I'll be honest with you:
I hate war...in all it's forms-
Physical, Psychological, Spiritual... Emotional... Environmental
I hate war...

And I hate having to struggle, I honestly do
because I wish I had been born into a world where it was unnecessary.

This context of struggle and being a warrior and being a struggler
has been forced on me by oppression.
Otherwise I would be a sculptor, or a gardener,
carpenter, you know, I would be free to be so much more...

I guess part of me or a part of who I am... a part of what I do
is being a warrior - a reluctant warrior, a reluctant struggler
But... I do it because I'm committed to life

We can't avoid it, we can''t run away from it
Because to do that is to be... cowardice-
to do that is to be subservient... to devils, subservient to evil
and so that the only way to live on this planet
With any human dignity at the moment is to struggle
...
I do it because I'm committed to life

-Assata Shakur
-------------------------------------------------------

It was a little revelation, unbeknowst to me, that would hit later on...

Without going into details, i'll say this: changes are often unplanned, so are the people that provoke them.

Sometimes, the grief is so strong I feel beyond repair. Sure friends are nice, the real ones usually have your back. I'm greatful for the ones that have stuck by me through ups and downs and we're there to lend a hand when needed.. But this is so heavy, it's paralysing and is beyond any help. In those times, the people around are noize, the quiet times are mortifying and sleep is afraid of the monster plaguing me, existing in it's prescence is horrible. There are no writen or spoken answers that compute, it's not something I can share, I have to find the solution for myslef.

Meeting the monster sometime ago was an epiphany in it's own right...but being trapped with it is proving harder than i ever thought it could be...

How long 'til I get a grip?

 

    i think i use to find it difficult, but i'm trying to change that. I think its often a misconception that people have a hard time saying "no" because they want to please, they're "do-gooders", and the reasoning stops there. On that note, i use to have a really hard time saying "no" to people, especially bosses and friends, mostly people who can have an impact on you and people who might later hold it against you.

*say my boss calls me up to cover for someone who called in sick, and i had plans...nothing crucial, but still, I may say "yes" out of pressure and throw my plans out the window, because she might think "man, i needed his help, and he said no, i don't like that guy, we don't need people like that!"
*or say a friend calls me up and says "c'mon man, were going out, come grab a drink with us!" when i'm really not in the mood, and peer pressure kicks in. They give you the impression that you're letting them down.

In the moment when people would call me or ask me face to face for favors in bad times, the first attempt at saying no politely in the form of "well, i kinda had something..." is usually met with a silence or a "really?? i don't know what i'm gonna" or some similar reply. You hope they'll just say "ok, i understand", but they don't. The awkwardness often kicks in about that time, and then you concead, somehow thinking you've earned yourself something.
I think people's values are usually in the wrong place when they can't say "no", because when i couldn't refuse anything i didn't know what i wanted or what my priorities were, i just knew that i was "needed" or so it seemed. I thought that somehow this was granting me some points in the game of life. Most of the time it seems it's not about making people happy, but rather satisfying their expections to earn a certain image in their eyes, seeking a kind of validation by not refusing their requests, being there when they called on you, however pety or paramount that request.
I did go through a phase when saying "no" wasn't an option so to speak, but that was different. At that time i was a poor student trying to pave my way through college with a crap job. I bent which ever way to accomodate the hours they gave me and fulfill their requests because they could've easily fired my ass, then what? Academics and financial support were tied together, because even if school was my priority, i had to compromise some dedication to finance that education.

Now when these situations arise, i tend to stop for a second to double check were my priorities are. Who's asking for favors and why is this important (or not) to me. If i say yes, why am i doing it. I'm not advocating becoming a heartless bastard, just putting things in perspective, to help people for the right reason. I'm more than happy to help a friend or people in need, but a line needs to be drawn where one is genuinly helping and where one is being used...like a tool.

no one will say "no" for you, never doing so only makes you a machine...sure you'll be selfless, and that word has good connotations usually, but i think it's overated.