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| An update, for those who want to knowFor those of you who have been wondering where I've been and why I'm poking around quietly on xanga (or as some rude people call it, "lurking")... well its a long story, but I've tried to condense it down to a reasonable length.....
Almost two years ago, my ana got out of control. I went into a
downward spiral that I just couldn't get out of. I didn't eat for what
seemed like weeks on end and My weight dropped dangerously low. My
friends asked me about it and I just got mad at them. I lost a lot of friends like that because they wouldn't mind their own business, when really they were just trying to help. I got back into cutting and fell into solitude. One afternoon when I was in class, I stood up to go to the bathroom and passed out because I was so weak. I was in a daze as paramedics took me to the hospital. When I gained some of my senses back, I freaked out.... like, a lot. I had doctors poking, prodding, yelling at me, psychiatrists breathing down my neck and nutritionists trying to stuff food down my throat. It got me a nice stay in a mental health facility.
At first I resisted, and fought it every step of the way, but then it slowly chipped away at me. I really started to embrace the help they had to offer me. It took a lot of hard work to get to get through it all, but I made it. So many days of therapy and nights of crying, but it was worth it.
I have tried to stay away from blogging about it since the episode that changed my life because, for me, its just a gateway to fall back in to my old habits. Also, for me, blogging about it just legitimized my feelings to see them in print. I would get myself so worked up writing these angry blogs about how ugly I felt, and i started to believe it when I saw it written out there. I have since deleted most of the bad ones, but I left a couple to remind myself of where I've been.
Today I generally don't blog much, and I don't comment much, but I do read. And I definitely read a lot. I try to understand and make sense of my own journey by seeing it through the eyes of other people. Maybe at some point I'll be able to offer some helpful advice to someone, but I'm always scared that I'll say the wrong thing, because I know what its like to be on the other side.
If you wonder who I am and why I'm subscribing to you or sending you a friend request, its simply because I'm interested in seeing who you are, but please understand that I'm quieter these days. I really don't comment too much, but know that its nothing personal, I am just an observer these days. There are some girls out there who freak out and send angry messages when you read but don't comment. If you're one of those few girls, please reject my invite, I don't want to waste your time. But if you're one of those girls who doesn't mind another quiet reader, then I'd certainly like to be your friend.
Peace out, and good luck to you all.
Sarah
p.s. That pic is an updated pic of me, a recovered ana. Finally.
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| I think its more fun to comment people than it is to write my own blog entries, haha does that make me weird?
Anyways, my quick update in life: I had lost 10 pounds since my last update, but then found them again in the refrigerator. lol damn...
For the most part, my life has been really fuckin' good, and I'm a happy girl. I hope to keep it that way. Perhaps happy is infectious, in which case I'd like to get everyone sick with the happy bug. Here, just drink out of one of the millions of bottles of water i drink a day. You'll at least get "cooties"
Gotta run, much love girlies!
~ Sarah
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| Life is so hectic... soon there will be calm... summer is almost here...
in the meantime, a friend told me a joke that caught me off-guard and i nearly peed myself laughing... He just finished mowing the lawn, and he was all hot and sweaty (and sexy...) and he smoothly said to me "gee, i wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself..."
hahaha ohh my life is good
thanks for leavin' me love girls!
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| its been so long since I've written anything. I guess I'm more of
the quiet type. Actually, I only write when I've got something to
get off my chest. lol, i guess that makes me loook psycho because
i only write to complain, and all people see is my goofy
rantings. fortunately, you girls are a great support group.
whenever i'm doing well, i like to leave happy comments for
everyone. when i'm doing badly, i tend to write here and i get
nice responses to make me happy. its a cool system. I'm
glad i joined xanga. even though i don't write too often, it
still makes me feel good on those occasional bad days. I think my
diet has something to do with this streak of good days. i'm down
about 3 pounds from my last entry. i just hope that i'm not
jinxing this streak by saying something about it... lol.
anyways, just figured i'd scribble something in here so y'all know i'm
still alive and well. leave me comments to let me know that YOU
are alive and well too.
Xes and Ohs
~sarah
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| I am so close to GW1! just 5 more pounds to go and I'm at
115. For once, I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.
This is great. I hope everyone is doing well! Sorry I
haven't been posting & commenting too much, I've been tied up with
school work since like, forever. Don't worry, I'm still keeping
tabs on you awesome girls. Thanks to all of you for your kind and
supportive words.
<33 ~Sarah
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