this is me chasing dreams.

things arnt too good.

i've dropped out of school. maybe i'll go back next year. i just couldnt handle it. moms really sick. i mean on her death bed sick. the detoxification from alcohol abuse is killing her. shes killed so many brain cells she has the mind of a 75 year old. ever since michael and i broke up i feel worthless. i cant believe i cheated on him. he's found another girl, a better girl, whos would never do that to him, and i just wish i had the chance to show him how much i cared and loved him. joseph and i are living our dream though, were finally showing rated and traveling up and down the coast almost every weekend. something ive always wanted to do.

I'm aware that I speak alot lately with clarity, contemplation, and metaphors. I talk alot about my past because I need to get it out, not because I'm stuck living in it. As most people know, I've hit some speedbumps lately. Honestly, I'm not trying to flaunt this, because this is nothing I'm proud of. But by getting this all off my chest, I feel cleansed, fresh. I'm starting on a clean slate and I want the world to know it.

On december 6th, I said, "There's no way things could possibly get worse. I've never had so much hatrid for myself." I'll never let that day go, as long as I live. Since that day, I've grown. Grown in the matter that I'm expanding my expectations, but grown enough to let go of most of the things i deeply felt safe with. The hands that held mine melted, and the shoulders for me to cry on stepped back. I've lost more than ever in these past months. I've lost friendships, my dignity and self respect, my reputation, my respect for other people, etc.

My life is so unrealistic, that I can't even follow along with it. So in order to do so, I'm learning to cope. Learning to cope with life, loss, rejection, betrayal, lost friends, broken hearts, panic, and stress. I can't metamorphasize into the girl of my heart deepest desire in one minute, but I can work hard to achieve it. My life doesn't consist of much, and that's more than enough for me. I've got my heart, and that seems to keep everything intact, and it's never let me down.

I wont give up anymore. I wont let people sweet talk me. I wont be walked over like a carpet. I wont panic. I wont have people feel sorry for me. I wont sit in the corner. I wont watch life pass me by. I wont let time get the best of me. I owe nothing to you, I owe everything to myself. To the person I've never been able to be, to the person living deep inside of me. I don't want you to understand me, I want to understand myself for once.

Right now, I've got less friends than I can count on my fingers and toes. I've lost the ones who I really cared about, but the ones that have stayed, have proven that they'd take a bullet for me. Some could have never forgiven me, some could have let me take the blame all alone, and some could have just gave up on me. But they didn't. They stuck by my side, even when I was pulling them down with me. They dealt with my problems, despite how badly I got on their nerves. And for that, I am forever thankful, beyond what words could possibly explain. 

I often question my sanity. There's always a circus going on in my head; things running and jumping and flipping around. I analyze things people don't normally think about. Like what's after life, the pyschology of everyday life, and reality. I'm a thinker, one that lives outside the box. I don't think I've ever been in "the box". No one exactly understand what I'm trying to mean.

I'm like a ship in a bottle that fell and shattered. The ship inside was torn apart into thousands of pieces and grains of sand, and the bottle was destroyed. My insides, and outsides were destroyed. But not to the point that I cannot put it back together. That's what I'm in the process of now.  It'll take more breakdowns, more tears, and potentially more hurt, but that's what I need to do. Build myself back, from the bottom up. Care to come along for the adventure? 

drunk nights<33

10 months later.

        all is well. im starting to get used to Arundel, after a year. haha. but shit is good. i still wanna come down and visit VA before football season is over. my new horse is amazing. we totally kicked ass yesterday in rated indoor jumpers, with a reserve champion. Springdown died last month, totally crushed me, i was out of school for a good week, couldnt get out of bed, he was the one horse i had a connection with. ive been in and out of the hospital the past 3 weeks, for getting kicked in the head, my brains bleeding. its pretty sick nasty.

life:

RIP old man.

Closing Chapter 1

I'v changed so much
and i want to say sorry to the kids i grew up with
the ones who were there for the braces and the
first time we all went trick or treating without a parent
You all watched me fall from grace
but not one of you tried to catch me
we all left each other behind without saying goodbye
Childhood cradled us in its arms
and without it we fell apart
When i look at myself now i know i have let you down
Im so sorry, if it was up to me i would go back and fix things
I wish bffe really meant forever
I love you kids so much
and i guess this is me saying goodbye to the first
chapter of my life.

xoxo