Whoa! I can't believe I am writing on this again! I just tried to talk out my frustrations with another human being and was met with misunderstanding and more frustration, then I thought, "Why in the world am I even trying to talk to someone else when I can just get all my thoughts out in a journal? Wait, I hate writing in journals because writing takes so much time. Hey, what about an e-journal? I miss Xanga." So I did some digging and logged back onto my Xanga site after several "forgot password?"s and HERE I AM!

Anywho... I'm feeling stuck in my career and frustrated and pointless. This October makes 10 years that I've been in my current field, and I am tired and feel useless and all of the above. I wish I could go back 10 years ago and continue living life as it was back then. Things are so different now with a family. I love them to pieces but man, I miss being free and able to do things on a whim. Adulting is seriously hard and I still don't feel like I'm an adequate adult yet.

Alright... I need to get back to writing some reports. Will try to keep writing in this later. Ciao

update

Things to do before 2011 ends

- Learn aerial silks
- Learn tap dancing
- Get into the Master's program at UH 4/5/11
- Attain BCaBA certification 2/19/11
- Take 2 overseas trips
- Watch the sunrise from Haleakala
- Successful gardening
- Do something other than opera vocally
- Record! It's been over a year since I've stepped in a studio...
- Watch (and stay awake the entire time during) a black and white classic film
- Learn enough Italian to understand what I'm singing
- Run a 10K... and hopefully get in shape to run the marathon in 2012!
- Go horse back riding (this is more of an overcoming my horse phobia goal...)11/2011
- Feed a penguin
- Finish a crocheting project 3/15/11
- Milk a cow
- Go to the Top of the Rock <-- can't believe I spent all that time around Rockefeller Center and haven't gone up! 5/2011
- Go on a historical walking tour
- Spend an entire day in silence - no speaking whatsoever
- Pay for someone else's meal while dining out
- Create an elaborate fondant cake
- Lauhala basket picnic 3/13/11

Life Bucket List

- Go rock climbing
- See the Grand Canyon
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Visit Machu Picchu
- Visit the Maldives
- Take a cruise
- Gondola ride
- Go on a long train ride through states or countries
- Drive on the Autobahn

For years I've heard so many people say suicide is a selfish deed because the person who commits suicide is not thinking of those who love them and how much those people who love them would be hurt. However,

1. Isn't it selfish of the loved ones to feel that way? That their sadness that someone took their own life is more important than the pain that the person who hurt enough to take their own life felt?

2. If the loved ones were really "loved ones", shouldn't they have shown their love more toward the person who needed it? We get so caught up in our lives that we don't always consistently show the people we love that we love them, that's reality. Yet it seems unfair for those people who didn't consistent show their love to the person who took their life delare that the suicide victim is selfish for taking their life...

Just thoughts.

Things to do before 2011 ends

- Learn aerial silks
- Learn tap dancing
- Get into the Master's program at UH 4/5/11
- Attain BCaBA certification 2/19/11
- Take 2 overseas trips
- Watch the sunrise from Haleakala
- Successful gardening
- Do something other than opera vocally
- Record! It's been over a year since I've stepped in a studio...
- Watch (and stay awake the entire time during) a black and white classic film
- Learn enough Italian to understand what I'm singing
- Run a 10K... and hopefully get in shape to run the marathon in 2012!
- Go horse back riding (this is more of an overcoming my horse phobia goal...)
- Feed a penguin
- Finish a crocheting project 3/15/11
- Milk a cow
- Go to the Top of the Rock <-- can't believe I spent all that time around Rockefeller Center and haven't gone up!
- Go on a historical walking tour
- Spend an entire day in silence - no speaking whatsoever
- Pay for someone else's meal while dining out
- Create an elaborate fondant cake
- Lauhala basket picnic 3/13/11

Life Bucket List

- Go rock climbing
- See the Grand Canyon
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Visit Machu Picchu
- Visit the Maldives
- Take a cruise
- Gondola ride
- Go on a long train ride through states or countries
- Drive on the Autobahn

Things to do before 2011 ends

- Learn aerial silks
- Learn tap dancing
- Get into the Master's program at UH
- Attain BCaBA certification 2/19/11
- Take 2 overseas trips
- Watch the sunrise from Haleakala
- Successful gardening
- Do something other than opera vocally
- Record! It's been over a year since I've stepped in a studio...
- Watch (and stay awake the entire time during) a black and white classic film
- Learn enough Italian to understand what I'm singing
- Run a 10K... and hopefully get in shape to run the marathon in 2012!
- Go horse back riding (this is more of an overcoming my horse phobia goal...)
- Feed a penguin
- Finish a crocheting project 3/15/11
- Milk a cow
- Go to the Top of the Rock <-- can't believe I spent all that time around Rockefeller Center and haven't gone up!
- Go on a historical walking tour
- Spend an entire day in silence - no speaking whatsoever
- Pay for someone else's meal while dining out
- Create an elaborate fondant cake
- Lauhala basket picnic 3/13/11

Life Bucket List

- Go rock climbing
- See the Grand Canyon
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Visit Machu Picchu
- Visit the Maldives
- Take a cruise
- Gondola ride
- Go on a long train ride through states or countries
- Drive on the Autobahn

Things to do before 2011 ends

- Learn aerial silks
- Learn tap dancing
- Get into the Master's program at UH
- Attain BCaBA certification
- Take 2 overseas trips
- Watch the sunrise from Haleakala
- Successful gardening
- Do something other than opera vocally
- Record! It's been over a year since I've stepped in a studio...
- Watch (and stay awake the entire time during) a black and white classic film
- Learn enough Italian to understand what I'm singing
- Run a 10K... and hopefully get in shape to run the marathon in 2012!
- Go horse back riding (this is more of an overcoming my horse phobia goal...)
- Feed a penguin
- Finish a crocheting project
- Milk a cow
- Go to the Top of the Rock <-- can't believe I spent all that time around Rockefeller Center and haven't gone up!
- Go on a historical walking tour
- Spend an entire day in silence - no speaking whatsoever
- Pay for someone else's meal while dining out
- Create an elaborate fondant cake
- Lauhala basket picnic

Life Bucket List

- Go rock climbing
- See the Grand Canyon
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Visit Machu Picchu
- Visit the Maldives
- Take a cruise
- Gondola ride
- Go on a long train ride through states or countries
- Drive on the Autobahn

=====
i'm pretty happy with where i'm at right now, i must say.
work is getting more serious, i'm starting to simplify my life, and for the first time in a long time, i am a lot more comfortable living with less control.
could this be the best year of my life?
that'd be pretty awesome since we've only got one more year til the end of the world

there are so many people who think i'm special, that i have a gift to share with the world, that i have lots going for me in my future...

...then why do i have nights like these where all i want to do is disappear unnoticed?

so i've started a "bucket list" but in reality its a "do before 2011 ends list"

Things to do before 2011 ends

- Learn aerial silks
- Learn tap dancing
- Get into the Master's program at UH
- Attain BCaBA certification
- Take 2 overseas trips
- Watch the sunrise from Haleakala
- Successful gardening
- Do something other than opera vocally
- Record! It's been over a year since I've stepped in a studio...
- Watch (and stay awake the entire time during) a black and white classic film
- Learn enough Italian to understand what I'm singing
- Run a 10K... and hopefully get in shape to run the marathon in 2012!
- Go horse back riding (this is more of an overcoming my horse phobia goal...)
- Feed a penguin
- Finish a crocheting project
- Milk a cow
- Go to the Top of the Rock <-- can't believe I spent all that time around Rockefeller Center and haven't gone up!
- Go on a historical walking tour
- Spend an entire day in silence - no speaking whatsoever
- Pay for someone else's meal while dining out
- Create an elaborate fondant cake
- Lauhala basket picnic

Life Bucket List

- Go rock climbing
- See the Grand Canyon
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Visit Machu Picchu
- Visit the Maldives
- Take a cruise
- Gondola ride
- Go on a long train ride through states or countries
- Drive on the Autobahn

oy, will finish this later... nature calls

hoooo boy, i've got so much on my mind.
big exam that i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail opened up a new time slot, so i pushed it back a week.
that way my only day off (today) can be spent doing some errands to clear my mind.

as a radical behaviorist, one would think i would be able to solve some Bx problems of my own.
unfortunately that's untrue.
to be fair to myself, i guess surgeons don't perform surgeries on themselves, and hair stylists don't cut their own hair.

i've finally admitted to myself that i have a couple deeply rooted personal issues i need to resolve,
but i have no one to talk to about it.
i lied. there are lots of people out there who will listen,
but i can only think of one person who will listen with an open heart and actually care about what i'm holding onto inside.
the sad part is that its not the person i'm dating.

i guess its not that sad. its probably a good thing.
past relationships in which i've opened up about issues have ended.
this one has been lots of fun and laughs, no real serious things, and its still going.
i think a big part of that is because i've kept all my issues inside.
maybe its not healthy for me to do so, but so far its been healthy for the relationship.

in other news...
i've been fighting off a mild illness that has just taken a turn for the worse.
i woke up this morning to its untamed claws scratching at my raw throat.
emergen-C, wellness formula, and immunity pills... work your magic!
caffeine always helps too.

alright... time to get on with my errands for the day. i wish monday held 48 hours instead of its measly 24.

just wanted to jot some things down before i head to bed...

i still can't believe i'm with such an amazing person.

some things i adore...

random kisses while passing by
always leaving me the last bite even though i'll split it in two for us
he cooks! i'm not the only one in this two person party making eats!
the recent frozen pizzas started as i'm leaving work so that its ready by the time i return home
the rare but cherished times i've been told, "come here" to cuddle
always treating me with little gifts here and there
the wonderful drink/beer concoctions
holding hands
his arm around me in public
texts that tell me he wants to spend time together

silly little things like those keep me smiling