清清楚楚，令大家误会这句很傻很天真的意思。影这些照片是我俩之间很私人的事，我从没有想过要公开给别人看，现在照片流出来了，是一件意外。别人要拿这么私人的氏来讨论，我是既无奈，亦避无可避的。但我没想过恨任何人，即使男方亦然。我既然爱过他，无谓怪责他，他已经为这事付出了代价。』

   『声明过后，有人说我在早前被报刊偷拍更衣照而哭得死去活来，这次反而没有哭，前者是作戏博同情。借此我很想很想大家明白，那次是偷拍，非出自我愿，自然难过得哭出来。』

   『又有人说我欺骗歌迷，又说我的声明纯为推卸责任，我真的呆了。难道我每天都要大肆向歌迷公开我私下做过什么什么，不能存有半点隐私？又难道出来交代，承认自己有做过这事，反而是推卸责任？我真的不懂。』

难过，亦要过

   其实说什么都没用，基本上私密照被盗后公诸于世要当事人出来交代甚或道歉一番，已经毫无道理可言；再将当时人的话扭曲指笑，这行为更叫人想破脑袋都找不出答案来。但难过都要过，阿娇惟有让时间冲淡一切。

   『今日上网，又看到有人在网上指我不应再出台，说这样做只会拖累阿Sa，又有人叫我转拍AV，拍III级才有我份……（沉默十多秒）网上说话不用负责任，所以大家都可以出言甚狠。我亦明白有人支持我，自然有人不喜欢我，甚至会说许多难听的话，我为此再不忿也是徒然。这件事伤得太深，即使时日过去亦不会遗忘此事，惟有尽量别时常想起，让自己好过点（苦笑）。』

   『现在最难面对是记者的提问，好像上次自美国回港，有记者大声问我有没有见过Edison，又有人不断问『系咪香港捞唔掂要过美国？』连续追问我直至登车，拍着车门要我作答。那天我足足坐了24小时飞机才回港，又遗失了行李，整个人已经疲倦不堪，然而记者的问题仍句句冲过来……虽然我明白他们为了工作，一定要问，哪怕我不回应。』

我对不起她

   问题仍未解决，是是非非除了教阿娇整个人陷入人生低潮外，更令Twins前途未卜。这件事上，最叫阿娇感抱歉的，是合作超过6年的老拍档阿Sa。

   『这段时间，公司同事及阿Sa帮我最多，特别是阿Sa，她替我抗下不少重担。我知她很辛苦，无论发生什么事，大家每每找她来回应。她不但要面对自己的压力，还怕答错问题会累及我，又要一个人上台唱歌，种种因素加起来令她担惊受怕，我真的对不起她。每当我向她讲抱歉，她总反过来安慰我，要我千万别说傻话……我只想这件事快点过去。』

不和

   以前记者问Twins有否试过不和，孖妹总笑笑口轻轻带过，其实合作6年，两个陌生人朝夕相对又岂会事事如意，但公司的安排教两人走在一起，由相识、有心结到双子同心，这种缘份，却意外地令阿娇更能面对今天的困境。

   『初出道，我俩身边各自有人说你比她好，她又更胜我一筹，总有人挑拨离间，我们当时也心存芥蒂，不知应不应该相信这个拍档。特别是阿Sa比我更早入行（阿Sa出道前曾拍港台青春剧《Y2K》而为人所识），大家都认识她而不知我是谁，相互比较下，我的压力自然增多。到正式合作，即使有事大家都不想像小朋友般闹交，宁愿事事放在心上，怕说出不快后会得罪对方，大家不开心，这个组合就散定了。于是我们一直哑忍，直到出道三年后，我、阿Sa和一位同事到台湾旅行，才放开自己在途中互诉心声。』

   亦由那时起，二人坦诚出种种想法，阿娇更鼓励当时有心离开娱乐圈的拍档，无论如何要撑下去。『我没有想过退出，都已经努力苦干了一段时间，成果渐见，无谓浪费曾付出过的努力，便叫她努力跨过去。我颇能吃苦，否则不会爱上拍动作片。』当日支持阿Sa，今日身份对调，换来阿Sa全心支持，这份缘，又教阿娇跌倒时多一分力量站起来。《相爱六年》中一句：『这种不舍不弃，大过天与地，我肯交换去做你』，竟被他俩真正成全了。

装备自己

   一直以来，Twins都想各自进修，为忙碌的事业注入新养分，好叫观众耳目一新。想不到这个进修的机会，却在阿娇出事避静时才出现，教人无奈。不过祸与福，从来不为人所测，这个进修机会，阿娇定要好好把握。『我是个拥有过度活跃症的人，一刻都停不下，你叫我不工作呆坐一星期，等如要我白白浪费时间，真的苦不堪言。这段时间惟有不停进修，我现在爱上跳舞及打功夫，很想拍打片。』

   生活有了目标，人自然更振作，面对事业的发展及观众喜好，阿娇虽然没什么把握，但专注求变，肯定是解决问题的正面做法。『我都顾不到这么多，只知这一刻要好好装备自己。观众见你长时间闭关学习，自然期望你有更好表现，所有我更要努力求新，叫支持我的人满意，别让其他人看扁。无论将来外间评价如何，我都要站出来面对。』展望未来，阿娇声言想以电影为开步点，因为这是她寻回自信的上佳途径。假如以Twins形式重新站台，只怕要拍档再次承受年初『雪中送暖』筹款晚会时被投诉的风险及难过，更怕令演出变质。跌倒爬起来不易，站起来后更要以坚强之姿走向人群，阿娇比许多男子汉，更烈更勇。

她的故事

   访问前后，都想抓紧机会帮阿娇平反，叫大家放下弓箭让她有空间重新站起来。但主观言论真的可以改变人的心意吗？无人可以保证。借此机会，想多加描述阿娇成长的环境，希望这个侧写，教认识钟欣桐6年有多的你，再知多一点点她的故事。

   『爸爸在我一岁时便离世，剩下我与妈妈过活，自始以后我们时刻要搬家，好迁就亲戚朋友易于照顾我。单是读幼稚园时，我便转了五、六次学校，童年时根本交不到朋友，忙乱间亦不懂得与母亲相处。而每次转换托管家庭时，自己都怕得要命，很担心适应不了新环境，又怕打扰他人令母亲担忧，所有遇事都藏心里，不敢表达自己感受，完全欠缺自信。幸好成长期间有外公、爷爷等人照顾，中学时期居住环境又安定下来，自己才暂别乱糟糟的生活。年级小时，不知做什么可以减轻家庭负担，到我长大后当上艺人，才意识到自己的表演可换到这么多人拍掌支持，换来从未有过的自信外，甚至能分担母亲的重担。那份感动，叫自己一直撑下去，成长的经历更使我发觉，再多的苦头自己都可以忍耐，直至做好歌手、演员的工作。』就是凭着这份感动及坚忍，阿娇那耐苦的性格发挥至极致，叫她坚持6年有余。这份心意，看着她成长的你有没有察觉到？

后记

   老实说，以往访问阿娇都感到一重无形的偶像框架包围着她，叫她言谈间处处防卫，答案得体近乎官腔。然而经过这次打击后，阿娇反而有种放松了的感觉，似有份豁出去不再介意别人想法的舒泰。谈到过去的错爱，观众的指责，内心的矛盾难受，都巨细无遗一一道来，为这个从前像完美公仔一半的偶像增添血肉。或许现实总是矛盾的，有时往往要让你跌到最低点，才能彻底认清自己，也教人重新评估你。这种得与失并存的局面，就构成了我们充满黑色幽默的残酷人生。

Friday, May 09, 2008

Fri, 09 May 2008 18:48:29 GMT

So I have always hated Edison Chen because of his bad influence to society. I also completely lost respect for him as a human being after his "sex scandal." I feel that his face should never show again in public, not until I read this article today about him becoming a Christian...

http://jaesonma.com/2008/04/pray-for-edison-chen-me-and-world.html

This is the blog entry from the guy who shared the gospel with Edison.

Through this article I feel God's words...

Satan: "You know what God, I'm going to mess your world up, I don't really care if you mind, but I'm just gonna blind your people with sexual immorality."

God: "Dude Satan...man, this is now how my world works. You know what, I think I'm just gonna eh...promote your evil with good."

Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 04:43:54 GMT

Recently in bible study we have been debating the idea of how we still have a sinful nature after we have been saved through Chirst.

Pastor Joe was giving a sermon about another topic, but helped answer my question.

He said, "Before we know Jesus, we run after sin. After we know Jesus, we run away from sin."

Yet, sometimes we don't run as fast or we are tired out, that is when we call for God to carry us away.

Pastor Joe's sermon really struck me, so I just decided to put this up, as a reminder for myself.

Romans 6

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 23:54:00 GMT

yeah...i think i have literally lost the skill to write anymore essays.

I have another essay due tomorrow, and I have been sitting at the ILC for 3 hours. At first I was staring at the screen thinking, "Essay? Hm...how do I come about doing that? What is an essay? Oh my gosh, what am I going to type? What am I doing in English now? Do not freak out, calm down....typing? That seems so unfamiliar...."

So I think the part of my brain that writes my essays has definitely shut down or dead....

I HATE ESSAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I have ESSAY-phobia

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 13:51:41 GMT

刚刚读了edison 的interview....好想打他

http://www.hypebeast.com/2008/04/business-usual-interview-edison-chen-and-kevin-poon?page=0%2C0

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:32:36 GMT

So before going to bed last night, I was pretty happy....

I mean like the reason why I'm here, why I exist is to gather people and invite them to an everlasting party in heaven....thinking about that just makes me really happy and joyful =-)

What more can I ask for?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 21:53:04 GMT

so.....i'm really sick of the fact of how in order to talk to someone , i either use text messaging, aim, msn, etc....

what happen to phones? letters? even e-mails?

i'm unable to see their face, unable to see their reactions to my words except through "assumed" internet language...i miss the days of writing notes, folding them into fancy way, and passing it to friends...i miss the days of not worrying about anything and just hanging out at recess

I feel sooooooooooooooo disconnected from the "real" world. I'm pouring out my emotions through typing on a machine and replying back to it. this is what i have been doing everyday...

when i call someone just to talk, just want to hear their voice...it's just very awkward now, i'm afraid of the ringing sound in the beginning, then afraid of the awkward silence in between, then afraid of being the one to end the converstation or how in the world is the converstation going to end?

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:08:53 GMT

After the "big" scandal in Hong Kong, God has completely spoken to me of why one should never have idols. It just ends up effecting yourself negatively...

Monday, November 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 23:30:53 GMT

On Friday night the message was this....

Our pastor brought up the question of whether we are proud when we bring someone to Christ.

Well.....of course I mean....I SAVED SOMEONE....I feel happy and smart.

Then again, are we proud for ourselves or proud that we brought someone to Christ through Christ.

It was an interesting message. Recently, I had a friend who brought someone to Christ. He was extremely happy and was proud of himself....but...this kind of "proud" we are experiencing is equated to arrogance.

After my friend told me about his amazing experience of bringing someone to Christ...I didn't really feel happy for him at all, infact, I had a feeling that his "reaction" to the whole entire situation was "overly done."

Now I realize that, he was proud for himself, giving himself the credit for saving someone, while he should have given this credibility to God himself. After all God detest human pride.

"Let him who boast, boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:31

.

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 13:25:08 GMT

OH my gosh....I can't believe I skipped English today...I feel like I have done something morally wrong...